To want to cut short expensive road trip 3 days in?

[Fawful]

I'm honestly asking if IBU as I can't see the wood for the trees.
DP (or more accurately XDP, we co-parent happily) and I and our two teens have been on a fly drive in California for a few days.

First two days have been in LA.

Upon getting the rental car (which cost an inflated £1500 because the rental place had no other car with a GPS), DP was just sitting in the car and getting ready to turn on the GPS and drive out onto the freeway. I asked that we go around the block at least to get used to it (driving on the right, automatic, big car etc), and DP got onto some boulevard where he wanted to turn left but didn't realise the cars in front also had a green light, and lounged into (fairly fast and quite near) oncoming traffic.
We therefore had a very near miss within 5 minutes.
It took us an hour (or two) to recover and map a gentle route that doesn't involve a freeway to take us to the hotel.
Since then we've barely been out, the second time we did DP said 'Here's this great big car again, that we're too scared to drive...' (He has since said it was 100% a joke and he is not scared. However when we plan routes he works out detours to avoid having to turn left at intersections without traffic lights as he is too scared to have to work out the best moment tu turn left.)

I've barely been eating, I have been so stressed, I'm clearly in fight or flight mode and really panicked.
To avoid a drip feed I'll have to confess now that at the best of time I've always been car-phobic since I have had a crash at 18. I can't drive and avoid driving anywhere. I'm especially scared of speed. But I thought I'd be able to hack it for the kids' sake, because we decided we'd avoid highways whenever possible, and in the same way I made myself go onto the plane for 12 hours even though I truly hate it. Turns out I'm now busy looking for a way out - flying home early, taking the train to places instead...
The kids have been ok though, they have enjoyed the little we have done (beach, eat out and shopping).
DP is very upset that I've mentioned not wanting to go to Sequoias park tomorrow.
I asked for an extra day in LA and he says 'what would be the point?'
I really want to just take the train instead (itinerary was going to be Sequoia -we'd have to cut that out - Palm Springs, Irvine water park, San Diego for the zoo and USS Midway and back to LA), but with the car costing so much, he's not going to agree to that.
I'm genuinely worried he's not coping with US driving but not wanting to admit to it.
Last night he was angry, he says I make him feel powerless and like he's not in control. And I said I get it and I'm sorry, but I'm genuinely scared and not coping either...
Am I being unreasonable to want to switch to a train trip?

Should I trust him that he's ok, or is he delusional to think that he is not scared, himself?

I asked my brothers just now over WhatsApp and one said that I should go with it, and the other said he has always hoped he wouldn't have to be in a position to have to drive on the other side of the road, as he could see himself making mistakes, with the accident risks it involves. He's a v good and frequent driver.
Obviously I shouldn't have suggested a road trip in the first place, I do know that. What a mess.

Many thanks.

Have driven in US in hire cars. Now live in Europe and just driven 5 hours in France and drive in UK. Take your time. Once he's do a couple of trips he will be fine. Maybe sit in the back so you don't stress him out !

To PP about cost of car rental, it's gone up hugely since covid, car rental firms sold off most of their stock during the pandemic and prices have gone crazy, if they have a car for you at all.
We turned up in December for a car we'd booked 9 months before and they'd cancelled without telling us, caused us huge grief

Why did you need a car with GPS which are extremely rare these days because everyone has Google Maps on their phone? Why not just get a local SIM card and use Google Maps on your mobile? Trade in the huge car for a smaller car.

“I think you are being unreasonable and putting your anxiety on your dp. Yes the one driving, let him determine the route.”

^I have to agree with this.

Leave LA asap.
Drive on the highways, they are quick and fine once you are on.
Unless you need on or off sit in a middle lane.

Turning left, if you have an left turn arrow you are safe to go when it is green.
If there is no arrow light, you need to wait until the oncoming traffic has stopped.
Pull forward past the stop line, indicating and wait until the oncoming traffic has been stopped by the lights. Then a few cars will be able to turn before the traffic in the other direction starts moving.
The traffic in the other direction expects you to turn if you are sitting past the stop line, so will wait for you.
It is similar to a box junction in the UK but without any road markings.

Most of the USA is super easy to drive in.

Public transport is expensive and usually bad.
( outside of major cities)

I live just north of la _ventura county, and when i saw your post, I felt that I would strongly recommend you make use of the train at least traveling in a southern direction you will avoid the ugly truth of LA freeways, also a "trial by fire" that may leave you too rattled to enjoy your destination! Most Amtrack routes will give you pretty views, lots of helpful people you never meet in a traffic jam, and save the heartache of trying to find reasonable parking .. i can give a long list of reasons but I hope to reach you before you set out, best of wishes o for your trek!

Driving in USA can be confusing . I used to drive there in rental by myself.

first thing is that road signage is nothing like uk or Europe. Completely different and I find exiting on slips roads particularly difficult because of lack of road markings.

2nd thing which took me 3 days on my first experience driving out there to figure out, that in cities/ conurbations the road signs for roads you turn into hang off the road you are in. Bonkers. So satnav says turn left on say first avenue, but sing above you says first avenue and you think you’re already on it and end up being totally confused as you then don’t take the left cos you already on and sat nav goes bonkers recalculating.

turn g on junctions has some very odd (well to Europeans) Highway codes, like being able to pull out to the right …but I never did get used to that and would just put up with the cars honking behind me

best thing I did was watched a couple of videos on YouTube on driving in USA . They had people driving around and showing manoeuvre, Highway Code etc. I got more clued up on it then . And started to build confidence

it doesn’t help that most cars are automatic, in theory easier but if you never driven automatic before it is one more thing that is anxiety inducing for first few days - you are having to concentrate too on the mechanics of driving and constantly checking that the car is doing what you expect. We’re so used to changing gears etc it is quite difficult to not do that and reach for clutch with feet all the time etc .

my view would be to plan a half day just driving around your local area. Practice junctions, practice getting on and off interstate slip roads, practice driving with sat nav and their peculiar road signage and build his confidence that way.

LA is horrible to drive in and I only skirted round the edge. I drove from San Francisco to Santa Barbara and Las Vegas and did sequoia which is completely amazing please don’t miss that! All the driving was fine once you’re out of LA. Generally very quiet. Please enjoy and tell your partner not to worry.

LA is notorious for being the worst place in the US to drive, but there's no reason a competent driver couldn't drive there.

I don't understand why you are trying to avoid highways. They are much easier to drive on than little local streets.

Just get out of LA and onto a freeway or other big road. It will feel easier.

Why didn’t you download the US Tom Tom on your phone? It costs about £20, no need to pay extra for the GPS. Driving in the USA is generally easier once you get used to it.

LA freeways are not a good indicator of general US roads either.

We did a California road trip a few years ago and still talk about how awful LA was to drive in - both of us are very confident drivers.

The rest of it won't be like this, just let him get out of there how he thinks best and honestly it'll be completely different.

California is just amazing, and do try to enjoy this wonderful holiday.

It'll avoid the left turn issue though Purple.

You could have used Google maps instead of having a sat nav, it's better and would have saved £££££'s

I learned to drive over there and drive here, also had a teenage accident that I had years of fear. If you want to carry on you needvto get over the fear so try a couple things to give yourself a chance to trust him. First send him out with teen who has best navigational sense for an hour of local practise without you. If he feels more confident you vould all carry on. Your nerves are probably eroding his confidence .
Second tell him to stop making jokes about being afraid- because they're not funny right now.
And third you sit in the back from now on, distract yourself with the scenery and happy chats with second teen.
It could still work, if you agree to one day at a time like this and see how it goes you might chill enough to enjoy. And if not go to plan B.
(And finally : Its California - wonder how easily you can get your hands on some medical marijuana for your nerves? - only half joking)

I'm sorry you're struggling - but what were you thinking, agreeing to a fly drive holiday when you are so anxious about driving?

I think YABU, and I think you're being unreasonable getting DP to not drive on the freeway. Street level roads are a lot more stressful than freeways. And I think YABVU to think he is faking that he's ok driving!

First off you must remember that Americans, especially people on major cities, live in their cars practically. They have to drive everywhere and there is terrible traffic (especially in LA). They are aggressive drivers and can be intimidating. The best thing to do would be to leave LA. The freeways are actually easier to drive on as they are straight and wide. Just beware of people trying to push in during traffic and driving about 100MPH when they can.
Once you get out of the major metropolitan are the drive should be more comfortable.
I grew up in California and learned to drive there but now live in the UK. The driving styles are very different and you'll just need to adapt.

I’m not quite sure why you paid so much for the car with GPS - you could have popped to one of the electrical shops over there or got American map gps Tom Tom on Amazon before you went - or downloaded the American maps to your phone. All would have been a fraction of a cost of the upgrade. But you have it now and paid for it.

as others have said LA driving is awful, get out. Freeway driving in America is east - probably too easy and can be boring so the opposite of what you have experienced (but equally dangerous). If he is experienced then just take things easy.

if you haven’t already maybe you need some support with your anxiety?

and buy a sat nav from Walmart.... or use one on your phones

Umm we famously actually turned back from attempting the drive from Irvine to sequoia because it was just solid traffic. We were stationary when the time of thr journey on the sat nav got to 9 hours one way we just gave up. Locals said we should have set off at 4am for that journey.

So, as others say - get out of LA.

Let XH take the freeway.
Sit in the back & let a teen sit in the front. As a driver there is nothing worse than an anxious passenger right next to you.

You don’t drive, and you actively chose this holiday. So your duty here is to let your XH get on with the driving without micromanaging and deal with your own anxiety.

I think you will feel much much better once out of LA, but you have to allow that to happen.

I drove aboard a few weeks ago for the first time and whilst in America it's likely a bit more hectic than where I went it was fine after a few days. It's probably just that he needs more time in the car to get used to it.

Thank you so much for all the replies, you're being so so helpful and kind. Where does your brother live, @Toyingyu? Thank you, @WhenISnappedAndFarted ❤️
Re: Sat Nav, DP is not tech minded, he thought most cars these days would come with a GPS so asked for one with it. He's surprised you are saying most don't? We drive a 20 year old car at home and he does use Google Maps. I had read that GPS was necessary in the US but the advice may have been old, from before Hoogle Moss became so good. Actually this GPS is (to my mind, but again I don't normally use them) laggy (but aren't they all?) Then again we are not using it to guide us, just for positioning (I refresh the screen manually to keep the arrow in view) because we haven't set up journeys on it since we haven't figured out how to set it to a custom journey, one that deviate from the path it's chosen to allow for our avoiding freeways and left turns from and side streets onto 6 lane boulevards (the last thing DP is scared of).

We may be better off
buying a Garmin maybe, that everyone says is very accurate, and see what difference it makes?

Just spoken to DP who says he actually wants to use the GPS for positioning only and just follow the route he planned on paper. We'll be avoiding interstates and spaghettini junctions.
But I'm thinking we could go to Sequoias and Palm Springs/Joshua Park and then maybe return the car in San Diego and use trains to go to Irvine and back to LA, thanks for your valued local
Input @sallysneed805
As for returning the car for a smaller one, is that possible? Obvs we can ask. It's big, but not stupidly big I guess, it's just we are used to Fiat Punto.
Thanks again all.

I suspect LA may be your issue here. I’m not the most confident driver in the world, but drove every day of our 2 weeks in the states and found it really easy EXCEPT when we’d just stepped off the plane, it was the middle of the night and we had no sat nav- that was horrific and I though we might die. Once I’d got to grips with it in the daylight, it was so easy - big wide roads, really well sign posted.