Adult son wants to move back mon - fri to ‘get a night’s sleep’

[HippPippy]

DS 27 and his gf recently had a baby. As you’d expect they are being woken up during the night. DS has asked if he can move back in mon - fri so he can get a proper night’s sleep so he can concentrate on going to work and do his job effectively.

DH thinks the idea is outrageous and he should just ‘get on with it’ , I feel a bit confused as to why he is even asking. Surely other new parents don’t do this? I get sleep deprivation is hard, but I am not overly enamoured with this idea. But I don’t want to be unsupportive either - how would you respond?

Also, as a baby, DD wouldn't go into her cot/Moses basket during the day, she would only nap on me which meant I didn't get to catch up on sleep until OH got home from work at 6pm and took her for a couple of hours so I could get some sleep. Luckily he was hands on and actually wanted to spend time with her whilst I rested.

Haven’t read further than the OP because I was just too horrified. Your DH is absolutely right to find it outrageous.

You tell him (in as supportive a fashion as you like I guess) in the strongest terms that no, he doesn’t get to opt out of the shitty bits of life with a baby and he needs to support the mother of his child by being there for her and looking after his own child! If she’s struggling physically and/or emotionally/psychologically (and she may well be) then that might entail doing ‘more than his fair share’ for the time being, but sometimes that’s what life is like and a decent person would do that for the person they love.

(And now I’ll apologise in case the thread has moved on!)

You would be unsupportive if you DID let him stay at yours. To support your son and his partner you need to tell him that it’s difficult and you understand that - but it’s nothing that every single other new father in the world has not gone through and he NEEDS to be with his partner, by her side at this time. This time will pass but he needs to man up and endure it. He also needs to be with his baby binding with it, taking his share of nappy changes, bath times and all the rest.
If he moves in with you during the week he would be failing as a husband as as a father and as his mother I think you need to lovingly give him some home truths.

I highly doubt he is currently doing “everything” during the time he isn’t at work.

Anyone who thinks he can just dump their gf and baby and move back home to mummy where he has no responsibility and only parent on the weekends is not currently doing the bulk of the work. No way.

Guess what else you need to be alert for? Looking after a baby.

Honestly the fact that you are entertaining this is why your son is a man child.

And he tells you this, how does his GF feel? does she have to nag him to do his share?

Tbh, if he’s something like a bus driver, and feeling that he’s a danger at work, then I don’t think it would be that bad as long as he just comes to your house to sleep. Ie goes to his house, sorts things out for his gf and baby then goes to yours at 10.30 each weekday night. That way his time awake is still in his own house. How far away do you live?

I might be biased as my dh worked away from home m to f when my eldest was a baby so I only saw him at weekends. As far as I remember I actually found it easier as I only needed to worry about me and dc, and we could have whatever routine/sleep/food we needed whenever we wanted.

I'd respond that if he abandons his partner with a newborn, it's likely to end his relationship

From the sound of things that may be what he's got in mind, only without the inconvenience to himself of having to sort out housing while he moves onto the next one

Worse still, from some of the updates, it also sounds as if OP would support him in this

How can he be doing more than his fair share of parenting when the only parenting he is doing is in the evening?

And how is laundry and cooking 'everything' for the baby. I mean he would be doing some of the cooking as a grown adult in a relationship anyway right? And some of the laundry? Or is the issue that he used to do nothing and now he is having to step up and be an adult

I would be clear with him OP that expecting to parent only 2 days a week out of 7 is not 'his fair share'

When mine eldest was a baby I suggested a few times that my husband slept elsewhere to catch up on sleep. He did - it didn’t make him less supportive to me or bad dad. It worked for our family.

You sound like you are actually considering assisting your DS in opting out of his responsibilities.

I hope your DH is able to maintain a good relationship with DS’s GF as I suspect that in future that’s going to be the only way he gets to see his grandchild.

The very fact that your DS has even made this suggestion shows that he is inconsiderate and immature, neither of which bode well for his relationship with his GF or child. She may decide that being an actual lone parent is preferable to have a baby and an adult child.

Did he move out Mon-Fri and only come home at weekends?

Unless he's a brain surgeon or operating on babies in utero or something, he needs to pull his fucking socks up. Christ.

Tell him he's welcome to say 3 nights of the week, and that his girlfriend will also be welcome for a further 3, so he'll be fine functioning whilst doing all the night over on those 3 nights, won't he?

This

She may decide that being an actual lone parent is preferable to have a baby and an adult child.

Exactly. If he values his relationship, this is the time to step up.

Women don't forgive and forget their partners being unsupportive in the early baby days when they're vulnerable and exhausted. Often the relationship just limps on for another year or so until the woman is in a stronger position to go it alone.

I would have absolutely killed for a nights sleep when mine were tiny. My oldest woke twice a night until he was four. Going against the grain here, could your DS and his GF each have one night's sleep a week at your house i.e. take it in turns?

If he was a bus driver or train driver it would be likely doing shifts.

He's being a poor mummy's boy. The OP's DH is right he needs to grow up and that includes asking colleagues how they coped with their newborns.

This would be the only way this would ever be okay IMO.

you don't want to be unsupportive. Sure but you should be supportive of the girlfriend
FGS, just read your post, OP and give your head a wobble

One night at yours, but also offer the same to her too.

Unless he is a brain surgeon this has got to be a wind up!!!

I would be so disappointed if he was my son.

Wow it’s pretty selfish of him… my DH is a surgeon and he helped with both kids, born a year apart, every other night plus on rest days and weekends…. the girlf might agree now but she will be very resentful later.