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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Adult son wants to move back mon - fri to ‘get a night’s sleep’

762 replies

HippPippy · 05/08/2022 13:58

DS 27 and his gf recently had a baby. As you’d expect they are being woken up during the night. DS has asked if he can move back in mon - fri so he can get a proper night’s sleep so he can concentrate on going to work and do his job effectively.

DH thinks the idea is outrageous and he should just ‘get on with it’ , I feel a bit confused as to why he is even asking. Surely other new parents don’t do this? I get sleep deprivation is hard, but I am not overly enamoured with this idea. But I don’t want to be unsupportive either - how would you respond?

OP posts:
Howappropriate · 05/08/2022 16:12

He's not doing more than his fair share. I guarantee it. He needs to sort this out with his partner. Only possible way is for one night per week for him, one for his GF, week about. If she is struggling, having a night away to have a bath, a cooked meal, read a book and sleep would be an absolute godsend. And your son's reaction to you offering will tell you everything you need to know about his attitude. Also offering to babysit when child is old enough could help too.

WhimsicalGubbins · 05/08/2022 16:12

3sacharm · 05/08/2022 16:09

Unless he is a brain surgeon this has got to be a wind up!!!

Even brain surgeons manage to be parents as well as doing their job… her son is pathetic-no other word for it

Classicblunder · 05/08/2022 16:17

Half of what he is complaining about doing (cooking, laundry) are perfectly normal chores that he would have to do if he lived alone. I bet he went from you doing everything for him to his GF and is now running back to mummy now he actually has to be an adult.

Chances are when she said it was ok, she meant "fine, bugger off, we're finished" not "you poor lamb, go home for some rest"

crumpet · 05/08/2022 16:20

HippPippy · 05/08/2022 14:06

Yes it is critical he is alert and can concentrate- other peoples safety is at stake

Same for the baby’s mother, surely? If she is responsible for the care and safety of the baby all day and now expected to do so all night.

you must be disappointed in your son. if they are struggling then it would have been fine for him to try and come up with ideas to help them both get a break. But instead he has only come up with an idea which loads more responsibility onto the new mother and he gets 5 nights away from it all. Unbelievable.

OopsAnotherOne · 05/08/2022 16:21

Just want to put emphasis what other posters have pointed out - if he thinks he is doing "everything" now, but is also so unhelpful that the girlfriend is more than happy for him to abandon her and baby for 5 nights a week then he isn't doing "everything", it's likely he is just being asked to do more than before he became a father and he's got his panties in a twist.

Shock horror, life with a baby is busier, more difficult and requires more responsibility than life before a baby. Mum will need your son to step up and actually parent his child, do a fair split of all household chores and importantly, MUM WILL NEED A BREAK TOO.

What your son suggests means that poor mum does ALL of the weekly night feeds, meaning she gets very little sleep, only to then look after the baby for the whole day, the whole evening, doing all the feeds, washing, bathing, cooking, cleaning, nappies, bedtimes etc, while your son does his job (like every other parent with a job), but then goes home to have 0 responsibilities. He then plans to just drop in and check on mum on the weekends, play disney dad, probably take a few photos to he can post about being a father on his Instagram, and then he'll act all surprised when suddenly Mum doesn't want him back as it's easier not to have a manchild around the house.

I'd be GUTTED if any child of mine came to me asking if I could enable him to back out of his responsibilities and abandon the mother of his child (and in turn, his baby).

Brefugee · 05/08/2022 16:22

am also chortling away at the idea that he thinks he does more than his gf.

OopsAnotherOne · 05/08/2022 16:25

OP I doubt you're the type of parent to lay down the law with him (hence why he's come such a mummies boy) so please, for the sake of his poor girlfriend, show your son this thread.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 05/08/2022 16:26

his argument is when he gets back from work he does ‘everything’ for the baby- feeding, bathing, cleaning all the bottles, laundry, cooking etc. it’s difficult because he’s really struggling and does seem to be doing more than his fair share when he can

Have you forgotten how all consuming a new baby is for the Mum? I think almost all mothers would say they couldn't believe how little they'd get done in the early days.
Plus she's been pregnant for 9 months, and given birth. Then endless feeding, changing, sleepless nights on top. All physically draining.

That said, I have some sympathy with your son. If he needs an unbroken night's sleep for the safety of others as you say, maybe he could sleep at yours a couple of nights a week. But not fully decamp leaving his poor girlfriend to do everything else

2pinkginsplease · 05/08/2022 16:27

I agree with your dh, I’d be telling my adult son that he has to put his big boy pants on and get on with it. Him and his partner need to communicate better about how they can work together to accommodate them both ensuring both get enough sleep.

if your adult daughter came to you and said that her partner was going back to mummy and daddy’s as he was tired I’m sure you’d have something to say about it.

Goldbar · 05/08/2022 16:28

If he moved back to yours, would you do his cooking and laundry for him, OP? So he'd come home from work to a home-cooked meal on the table, watch some TV and then have a full night's sleep?

If so, how are you planning on getting rid of him again? Because this will always, always be preferable to parenting unless he builds a strong bond with his DC and so actually wants to be there for them.

Lubdeness · 05/08/2022 16:33

I would chat to them both and offer a night away to both. Your son should just be coming to yours to sleep, not ducking out of any shared responsibility in the evening. Equally your son's partner should also get a lovely Saturday of no responsibility and then a lie in on the Sunday and she can return home after that.

Only then will your son truly understand the full responsibility of having a baby with no one to defer to just like the baby's Mother does during the day. Weekends are often shared so the Dad doesn't have a full day of doing everything his partner/wife does. He needs to experience that.

Brefugee · 05/08/2022 16:33

TBH maybe he should move back, gf can say hand on heart he's been doing the majority and it would be a wrench for baby, so he can do 50/50 with childcare and she'll do without her DP living with her any more.

At least each of them would get peace 50% of the time Grin

LarryBlackmonsCodpiece · 05/08/2022 16:34

Stop coddling him & tell him to deal with it, what a selfish son you have.

LarryBlackmonsCodpiece · 05/08/2022 16:35

Girlfriend would be better off without his useless arse.

quietnightmare · 05/08/2022 16:38

Life is going to chew him up and spit him out. He needs to get a grip and continue doing the housework etc and tell his gf to end it with him and find herself a man not a little mummy's boy

exnewwifeproblems · 05/08/2022 16:39

I'd be telling him to get on with it I'm afraid.

quietnightmare · 05/08/2022 16:39

Plus he's obviously not a a good dad as I'm he is happy to be away from his baby that much. Poor baby

tkwal · 05/08/2022 16:39

I would tell your manchild that being a parent isn't something you can opt out of but I might also suggest he could stay 1 night during the week on the condition that his other half could have a night away (at yours/her parents/a friends house) for one of the weekend nights

MsBucket · 05/08/2022 16:40

I’d suggest that rather than it just be your so coming back for a night’s rest, that they all come too. That way his partner is not left alone with the baby.

Sometimes new parents need extra support and it does take a village to raise a child.

Ylvamoon · 05/08/2022 16:45

I think if you really want to support your son and his girlfriend, offer to have baby for a few hours in the day - so baby gets used to your home and later on do some overnight sitting.

oakleaffy · 05/08/2022 16:47

That’s the most ludicrous, most selfish request.
I can’t see this relationship lasting with that selfish attitude this early on in the child’s life.

Did he want a child, or was it foisted upon him as an “ Accident ?”.

newbiename · 05/08/2022 16:47

HippPippy · 05/08/2022 14:04

Yeah I agree - he should be sharing the work load, but his argument is when he gets back from work he does ‘everything’ for the baby- feeding, bathing, cleaning all the bottles, laundry, cooking etc. it’s difficult because he’s really struggling and does seem to be doing more than his fair share when he can

And she's doing it all day.
Is he doing as much as he says ?
I'd say no - no one sleeps properly with a new baby.

Dontwanttoberudeorwastetime · 05/08/2022 16:48

“Doing more than his fair share as often as he can”

bit of an oxymoron there.

Most likely a load of shit.

HippPippy · 05/08/2022 16:48

some really unkind comments here (as usual). He has since said it would only be to sleep- as in come here about 9pm then he’d by up at 5am the next morning for work. He’s an excellent Dad - very hands on and extremely supportive of his gf. They are currently staying with her sister who is also very helpful with the baby during the day.

I have told him no, he cannot stay here. I have however offered to have the baby overnight as I am very concerned that he’s not coping with the stress and sleep deprivation.

I think that’s a good compromise.

OP posts:
InstaHun88 · 05/08/2022 16:48

If his girlfriend doesn't mind, it's because he's a useless shit bag and she's better off without him. If you want a good relationship with her after they split (and they will split!) don't house the lazy arse.