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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult son wants to move back mon - fri to ‘get a night’s sleep’

762 replies

HippPippy · 05/08/2022 13:58

DS 27 and his gf recently had a baby. As you’d expect they are being woken up during the night. DS has asked if he can move back in mon - fri so he can get a proper night’s sleep so he can concentrate on going to work and do his job effectively.

DH thinks the idea is outrageous and he should just ‘get on with it’ , I feel a bit confused as to why he is even asking. Surely other new parents don’t do this? I get sleep deprivation is hard, but I am not overly enamoured with this idea. But I don’t want to be unsupportive either - how would you respond?

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 05/08/2022 15:10

What I’m amazed at is you’re coming onto an Internet forum to ask if it’s ok for a father to sleep at his parents house to avoid looking after his own baby!
I’m with your DH on this one - the fact that your son would even consider such a thing is totally preposterous!

arethereanyleftatall · 05/08/2022 15:11

Op, how would you feel about your dil if she asked her parents if she could move back in with them 5 days out of 7, leaving your son to do 5 nights a week alone?

Roselilly36 · 05/08/2022 15:12

It would be a no from me! How did he expect parenting to be? I can’t believe for a minute his gf would be happy with this arrangement, unless she feels she is doing everything on her own for the baby, and he would be one person less to consider.

If they are struggling, can you or gf parents lend a hand?

Soontobe60 · 05/08/2022 15:12

HippPippy · 05/08/2022 14:06

Yes it is critical he is alert and can concentrate- other peoples safety is at stake

Show quote history

It’s critical that the mother of his child is also alert and can concentrate as the safety of his baby is at risk!

Goldbar · 05/08/2022 15:13

I suspect he is doing a lot less than he thinks he is, but because it is more than he had to do pre-baby, the poor love feels hard done by 🙄.

carefullycourageous · 05/08/2022 15:13

knittingaddict · 05/08/2022 15:09

OP, how can it be that his girlfriend "makes" him do all that household stuff when he gets home from a day at work, yet on the other hand she won't mind if he scarpers 5 days a week? Doesn't ring true does it? Not sure about this thread.

The GF may not want him to drive a train through a red signal for fear he loses his job?

Some people do have genuinely safety critical jobs.

TugboatAnnie · 05/08/2022 15:14

Welcome to the world of women DS.

OopsAnotherOne · 05/08/2022 15:15

Roselilly36 · 05/08/2022 15:12

It would be a no from me! How did he expect parenting to be? I can’t believe for a minute his gf would be happy with this arrangement, unless she feels she is doing everything on her own for the baby, and he would be one person less to consider.

If they are struggling, can you or gf parents lend a hand?

This seems more likely to me. The only reason the girlfriend could actually be happy with having 1 less pair of hands in the house is if that pair of hands is more of a hindrance than a help.

No new mother in their right mind would say "now dear, I know you do everything including all of the washing, cooking, child caring, parenting, but I think it would be better if you could stop all of this and leave me completely alone for 5 days a week while you go and live an easy life at your parents' house. I know it will mean you bond less with our baby and life will get even harder for me but that's fine!". It just DOESN'T HAPPEN.

Either she isn't as fine with the arrangement as your son makes out, or your son isn't as helpful as he makes out. Either way he's ditching his responsibilities and lying to you, which isn't the sort of traits you should be encouraging in your son.

Vikinga · 05/08/2022 15:15

If he needs to be alert and other people's safety is at stake then yes, let him get some sleep at yours.

Hiddenvoice · 05/08/2022 15:15

As a new parent this actually annoys me. Yes he’s busy at work all day but his gf is not just lounging around, she’s busy and tired too. Leaving it basically all to her during the week is unfair. Your grandchild will not know their own father as they will never really see him.
You dh is right, so many other parents have to get on with it, it’s part of being a parent and having a child. Lots of other parents work in critical roles too.
I feel if your son moves home then his relationship will eventually be over as surely the mother will realise how unfair this is.

ImALittlePea · 05/08/2022 15:16

Tbh, I'd say yes for the odd night, as long as his GF also gets a full night off as regularly. But not Monday to Friday on a weekly basus. My youngest was a really difficult baby, the nights were torturous. We took turns every couple of weekends to stay at a family members and have a 'reset' sleep night. It did us the world of good; is that an idea?

carefullycourageous · 05/08/2022 15:17

AquaticSewingMachine · 05/08/2022 15:00

Actual brain surgeons do shifts and on-calls and operate on broken sleep alllllllll the time.

Show quote history

Long term sleep deprivation is different to doing on-calls. Brain surgeons don't do night shifts as a rule - they do not schedule planned surgery through the night. They would of course do emergency on-calls but these are on a rota, not every night for months.

Blanketpolicy · 05/08/2022 15:17

HippPippy · 05/08/2022 14:04

His gf said she doesn’t mind (according to him)

I think you can probably take this as - she is finding him more of a hinderance than help, she is finding it tough enough looking after a newborn without his immature whining about his lack of sleep and his selfish moaning is ruining a precious time with her newborn

You must be mortified your son is behaving so badly.

YouCanHaveAParty · 05/08/2022 15:19

Your DS wasnt probably thinking straight when he asked you!

Pop round for a cuppa and a chat, take some cake and see how they are coping as a family unit with a newborn. If it's their first then it's a big adjustment isn't it?

Maybe the baby isnt settling too well - if so, perhaps you can suggest some coping strategies and offer some advice? If advice isn't appropriate then lead them to services that can help - health visitor/GP/post-natal/baby groups etc. Offer support in that way.

NerrSnerr · 05/08/2022 15:20

Vikinga · 05/08/2022 15:15

If he needs to be alert and other people's safety is at stake then yes, let him get some sleep at yours.

There is a massive difference to going to his parents at 10pm or something to get an unbroken sleep than moving out all week.

People in important, life saving or whatever jobs have babies every single day. He's not the only one. Most people sort out the issue within their own nuclear family and don't need to run to mummy and daddy to sort it.

JacquelineCarlyle · 05/08/2022 15:20

PeterPomegranate · 05/08/2022 14:10

I don’t understand the voting options but I agree with your DH. If my husband had buggered off Monday to Friday nights when our babies were small I’d have been devastated and probably unable to cope.

It’s a rough stage but he’s a dad now and unless there’s some massive backstory he needs to grow up and get through it.

Completely agree with this.

SexyLittleNosferatu · 05/08/2022 15:21

Bluebellsand · 05/08/2022 14:15

If you can afford it, I would offer to pay for a cleaner of their choice (within a certain budget) to come once a week for a month. They can fund it for longer if they wish to keep the service.

Or give him leaflets/ links to cleaners and/or some cooking websites. For quick, healthy and easy meals.

Why? Seriously, why? He's apparently a grown up man who fathered a child and has a super important job but you think his mummy should send him some flashcard recipes?

Kite22 · 05/08/2022 15:21

I don't know how to vote as it is unclear what you are asking if YABU about, but I agree with your dh that this is an outrageous idea from your ds, and he needs to man up and think of his partner.

I would offer him the chance to come and get one solid night's sleep a week and for his partner to also do the same.

Absolutely preposterous that he even thinks this is what parents do Shock

SexyLittleNosferatu · 05/08/2022 15:22

Vikinga · 05/08/2022 15:15

If he needs to be alert and other people's safety is at stake then yes, let him get some sleep at yours.

Are you aware that lots of people with those types of jobs manage to live under the same roof as their children and don't have to run home to mummy?

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 05/08/2022 15:22

My brother had to do this but he had a very intense job that would have resulted in death if his concentration had slipped.

So Monday to Friday he slept at the inlaws a couple of streets away. Then Friday and Saturday nights he took over.

Most people arent workin in the type of environment he was tho, a person in a normal 9 to 5 job should be able to crack on.

Bordesleyhills · 05/08/2022 15:24

No sorry he’s a big boy and his girl friend needs him - maybe you could offer her a bed as she must be exhausted all day and night

Dillydollydingdong · 05/08/2022 15:25

No chance! He's a selfish git. His poor gf having to manage all by herself.

BeeDavis · 05/08/2022 15:25

Perfect opportunity to sit your son down and remind him of his parental responsibilities. Too many men in this world think they don’t have to do certain parts of parenting because they’re out in the world working. No offence but your son sounds like a prick leaving his GF 5 nights a week to deal with THEIR joint child. You can support him by telling him to grow the fuck up and own his shit. His poor GF

cushioncovers · 05/08/2022 15:25

What support are giving them op ?

cushioncovers · 05/08/2022 15:25

Are you