Adult son wants to move back mon - fri to ‘get a night’s sleep’

[HippPippy]

DS 27 and his gf recently had a baby. As you’d expect they are being woken up during the night. DS has asked if he can move back in mon - fri so he can get a proper night’s sleep so he can concentrate on going to work and do his job effectively.

DH thinks the idea is outrageous and he should just ‘get on with it’ , I feel a bit confused as to why he is even asking. Surely other new parents don’t do this? I get sleep deprivation is hard, but I am not overly enamoured with this idea. But I don’t want to be unsupportive either - how would you respond?

Your ds is in a difficult position as he has an important risky day job so does need his sleep. Reading all your posts I don't think he's trying to opt out, and if he's saying he's doing all the work after he finishes work it sounds difficult.
I think you've cracked it with offering to have baby overnight. Hope it goes well

Yes op said that gf isn't working & doesn't have an interest in working.

@HippPippy I haven't read through all the replies but this is mine. I understand your Ds situation and his need for a restful night's sleep prior to work commitments. I did all the night time care for my son's, my DH worked full-time and my fear was he would be too tired to drive there/home from work (45minutes each way) in fact if I think back I did 95% of the care of our children, whilst working part-time. In my eyes it was my duty as a mum, no resentment, just what I felt was my role.

This, all of this.

How did he ever think this would be fine to do? He's selfishly leaving ALL the work to his gf.

OP, please tell him to grow up, act like an adult, do his fair share of parenting, and a fair share of all household tasks. He helped make a child, and he lives there. He owes his child & gf consideration, kindness, and his participation in household management & childcare. His shared home, his shared child! The magnitude of selfishness. I hope this is not real.

At close to 30 yrs old, he should have been sharing in household burden for at least 20 yrs. My brother & I began chores at age 10 or so. Increasing responsibilities with age.

You're not shocked enough, OP, & that is sad. Time for that coddled adult man to grow up.

I’m on my own 2 nights a week with DD 9 months, bf baby and find it mentally draining at times, also no family support.
When DP gets back he looks after her to give me the chance to do something on my own/ uninterrupted. It’s really needed.

She might just need a few hours to herself.

Agree, thoroughly.

I would offer to look after the baby at certain times during the week or weekend so they can both catch up on sleep. Sleep deprivation is the worst but we have all been there. Maybe the odd night at yours to catch up on some sleep but monday to Friday - No! It will get better soon I’m sure. We have all done the constantly tired stage when they are tiny. They will get through it.

@HippPippy you seem such a kind,
loving and supportive mum and grandparent as well as a lovely MIL. I hope the chat goes well. When I had my first baby I presented much as the gf in this case. I suffered enormously with PND and also had my parents overseas. My MIL saved my life. She saved our relationship and she saved our family. I can never repay her for what she did for us in those early months. I hope it goes well today. ❤️

Exactly.

I’m sorry but that’s disgusting. I’m pregnant now and would be devastated if my partner abandoned me like that. His child deserves better. I think you or your husband need to have a strong word with him?

That’s typical I’m afraid - new parents these days seem to want everyone else to help them bring up their kids. As for boundaries??? Don’t get me started.

If your son's girlfriend can express enough milk for a nightfeed, or if she is using formula, why not offer both parents a night off on their own at your place so both of them can enjoy a seventh of the week without baby or partner.

Is he a driver or something where he can't work safely without sleep? Maybe I'd offer the odd night respite to both him and gf to be fair, but Monday to Friday sounds a bit extreme and like he's not really pulling his weight.

Does he not think his poor GF would like some sleep too? Would be totally unfair on her, it seems very immature to me.
Maybe get his Dad to speak to him and explain what being a parent is.

I was going to say maybe a compromise would be to offer to have the baby overnight once or twice a week. Is the baby's Mum not coping well?

Oh god don’t

Stories often end up in the press so it's possible she could see it!

We don’t know any sides of the story here I don’t think.
not even the sons.
she could be totally fine at the sisters and told him to go sleep at his mums.
she could jot be coping.or bonding.and that is first and foremost something u HAVE to sort out.FIRST.
make sure it feels like you are on the families side not just your sons.
mid he’s not coping that equally needs the same support as possible pnd mum.
basically you need a good honest chat.
I think the offer of taking the load off in any way possible would be a amazing thing to do.
a previous poster mentioned simply taking the baby off their hands for a weekend whilst they rested and were cooked and looked after at yours or you to theirs.
or going to hers to do the shitty house bits
Cooking meals
taiing baby a few nights a week
and yes even him coming and sleeping for a few hours rest.
help them with what they need has to have everyone input.

Haven't RTFT (just the OPs posts) but my DB wanted to stay with me when his youngest was a few months old - he planned to split with his wife eventually. I had 2 spare bedrooms and still said no; no way was I facilitating him pissing off and leaving my SIL with 2 babies, no chance - you wanna shirk your responsibilities sort it out yourself.

You will damage your relationship with you DIL forever if you do this; and as he doesn't seem wholly committed it could be her you depend on to facilitate the relationship with your GC. He's a grown-ass man, tell him to act like one!

I’d be bloody mortified if my son asked me this.

FWIW OP, you sound like a really kind mother/grandmother.
It’s lovely that you’re inviting both of them to chat and find a way forward. Especially without her parents in this country, it’s great to see you’re willing to support them both.

They’re both very lucky to have you. I hope you get a chance to support them both and to be part of your DGC’s life.
All the best!

Yikes some of the advice is a bit harsh. My advice would be to tell your son to do shifts with his girlfriend. Switch off every other feeding or cry (every so many hours 4). If the crying is nonstop double check with the doctor might be colic or gas. If so, double check the formula (if formula fed) or diet of the gf (if breast fed). Bicycle legs, tummy massages, and wrapping helps babies sleep. My youngest is 11 months. If you don't want to overstep boundaries with the girlfriend and isn't comfortable mentioning those things to your son maybe mention mom websites (mom groups on fb or what to expect when you are expecting has communities of moms who support each other) where the girlfriend can get advice from other moms. When the time comes should my kids have kids I will let them know no obligations but if you guys (mom and dad) need a break you can come with your kids to my house or I can come to you to help for a day or two. Hope this helps!

Just to add, it’s normal in many cultures for the new mum to stay with family where they can get good support and rest, away from the the father. If her sister has other people to help, she could want him away because it’s probably more convenient that she’s with her sister on her own, rather than the husband being there all the time, too.

I agree with your DH. The little sausage needs to be a big boy and get on with it. He's a grown man!!

How does your DS think that everyone else has managed to be a new parent ?

He is 27, not 17 & I also agree that he should been more prepared to be a parent. He now has responsibilities.