Adult son wants to move back mon - fri to ‘get a night’s sleep’

[HippPippy]

DS 27 and his gf recently had a baby. As you’d expect they are being woken up during the night. DS has asked if he can move back in mon - fri so he can get a proper night’s sleep so he can concentrate on going to work and do his job effectively.

DH thinks the idea is outrageous and he should just ‘get on with it’ , I feel a bit confused as to why he is even asking. Surely other new parents don’t do this? I get sleep deprivation is hard, but I am not overly enamoured with this idea. But I don’t want to be unsupportive either - how would you respond?

I'm not bitter.
I don't have a child or a partner.
No skin in the game.

But I think your son wants to have the lovely bits of a baby, bath time, fun, playing and cuddles. But none of the grind - not the same shit different day because he suggesting he leaves the house in the every weekend evening only seeing his child's after to work to the baby for a couple of hours. What?!?

That makes no sense to me, no wonder his gf is struggling, he's basically used her as a baby maker!

That would make more sense as a solution to me.

Plot twist.

Girlfriend has seen all the posts from MIL while being “glued to her phone”. Has shown the son all the awful things MIL has said about her. They’ve gone straight around to have it out with her.

Also, OP, is your husband a bitter woman who was left to do all the parenting of your newborn baby/ies alone? Because he agrees your son is a useless man child

Maybe suggest he consider 2 nights respite at your place so long as his partner gets the same later in the week!

Why is is bitter to expect men to parent their children?

Your son wants to move back In with his parents five nights a week because his new baby is interrupting his sleep.

it’s not bitter to call that out.

your own husband said absolutely not.

it is 2022. Why is the bar still so much lower for men? If someone calls out lazy, selfish behaviour why must they be bitter or damaged or let down by a man?

have you ever asked yourself about your own attitudes to gender roles? Why you expect so little from your son? Why you are defending him as a great dad, when he clearly wants to run away from the baby and the responsibility?

I suspect he isn’t as successful as you have implied. If he was the problem solving would swing in. Employ a cleaner, subscribe to a meal service, get a nanny in a couple of nights a week to give everyone a rest.

running home and leaving the women to cope with the baby isn’t a mature response - and it isn’t bitter to call out this behaviour.

Personally I'd rather have his partner over at the weekend so SHE can rest!

He sounds very selfish. What about the mother and taking it in turns? Shocking

I am another person who thinks the son has lost the plot completely. When you think of all the mothers who reliably rock up to work after giving birth, then breastfeeding, then having disturbed nights, and the devoted fathers who manage to support them stoically with all this going on, covertly kipping at lunchtime in the photocopy room or whatever to stay functional, he looks like a total man child.

Ask him if his girlfriend and baby are coming too!!

i would not entertain it in the slightest

Gosh I used to fantasise about a single night in a hotel on my own when DS was young, just to sleep and eat a meal in peace. I just knew if I could have one unbroken night I could cope for another few months of sleep deprivation.

Why not compromise and suggest he can come one night a week to sleep and she also gets a night away at her sisters or yours? Then both have a chance to catch up?

I think your son is trying to do his best for everyone. However, spending so many nights away from his family is too extreme. If he needs a good night's sleep he could use earplugs, sleep separately from his partner, while still at home. There could be an emergency for which he is needed. It may be a good idea for him to have one night at your's, for a good meal, long bath & bed with an uninterrupted 8 hours. You are being supportive to them both, you sound a lovely grandmother.

I can't believe this

Either he's not that interested and wants to leave her

Or

She's wanting to claim benefits as a single parent and they think him moving out is a way to do this

My newborn woke every 2 hours until he was well… like a year old. 1 night a week my husband would go and get a full nights sleep as he worked in a very dangerous / high risk job. He then also did the same for me when I’d stopped breastfeeding so one of us was having a full night’s sleep once a week. It was survival. They should be a team here - 5 days a week is really pushing it if you ask me.

We all know the first few weeks, months (and let's face it, years) with a baby are really tough and exhausting. I think it's great that you are thinking about what is best all around and are hesitant to do anything that will contribute to making the end result worse, yet you do want to help.

I agree - talking openly at your lunch and trying to come up with a solution that helps, but also works for all is a good idea. It does sound like she may have PND and I would definitely not ignore that. It does sound like maybe she gets a bit of a break in the evenings when he returns from work but there's no break for him and some sort of solution that enables him to get a bit more sleep may help.

It's tricky as a parent knowing where the lines are between helping where you can but not helping so much that you are stopping your adult children from living up to their full potential. Good luck!!!

Ss

No, life, get on with it, poor gf.

I had an 18 month old and new born and dh had just changed his job. I did end up sleeping downstairs with the baby for a bit just so dh could get a good night sleep in his first week or so, but not for long.

With all of that said, my husband and I had no help. I did all the nights when I was on maternity leave because he had to be up and be functioning for work. He would cook and help a lot in the evenings. We did it as a team. I do think it's a bit unreasonable to expect your partner to do all the nights if he has to work the next day and you don't have to be. When both people have to be at work the next day, that's a different story!

Tell him to grow up acting like a spoilt brat sorry to say Surely he realised newborns cry alot tell him spare room or ear plugs he needs to get up a to change baby eg maybe feed baby if bottle feeding .He could do this day 10pm or 6am .Sirry ti say you have brought up a wimp goid job I’m not their midwife

Wow @HippPippy , no way. If he moved back in the week, you'd be enabling him to not do his bit and help his partner with the baby at night much.

Nope, that's definitely not on, he needs to get on with it and also not leave his gf unless there's more to the story he isn't telling you x

Haven’t RTFT

Once I’d finished laughing, I’d say no.

He’s 39 so he’s not a youngster.

Their living arrangement sounds not great. If the gf is ok with it, so would I be.

And that’s who your son chooses to have children with? Is he ready to provide for her for the rest of her life given she has no interest in working. And by that I assume you mean she has no interest in working ever not brag she wants to stay at home with the kid for a while.

Totally agree with your husband.