Adult son wants to move back mon - fri to ‘get a night’s sleep’

[HippPippy]

DS 27 and his gf recently had a baby. As you’d expect they are being woken up during the night. DS has asked if he can move back in mon - fri so he can get a proper night’s sleep so he can concentrate on going to work and do his job effectively.

DH thinks the idea is outrageous and he should just ‘get on with it’ , I feel a bit confused as to why he is even asking. Surely other new parents don’t do this? I get sleep deprivation is hard, but I am not overly enamoured with this idea. But I don’t want to be unsupportive either - how would you respond?

Apologies, that was me confusing two different threads. The op here hasn’t stated salaries.

Not bitter at all… I’m 38 and just had my first baby (and seemed to be the youngest in my NCT group 😆) and because of that kind of understand the GF and her “whoops moment.”
The DS is only 27 so it does sound like he was babytrapped.
And yes, I know it takes two to tango, but how many men (at 27) shoulder the responsibility for contraception?
I don’t see the relationship lasting so OP’s son better think about what 50/50 custody might do to his Big Important Man Job. However, my suspicion is GF is counting on some lucrative child maintenance so he’ll probably only get to be a Disney dad.
A friend’s ex made her move out, back to her family home, because he got fed up being waked by the baby. Supreme man child. Relationship broke down of course. By comparison OP’s DS isn’t as bad.

When I was on maternity leave I did all of the overnights during the week so that my husband could sleep because he had to get up early for work and then on the weekends he would do both overnight so that I would get two nights of uninterrupted sleep. Would something like that work for them? Then when I went back to work we alternated waking up so if she woke up three times then I would get up first and then he would get up and then I would get up or vice versa.

I always wonder what people think women with these kinds of jobs do.

The answer is: get on with parenting.

there is nobody, nobody at all, who can guarantee they’ve had a full eight hours of good quality sleep every single time they show up to work.

As far as him doing a lot when he is home, maybe girlfriend isn't physically recovered yet from the childbirth and is trying to do most of the night wakings besides being home all day with baby? I'd be skeptical of the idea he is doing more than his share. If she gets too exhausted she's going to get sick or depressed, and then he'll really be stuck. I'd offer him a night or two to recover his sleep, and offer her exactly the same, plus try to get them some additional support.

I'd expect their partners to be doing as much as possible so they could get as much sleep as they could.

OP, I just wanted to say that I think you are wonderful and approaching this in exactly the right way. It's good that there are at least one or two helpful responses here.

That’s quite a leap! So the poor woman’s partner has decided he wants to move back to mummy during the week, leaving her unsupported with a new baby and possible signs of PND, and she’s in a foreign country with only her sister for support - yet she’s planned all this and after some hypothetical pay out. The father doesn’t sound as though he’s on a lot of money (safety critical jobs aren’t always well paid) considering they’re living with her sister and he can’t afford somewhere for them to live on their own or any paid help - both of those would be a logical step for an adult, not moving back in with your parents. You must have a very low opinion of women if you think she is the issue in this scenario.

I’m glad you have the same clear understanding as I do 😵‍💫

You can support him and her by not doing this.

Maybe as someone else suggested go over in the day to let gf have a rest / nap. Do some washing up and maybe make a meal from them both to eat later.

The problem with men who think they are doing “ more than their fair share “ is that in their heads their fair share is .about 10%. So when they find that they are doing 15% they feel over worked.

Of course he is doing everything for the baby in the evenings. I’m sure his partner is doing everything for the baby for the 50 hours a week that he’s at work / commuting . No doubt she is doing housework etc when he cares for the baby, or things like showering which it’s hard to do with a high demand baby,

You are doing him no favours if you encourage him to opt out of being a parent at this early stage. It’s hard work as your Dh sees to understand better than you do.

What at entitled man, absolutely not ! He is a young man. as well as a father and partner, tell him to grow up and accept his responsibilities.

Clicked on YABU by mistake. No your son needs to stay with his DP ans co parent his DC, that is very selfish of him to want to bugger off and leave her to it. Yer husband is right. We all had to do it .

Op your posts make no sense.

how did this woman support herself before your son came along?

how is your son the perfect parent versus her being useless when she does the vast majority of the parenting and he wants to run away because he thinks he does more than his fair share?

if he truly has his own place why does he want to move in with you?

if your son truly has this unbelievably important job then why can he not afford a cleaner to help with the housework?

why have the couple and baby moved in with the sister and not the other way round?

all a bit odd!

@Chillinoncarneisunderrated just so you know, you can change your vote by hitting the other option.

OP you seem to have glossed over the fact that your son had unprotected sex with a stranger, he created this situation.

If his gf is from another country is there a language barrier and that's why she's quiet?

It is possible for the OP's son to be handling this all very badly AND for the girlfriend to be doing so also. The two are not mutually exclusive! It ALL sounds a bit crap and I am shocked to hear that they are in their late 30s. OP, you sound very kind and well meaning and more involved than I would be inclined to be at their ages.

OP, you sound very kind and well meaning

Really?

@MissTrip82 well, exactly. I have friends who have those kind of jobs, They just crack on 🤷‍♀️. No dramas or song and dance

Yes, really!

She has described factual things about her son's girlfriend and has not trashed her. And some home truths about her son. How many of you would be delighted to have their son in this situation? Or for that matter, a 39 year old daughter who has no interest in working, isn't bonding with her baby and is in a very shaky relationship. It ALL sounds very difficult and a muddle and the OP has shown restraint on this thread in the face of some really horrible things which have been said about her son.

Not really something to gloss over - two consenting adults had unprotected sex. It’s not ideal but it happens. Surely that’s an equal responsibility (or ‘irresponsibility’ in this case!).

there’s no language barrier

Sure its an equal responsibility, which is why your son now has an equal responsibility for the child he parented, which he tried to opt out of.

Well that’s what I thought as well. I think the majority of people do just crack on, probably as they have no choice. It’s not about having any ‘specific kind of job’, it’s more about the fact that he (and maybe her as well) are clearly struggling and need support which is why he has approached me.

I’m a parent (and grand parent) who wants to help and do what’s best for all. As I’ve said previously we’re having lunch together tomorrow and I’m hoping to have a frank discussion and put something in place that will support him, his gf and of course the baby.

That’s not what is happening at all

There are a lot of very bitter posters here who have clearly been let down by male partners / father of their children which is maybe why there’s so much judgement and vitriol, I understand that.

I hope things can be better for you all and thank you for all your input.