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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult son wants to move back mon - fri to ‘get a night’s sleep’

762 replies

HippPippy · 05/08/2022 13:58

DS 27 and his gf recently had a baby. As you’d expect they are being woken up during the night. DS has asked if he can move back in mon - fri so he can get a proper night’s sleep so he can concentrate on going to work and do his job effectively.

DH thinks the idea is outrageous and he should just ‘get on with it’ , I feel a bit confused as to why he is even asking. Surely other new parents don’t do this? I get sleep deprivation is hard, but I am not overly enamoured with this idea. But I don’t want to be unsupportive either - how would you respond?

OP posts:
Beelezebub · 05/08/2022 22:42

You tell him no and to get a god damned fucking grip of himself and then give yourself a shake.

YellowPlumbob · 05/08/2022 22:47

”Man takes over childcare from woman who’s been doing it all day and night; complains and runs to Mummy”

Wtf. He’s tired from parenting for a few hours in the evening? Boo fucken hoo. He was more excited than her? Not now he ain’t.

allboysherebutme · 05/08/2022 22:49

Tell him no, he needs to stay home look after his baby and support his partner and while he's at it he needs to grow up and not try to run home as soon as it gets tough. X

W00p · 05/08/2022 22:51

It's be a hard no from me. I'd rather stick my head into a vat of acid than reinforce the idea that as soon as shit hits the fan the man can run away and leave the woman with the baby. She doesn't get the opportunity to up and leave. This is their joint responsibility, sorry he's tired.

Cornishclio · 05/08/2022 22:51

No I don't think you should let him escape his responsibilities and move back in with you. He needs to find a way to make it work. My DDs 4 year old still wakes her and her husband up so this could be a long term arrangement if the baby continues to wake up as some children do for years.

I would encourage him to sit down with his gf and maybe come to an arrangement where she does the night time feeds during the week when he is working and she is presumably on maternity leave and he does them weekends. Or do as my DD and her DH did and split the night so one did the first shift and one the early morning. They need to find a way to sort this out between them as a team and you should not be stepping in to protect your adult son from stepping up and helping his gf, whether he works or not. Millions of us have had to do it.

curlymom · 05/08/2022 22:52

Wow really? Can’t he sleep in a spare room a few nights a week. My husband was a pilot and we had two and spare room did the trick. Maybe he wants to get away for other reasons!

Rainbowqueeen · 05/08/2022 23:00

I want to believe that your DS is a devoted father but I just can’t from the information you have provided.

Decisions about sleep (which is vital for everyone) should be made on the basis of what is best for the whole family. This request of his seems to be based on what is best for him and him alone. If his partner is struggling then what is he doing about that?? I’m not saying he needs to do everything but surely a decent dad would be asking his parents for help in ways that support his partner not just him.
Id feel incredibly alone if my partners solution to a tough time for both of us was to disappear for 5 nights a week rather than do something that would benefit both of us.

PND sounds like it is very likely. Your poor DIL

Thinkingblonde · 05/08/2022 23:01

Poor girl, possibility she has PND and struggles to bond with her baby and her boyfriend want to go back to his parents for five nights a week.
What a Prince among men.

Rosebel · 05/08/2022 23:08

It's hard working with broken sleep. However you think his gf isn't coping well and possibly has PND so what do you think will happen if she's on her own all day and night with the baby? Do you think that is going to help her PND? When is she supposed to sleep or is she meant to go 5 days and nights without sleeping?
Is it that she expects him to get up at night or does she get up but the baby wakes him anyway?
I used to do nights with our children Sunday to Thursday and my husband did the weekends as he does a lot of driving. Whoever did the night shift the other parent would do the first feed of the day (usually around 6am).
He comes home and helps with the baby and chores, isn't that just part of being a parent?
I don't think this relationship is going to work. He wants to get a full night sleep rather than support his gf and she doesn't care. Doesn't sound like a loving relationship on either side.

FreyaStorm · 05/08/2022 23:12

OP are you insinuating that your DS, who you imply is a pilot, was “baby trapped” by this girl, considering that she got pregnant immediately - unplanned - and also “has no interest in working”?
How old is the GF if you don’t mind me asking?

JuniorTiger · 05/08/2022 23:14

I don’t get all the assumptions and judgement on this thread at all

Original poster
HippPippy · 05/08/2022 23:17

FreyaStorm · 05/08/2022 23:12

OP are you insinuating that your DS, who you imply is a pilot, was “baby trapped” by this girl, considering that she got pregnant immediately - unplanned - and also “has no interest in working”?
How old is the GF if you don’t mind me asking?

I didn’t imply anything, I just said he works in aviation.

GF is 39

OP posts:
Stripedbag101 · 05/08/2022 23:17

FreyaStorm · 05/08/2022 23:12

OP are you insinuating that your DS, who you imply is a pilot, was “baby trapped” by this girl, considering that she got pregnant immediately - unplanned - and also “has no interest in working”?
How old is the GF if you don’t mind me asking?

Nkk ok neat he’s a pilot with the hours he is working.

op hero worships this man - but from what I have heard he is a bit of a dick.

i would be embarrassed if my adult son wanted to sleep at home five nights a week and leave his girlfriend to care for their baby alone.

lots of adults have high pressured jobs and also have babies. This thread is bonkers

Amipreg1 · 05/08/2022 23:22

If he really wants to only be a weekend dad he's going the right way about it.

He's needs to grow up sharpish and stop being so selfish.

Please don't enable this behaviour. You need to tell him he's being ridiculous.

SpencersCroftCat · 05/08/2022 23:23

OP you sound like a lovely MIL. She does sound depressed. She also may be sitting on her phone to zone out and self regulate.

She might also just happen to be a giant thundercunt but making the effort with her/ for her might help loads, specially if it's all happened so fast.

If she's genuinely ok with the arrangement, then one or two nights spread out in the week might be ok. Having the baby for a night a week may also help if she's amenable to it.

But it does sound like she needs some extra post natal support. Maybe try asking her round and talking with her. Just make sure she knows you won't judge.

FusionChefGeoff · 05/08/2022 23:37

I think you could maybe offer him to have 1 night at yours as long as GF also gets 1 night off. That makes sense to me.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/08/2022 23:46

If he's that desperate to go back to being 11 again, then he's not allowed out other than to go to work and come straight back for his tea. No going to the pub, no lie ins, has to do chores, no knobbing somebody else (which is probably his main motivation, being able to be single without telling her), gives you 50% of his salary to go to his kid (after all, he says he's not actually left her, so he won't get to keep 90% for himself), pays market rate for his bedroom, does his own shopping, cooking, washing and cleaning - or you back up your husband who knows exactly what the entitled little shit is really playing at.

Original poster
HippPippy · 05/08/2022 23:51

SpencersCroftCat · 05/08/2022 23:23

OP you sound like a lovely MIL. She does sound depressed. She also may be sitting on her phone to zone out and self regulate.

She might also just happen to be a giant thundercunt but making the effort with her/ for her might help loads, specially if it's all happened so fast.

If she's genuinely ok with the arrangement, then one or two nights spread out in the week might be ok. Having the baby for a night a week may also help if she's amenable to it.

But it does sound like she needs some extra post natal support. Maybe try asking her round and talking with her. Just make sure she knows you won't judge.

Thank you, I am a supportive person (so is DH) and genuinely want to help them both. She is quiet by nature, so she possibly feels uncomfortable when visiting. I have tried very hard to welcome her and let her know we are here to help if she wants us to.

My son is the opposite- he’s a bit of an extravert, can ramble on and I think maybe his incessant chatting and cooing over the baby is a bit annoying for her. She possibly feels a little claustrophobic which his maybe why she seemed on board for him to sleep here in the week. (Maybe she’s trying to get rid of him!)

She’s also from a different country and despite her sister being here, I’m sure she probably misses the rest of her family so that must be very difficult for her too.

Although I’ve told my son he can’t stay here, that’s not the solution, I’ve invited them for Sunday dinner so maybe we can all chat openly and see if we can help either by looking after the baby or if all of them want to stay here once or twice a week or whatever.

It’s important she realises we want to support her too.

OP posts:
Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 05/08/2022 23:57

So she's 39, not from this country, her only other family in this country is her sister, but she has never worked/had no intention of working, but was somehow managing to stay in this country with a roof over her head and eat

You son owns/rents his own house/flat that they are not currently living in but when he needs somewhere else to get a good nights sleep the only place he can go is his parents house

She has simultaneously trapped him into parenthood (I'm assuming because this fits the doesn't want to work narrative) but was also really unhappy about getting pregnant

She is happy to look after the baby by herself five days a week, but isn't bonded with the baby or coping very well, despite the fact she is doing all the night wakings and the majority of the daytime care herself

Your son is bonded with the baby and is making all the effort but cannot cope with having to do cooking and laundry and needs to come home to his mum and thinks about 4 hours in the evening bonding with the baby and light housework is more than is fair share

Okay then thats as clear as mud

FreyaStorm · 06/08/2022 00:16

HippPippy · 05/08/2022 23:17

I didn’t imply anything, I just said he works in aviation.

GF is 39

Show quote history

Ah, so she was in the last chance saloon and had a “contraception failure.”

I still think he may be a pilot and even though realistically there’s many other jobs that earn the same and much more, it’s kind of glam and I’m getting the vibe that if your DS was on minimum wage she probably wouldn’t be having an “oops” baby with him so fast.

I feel sorry for your DS and if he was mine, she does not sound like the kind of partner I’d want for him. I’m sure you envisioned something very different for him.

SemperIdem · 06/08/2022 00:31

I’m going to assume they’re both around the same age. So very significantly into adulthood. Your husband is right here - no he cannot effectively move back to his mummy and daddy’s house in his middle age because adult life has become more adult.

He earns 120k a year - could he not just hire a night nanny or whatever it is similarly well off people do to palm off their children on others?

Blobblobblob · 06/08/2022 00:36

ChuckItBucket · 05/08/2022 14:03

Not only do you outright refuse you also read him the riot act -how dare he try and duck out of his responsibilities like that

Absolutely kick his arse for this outrageous machild fuckery.

If you want to help, reach out to his partner as I can imagine she's having a shit time putting up with his ridiculousness.

Brented · 06/08/2022 00:39

Have I missed where the OP said how much the son earned? I assumed he was ground staff at an airport, certainly doesn’t sound pilot/traffic control based on the OP’s description of their set up. The PP who mentioned ‘last chance saloon’ made me chuckle, methinks the PP is a little bitter! 39 is hardly past it these days, she was probably the youngest in her NCT group!!

Rainbowqueeen · 06/08/2022 00:57

Your last update sounds like the right idea OP.

This must be stressful for you. It is highly likely that the baby came along too early in the relationship and this has made things really hard for them both but this is where things are at and they both need to focus on being the best parents that they can be, while you offer them both what support you are able to offer. Best wishes to you all. Hope the chat on Sunday is productive

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/08/2022 01:10

What a tosser. I hope you told him so too.

So he expects his GF to care for their baby 24 hours a day while he runs off to his Mummy for a sleep?

What a sad excuse of a man.