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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult son wants to move back mon - fri to ‘get a night’s sleep’

762 replies

HippPippy · 05/08/2022 13:58

DS 27 and his gf recently had a baby. As you’d expect they are being woken up during the night. DS has asked if he can move back in mon - fri so he can get a proper night’s sleep so he can concentrate on going to work and do his job effectively.

DH thinks the idea is outrageous and he should just ‘get on with it’ , I feel a bit confused as to why he is even asking. Surely other new parents don’t do this? I get sleep deprivation is hard, but I am not overly enamoured with this idea. But I don’t want to be unsupportive either - how would you respond?

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 05/08/2022 21:34

Your son is doing the opposite of trying to make the relationship work if he seriously wants to sleep five nights a week in your home.

You don't seem to understand how contradictory your statements about your son are.

Namenic · 05/08/2022 21:48

I’d also have a serious conversation with son about whether he should be getting be getting a vasectomy or using a condom every time. Either that or changing his line of work. because it sounds v challenging.

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/08/2022 21:52

He is obviously not a pilot

Stickworm · 05/08/2022 21:53

does seem to be doing more than his fair share when he can

his ‘fair share’? And what is the gf doing all day other than looking after the baby?

Alicesweewonders · 05/08/2022 21:53

I knew couple who did this, but they did it so she could claim to be a single parent..

With him wanting out of the family home 5 night a week, I guess she could.

MummyJ36 · 05/08/2022 21:54

Sorry to say but he was an equal
part in creating this baby so he should share an equal part of parenting. I’d be horrified if my DS pulled this when he was an adult. If you’re old enough to make a baby you’re old enough to have some sleepless nights. He’s a 27 year old MAN, a grown adult, not some teenage boy who has never lived in the real world before. I’d offer to help support DS and his gf, maybe help watch the baby at the weekend so he can nap, but to entertain having him stay with you 5 nights a week to get looked after by his own mother is a terrible terrible way of starting his parenting journey.

Peashoots · 05/08/2022 21:56

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/08/2022 21:52

He is obviously not a pilot

Agreed 100%.

JenniferBarkley · 05/08/2022 22:04

DS absolutely adores both gf and the baby - would do anything for them.

Oh come on, he'd do anything for them, except stay with them and look after his child? Like I said I'm sympathetic to them for finding it tough, but this is not the move of a dedicated, devoted new father.

deedledeedledum · 05/08/2022 22:04

Frazzled2207 · 05/08/2022 18:16

totally ridiculous. abandoning your wife entirely the nights she's at home with the baby would be awful.
Not unreasonable him to go and sleep elsewhere in (his own) house though. This is what we did for months. And then DH did the night shifts at weekends.

Perhaps they live in a teeny one bedroom flat. How is he supposed to go to another room when there isn't one?

Badromancer · 05/08/2022 22:08

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

Thinkbiglittleone · 05/08/2022 22:09

I agree, I want to support them both. DS absolutely adores both gf and the baby - would do anything for them. I am concerned she has not bonded with the baby at all. I think this is why they have temporarily moved in to be with her sister who she is very close to - it’s not because of financial reasons
Just wondering if you have ever met the sister or spoke to her.
If so, I was going to say could you maybe see if she thinks your sons GF is ok or if maybe she needs a little extra support.

I get the impression she doesn’t seem to want to take care of the baby - she just sits glued to her mobile when they visit and doesn’t interact at all with the baby.
If anyone wants to make the relationship work it’s my son. She doesn’t seem particularly bothered

She might use the time she is with you guys to catch up on scrolling through her phone, maybe. But I would be concerned if I thought this was "the norm" and maybe have a chat and see if there is anything you can help with.

I don’t dislike gf, I try and make an effort with her but it is not reciprocated, she’s clearly not interested in forming any kind of relationship with me or DH. It’s a shame as we would have liked to have been involved in the baby’s life, she’s not an easy person to get along with - even before the baby was born, but we’re all different

I think talking as if you would have liked to "have been involved in baby's life" sounds maybe as if you think they won't go the course.
Even if that is the case, you need to keep in mind they don't need to be a happy 2.4 children for you to be involved in baby's life.

You need to continue to show respect and support to baby's mum and hope you have instilled good values in your son that he absolutely does the right thing and you both have input in baby's life

they will need to work it out themselves, it’s a difficult time for all new parents
You sound like you really care and that's lovely.
Yes ultimately it is up to them, but a bit of guidance and support ,as you are doing, goes a long way,

Dontwanttoberudeorwastetime · 05/08/2022 22:12

I don’t dislike gf, I try and make an effort with her but it is not reciprocated, she’s clearly not interested in forming any kind of relationship with me or DH. It’s a shame as we would have liked to have been involved in the baby’s life, she’s not an easy person to get along with - even before the baby was born, but we’re all different.

Really? Because you haven’t said a single positive thing about her. You manage to be so negative about her that the negatives even contradict themselves. She’s “the type” who doesn’t want to work and got pregnant within minutes of meeting your successful son yet was pissed off about being pregnant. Well, which one is it? Is she a money grabbing, sloth who planned on trapping your son with a baby or an unmotherly, cold bitch who hates babies?

You’re the exact opposite with your son. Positive and sympathetic to the point of contradiction. He’s a hands on dad who will do anything to support his family yet he wants to spend the majority of his free time away from them.

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 05/08/2022 22:12

HippPippy · 05/08/2022 21:14

I agree, I want to support them both. DS absolutely adores both gf and the baby - would do anything for them. I am concerned she has not bonded with the baby at all. I think this is why they have temporarily moved in to be with her sister who she is very close to - it’s not because of financial reasons.

I get the impression she doesn’t seem to want to take care of the baby - she just sits glued to her mobile when they visit and doesn’t interact at all with the baby.
If anyone wants to make the relationship work it’s my son. She doesn’t seem particularly bothered.

I don’t dislike gf, I try and make an effort with her but it is not reciprocated, she’s clearly not interested in forming any kind of relationship with me or DH. It’s a shame as we would have liked to have been involved in the baby’s life, she’s not an easy person to get along with - even before the baby was born, but we’re all different.

they will need to work it out themselves, it’s a difficult time for all new parents.

Show quote history

Out of the two of them I would say the one who wants to leave the house 5 days a week is probably the one who has not bonded with the baby....

SpotlessMind88 · 05/08/2022 22:14

HippPippy · 05/08/2022 21:14

I agree, I want to support them both. DS absolutely adores both gf and the baby - would do anything for them. I am concerned she has not bonded with the baby at all. I think this is why they have temporarily moved in to be with her sister who she is very close to - it’s not because of financial reasons.

I get the impression she doesn’t seem to want to take care of the baby - she just sits glued to her mobile when they visit and doesn’t interact at all with the baby.
If anyone wants to make the relationship work it’s my son. She doesn’t seem particularly bothered.

I don’t dislike gf, I try and make an effort with her but it is not reciprocated, she’s clearly not interested in forming any kind of relationship with me or DH. It’s a shame as we would have liked to have been involved in the baby’s life, she’s not an easy person to get along with - even before the baby was born, but we’re all different.

they will need to work it out themselves, it’s a difficult time for all new parents.

Show quote history

Hang on. They both temporarily moved into her sister's house because the mother hasn't bonded well with the baby, not because of financial reasons. So why doesn't your son just go back to his house to sleep and his gf stay at her sisters? Why is your son asking to stay at your house OP for 5 nights a week?
the more you drip feed the more it doesn't make sense

Cosmos123 · 05/08/2022 22:18

Why don't they split the nights each one does . The other one sleeps in the spare room.

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 05/08/2022 22:21

SpotlessMind88 · 05/08/2022 22:14

Hang on. They both temporarily moved into her sister's house because the mother hasn't bonded well with the baby, not because of financial reasons. So why doesn't your son just go back to his house to sleep and his gf stay at her sisters? Why is your son asking to stay at your house OP for 5 nights a week?
the more you drip feed the more it doesn't make sense

Show quote history

Because then he would still have to do the cooking and laundry of course, the stuff he is complaining to his mum he is having to do.

He wants a woman to pick up after him I'm guessing and unfortunately the two he is living with at the moment aren't pandering to his needs so he needs to come home from his very important job to his mum so she can look after him

expat101 · 05/08/2022 22:22

I also don't understand why he cannot return to their place if they have moved in with her sister. I also understand he might be uncomfortable at the sister's place as well, esp. if it wasn't his idea...

There is a lot going on with the information provided, but I would suggest if the baby is being bottle fed, why not set up a nursery at yours and offer to take the baby once or twice a week, same nights every week? Let them both catch up on some sleep and give her a break from being the 24/7 carer/parent.

The baby will grow to know you, and you are providing them both with support.

If the relationship doesn't go the course, at least you will already be involved in the baby's life, have already provided for it in your home (should Dad move back home due to the relationship failing) and nothing needs to change but you still get to see the baby/toddler/little person.

that's the way I would approach it.

ThinWomansBrain · 05/08/2022 22:25

Invite the GF over for a night of respite sleep, leave Twat face bell end DS to look after the baby.
What was he planning to do - pop infor a couple of hours on the weekend so GF can cook him Sunday lunch?🙄

LondonLovie · 05/08/2022 22:26

"it’s difficult because he’s really struggling and does seem to be doing more than his fair share when he can"

'More' than his fair share. Biscuit

Sounds like you've raised a man child and now his partner has two kids to look after

Original poster
HippPippy · 05/08/2022 22:28

Namenic · 05/08/2022 21:33

If he is in a safety critical job, then I would offer allow a couple of nights - but would also offer the same to gf (eg on weekend). I would also offer childcare if needed. being responsible for baby is also a safety critical job - and I have at times been too tired or taken my eye off the ball (though i have been so lucky that things have been ok).

Essentially they should be getting advice about how best to manage it (he should discuss with occupational health; they should look into baby sleep consultants, using annual or sick/unpaid leave to bridge this sleep issue).

I hope the gf can see the gp and health visitor - could PND be playing a role?

This is a helpful suggestion thank you, yes I think she is struggling, possibly with PND, I’ll speak to my son and see if we can get her some additional support.

OP posts:
TitoMojito · 05/08/2022 22:29

No, he should be helping with his child.

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 05/08/2022 22:32

HippPippy · 05/08/2022 22:28

This is a helpful suggestion thank you, yes I think she is struggling, possibly with PND, I’ll speak to my son and see if we can get her some additional support.

Show quote history

Additional support if she has PND is absolutely vital

But some actual support from your son, also vital, the fact that you are considering facilitating him leaving her with the baby for 5 days a week when you think she might have PND just makes this whole thread worse and worse

Coyoacan · 05/08/2022 22:36

OP, I've been following this and I think you are at serious risk of losing contact with your grandchild with your attitude towards his mother.

I know mothers love their sons, but you are not doing your son any favours by encouraging him to run away from his responsabilities

Icedbannoffee · 05/08/2022 22:36

He's joking, right?

SemperIdem · 05/08/2022 22:41

How old is the baby?

I don’t think allowing him to sleep at yours is going to do anything other than allow a failing relationship to limp on for that little bit longer.