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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult son wants to move back mon - fri to ‘get a night’s sleep’

762 replies

HippPippy · 05/08/2022 13:58

DS 27 and his gf recently had a baby. As you’d expect they are being woken up during the night. DS has asked if he can move back in mon - fri so he can get a proper night’s sleep so he can concentrate on going to work and do his job effectively.

DH thinks the idea is outrageous and he should just ‘get on with it’ , I feel a bit confused as to why he is even asking. Surely other new parents don’t do this? I get sleep deprivation is hard, but I am not overly enamoured with this idea. But I don’t want to be unsupportive either - how would you respond?

OP posts:
Livpool · 05/08/2022 18:51

Goldbar · 05/08/2022 16:04

She may decide that being an actual lone parent is preferable to have a baby and an adult child.

Exactly. If he values his relationship, this is the time to step up.

Women don't forgive and forget their partners being unsupportive in the early baby days when they're vulnerable and exhausted. Often the relationship just limps on for another year or so until the woman is in a stronger position to go it alone.

Exactly!

No way I would support my son in this. He needs to get on with it - like every other parent!

mycatisannoying · 05/08/2022 18:51

100% NO.

mam0918 · 05/08/2022 18:55

CallOnMe · 05/08/2022 18:22

You need to ask your son how he plans for his partner to get any rest while he is busy playing part-time parent.

If she is a SAHP then she doesn’t need as much rest as someone who works FT.

She can also nap when the baby does during the day or if he looks after the baby in the evening, she can go to bed earlier.

Being a SAHP is difficult but it is a privilege and I’m sure she feels lucky that she is able to stay home with her child.

Unless they both work FT there will always be one doing more childcare than the other.

oh what utter bollocks you spout.

MrsTimRiggins · 05/08/2022 18:58

HailAdrian · 05/08/2022 17:39

OP clearly doesn't think DIL is good enough for her precious little boy who is supposedly doing 'more than his fair share.' 😅

Mhmm. The issue I have with his claim (or yours op? Not sure who called it ‘more than his fair share’) that he does EVERYTHING when he’s home is this, how can that be true but it also be the case that his workshy, grumpy cow of a girlfriend doesn’t care if he fucks off for 5 nights in 7 🤔 hard to believe really given you’re certainly leading us to believe she doesn’t wish to pull her weight 🤔

SherbertLemonDrop · 05/08/2022 18:58

JMKid · 05/08/2022 17:42

I would be speaking to his girlfriend. My ex said he did everything around the house and looked after our son. He did fuck all.

100% this

DonnyBurrito · 05/08/2022 18:58

Lmao at the 'good compromise'. Basically "I won't have my child sleep in my house, but I'll have yours!"
So weird when people suggest separating a newborn from the mother.

Surely if he's got a good job working in aviation they are living in more than a studio flat. Tell him to sleep in one of the other unoccupied rooms in his own house.

Needwine999 · 05/08/2022 18:58

Wow welcome to the real world!! thats life id say no..........

PinkSyCo · 05/08/2022 19:04

I would be deeply ashamed of my son if I were you. He helped make the baby so he needs to grow up and suck it up, not abandon his girlfriend when she needs him the most.

surreygirl1987 · 05/08/2022 19:05

Yeah I agree - he should be sharing the work load, but his argument is when he gets back from work he does ‘everything’ for the baby- feeding, bathing, cleaning all the bottles, laundry, cooking etc. it’s difficult because he’s really struggling and does seem to be doing more than his fair share when he can

surreygirl1987 · 05/08/2022 19:09

Yeah I agree - he should be sharing the work load, but his argument is when he gets back from work he does ‘everything’ for the baby- feeding, bathing, cleaning all the bottles, laundry, cooking etc. it’s difficult because he’s really struggling and does seem to be doing more than his fair share when he can

Sorry, posted too soon.

Yep that's brutal. I do feel for men only having 2 weeks paternity leave. My husband actually wasn't entitled to any so he only got 1 day after the birth. It was awful and he was shattered - he almost fell asleep driving to work, and he did fall asleep in the work toilets on one occasion. I found it really hard during the day so would expect him to help from thr moment he walked through the door. It is rough for both parents. I'm not excusing him wanting to move out 5 days a week - that's ridiculous - but I do feel like people are being harsh. It sounds like this couple need help. I'd have killed for a bit of help in the early days. OP, is there anything you can do - pop in a few times a week on weekdays after your son has returned from work, so they can both have a nap, for instance? Not read the whole thread so apologies if missed something!

IrisVersicolor · 05/08/2022 19:12

EgonSpengler2020 · 05/08/2022 17:39

If he works in Aviation, either flying or air traffic control, I think your son is being very sensible and making a good plan that ensures public safety and his long term employment. Presumably if OP doesn't take him in then he will have to find alternative quiet accomodation at cost.

I'm a paramedic and have been driven around on blue lights by a severely sleep deprived colleague whose wife was on maternity leave, and it pissed me off, my safety and the safety of the public was more important than someone on maternity leave getting some more sleep, and I stand by this now that I have my own kid and have done the sleepless nights myself..

So all the doctors, nurses, pilots, emergency workers need to move out when they have a baby for public safety? What about the women? What do they do?

I’ve never heard anything so ridiculous in my life.

surreygirl1987 · 05/08/2022 19:13

Why are they both finding it so hard?

Because it IS hard! I found the first 6 months after having my firstborn son the toughest of my life!

OP, I think that's a lovely offer and a wonderful compromise. Sleep deprivation is horrific. I don't know why people are being so unkind on here.

GG1986 · 05/08/2022 19:16

Wow sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do! Personally i would say no and talk to him about being a good dad and a partner, if sleeping is that much of an issue then maybe he could sleep downstairs if it's a particularly bad night with the baby. What is his job?

Nothappyatwork · 05/08/2022 19:16

HippPippy · 05/08/2022 17:32

She doesn’t work, has no interest in working

Show quote history

she won’t have any interest in working will she when she’s just had a baby ff sake

Algbu6 · 05/08/2022 19:16

How old is the baby? Could you have the baby one night a week? Perhaps alternative with the other grandparents?

I was shocked to read your post. 5 days is a lot I thought he was going to suggest 1 night.

Plenty of nurses juggle with their kids.

Could they afford a cleaner so perhaps your DS is doing less? I've never heard anything like this.

surreygirl1987 · 05/08/2022 19:18

So all the doctors, nurses, pilots, emergency workers need to move out when they have a baby for public safety? What about the women? What do they do?
I’ve never heard anything so ridiculous in my life.

Do the women go back to work immediately after having a baby??

I actually found your outrage to this comment the ridiculous thing. I think it is utterly irresponsible for someone to attend work, in a role that involves public safety, in a seriously sleep deprived state. In many jobs this is dangerous. Just driving a car when seriously sleep deprived is dangerous. My husband kept nodding off at the wheel on his commute to and from work after having our first baby. He shouldn't have been driving. People die because of this. The important thing is that this young man is recognising an issue and trying to find a solution. Paternity leave really does need to be longer.

NumberTheory · 05/08/2022 19:19

I see why you’re conflicted. It does seem outrageous for him to seemingly abandon the mother to sleep deprivation. But if he’s pulling his weight around the home when he’s there, maybe it’s more a matter of compartmentalizing and specializing.

I think what this illustrates is how unsuited modern life is to the newborn stage. With extended families the extra hands can help make lighter work of this, sharing out some of the pain so that it’s easier for everyone to get through. But that’s not what we have.

I think you should have some concerns about 5 nights a week leading to a rift in their relationship that just grows and you end up with him staying more and more.

I would propose a conversation with all of you to talk about what’s happening and what you can offer. That may be 1 or more nights at your house, or help setting up a spare room, some babysitting time so the two of them can reconnect together, a friendly ear, etc. And I would put an end date or a peter out clause so that it isn’t indefinite (at least on any offer for him to sleep at yours). The point would be to make sure you are actually providing help towards a stable family life and not just an escape route for him.

A sympathetic but worldly talk from his dad about how hard this period is might also help (assuming his dad was actually useful when DS was a baby).

namechangetheworld · 05/08/2022 19:21

I don't think he should move back in, but given his job role should probably find somewhere else in the house to sleep, so he's still around if she needs his help. Is there room for that in her sister's house though?

And I agree that people are being overly harsh. Someone who has a full time, high pressure job (which they potentially drive to and from) needs more sleep than a SAHM. Much of being a SAHM to a newborn is zonking out on the sofa while a baby feeds or sleeps on you. Hardly high pressure stuff, no matter what some of the "keeping a baby alive" brigade like to claim.

Runmybathforme · 05/08/2022 19:22

HippPippy · 05/08/2022 14:04

Yeah I agree - he should be sharing the work load, but his argument is when he gets back from work he does ‘everything’ for the baby- feeding, bathing, cleaning all the bottles, laundry, cooking etc. it’s difficult because he’s really struggling and does seem to be doing more than his fair share when he can

Seriously ? So glad you aren't my MIL. On no account get involved with this madness, you will alienate your DIL forever and enable an entitled, selfish man/child.

achillestoes · 05/08/2022 19:23

Would have ended up divorced if my husband had moved out 5 days a week and left me with a newborn.

Stripedbag101 · 05/08/2022 19:24

So here we have your son and his girlfriend living with the girlfriends sister and the son wants to move back in with you?

I think he and his girlfriend need to decide if they are a family and stand on their own two feet.

you sound like the stereotypical blinker mother. I doubt your son is as wonderful or as important as you think. I also doubt his girlfriend is as awful as you think!

Harrysmummy246 · 05/08/2022 19:24

HippPippy · 05/08/2022 14:04

Yeah I agree - he should be sharing the work load, but his argument is when he gets back from work he does ‘everything’ for the baby- feeding, bathing, cleaning all the bottles, laundry, cooking etc. it’s difficult because he’s really struggling and does seem to be doing more than his fair share when he can

Yep, this is what dads do......................

Motherofalittledragon · 05/08/2022 19:25

Who's supporting the gf? Poor woman, if my dp left to go to mummy's 5 nights a week for sleep I wouldn't be wanting him back, regardless of his job!

TowerRavenSeven · 05/08/2022 19:26

I’d say no way!

stress22 · 05/08/2022 19:28

Motherofalittledragon · 05/08/2022 19:25

Who's supporting the gf? Poor woman, if my dp left to go to mummy's 5 nights a week for sleep I wouldn't be wanting him back, regardless of his job!

This! My DP could fucking stay there for good if he'd done that to me! OP your son is entirely selfish and I feel sorry for the baby's mother.

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