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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult son wants to move back mon - fri to ‘get a night’s sleep’

762 replies

HippPippy · 05/08/2022 13:58

DS 27 and his gf recently had a baby. As you’d expect they are being woken up during the night. DS has asked if he can move back in mon - fri so he can get a proper night’s sleep so he can concentrate on going to work and do his job effectively.

DH thinks the idea is outrageous and he should just ‘get on with it’ , I feel a bit confused as to why he is even asking. Surely other new parents don’t do this? I get sleep deprivation is hard, but I am not overly enamoured with this idea. But I don’t want to be unsupportive either - how would you respond?

OP posts:
awwbiscuits · 05/08/2022 18:02

amatsip · 05/08/2022 17:36

By the tone of your posts you don’t seem to like the baby’s mum much.

This I'm afraid. I'd scowl a lot if I'd had a baby and the dad wanted to fuck off all week. What do other people do? Get on with it. That's what.

AussiUnHomme · 05/08/2022 18:05

Ah, you're one of 'those' mothers in law.

The poor GF, having to cope with her perfect BF and his protective mummy.

Emotionalsupportviper · 05/08/2022 18:07

OopsAnotherOne · 05/08/2022 14:01

You need to ask your son how he plans for his partner to get any rest while he is busy playing part-time parent.

This - in spades.

He's being very selfish. The baby will settle - and if s/he doesn't his gf will be in even more need of his support.

You've done your parenting - his turn now.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 05/08/2022 18:08

i would have loved to do that but my parents had died.

theleafandnotthetree · 05/08/2022 18:15

I slept in with both of mine when they were babies so my husband mostly had pretty uninterrupted sleep during the working week. I was breastfeeding anyway so saw little point in both of us being tired. At weekends we mixed it up a bit, he would do the night feed or early morning feed with expressed milk or formula so I got a stretch of sleep. I would have been very unhappy at the idea of him not being around at all though, even if I never looked to him to take over - and I don't know that I ever did - knowing the other parent was there was really important. And just to have someone to make you a cuppa in the morning and ask how the night went....to be honest this relationship sounds like it's hanging on by a thread. This proposed arrangement would probably sever it entirely...perhaps this is what one or other or both of them actually want?

Frazzled2207 · 05/08/2022 18:16

totally ridiculous. abandoning your wife entirely the nights she's at home with the baby would be awful.
Not unreasonable him to go and sleep elsewhere in (his own) house though. This is what we did for months. And then DH did the night shifts at weekends.

goldfinchonthelawn · 05/08/2022 18:17

Say no! If he finds it hard, where's his sympathy for his girlfriend, coping alone all week long with sleep deprivation and a newborn. It's hard and it doesn;t last. If he is struggling, I;d offer to let them all come over one night a week and if the baby is bottle fed, you do the night feeds so they get unbroken nights. Or let him come one night a week during the working week, and she comes one night a week while he manages the night feeds alone, so they each get some sleep. Or go and prep food for them, do cleaning, hsopping, laundry etc to help out if they are too tired at weekends ot keep on top of it.

But I'd give him a massive lecture in thinking it's OK to leave his girlfriend handling stuff he can;t cope with himself. He's not the only one with a job - she has to keep a tiny baby alive all day long.

Bloody men and their selfish instinct to slip responsibility when times get tough and make out they have it hardest becuse they need to "work". It makes me hate them sometimes.

CallOnMe · 05/08/2022 18:17

If they have both decided this is a good idea but they don’t have a spare room and you do then I’d be ok with it but maybe have a deadline in place so he doesn’t outstay his welcome.

It sounds like as she is a SAHP she does the night shift and day shift. And then he does the evening shift after work.

My friend does this as he works FT and his wife is a SAHP and it seems to work well for them.

Sweatinglikeabitch · 05/08/2022 18:22

HippPippy · 05/08/2022 17:30

I’m really starting to wonder this myself. The baby was completely unplanned. She got pregnant as soon as they met. He was over the moon, but I’m not sure she was. He seems a lot more excited generally. She just scowls a lot - I know it’s hard but she doesn’t say much.

Show quote history

So a new mum is struggling and seems miserable and her partner and father of her baby is more concerned with his own sleep? I think you may have rose tinted spectacles on when it comes to your son tbh.

CallOnMe · 05/08/2022 18:22

You need to ask your son how he plans for his partner to get any rest while he is busy playing part-time parent.

If she is a SAHP then she doesn’t need as much rest as someone who works FT.

She can also nap when the baby does during the day or if he looks after the baby in the evening, she can go to bed earlier.

Being a SAHP is difficult but it is a privilege and I’m sure she feels lucky that she is able to stay home with her child.

Unless they both work FT there will always be one doing more childcare than the other.

Hawkins001 · 05/08/2022 18:24

HippPippy · 05/08/2022 14:06

Yes it is critical he is alert and can concentrate- other peoples safety is at stake

Show quote history

In this case, I can understand his perspectives.

Hawkins001 · 05/08/2022 18:25

Sweatinglikeabitch · 05/08/2022 18:22

So a new mum is struggling and seems miserable and her partner and father of her baby is more concerned with his own sleep? I think you may have rose tinted spectacles on when it comes to your son tbh.

Show quote history

He's concerned about his sleep, as he is responsible for the well-being and safety of other lives.

theleafandnotthetree · 05/08/2022 18:26

goldfinchonthelawn · 05/08/2022 18:17

Say no! If he finds it hard, where's his sympathy for his girlfriend, coping alone all week long with sleep deprivation and a newborn. It's hard and it doesn;t last. If he is struggling, I;d offer to let them all come over one night a week and if the baby is bottle fed, you do the night feeds so they get unbroken nights. Or let him come one night a week during the working week, and she comes one night a week while he manages the night feeds alone, so they each get some sleep. Or go and prep food for them, do cleaning, hsopping, laundry etc to help out if they are too tired at weekends ot keep on top of it.

But I'd give him a massive lecture in thinking it's OK to leave his girlfriend handling stuff he can;t cope with himself. He's not the only one with a job - she has to keep a tiny baby alive all day long.

Bloody men and their selfish instinct to slip responsibility when times get tough and make out they have it hardest becuse they need to "work". It makes me hate them sometimes.

'She has to keep a tiny baby alive all day'....seriously? A little bit hyperbolic don't you think. It's not as if she is living in a warzone or fighting off marauding animals or worrying where her next meal is coming from FFS.

JocelynBurnell · 05/08/2022 18:29

ittakes2 · 05/08/2022 17:54

I think maybe you should have said people’s safety is at stake in his job in the op!

I agree. It seems unusual to only say this afterwards.

HailAdrian · 05/08/2022 18:31

AussiUnHomme · 05/08/2022 18:05

Ah, you're one of 'those' mothers in law.

The poor GF, having to cope with her perfect BF and his protective mummy.

Yup. Imagine how off putting it must be for her that her baby's dad runs off to his mum when things get difficult. No wonder she's not fucking bothered if he goes.

5zeds · 05/08/2022 18:31

Utterly ridiculous. She has a baby, surely that counts as “working” 😮. Why would she want a paid job when she has small baby?🤷🏻‍♀️

maybe consider that if she leaves him the baby will be his response 50% of the time not just for a couple of hours in the evening.

PrinceYakimov · 05/08/2022 18:33

I would suggest practical ways for him to get sleep at home (sleep on sofabed/in spare room with earplugs) and how to split care of the baby between them but I would not entertain the idea of him sleeping at yours.

What does he think will happen if they have another child? That he gets to move out every time they have a baby?

bakewellbride · 05/08/2022 18:34

A ridiculous idea & your dh is right.

abblie · 05/08/2022 18:37

Omg I actually had to read this a few the absolute cheek of him 🤣 your husband is right

Snowpaw · 05/08/2022 18:38

If you're on your knees with sleep deprivation the answer is go to bed at 7pm when the baby does for a couple of nights to catch up. Its hard, and it means you get no down-time, but its life. Or you sleep in "shifts" so that you're both getting a decent chunk. Or one of you MAYBE goes and stays one night elsewhere as a one off to catch up, not Mon - Fri forever and ever!

My cousin's wife told me that she has always slept in a different room with the babies because my cousin is "awful if he's had no sleep" - aren't we all?! I felt really sorry for her.

Goingforarun · 05/08/2022 18:39

Maybe invite the whole family to stay at yours if you’ve got more space than her sister.

fizzywat · 05/08/2022 18:42

Poor little lamb. Is he a mature adult?

The fact that OP his mother, has to ask opinions on his proposal is hilarious. I vote joke. Or longer apron strings, or dislike of GF, ah what the heck it's funny. 😂

PlinkPlonkFizz · 05/08/2022 18:46

Your DH is 100% right. This seems immature and selfish and I think he needs a lecture on stepping up as a new parent. That's not to say it wouldn't be lovely to let him and GF stay very occasionally to catch up on sleep.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 05/08/2022 18:47

CallOnMe · 05/08/2022 18:22

You need to ask your son how he plans for his partner to get any rest while he is busy playing part-time parent.

If she is a SAHP then she doesn’t need as much rest as someone who works FT.

She can also nap when the baby does during the day or if he looks after the baby in the evening, she can go to bed earlier.

Being a SAHP is difficult but it is a privilege and I’m sure she feels lucky that she is able to stay home with her child.

Unless they both work FT there will always be one doing more childcare than the other.

I don't agree with this. I took a years maternity leave after a difficult pregnancy. I was absolutely trauma ridden, and I was permanently burnt out.

I did need just as much sleep as my working partner because looking after a child needs cognitive acuity, and to have cognitive acuity, you need healthy neurotransmitters which you can not produce when you're heavily sleep deprived or viewed as less than important.

I'm also not someone who can nap at the drop of a hat. Not every body can. I go beyond tired to the point of insomnia and no doctor would help me with medication in case I slept through my baby needing me.

I couldn't "sleep when baby sleeps". He barely slept any way!

If I'd have continued to work as well, I wouldn't have had more support from my partner.

Yes, someone will always be doing more childcare than someone else, but having your basic needs met shouldn't be divvied up by who leaves the house to do paid work and who stays home to do unpaid work.

And if your partner will not support you to the best of their abilities to have your needs met, or you're that partner, well, it's not a partnership.

That's what's happening here with OPs son and gf, but OP thinks the gf is a moody little madam with a scowl on her face for no good reason but can't seem to put 2 and 2 together than she's being wholly judgemental.

mam0918 · 05/08/2022 18:50

Why on earth does he think its some elses job (his wife by the sounds of it) to single handled raise his child?

You should absoloutely let him know how 'outrageous' it is otherwise he will never grow up and will always act like a child that runs to mummy and daddy.

When he gets in from work he is SUPPOSE to do those thing, his wife has done them all day while he has been at work which lets face it is a break from the unrelentlenting monotony of having a baby 24/7.

He gets to interact with other adults, use the bathroom, eat lunch and function like a normal human being during his work hours. Where as his wants it so his wife never has any time to do those things.