Adult son wants to move back mon - fri to ‘get a night’s sleep’

[HippPippy]

DS 27 and his gf recently had a baby. As you’d expect they are being woken up during the night. DS has asked if he can move back in mon - fri so he can get a proper night’s sleep so he can concentrate on going to work and do his job effectively.

DH thinks the idea is outrageous and he should just ‘get on with it’ , I feel a bit confused as to why he is even asking. Surely other new parents don’t do this? I get sleep deprivation is hard, but I am not overly enamoured with this idea. But I don’t want to be unsupportive either - how would you respond?

This it’s glaringly obvious. Yes he may be struggling and yes it is hard but that’s what happens when you don’t wrap it. Now he’s with a girl who you clearly don’t like and tied to her for life.

Given people's safety depends on his alertness at work I think there could be a compromise. He could manage a few nights per week by sleeping in separate rooms and doing 'shifts' with his gf so that each person gets 4 - 5 core hours uninterrupted sleep. He could then stay with you a couple of nights per week to catch up, provided his gf is genuinely happy with it (I'd suggest speaking to her directly to check).

‘Someone who has a full time, high pressure job (which they potentially drive to and from) needs more sleep than a SAHM. Much of being a SAHM to a newborn is zonking out on the sofa while a baby feeds or sleeps on you.’

Really not the case here.

My feeling is that your son always had you there to Molly coddle him. You were there to do everything and make his life easier.
He got his gf pregnant. He may have had no idea of the reality of a new born baby or had much experience with babies up to now.
Having a baby is hard work and it takes time to adjust and to get use to the reality. So you work out between you when one person can sleep for a few hours when the other minds the baby.
You just don't run back to mammy asking can you sleep in your childhood bed for 5 nights a week.
I was surprised that your husband did not tell your son to go home and grow up.

My feeling is as well that you don't like your son's girlfriend but she is the mother of his child.
Why don't you call over some day to see her and ask her how she is? See if you can help her out or even bring the baby for a walk when she has a shower.

Call over in the evening just to see if your son it doing all he says because my feeling is that he is doing the bare minimum.

He is a grown man with a baby so it's time for him to grow up and pull his weight with his gf and baby.

And if he truly in a job were he is response for multiple lives (train driver, pilot, air traffic controller, surgeon) then he should be able to afford rent for a home for his family, rather than staying with his girlfriends sister!

he can also afford noise cancelling headphones for one or two nights a week if he is really struggling.

I’m going to be honest and go against the grain here.

If it was me, I would let him stay. It wouldn’t be up to me to dictate how my Son handles this situation.

If he is struggling, then I would help.

He will still be doing all the things he normally does in the evenings.

If you force him to stay in this situation, then he could make a mistake at work.

If his GF is doing the days, he’s taking over in the evenings, then sleeping at yours once everything is done. Where’s the issue?

She scowls and doesn't say much? Really? Have you tried making conversation with her in the normal manner?

She doesn’t work, has no interest in working

Well, like it or not, thats the type of woman your son is attracted to and the type of woman he sleeps with without using protection. If he really got her pregnant "as soon as they met", you better procure an STD test for him because its quite likely he is doing it with other women as well, and if you indulge him by housing him when he runs away from his baby son, then you might have future babies and scowling girlfriends to deal with.

Presumably your parenting covered using protection and getting STD tests before sleeping with new partners, along with not getting women your son barely knows pregnant?

Haven’t read the full thread but could you offer to have the baby one night a week/fortnight so they can both get an undisturbed nights sleep? This stage wasn’t too long ago for us and it went on for over a year. It was awful and we look like absolute shells of our former selves.

If their house is big enough that they can go somewhere quiet and get adequate sleep to be able to do their job safely then they don't need to move out, if not then parents house, caravan outside, b&b is the next best option. They are paid to do a job and do it safely. If you spend a little time googling I'm sure you'll find examples of members of those professions you've listed who have fucked up, someone has died and they've ended up in prison.

My DH slept in a different room the night before his long commutes (and spent two night per week away for work) because people do fall asleep and crash their cars and if that had happened my DD would not have had a father to worry about whether he did the correct share of her care or not.

You don’t seem to like your grandchild’s mum very much. Not believing for a minute that he’s as hands on and supportive as you would like to believe. Maybe she “scowls” a lot because she’s had a baby with a pathetic boy who wants to run back to mummy because he’s tired?

How so? I've read through the whole thread and I didn't see anything about the baby having extra needs or being paticularly demanding

I'm sympathetic to them for finding it hard, we found our first very difficult, and that was in a stable committed marriage with our own house. It sounds like their circumstances are more difficult.

However, he needs to decide what kind of partner and father he wants to be. Moving out five nights a week and leaving his child's mother to do all the groundwork is deadbeat dad territory.

Again, it sounds like your husband would be well placed to talk to him.

This! Excellent point

You keep bleating on about your son having a super important job, people will literally die if he’s tired etc etc, yet you don’t actually say what he does and he can’t afford his own property.

‘Aviation’ is not a job description.
Being a cleaner at an airport is nothing to be embarrassed about-but it would certainly explain why, as a grown adult he can’t afford his own place to live.

You’re creepily protective of him, you clearly hate his girlfriend and you’ve babied him so much that he doesn’t understand how condoms work and runs on home to mummy when he has to act like a grown up.

I really don’t know what you were expecting putting this post in here, when the vast majority of us are women, mums and many of us have had or have, a mother in law like you. One where their angel son can do no wrong and the horrid, evil, workshy, good for nothing vindictive girlfriend tricked him into be becoming a daddy and trapped the poor , innocent soul for the rest of his hardworking, put upon life.

Take the rose tinted specs off. Your son is behaving like an utter shit. He got a girl pregnant and now wants to run on home to his enabling mummy

@Peashoots well, quite. If the father of my baby was always moaning and trying to hide at mummy’s house. I wouldn’t be in the best mood either

No, he needs to grow up and start acting like the parent he is. Poor girl - she has 2 babies

OP, the more you add to this thread, the more it sounds like you need to sit and have a really long chat with your son about his current mental state and what he wants for the future for himself, gf and baby.
Leaving gf alone with baby 5 nights a week isn’t going to solve anything and it sounds like they’ve got bigger issues as a couple/family/individuals than sleep depravation. I’ve no doubt that being the sole provider for his family with no prospect of a second income really is mentally tough but it sounds like maybe this wasn’t really thought through given the pregnancy happened very early on in their relationship. Doesn’t sound like they have a stable home for themselves and baby either if staying with sister?
They both need to figure this out. You can help practically and emotionally, IF they both want you to, but I think that’s what he needs more than an easy ride by walking away from daily dad life.

I'd be mortified in your position and tell him to man the fuck up. Shameful.

I'm with your DH - absolutely outrageous. Perhaps there may be an exception for certain jobs (I'm thinking surgeon, pilot etc) but I'm guessing that's not the case here as you'd have mentioned it already/him and GF would've already made provisions for that.

I expect that he will be moving back in with your permanently soon if this is his attitude.

God OP you sound exactly like my MIL. Her sons are heroes who can do no wrong, their wives can do no right 🙄

Ah, I've just seen the updates that his job does require him to be awake and alert. More understandable then but would've thought they'd have planned for that already.

Absolutely ridiculous

How weird. Has he forgot he needs to do night duties too? Unless the baby will be joining you all?

So he spends around three hours a day with his baby?

isn’t there if the baby becomes unwell at night - that’s down to the mother and her sister?

the man rinds home and leaves the parenting to the two women?

at what stage can he go back? When the baby is sleeping right through the night? This can take a couple of years for some? Will he move out every time the child is unwell and there is a danger of his sleep being disrupted?

Has there been any indication up to now that you were raising a son who was such a selfish, self absorbed knob, the kind of 'man' women come to the Relationships board to complain about?

I think his big important job has gone to his head, and he can't deal with having to take second place to his baby or put his girlfriend's needs before his need for admiration. This request of his is nothing more than a ridiculous play for attention - 'What about meeee! I'm important! My girlfriend won't appreciate my greatness like she used to!'

I agree with those saying you should be embarrassed this immature young man is your son.

He needs to grow up fast and get with the programme. His role now is to support the mother of his child. He doesn't get a medal for preparing bottles or doing housework or bathing the baby as soon as he gets in from work. He needs to stop whining and get on with it

Your DH is right. Do not let your son get away with this disgraceful attempt to shirk his responsibility. Let his dad give him the kick in the bum he so clearly needs