Adult son wants to move back mon - fri to ‘get a night’s sleep’

[HippPippy]

DS 27 and his gf recently had a baby. As you’d expect they are being woken up during the night. DS has asked if he can move back in mon - fri so he can get a proper night’s sleep so he can concentrate on going to work and do his job effectively.

DH thinks the idea is outrageous and he should just ‘get on with it’ , I feel a bit confused as to why he is even asking. Surely other new parents don’t do this? I get sleep deprivation is hard, but I am not overly enamoured with this idea. But I don’t want to be unsupportive either - how would you respond?

@HippPippy

are you worried about his girlfriend at all, how she’s coping with the stress and sleep deprivation??

or is it just your son who’s worthy of concern ?

or is it that women should put up and shut up whilst the men get pandered go with their big important jobs??

Genuinely laughed out loud at the “im very concerned he’s not coping with the stress” comment. Lol!!

Your helicopter style of parenting is exactly why he can’t cope with the realities of adulthood. He clearly does NOT have a job that makes him responsible for other peoples safety in that case.

People are not being unkind, they’re giving you a much needed reality check.

Perhaps instead of your son having a baby (which he is in no way mature enough to be doing) you should have been teaching him about contraception and how much your life changed when you bring a baby into the world.
Being a parent isn’t a part time role.

I’m really starting to wonder this myself. The baby was completely unplanned. She got pregnant as soon as they met. He was over the moon, but I’m not sure she was. He seems a lot more excited generally. She just scowls a lot - I know it’s hard but she doesn’t say much.

He works in aviation

Do you know if she had any birth injuries, did she have a c section? Any difficulties with feeding? Are they staying at the sister's house specifically so she can help with the baby?

She doesn’t work, has no interest in working

Everynight is unreasonable. I think or night mid week so he can catch up on sleep is a good idea if he has a job that requires concentration. Could offer to go round so mum can have a break or catch up on sleep? I wouldn't want my small baby away from me overnight but everyones different.

What a douchebag. So he's happy to to leave his partner Monday to Friday so he can fulfil his selfish need to get a good night's sleep? We'd all love a good night's sleep with a baby, but that's the sacrifice you make when you have a child. And as a partner, you share the load. Not back out when you feel like it.

Pilot or air control?

By the tone of your posts you don’t seem to like the baby’s mum much.

I might say, yes, come and catch up sleep a couple of nights a week. And send gf over for a couple of nights herself. Since the baby is bottle fed, he can take over, I presume.

If he works in Aviation, either flying or air traffic control, I think your son is being very sensible and making a good plan that ensures public safety and his long term employment. Presumably if OP doesn't take him in then he will have to find alternative quiet accomodation at cost.

I'm a paramedic and have been driven around on blue lights by a severely sleep deprived colleague whose wife was on maternity leave, and it pissed me off, my safety and the safety of the public was more important than someone on maternity leave getting some more sleep, and I stand by this now that I have my own kid and have done the sleepless nights myself..

OP clearly doesn't think DIL is good enough for her precious little boy who is supposedly doing 'more than his fair share.' 😅

You can't expect all supportive, kind comments when you ask for opinions on Mumsnet.
So he got his brand new gf, who doesn't want to work, pregnant soon after meeting. Hm...
If she "scowls a lot" as you put it, have you considered that she may be struggling with her postnatal mental health? Moving out of the house for the majority of the week is incredibly selfish and would risk making mum's mental health worse (if this is an issue currently).

I would be speaking to his girlfriend. My ex said he did everything around the house and looked after our son. He did fuck all.

I’d laugh in my son’s face and tell him that me and his dad had to work for 18 months until he slept through the night! That’s life and let’s face it most men get away lightly.

My DH also worked in aviation for the military as an engineer when we had our first baby; if he didn't get a decent sleep and made a mistake in his work, people could have died. He stayed at home, woke to help with the 1am feed then went in the spare room for the rest of the night so he could get a good chunk of sleep. He certainly did not go crying to mummy that he was tired. Instead we reached a good compromise that we were both happy with. Parenting is 24/7, not just the good bits.

Working when you have had no sleep is stressful. But no I don't think you should let your son stay overnight at your house.

are you saying that you are offering the mother and baby a bed for the night? Surely it doesn’t make a difference if they are at yours or he is at yours. The point is they are not parenting together and they need to learn how to do it. I also would be embarrassed if a child of mine grew up to be like this. I think you should have a word with him about how his girlfriend and baby need his support right now and not him running back to mummy. My husband did the washing etc when he got back from work at the newborn stage. It took an hour max so I could have a bit of a break. He also helped settle in the night. We both shared the load when we went back to work. My husband also took paternity so feel like we are very equal parents. Hopefully our children grow up not to think babies are all ‘mummy’ work like your son seems to.

Staggered that helping when he gets home - even doing all of it when he gets home until the babies bedtime is considered more than his fair share. If the GF is doing all through the night and all through the day when is she supposed to have a break, sleep shower?

I do think it’s fair that the GF does the getting up in the night if he is working, but his support when he gets in from work and she has been doing all the baby work all day is standard.

He's got a bloody cheek. Tell him to be a father to the child he helped to create.

If my DH had done this when our DC was born I’d have told him he’d be moving in with his mother full time. Not a chance I would be standing for that. On the nights where baby was especially fussy or hard to settle, DH would relocate to the spare room as he had to be up at 6 for work, but to move in somewhere else midweek is ridiculous and quite self centred imo. I take he knew what having a baby would entail before they arrived?

I think maybe you should have said people’s safety is at stake in his job in the op!

I wouldn't allow my son to move back - I'll tell him to face up to his responsibilities and support his girlfriend/wife. I agree with your DH.

How unkind people are being. Why cant both of them take turns to have a night off at yours?