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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult son wants to move back mon - fri to ‘get a night’s sleep’

762 replies

HippPippy · 05/08/2022 13:58

DS 27 and his gf recently had a baby. As you’d expect they are being woken up during the night. DS has asked if he can move back in mon - fri so he can get a proper night’s sleep so he can concentrate on going to work and do his job effectively.

DH thinks the idea is outrageous and he should just ‘get on with it’ , I feel a bit confused as to why he is even asking. Surely other new parents don’t do this? I get sleep deprivation is hard, but I am not overly enamoured with this idea. But I don’t want to be unsupportive either - how would you respond?

OP posts:
OopsAnotherOne · 05/08/2022 16:49

Why did he get a girl pregnant if he wasn't prepared to handle any of the responsibility that comes with being a parent? Baring in mind that she is the one who has had to deal with the pregnancy and changes to her body/mood for 9 months, before having to endure a childbirth. Now she's recovering from that and doing the majority of the baby raising plus night feeds, AND she is having to deal with a partner who clearly can't step up, pull his weight and is whinging that he's tired so wants to sod off to Mummy's house for most of the week.

Teach him how to use protection properly because he's clearly not a good father to the child he has, without bringing others into the mix.

SammyScrounge · 05/08/2022 16:54

His girlfriend is entitled to have some help from your son. Tell him to put on his big boy's pants, then send him packing. No by no

pinkyredrose · 05/08/2022 16:54

I have told him no, he cannot stay here. I have however offered to have the baby overnight as I am very concerned that he’s not coping with the stress and sleep deprivation

Seriously? You're concerned about HIS sleep deprivation? Would his girlfriend really want to be parted from her baby all night?

Getting the feeling you don't like her much.

LIZS · 05/08/2022 16:54

Is there something missing from your post that she needs her sister's support during the day? Many new mims manage without regular daytime support. Is there room at her sister's for him to sleep separately or could he move back to their own home if they have one?

OopsAnotherOne · 05/08/2022 16:55

some really unkind comments here (as usual).

Fair point, but I think the comments are fair too.

He has since said it would only be to sleep- as in come here about 9pm then he’d by up at 5am the next morning for work.

When has he stated that his girlfriend will be able to get 5 nights of uninterrupted sleep per week? Or any nights of sleep for that matter? Or is this just about him?

He’s an excellent Dad - very hands on and extremely supportive of his gf.

Except during the nights.

They are currently staying with her sister who is also very helpful with the baby during the day.

That's great, but it shouldn't be used as reasoning for him stepping down from his responsbility as parent. His girlfriend's sister is not a parent to the child, your son and his girlfriend are.

I have told him no, he cannot stay here. I have however offered to have the baby overnight as I am very concerned that he’s not coping with the stress and sleep deprivation.

I can't see the new mother wanting to hand over her young baby to her PILs overnight just because Dad wants a good nights sleep. Have they not got a sofa he can sleep on so he doesn't have to be disturbed by the mother doing nightfeeds? That way he is still there to help if the mother needs him.

I think that’s a good compromise.

pinkyredrose · 05/08/2022 16:56

OP what job does he do?

5zeds · 05/08/2022 16:57

feeding, bathing, cleaning all the bottles, laundry, cooking etc. it’s bath baby 15 mins, clean bottle 5 mins to put in dishwasher, laundry 5 mins to load machine press go then take it out at the end, cooking and feeding a baby could be another hour of his evening broken up into bits. So he’s putting in an hour and a half including feeding himself, I really don’t think that’s hard work. He sounds work shy.

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 05/08/2022 16:58

HippPippy · 05/08/2022 16:48

some really unkind comments here (as usual). He has since said it would only be to sleep- as in come here about 9pm then he’d by up at 5am the next morning for work. He’s an excellent Dad - very hands on and extremely supportive of his gf. They are currently staying with her sister who is also very helpful with the baby during the day.

I have told him no, he cannot stay here. I have however offered to have the baby overnight as I am very concerned that he’s not coping with the stress and sleep deprivation.

I think that’s a good compromise.

So its okay for his partners sister to put up with sleep deprivation caused by his child but not for him

So long as the women are around to cope eh

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/08/2022 16:59

HippPippy · 05/08/2022 16:48

some really unkind comments here (as usual). He has since said it would only be to sleep- as in come here about 9pm then he’d by up at 5am the next morning for work. He’s an excellent Dad - very hands on and extremely supportive of his gf. They are currently staying with her sister who is also very helpful with the baby during the day.

I have told him no, he cannot stay here. I have however offered to have the baby overnight as I am very concerned that he’s not coping with the stress and sleep deprivation.

I think that’s a good compromise.

So, you're "very concerned that he’s not coping". How concerned are you about HER?

Whadda · 05/08/2022 17:00

What possessed him to have a baby if he’s so impacted by broken sleep, and has a job that makes tiredness a safety issue?

I really feel for his girlfriend here. He has one foot out the door of their relationship. I hope she’s planning accordingly to be a single mum, and looking after her financial well-being.

OopsAnotherOne · 05/08/2022 17:01

OP, genuine question here: I'm assuming the mum has taken some sort of maternity leave in order to spend all the time with the child? What happens if the maternity leave ends, she goes back to work, and the baby still doesn't settle through the night yet.
Will your son move back in? Will you offer your house equally between your son and his girlfriend? Or will your son still sleep at yours and she will just have to suck up the sleepless nights and working?

Yerroblemom1923 · 05/08/2022 17:01

Let his gf stay over on alternate nights so she can get some sleep and a break from the baby.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 05/08/2022 17:01

And now after 11 pages there’s suddenly a sister that conveniently wasn’t in the op along with Big Important Man Job that was not in the OP and He Does Everything which wasn’t in the op…
What advice are you actually posting for? If any… 🤷‍♀️

WhoAre · 05/08/2022 17:04

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

AchatAVendre · 05/08/2022 17:04

Oh goodness OP, you must be feel so embarrassed to have produced a son who wants to run back to mummy and daddy because he cannot cope with parenting his own child. Poor kid though, and poor girlfriend. And they are currently living with his girlfriend's sister, who is helping too?

It honestly sounds as though he is not committed to his relationship, his girlfriend or his son. I'm sure you are only getting the very sanitised, golden child version of events.

Dontwanttoberudeorwastetime · 05/08/2022 17:06

I think that’s a good compromise.

No it’s not. Most mums won’t want to be apart from their newborns, especially overnight. Would you have had your MIL take your son at so much a young age?
You’re making your son’s girlfriend choose between not having her partner there supporting her or being separated from her newborn.
You are only thinking of your son. Not the baby and not the mum.

Lannielou · 05/08/2022 17:10

I would be telling him to grow up and get on with it

theleafandnotthetree · 05/08/2022 17:10

StillHappy · 05/08/2022 14:07

I think then that they need to have a proper conversation about properly sharing the work load. It seems like he’s doing more than his share, but moving out isn’t really the answer.

Show quote history

Completely agree, there might certainly need to be a negotiation in terms of respective workloads but this plan is an extreme response which solves nothing in terms of their need to work together, compromise, make sure each get a break etc.

EL8888 · 05/08/2022 17:12

Your husband is right and he just needs to get on with it. I think you made the right decision

theleafandnotthetree · 05/08/2022 17:16

To be honest, with your updates, they both sound a bit feeble. All these extended family members running around, providing support, etc. It's one baby, with two adults and you haven't mentioned that it's a particularly difficult or high needs baby. They just have to bloody get on with it, it's fucking tough the first while but you just plough on and try and avoid making big decisions or moves (like staying at yours weekdays) which might cause long term damage to the relationship

tillyandmilly · 05/08/2022 17:18

Yep that’s why my nephew of 26 said he won’t be having kids at least for another 10 years ! He likes his sleep

GreenManalishi · 05/08/2022 17:21

HippPippy · 05/08/2022 14:04

His gf said she doesn’t mind (according to him)

If he does this, no matter how okay she says she is with it, the relationship is dead in the water. You would not be helping.

SpindleTurning · 05/08/2022 17:21

Why are they both finding it so hard?

CheGuevaraandDebussy · 05/08/2022 17:25

2pinkginsplease · 05/08/2022 16:27

I agree with your dh, I’d be telling my adult son that he has to put his big boy pants on and get on with it. Him and his partner need to communicate better about how they can work together to accommodate them both ensuring both get enough sleep.

if your adult daughter came to you and said that her partner was going back to mummy and daddy’s as he was tired I’m sure you’d have something to say about it.

If he didn't want this, he should have taken the big boy pants off in the first place.

WeAreAllLionesses · 05/08/2022 17:28

My mum took one of our DC overnight when we were at our wits end. It gave us (all) time to reset ourselves and catch up on some much needed sleep.

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