Wedding, husband and flower girls

[Harrishoole]

Brother in law is getting married in an hour and a half; never been on mumsnet, don't know what to do. Feel as if I am going to vomit.

Checked into hotel to find sister-in-law with her cousins and bridesmaids and two bloody flower girls.

Our two girls are not invited.

It became very obvious to me and mother-in-law that my children were not going to be invited to the wedding, logically none of our business but it was hurtful and upsetting. I thought my husband would be accepting but he was completely offended. He approached Brother-in-law who spoke to sister-in -law. Kids not invited.

Pandemic took over and when wedding was planned again both MiL and husband spoke again but no kids. BiL admitted this was SiL as he had left all planning to her.

Husband is best man. I don't know if I should ring him and warn him and MiL. I am scared there will be an atmosphere when they walk in.

Generally no kids at weddings are fair enough but seems wrong to exclude the kids of immediate family. I’m guessing you knew it was no kids and didn’t question though? You then have the choice to decline the invite or attend. How did it go in the end?

I’m quite taken aback at how cruel some are being.

YANBU

No kids is your own choice at your wedding but to invite some nieces/nephews and not others is just plain mean and would give me anxiety too .

I would definitely not have made a scene (I don’t think OP was proposing to either ) but quietly left as soon after the meal as is polite .

While you were inappropriately doubled over in cachinnation over offending your bil because he suggested the logical solution of you getting a babysitter, it's definitely best that you kept yourself at home. There's usually good reason for a particular child to be excluded.

Weddings are really boring for kids though. Wouldn't you just rather enjoy your day without them? Mumsnet made me really paranoid when we had our wedding that people would want to bring kids so I asked my friends. They were all 'Hell no I don't want to bring my kids! I want to party!'

I can see why you are a bit miffed as very close relatives, but maybe mention it after if you have to.

It’s very standard for kid free weddings to include a couple of kids in the bridal party.
I have had this happen two siblings weddings overseas where my kids were the only kids left out of the bridal party. Both these weddings male were the family link ie my brother and my husband’s brother - I think a lot of men leave wedding details to their bride to be

I think those of you saying she is being over dramatic are a little harsh. This is her reaction, she is upset to find out that nieces and nephews are an integral part of the wedding when her two weren’t even on the invite list. I’d be gutted and pi**ed off in equal measure in the same position.
It sounds to my like your SIL has just made all the decisions and your BIL perhaps should have had a little more backbone and stuck up for wanting his immediate family there. However your husband (particularly as best man) perhaps should have asked who were part of the wedding party beforehand too and ultimately it’s their choice as a couple who to have at the wedding.

OP, have a drink and take some deep breaths and try to relax and enjoy a day and night without kids. Inform your husband if you want but don’t cause a scene. If he is hurt about this he should probably discuss is with your BIL after the day and honeymoon are over. Your SIL has made it clear where her loyalties lie and that’s her loss only.

He approached Brother-in-law who spoke to sister-in -law. Kids not invited.
Pandemic took over and when wedding was planned again both MiL and husband spoke again but no kids.

Christ, that is really rude.

It's their wedding. If they invite your kids then they either need to be flower girls (your DH is already best man, probably wanted to include other family) or it becomes a non-child-free wedding.

It's really bizarre to think you get a say in how they have their wedding. The best man is supposed to be aking life as easy as possible for them. If it was such a big deal your DH should not have said yes to the role.

This will mar things for everyone.

Only of you let it. Do not let your DH fall out with his brother over something so petty. Tell him to ignore his MiL's ridiculous behaviour.

Brother in law is getting married in an hour and a half; never been on mumsnet, don't know what to do. Feel as if I am going to vomit. Checked into hotel to find sister-in-law with her cousins and bridesmaids and two bloody flower girls.

As an aside, I read the very dramatic opening of the OP and assumed she'd caught the groom shagging his SiL or some teenaged bridesmaid.

When I started reading your OP I thought you were going on to say you caught them all in a compromising position in the hotel room 😀

I understand you feeling upset but no need to let it ruin your day. Just enjoy a family wedding without having to look after your own children (how old are they? I don't think you've said)

Ha ha - just seen the poster advice me thinking the same thing at the same time

This! Most of the countless weddings I've been at are child free as well. So - it's the norm. You seem to be looking to take offence. Their wedding, their way, sjust go and be as happy and helpful as you can to the bride. The whole 'could be an atmosphere' - why don't you do what you can to ensure there isn't one? If your MIL is upset tell her you don't mind, it's fine and make sure she and the happy couple have a good day and stop thinking about yourself.

I mean DD was a baby then, the same age as their own daughter and a month older than the other niece. They clearly had their reasons for excluding her as she was the only one…not sure what they could have been though as she was pretty easy going.
Whatever the reason, I thought it was odd that he’d exclude one child from the entire family and then be offended we didn’t go.
Imo, it’s fine not to invite kids but also find for people not to attend if they do have kids.

No need for all the drama - their wedding their rules

I'm confused, have you arrived at the hotel with your kids to find out that the kids are not invited.
Or did you know this and have left them at home. If so, I really don't see the issue?

Am I the only one quietly jumping for joy when my kids are NOT invited to a wedding? A night out I let loose and have fun with no kids to look after. Bliss.

Well I certainly wasn’t jumping for joy when we were invited to a child free wedding (the only one I’ve ever experienced) because it meant that we had to split, one of us went to the ceremony and meal then went home and took over childcare while the other went to the evening do.

No family to provide childcare and couldn’t afford to pay for a “professional” (and not sure I’d have wanted a stranger looking after them anyway).

I’ve been to loads of weddings in my 50+ years and just that one was “no children”. Our nephew is getting married next Spring, he has no children himself but has made it very clear that children will be very welcome. My DCs are adults now but he still was very keen to make sure I knew he wanted as ALL to be there if we were available.

I’ve grown up with weddings being very much family occasions and children are family.

flower girls/bridesmaids etc are not wedding guests - they're in the wedding party. I woudl only be upset at not having my kids invited if other 'non wedding party' people had their kids invited.

Was there drama OP?

I always think weddings are about cementing relationships as well as celebrating them.

To the MY wedding MY rules brigade, good luck out there....

OP YANBU

To leave a neice and nephew out like this is bang out of order. Your SIL is selfish and your BIL spineless. Avoid as much as possible. They could have compromised (my daughter was a flower girl at a child free wedding and was whisked away after the ceremony) but they chose this path.

Such a foolish thing to do.

As a parent you can decide to go without them, it isn't compulsory to take them if they are invited.

A wedding without your kids? Bliss!

I love it when mine are not invited... gin, cheesy dancing at the reception and no parental responsibilities.

Get a babysitter, get partying and laugh at the other family members dealing with overtired kids on a wedding cake fuelled sugar rush!

Would love to know what happened!

Are your daughters flower girl age? If so, I’d be really irritated that bride’s sister’s girls have been asked to be in the bridal party and not the groom’s nieces. Had my brother or my husband-to-be’s siblings had children when we got married, I would have wanted them there - bridal / groom party or not. I think close family children are different.

I Hope it all went ok in the end.

Sadly I don’t think OP will update. Thread made me realise I’m out of step (showing my age?) most seem to be it’s brides choice/her day. I personally think it’s hurtful to exclude your 2 little nieces but invite 2 other little girls their age. Childfree wedding is a different scenario this one wasn’t child free. Semantics of they are the bridal party don’t cut it for me.

I can absolutely see why your are upset, you have been snubbed. Same thing happened to us, throughout the wedding (when this happened to us) people kept on coming up to us saying how sad it was that our children were not there, the bridesmaids was a bit bored and disappointed not to see her cousins (our children). Every time I was asked I brushed aside the comment saying what I wonderful wedding it was. Has is affected how I view that side of the family? Of course it has, i will be polite but make no other effort.