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Original poster

Wedding, husband and flower girls

337 replies

Harrishoole · 05/08/2022 10:43

Brother in law is getting married in an hour and a half; never been on mumsnet, don't know what to do. Feel as if I am going to vomit.

Checked into hotel to find sister-in-law with her cousins and bridesmaids and two bloody flower girls.

Our two girls are not invited.

It became very obvious to me and mother-in-law that my children were not going to be invited to the wedding, logically none of our business but it was hurtful and upsetting. I thought my husband would be accepting but he was completely offended. He approached Brother-in-law who spoke to sister-in -law. Kids not invited.

Pandemic took over and when wedding was planned again both MiL and husband spoke again but no kids. BiL admitted this was SiL as he had left all planning to her.

Husband is best man. I don't know if I should ring him and warn him and MiL. I am scared there will be an atmosphere when they walk in.

OP posts:
Alfenstein · 05/08/2022 11:02

This reply has been deleted

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yonce · 05/08/2022 11:02

" I don't think SiL will care she definitely has her own life. She was just very breezy."

I might get flamed - why should she care? Why is it going to marr the day for everyone? Some kids are invited, some aren't. Looks like the ones that got an invite are actually in the wedding party, which is hardly unusual. Of course she has her own life, she's a person?

There's a groom somewhere in this who was also involved in the decision, and if they've both made that decision for the wedding they would like, then the rest of the family just need to smile and enjoy the day.

Bananarama21 · 05/08/2022 11:04

I would have included nieces and nephews personally but it sounds like it's just children invited that are part of the wedding party she wasnt obligated to have your dc involved. It's completely unreasonable for anyone to spoil there big day

latetothefisting · 05/08/2022 11:04

ClocksGoingBackwards · 05/08/2022 10:50

Your new SIL is making herself popular in her new family then?

How horrible of her to include children in her own side of the family but not her husbands. If that’s the sort of person she is, I feel sorry for your BIL.

Way to blame the woman! BIL isn't some helpless baby with no formal role in his own wedding! He could have put his foot down at any point and insisted he wanted his own neices and nephews at his wedding but clearly wasn't bothered enough to do so, plus he presumably knew all along these kids were invited and lied to his brother (and best man's) face about it!

I agree the bride isn't covering herself in glory but at the end of the day bil has the responsibility for his own family.

margegunderson · 05/08/2022 11:06

You've never been on Mumsnet and yet you thought you'd get flamed for the sick comment? Perhaps I've misunderstood.

changzi · 05/08/2022 11:06

Weddings make people weird.

In my circles, it would be totally normal to have no kids but still have flower girls.

Take heart in the fact that it would be a very boring wedding for them

traintraveller · 05/08/2022 11:08

It's good that your SIL is breezy because your MIL sounds a nightmare. It's nothing to do her or you or your husband, she has picked flower girls from her side. Of course your BIL knew which children were invited. Are rehearsal dinners really a thing?

CJsGoldfish · 05/08/2022 11:11

I've been to weddings where the only children were in the bridal party. They were then spirited away after photos not to be seen for the rest of the day/night.
Failing to see the issue or the need for the ridiculous drama. Have your vom and then pull on your big girl pants and go and enjoy the wedding.

Btw, very clear you don't like your SIL but I'm sure it's not influencing your OTT reaction right? 🙄

Confusedmonkey · 05/08/2022 11:12

I can 100% see why you are upset. As your husband is best man and your children their nieces, I would have personally thought they would be invited as part of the wedding party even if they were not flower girls and other children were not invited. However, different people have different rules and it is very much their wedding their rules. The bride probably thinks it is OK to invite just the flower girls as only they are taking part in the ceremony.

I think it is a bit rubbish for you, but you have made your plans to have your children looked after now and there is nothing you can do. I am sure it is not personal on the brides part, maybe a bit thoughtless, but nothing more. If you do anything other than carry on as planned it will make you look bad, as it is their wedding, so I would just forget about it and enjoy the day as best you can.

Iamclearlyamug · 05/08/2022 11:13

Not sure why you feel sick about it - it's their wedding so their choice who they invite surely?

I can see this from the other side as my brother and SIL recently got married, and my DD10 was the only child allowed to attend apart from their own baby daughter, because she was a flower girl.

I'd just be enjoying the child free day tbh, and doing my best to have a good time

Society · 05/08/2022 11:13

You sound quite silly OP. The wedding is not about your children.

Stripedbag101 · 05/08/2022 11:15

Rehearsal dinners are a thing In America @traintraveller - they feature in just about where movie that has a wedding!!

OP you are over reacting. Your children were not picked to be flower girls - I assume because they aren’t close to the bride. but you knew they weren’t flower girls and I assume knew there would be bridesmaids etc? You can’t be that close a family of your MIL and husband didn’t know there would be flower girls?

just enjoy the wedding - if you attend and the place is teaming with kids then your husband can have a quiet word with this brother after they return from honeymoon.

10HailMarys · 05/08/2022 11:16

So, basically there are two children, who SIL is close to, who are part of the wedding party, but apart from that the wedding is child-free?

Sorry, but that's totally normal and you're making massive fuss about nothing. About to vomit? Really? You've already clearly kicked up a strop about there being no child guests at the wedding, and you were unreasonable to do that too. You'd be doubly unreasonable to now complain that there are child flower girls.

Flower girls are just bridesmaids. It's always been normal at British weddings for kids to be bridesmaids - for some reason, people have adopted the American habit of calling them 'flower girls' but they are really just child bridesmaids. The fact that SIL has chosen two children close to her family to be among her bridesmaids is absolutely fine. The bridesmaids are women and girls connected to the bride; their age is irrelevant. They're not guests. They're part of the wedding party itself. I've been to loads of weddings were there were children in the wedding party but no other children as guests, it's totally normal and you need to get a fucking grip.

The wedding is about the bride and groom, not you and your children. Let your SIL enjoy her bloody wedding day without you and your bloody MIL sitting there with faces like cats' bums because she's committed the heinous crime of [checks notes] choosing her own bridesmaids.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 05/08/2022 11:16

To say you're going to vomit is very dramatic and what would you hope to achieve by telling your DP prior to the wedding?

Their wedding, their choice not to invite kids outside of the wedding party

bubblescoop · 05/08/2022 11:18

You are being overdramatic. Okay, so your kids weren’t invited.

So what?

10HailMarys · 05/08/2022 11:20

She was just very breezy.

Oh, the nerve of the woman, being happy on her wedding day. What a bitch.

this will mar things for everyone

No, you and your MIL will mar things for everyone by being total dicks about a couple having a perfectly normal wedding. I feel sorry for your SIL because she's marrying into a family who sound like a bloody nightmare.

JorisBonson · 05/08/2022 11:21

Jesus wept. Over reaction of the day goes to OP.

Catapultaway · 05/08/2022 11:22

You're getting a night to enjoy with your DH without worrying about getting kids etc to bed.
Enjoy it. The only nausea should be from the hangover in the morning.

SaltandPepper22 · 05/08/2022 11:23

This is exactly what I am doing for my wedding I’m afraid. Actually I’m not, it’s my wedding my choice.

Niece (flower girl) and Nephew (her brother) invited. No other children with the exception of a 4 year old belonging to a couple travelling over from the US and therefore childcare would be an unreasonable ask.

Any more kids and they are taking up the spaces that could be given to adults that I would like to be there. I imagine it is the same for your BIL - they want those spaces to go to adult friends or family.

greatblueheron · 05/08/2022 11:24

WhatTheFlap · 05/08/2022 10:46

I’ve been to quite a few weddings where the only kids invited are in the wedding party, are these the only two you’ve seen or are there other kids at the wedding too?

I don't know if you are being unreasonable or not until we know the answer to this... are there non-wedding party children coming to the wedding?

Fuuuuuckit · 05/08/2022 11:24

I'm confused, are the kids the bride and grooms children? If so, completely acceptable for them to be at their parents' wedding, no OTHER kids is perfectly reasonable.

If they're just other neices and nephews I'd be pissed too op, but now isn't the time for that.

traintraveller · 05/08/2022 11:26

Stripedbag101 yeah but the OP is in England. Are rehearsal dinners a thing there?

NRogers · 05/08/2022 11:26

In what way are the flower girls related to the bride?

All sounds unnecessarily dramatic. Just have a nice day with your DH.

SheWoreYellow · 05/08/2022 11:29

Flower girls and bridesmaids are traditionally from the bride’s side. Are you on the groom’s side? If so, that will be why yours aren’t included in the bridal party.

NRogers · 05/08/2022 11:30

SheWoreYellow · 05/08/2022 11:29

Flower girls and bridesmaids are traditionally from the bride’s side. Are you on the groom’s side? If so, that will be why yours aren’t included in the bridal party.

Exactly this.

You aren't a bridesmaid. So why expect your kids to be part of the Bride's side?