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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding, husband and flower girls

337 replies

Harrishoole · 05/08/2022 10:43

Brother in law is getting married in an hour and a half; never been on mumsnet, don't know what to do. Feel as if I am going to vomit.

Checked into hotel to find sister-in-law with her cousins and bridesmaids and two bloody flower girls.

Our two girls are not invited.

It became very obvious to me and mother-in-law that my children were not going to be invited to the wedding, logically none of our business but it was hurtful and upsetting. I thought my husband would be accepting but he was completely offended. He approached Brother-in-law who spoke to sister-in -law. Kids not invited.

Pandemic took over and when wedding was planned again both MiL and husband spoke again but no kids. BiL admitted this was SiL as he had left all planning to her.

Husband is best man. I don't know if I should ring him and warn him and MiL. I am scared there will be an atmosphere when they walk in.

OP posts:
WhatTheFlap · 05/08/2022 10:46

I’ve been to quite a few weddings where the only kids invited are in the wedding party, are these the only two you’ve seen or are there other kids at the wedding too?

NewIdeasToday · 05/08/2022 10:46

Sorry but it feels like you’re making a big drama here (about to vomit…) that isn’t going to help any one.

It’s up to the couple getting married to decide who to invite. Just accept that your kids aren’t there. And enjoy the wedding.

Mrsjayy · 05/08/2022 10:47

I mean the kids are part of the wedding that isn't unusual your just pissed off your kids were not asked, they are allowed to invite who they like, take a Rennie for your "nausea " and get on with it.

FionnulaTheCooler · 05/08/2022 10:48

Don't cause a drama on the wedding day, that will just leave you looking unhinged.

SarahSissions · 05/08/2022 10:48

No children outside of the wedding party is quite common. It’s odd that with you husband as best man he didn’t know the other members of the wedding party? Are you sure he wasn’t aware and keeping quiet to spare your feelings.
I didn’t have kids at my wedding- caused many mutterings but whilst we wanted my goddaughter to be a flower girl we knew if we did this it would’ve been outright anarchy

parietal · 05/08/2022 10:49

don't ruin things now. this is not your day and it is not your place to make a fuss.

after the honeymoon, you could express to the bridge & groom that you were a bit hurt & confused that your kids were excluded when others were included.

but for today, paste on a smile and wish them the best.

JenniferBarkley · 05/08/2022 10:50

I think it's a dick move not to invite nieces and nephews to a wedding.

However, there's no point in ruining the day for everyone. The flower girls may well disappear after the ceremony. It would be normal for flower girls to be from the bride's side, so if they're her nieces or other family members then I wouldn't take that to heart.

Do not be remembered for creating drama on someone else's wedding day.

Head up, smile plastered on, don't think any further about it until after the wedding.

Normandy144 · 05/08/2022 10:50

There's not much you can do about it now so I would just get on with the day and don't make a fuss about it. It's sad that their uncle and aunt don't want their nieces/nephews at their wedding - it would be nice for all the cousins to be together but they obviously don't. Unless there's a back story I've missed here?

Society · 05/08/2022 10:50

You're reaction is quite extreme. I can understand how it's a bit sad to not have family children invited but it's not something I would be so worked up about. And you absolutely do not say anything today and ruin someone's wedding!

ClocksGoingBackwards · 05/08/2022 10:50

Your new SIL is making herself popular in her new family then?

How horrible of her to include children in her own side of the family but not her husbands. If that’s the sort of person she is, I feel sorry for your BIL.

bridgetreilly · 05/08/2022 10:51

Don’t ring anyone. Don’t make an issue of it. Calm yourself down.

GooglyEyeballs · 05/08/2022 10:53

Does the bride and groom have a relationship with your kids? DH and I only invited kids we knew to our wedding. That meant some family friends and family had their kids there and some didn't. Seems harsh but if there's not relationship there why would they be invited?

Hoppinggreen · 05/08/2022 10:53

I might be a bit miffed but there would be no urge to vomit.
Your DHs reaction will depend largely on yours, if you make it a big drama he is more likely to.
Just smile, suck it up, let them enjoy their wedding and then decide what relationship you want with them going forwards

FlatBottomedGirl · 05/08/2022 10:54

Leave it for today. I can understand your feelings but nothing good will come of making a bigger issue of this today. Hope you can enjoy the day.

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 05/08/2022 10:54

No kids usually means no other kids othrt than wedding party, you sound very dramatic

Alfenstein · 05/08/2022 10:54

YABU and dramatic

It's their wedding, they're allowed to invite who they like

Your children were not on that list

It was extremely rude for your husband to ask about it before too!

aSofaNearYou · 05/08/2022 10:55

I agree with others, it's reasonable to be annoyed but you are being a bit over dramatic about this. Keep some perspective and don't do anything to ruin the wedding, it's not worth that, it's just an event your kids didn't go to.

It would be interesting to know who the kids are and how they are related, and how close they are to your kids etc.

Ithinkwemightgetaholiday · 05/08/2022 10:56

I'm reading this that the OP is sick with worry about how DH and MIL will react, rather than being super annoyed about it herself? Happy to be corrected.
Sounds stressful and I hope it goes smoother than you're imagining.
Will certainly cause some ongoing friction.

Laquila · 05/08/2022 10:57

Agree that there's nothing you can do about it and it would be a terrible idea to mention it today to try and make a big thing of it. As I've got older I've become much more pragmatic about weddings - the guest list is an issue for no-one other than the bride and groom, and that won't suit everyone, but IMHO that's just life. No-one owes you a wedding invite.

Original poster
Harrishoole · 05/08/2022 10:57

I knew if I mentioned feeling sick I would get flamed..

I have no intention of causing a scene. I am trying to avoid one. I worry that MiL will be shocked when she sees them and my husband will be angry. I don't think he knows and is protecting me, he was insulted our girls weren't there. We are in England there was no rehearsal dinner or anything.

I have checked in and I am now going. This will mar things for everyone. I don't think SiL will care she definitely has her own life. She was just very breezy.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 05/08/2022 10:59

Don't tell your husband. Nobody's going to kick off once the bride is walking down the aisle but it could ruin the whole day if you call him beforehand.

Badgirlriri · 05/08/2022 10:59

YABU and dramatic.

ladydimitrescu · 05/08/2022 10:59

No kids invited doesn't include children in the wedding party ffs!
Huge drama, please don't ruin their day over this.

AngelsWithSilverWings · 05/08/2022 11:00

Quite normal these days for the no kids rule to have an exemption for flower girls.

Went to my cousins wedding without my two DC and they had one flower girl ( the bride's little niece) No other children there , not even the 16/17 year old close family members. I didn't think anything of it other than noticing the flower girl was pretty bored for most of the day with no one her age to talk to.

Just enjoy the wedding and don't dwell on the stuff you can't control.

latetothefisting · 05/08/2022 11:01

How old are the flower girls and how does the bride know them?

There could, for example, be a big difference between 2 well behaved girls aged 6 and 8 who are her best friends kids, who she sees often, whose grandparents will take them back home after the main bit of the ceremony, to a 2 and 4 year old groom's neices, whom she's only seen once or twice in the last 2 years, who might cry and shout during the ceremony and whose immediately family are all at the wedding so won't be able to be "handed over" when they get tired.

Obviously I don't know any of this -just saying the b&g clearly have reasons for inviting these other kids and not yours. This doesn't mean the fact that they specifically told you there wouldn't be any kids at the wedding ok, and doesn't mean you can't be annoyed at them about it, but "nausea" is an odd way to react. I'd sit through the wedding politely then raise it afterwards if you want. Kicking off now won't achieve anything.

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