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AIBU?

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Original poster

Wedding, husband and flower girls

337 replies

Harrishoole · 05/08/2022 10:43

Brother in law is getting married in an hour and a half; never been on mumsnet, don't know what to do. Feel as if I am going to vomit.

Checked into hotel to find sister-in-law with her cousins and bridesmaids and two bloody flower girls.

Our two girls are not invited.

It became very obvious to me and mother-in-law that my children were not going to be invited to the wedding, logically none of our business but it was hurtful and upsetting. I thought my husband would be accepting but he was completely offended. He approached Brother-in-law who spoke to sister-in -law. Kids not invited.

Pandemic took over and when wedding was planned again both MiL and husband spoke again but no kids. BiL admitted this was SiL as he had left all planning to her.

Husband is best man. I don't know if I should ring him and warn him and MiL. I am scared there will be an atmosphere when they walk in.

OP posts:
babymuffinxo · 05/08/2022 11:31

margegunderson · 05/08/2022 11:06

You've never been on Mumsnet and yet you thought you'd get flamed for the sick comment? Perhaps I've misunderstood.

I thought that..

GreenManalishi · 05/08/2022 11:32

An invitation is just that, an invitation. It's absolutely down to the couple who they invite. Requests aren't appropriate. You either accept the invitation for the people named on it, or don't go.

I'm glad the bride seems breezy and has her own life, this is exactly how it should be. Please do not even attempt to drag her or her family into this imagined drama today, nor afterwards. Let your husband and MIL be responsible for their own feelings, don't ruin their day by making they responsbible for yours either. Smile and wave, and get over yourself. This is not about you.

Rinatinabina · 05/08/2022 11:32

I think it’s out of order tbh. Can’t imagine excluding DH nephews and nieces but having a place for my own at the wedding. That’s on your BIL though. But I’m from a culture where weddings are very big noisy affairs so I might have stronger feelings on it than other posters.

I’d be a bit miffed about it but no point in making a fuss. It’s their wedding, they did how they wanted to which is their right. But yeah it’s not nice.

JenniferBarkley · 05/08/2022 11:32

traintraveller · 05/08/2022 11:26

Stripedbag101 yeah but the OP is in England. Are rehearsal dinners a thing there?

I think OP meant that there was no pre wedding occasion getting the bridal party together, as a PP expressed surprise that the best man didn't know everyone in the wedding party.

LaingsAcidTab · 05/08/2022 11:33

I think you're in danger of creating the very kind of drama that you purport to be wanting to avoid.

GoodThinkingMax · 05/08/2022 11:35

It’s their wedding <shrug>. You’re being rather over-dramatic. I’m assuming that the flower girls are close family relations of the bride. Your daughters are her husband’s nieces. She may not feel close to her husband’s brother’s family. She’s allowed to feel that way. It can take time to feel close to your in-laws.

Im not close to my one SiL and I certainly wouldn’t choose her DC to attend me at a wedding or similar ceremonial occasion.

MichelleScarn · 05/08/2022 11:36

Are your children the only ones in the family? Are they pedestaled by MIL to the point she would ruin her own sons wedding because they're not there?

CrapBucket · 05/08/2022 11:37

How far away are your children and do you have a boom box?

If there is time I highly recommend getting them to walk down the aisle just before the Bride, doing a funky dance and blasting 'It Should've Been Me'.

It will be a lovely surprise gift for the happy couple and truly memorable.

maddy68 · 05/08/2022 11:37

Why are you being so dramatic. It's a non child wedding except for the wedding party. Perfectly normal.

Triffid1 · 05/08/2022 11:41

It sounds like OP is more worried about her husband's reaction when he discovers his daughters' were not invited while SIL has invited some of her family members who are children. Her DH has already spoken to BIL on more than one occasion.

I think you let this go as much as possible. Assuming the flower girls disappear after the ceremony, you highlight that to your DH. At the end of the day, you BIL and SIL are in the process of making it legally clear to everyone that they're a team so you can't be pissed with her and not BIL.

Personally, I think it's ridiculous. Children or no children, not "some children" but every bride and groom has to make the decision for themselves.

ancientgran · 05/08/2022 11:43

I see a wedding as joining two families. I've never experienced the bridesmaids/flowr girls just being from the brides side. The groom has two little nieces, there are flowergirls so yes I'd think it was weird not to have his nieces.

Particularly underhand to say children not invited and then have children there. I wouldn't be impressed.

Cas112 · 05/08/2022 11:46

Harrishoole · 05/08/2022 10:57

I knew if I mentioned feeling sick I would get flamed..

I have no intention of causing a scene. I am trying to avoid one. I worry that MiL will be shocked when she sees them and my husband will be angry. I don't think he knows and is protecting me, he was insulted our girls weren't there. We are in England there was no rehearsal dinner or anything.

I have checked in and I am now going. This will mar things for everyone. I don't think SiL will care she definitely has her own life. She was just very breezy.

Its her wedding that's why.

If they are not close to your children, you should not expect them in wedding party.

SD1978 · 05/08/2022 11:48

You're being utterly dramatic, and it sounds as if your husband and MIL love a good drama too. There are two kids, who are flower girls there. That's it. It's not a pile of kids except yours. She has 2 flower girls, and didn't want any other kids- I'm not sure why you and your husband seem to th7nk your kids are somehow special and exempt from the no kids rule?

MiauzenKatzenjammer · 05/08/2022 11:49

It is quite common for children not to be invited to a wedding unless they have a specific role in that wedding. And it is not very kind to refer to two small children as 'bloody flower girls'.

spongebunnyfatpants · 05/08/2022 11:52

Hi Op, you have every right to feel hurt and upset, it's a natural reaction.

My Bil did this to us, said our children werent invited as no children were invited, got to the wedding and sil niece and nephew were bridesmaid and pageboy.

We didn't say anything on the day or even afterwards, because I'm pretty sure he'd love the drama, we've just quietly removed them from our lives. As it was the final straw in a long list of things he's done to the family that have been hurtful.

Try and enjoy the day and move forward in whatever way is best for you.

PortalooSunset · 05/08/2022 11:53

Mil is mother of the groom, am I right? Pretty sure she knew.

CallmeAngelina · 05/08/2022 11:54

It's quite common to have "child-free" weddings but to wheel some in for the photo ops.
You're just going to have to suck it up, I'm afraid, and try to enjoy the event anyway. Please don't make a fuss today.

Andromachehadabadday · 05/08/2022 11:54

I genuinely can’t see the issue.

not can I see why you, yours husband or the mil will have just dramatic reactions.

no wonder the bride has no interest in prioritising any of you. I wouldn’t plan my wedding trying to ensure my partners brother doesn’t get irrational rage or his wife doesn’t vomit out of distress.

ffs this whole thread is ridiculous

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 05/08/2022 11:59

ancientgran · 05/08/2022 11:43

I see a wedding as joining two families. I've never experienced the bridesmaids/flowr girls just being from the brides side. The groom has two little nieces, there are flowergirls so yes I'd think it was weird not to have his nieces.

Particularly underhand to say children not invited and then have children there. I wouldn't be impressed.

This.

Is it brother or sister who's related to OP/her DH? In that case too, it'd look a bit weird/hurtful not to turn up at all.

I just can't see why nieces/nephews can't be invited as there are other children (as well as flower girls etc) on the family side invited. It does seem a bit of a dick move not to do this.

Am so lucky in my family that apart from me (never gonna happen!) weddings happened before children arrived so we didn't have to navigate this!

TheOriginalClownfish · 05/08/2022 12:07

We had all the family kids at our wedding, but it's common enough for the only children attending to be part of the bridal party, and often they are handed over to a childminder after the photos or meal anyway.

Today is not the day to address it. Say nowt, make sure husband says nowt and if you do feel like it needs to be said at some point, do it in a few weeks time when the dust has settled.

User135792468 · 05/08/2022 12:07

I know mumsnet is all about the “it’s not your day etc” but I understand why you are so hurt. Not having your own siblings children is just not on unless they’re extremely badly behaved. I understand no kids, but surely this doesn’t apply to immediate family? I’ve been to plenty of “no kids” weddings but nieces and nephews are always there. Just no children of extended family or friends to keep the cost down. After the wedding, I would expect your husband to tell his brother what an absolute twat he is and then distance yourself from them both.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 05/08/2022 12:09

I knew if I mentioned feeling sick I would get flamed.

Did you? Thought you'd never been on Mumsnet before?

Mamapep · 05/08/2022 12:11

I think it’s rude personally, since it’s close family and there’s other children, but you’re being incredibly dramatic. I’d just raise my eyebrows slightly.

Mennex · 05/08/2022 12:11

This is not vomit worthy.

Neighbours87 · 05/08/2022 12:11

YANBU to be upset, I think it’s cruel to exclude the only children in the grooms immediate family. I wouldn’t say anything but I would after their honeymoon I’d let them know what they did was wrong.