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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding, husband and flower girls

337 replies

Harrishoole · 05/08/2022 10:43

Brother in law is getting married in an hour and a half; never been on mumsnet, don't know what to do. Feel as if I am going to vomit.

Checked into hotel to find sister-in-law with her cousins and bridesmaids and two bloody flower girls.

Our two girls are not invited.

It became very obvious to me and mother-in-law that my children were not going to be invited to the wedding, logically none of our business but it was hurtful and upsetting. I thought my husband would be accepting but he was completely offended. He approached Brother-in-law who spoke to sister-in -law. Kids not invited.

Pandemic took over and when wedding was planned again both MiL and husband spoke again but no kids. BiL admitted this was SiL as he had left all planning to her.

Husband is best man. I don't know if I should ring him and warn him and MiL. I am scared there will be an atmosphere when they walk in.

OP posts:
Testina · 05/08/2022 12:11

Chill your beans 🙄
Vomit indeed, and taking to MN hours before the wedding? Are you joking?
How do you get yourself through the day?!
It’s entirely common to have no kids, except wedding party kids.
And if that bothers you - remember it was your husband’s brother’s choice - not his new wife’s. He planned what he wanted. If that meant he actually did fuck all planning and left it to her - then it was still his choice that he didn’t want your kids.

Ponoka7 · 05/08/2022 12:12

@10HailMarys, my English GM born 1910 always referred to them as flower girls. It was page boys and flower girls, then bridesmaids and MOH. We haven't adopted it from the US at all.

OP, your DH hasn't been that bothered because he hasn't had it out with his brother, nor has your MIL. It wasn't SIL, they both didn't want children there, your BIL took the cowards way out and put it on her. As said, who is in the bridal party is irrelevant.

pinkyredrose · 05/08/2022 12:12

Maybe they didn't want your girls to be flower girls because they don't like your entitled attitude?

Oneortwo2022 · 05/08/2022 12:14

Let it go and try to enjoy the day. Your kids are related to the groom. The flower girls are there for the bride and it is totally normal that the bride is the one to select them from her family.

autienotnaughty · 05/08/2022 12:22

Sorry I agree with other posters. It's normal to not have children but still have a few children in wedding party. If there's others at the actual wedding then that is shit. However I do think nieces an nephews prob should be invited as they are close family although it is bride/grooms choice, if my sil had not invited my children I probably wouldn't have gone. But cousins/friends etc no issue with not inviting kids. Sounds like your bil is whipped.

DonnaBanana · 05/08/2022 12:23

I'm with you on this OP. It's selfish and patronising to invite children merely because they're providing some sort of cute factor as decoration flower girls and not because they're, you know, valued family members. But people do get very uppity and obnoxious about their weddings, and I just wouldn't have gone because the idea of family is clearly not very strong with SIL.

StClare101 · 05/08/2022 12:23

Calm your farm…no need to embarrass yourself today!

Milkand2sugarsplease · 05/08/2022 12:26

It's their wedding, they can invite who they like as guests and ask who they want to be part of the bridal party.

What are you so bothered about? I'm just not sure I get the problem...

Mumblechum0 · 05/08/2022 12:27

You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.

enjoy your child free time

Scepticalwotsits · 05/08/2022 12:27

It’s their wedding day, don’t make it about you. I know it’s hard for some people not to want to be the centre of attention, but don’t create drama just because

I8toys · 05/08/2022 12:29

But whose kids are they? Are they family? Are they rentaflower girls? So no kids but kids?

JudgeJ · 05/08/2022 12:30

He could have put his foot down at any point and insisted he wanted his own neices and nephews at his wedding

Oh how well that would have gone down in the world of MN, a man expecting to have some say about her wedding!

Shoxfordian · 05/08/2022 12:32

Maybe your kids are especially disruptive? It’s their wedding so try to have a nice time and not make it all about you

burnoutbabe · 05/08/2022 12:32

if there are other cousins who are in attendence (as guests or just flower girls) that seems very rude/thoughtless to only allow one side in and not the other. things should be equal as far as possible. unless you really DO NOT care about upsetting people and are happy to front it out.

If the flower girls are say brides best friends kids and the only kids probably fine - even better if in fact other family children are treated the same and not invited.

So right now, you don't know the score, it will become clearer later what the invite criteria is.

Pipsquiggle · 05/08/2022 12:32

You can't do anything, unless you think your DH would lose his shit in the church when he saw the flower girls and by pre-warning him it would stop him reacting like that.

Honestly, your new SIL will probably not care. Is she close to your DC? We had a no children wedding although we did make an exception for our 2 year old niece. Honestly though, I probably would have preferred it if she wasn't there as she was bored and it meant her parents were just preoccupied the whole day. All the other parents, let their hair down.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 05/08/2022 12:32

Presumably BIL is your husbands brother? In that case I think it’s reasonable SIL has her own family to be the bridesmaids/ flower girls. How old are your DDs and how long has SIL been with BIL - is she even particularly close to your DDs? I don’t think it’s unusual in child free weddings for there to be a few exceptions for those in the wedding party.

ChipsRoastOrBoiled · 05/08/2022 12:33

Well, today is first time I've read on Mumsnet that 'no kids' doesn't actually mean no kids. I thought it meant no kids.

I can understand you bring upset, OP. But you're doing the right thing, say nothing for today. Get through it and then you & your husband can decide if or what you want to say/do about it.

Goldfishmountainclimber · 05/08/2022 12:34

I can understand why you are upset but I think this is often the case to have no children except for the bridal party. They just want them for the cute look in the wedding photos.

RealBecca · 05/08/2022 12:36

Are you upset because your kids are left out or because of how your husband will react.

2pinkginsplease · 05/08/2022 12:38

Yeah it’s up to the bride and groom to invite who they want however not inviting your nieces and nephews is pretty shit.

how are these flower girls related to bride or groom?

if they are her nieces then it’s horrible on her behalf to not invite her dh to bed’s nieces or nephews, that’s one way to isolate a family and cause an atmosphere.

Rowen32 · 05/08/2022 12:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

FrownedUpon · 05/08/2022 12:41

You sound like a nightmare. Why are you being so dramatic? It isn’t your day. Their wedding, their choice.

Isthisit22 · 05/08/2022 12:42

SaltandPepper22 · 05/08/2022 11:23

This is exactly what I am doing for my wedding I’m afraid. Actually I’m not, it’s my wedding my choice.

Niece (flower girl) and Nephew (her brother) invited. No other children with the exception of a 4 year old belonging to a couple travelling over from the US and therefore childcare would be an unreasonable ask.

Any more kids and they are taking up the spaces that could be given to adults that I would like to be there. I imagine it is the same for your BIL - they want those spaces to go to adult friends or family.

But the whole point is that these ARE nieces who are being excluded. Not random children of friends.

Who are the flower girls OP?

I can understand why this would be hurtful. Not sure why everyone on here is being so nasty to you.

Pipsquiggle · 05/08/2022 12:42

@Harrishoole it would be interesting to know the ages of your DDs and the approx ages of the flower girls?

thenewduchessoflapland · 05/08/2022 12:43

No children doesn't usually go for the bride/grooms own nieces or nephews;to not invite them is cold especially when there's flower girls and bridesmaids who are children.

Just get through the day;don't say anything.From reading between the lines here it doesn't sound as though you're close to BIL and his wife anyway so politely keep your distance.