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Original poster

Wedding, husband and flower girls

337 replies

Harrishoole · 05/08/2022 10:43

Brother in law is getting married in an hour and a half; never been on mumsnet, don't know what to do. Feel as if I am going to vomit.

Checked into hotel to find sister-in-law with her cousins and bridesmaids and two bloody flower girls.

Our two girls are not invited.

It became very obvious to me and mother-in-law that my children were not going to be invited to the wedding, logically none of our business but it was hurtful and upsetting. I thought my husband would be accepting but he was completely offended. He approached Brother-in-law who spoke to sister-in -law. Kids not invited.

Pandemic took over and when wedding was planned again both MiL and husband spoke again but no kids. BiL admitted this was SiL as he had left all planning to her.

Husband is best man. I don't know if I should ring him and warn him and MiL. I am scared there will be an atmosphere when they walk in.

OP posts:
balalake · 05/08/2022 12:44

Whilst it is reasonable to be upset, and I would be in your place, you lost a degree of support by exaggerating the impact OP.

Child-free weddings in my opinion should be exactly that.

TowelChair · 05/08/2022 12:48

You’re overreacting. She may not have wanted more flower girls and it’s not uncommon to have no children except bridal party

Pipsquiggle · 05/08/2022 12:55

Were 'her' nieces invited and 'his' nieces excluded?

I think it comes down to that really.

It's not a great look excluding nieces, but it sounds like all of this was the bride's call. You can'r do anything about this today

SuperCamp · 05/08/2022 13:12

What on earth is your issue?

Your BIL has your DH as best man from his side of the family, SIL had 2 flower girls from hers. 2 is enough.

Absolutely not unusual to have a child free wedding where only kids in the wedding party attend.

What drama.

If your DH and MIL cause a scene they are an embarrassment to themselves.

DarkDarkNight · 05/08/2022 13:12

It’s really crap if her, and if you BIL not to insist his family were included really. Who are the flower girls to her? It’s really selfish and says a lot about her to include for example her own nieces or her friend’s children and leave the groom’s nieces out. Different of course if it were her own kids and they were the only children at the wedding.

Lots of posters saying it’s normal to have no children except for the children in the wedding party but I think the issue here is yours should have been included or at least invited. It’s like saying the groom’s side of the family doesn’t matter at all.

Herewegoagain84 · 05/08/2022 13:16

Seriously get over it. it really isn’t a big deal for any of you. The bride can do what she wants - fine you might be a bit miffed your children aren’t invited (not remotely vomit worthy), but why make it such a drama for everyone? Why try and vilify your SIL immediately on joining the family? Have some grace, enjoy the day, move on.

Pipsquiggle · 05/08/2022 13:16

The other question to ask is 'were other nephews or nieces also excluded?'

justagirlstandinginfrontofcake · 05/08/2022 13:19

Pretty sure no one puked at my wedding because their kids weren't invited and they saw I had child bridesmaids. Her wedding, not yours. Chill the fuck out.

ScarlettOHaraHamiltonKennedyButler · 05/08/2022 13:19

Try to look at the positives of it, if they have DC you aren't obligated to invite them to any events you may have. Silver linings and all that.

It's just family politics OP, my Mum fell out with her sister 20 years ago because my brother and I weren't invited to my cousins wedding. They were so close and haven't spoken since. I wonder if she really thinks it was worth it especially as we would have been bored stiff.

Prunel · 05/08/2022 13:20

About to vomit?

why is BIL landing SIL in it with you. Like he doesn’t have a say in his own wedding and just gets to pass the blame on.
plenty of weddings have no kids outside of the wedding party

this will mar things for everyone?! Why?! Your BIL is getting married and is presumably happy about it.
your kids (and no one else’s kids) not being there isn’t really the main point of the day.
Seems like you just have an issue with her.

khaa2091 · 05/08/2022 13:20

Another one who thinks you are overreacting.
My sister is getting married in Oct. My 10 month old is coming to the church (which has a sound proofed glassed off side chapel) but not to the reception. A 6 year old god daughter (who my sister knows well) is being a flower girl and attending service and reception.
The invite was no children and everybody seems to think that's fine except for them (the best man is bringing his 5 month old, another friend wants to bring her 13 month old, a 7 month old is being left with my daughter). Any child needing a highchair and up takes a space and is charged a full adult price for the meal.

AffIt · 05/08/2022 13:34

I hope the bride and groom are having a great day, and that she doesn't have to wipe sick off her dress / he doesn't have to cope with his brother turning the best man's speech into a passive-aggressive soliloquy.

Maytodecember · 05/08/2022 13:39

Surely your mil would already know there are flower girls in the wedding party? She’s probably been involved in dress choosing.
Lots of wedding are no kids apart from bridesmaids and page boys. Kids get bored, the speeches are boring enough for adults.
Smile at everyone, think what you want in your head while you smile then go home and forget about their wedding. Which is one day.

Thepeopleversuswork · 05/08/2022 13:42

This is why I hate weddings, they bring out the most bizarrely irrational behaviour in people.

You are over-reacting massively. I can sort of understand having a pang of disappointment at this but feeling as if you are "going to vomit" is absolutely ridiculous.

It's their wedding, up to them how they manage it. Sorry, but get a grip.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 05/08/2022 13:46

hhaahhaah the drama! honestly it's just a bloody party who cares

Valeriekat · 05/08/2022 13:50

I would be very unhappy.

Littleheart5 · 05/08/2022 13:52

Why on earth would it ‘mar things for everyone’?! The bride is absolutely allowed choose her own bridal party. Another vote saying it’s ridiculous to just ‘blame’ your SIL

Loics · 05/08/2022 13:52

Hopefully you, husband and MIL held back on the drama and anyone who felt the need to spew in indignant shock at the sight of the flower girls managed to do so discreetly in the toilet. 🤨

luckylavender · 05/08/2022 13:56

thenewduchessoflapland · 05/08/2022 12:43

No children doesn't usually go for the bride/grooms own nieces or nephews;to not invite them is cold especially when there's flower girls and bridesmaids who are children.

Just get through the day;don't say anything.From reading between the lines here it doesn't sound as though you're close to BIL and his wife anyway so politely keep your distance.

Not true at all. Every wedding is different

luckylavender · 05/08/2022 13:57

khaa2091 · 05/08/2022 13:20

Another one who thinks you are overreacting.
My sister is getting married in Oct. My 10 month old is coming to the church (which has a sound proofed glassed off side chapel) but not to the reception. A 6 year old god daughter (who my sister knows well) is being a flower girl and attending service and reception.
The invite was no children and everybody seems to think that's fine except for them (the best man is bringing his 5 month old, another friend wants to bring her 13 month old, a 7 month old is being left with my daughter). Any child needing a highchair and up takes a space and is charged a full adult price for the meal.

A 10 month old is very different

luckylavender · 05/08/2022 13:58

Maytodecember · 05/08/2022 13:39

Surely your mil would already know there are flower girls in the wedding party? She’s probably been involved in dress choosing.
Lots of wedding are no kids apart from bridesmaids and page boys. Kids get bored, the speeches are boring enough for adults.
Smile at everyone, think what you want in your head while you smile then go home and forget about their wedding. Which is one day.

There is no good reason to assume the groom's mother has been involved in choosing bridesmaid's dresses

viques · 05/08/2022 14:01

OP, your husband is part of the wedding party because he is the grooms brother.

The bride has chosen people who she is close to to be part of the wedding party.

Sounds fair to me.

Summerhasbeenandgone · 05/08/2022 14:04

It's the having organised childcare for your dc and find others have had the luxury of not..
But there again those dc have to be supervised..
You get the freedom of a dc night out.
In your shoes though I would be l miffed.

Purplepurse · 05/08/2022 14:07

Unkind not to invite your brothers children. He is obviously close enough to be best man. MIL will be upset because they are her grandchildren who have been excluded. Quite a normal reaction I would think. Not a normal reaction to make a scene though. I'm sure they won't! Childfree weddings rarely exclude immediate family. Weddings used to be family occasions . Sadly that no longer seems to be the norm. Your brother will still be by your side in 40 years time. I wonder how many of the so important friends who seem to take priority at weddings nowadays will be.

ancientgran · 05/08/2022 14:10

Maytodecember · 05/08/2022 13:39

Surely your mil would already know there are flower girls in the wedding party? She’s probably been involved in dress choosing.
Lots of wedding are no kids apart from bridesmaids and page boys. Kids get bored, the speeches are boring enough for adults.
Smile at everyone, think what you want in your head while you smile then go home and forget about their wedding. Which is one day.

I don't think the bridegrooms mother is always that involved. Mother of the bride much more likely.