Is this normal wear and tear? Ukrainian hosting

[Isthisexpected]

Hosting a Ukrainian family. Difference of opinion between me and my husband. I feel our house is getting trashed because the mother is too hands off parenting and leaves us to tell her toddler "no". We have been clear about things such as no climbing on the furniture, child must be clean before leaving the dining room and no food in the lounge etc but I basically feel I have to be the parent. Sometimes the mum will stay upstairs letting the two year old run amok downstairs until I intervene.

My husband says it's wear and tear and part of opening up our home. Some examples:

Brand new books for our youngest, ripped.
Biro and felt tip on the walls and tables
Toaster left too close to gas hob and melted
Food stains on the new dining chairs because I am not there for every meal to keep saying "no the wooden ones are for you"
Wee on my new sofa (child climbed on and took nappy off)
Food stains (red Borscht) on lounge carpet as child wasn't clean before leaving dining room

Anyone else hosting children please comment....is this acceptable wear and tear? Yes - YABU.

It's what two year olds do when they're not supervised.
Mine had the occasional wee accident when potty training. A couple of biro on wall incidents when had foolishly left pens in reach.

Clean before leaving table and no food in lounge - easy to manage.
No tearing books - ours only wore out through wear and tear.
Climbing on furniture - also easy to manage
.
The mum needs to be told to supervise her child. Child needs to be taken back upstairs to mum if they come down unsupervised.

No way! My 2 kids were never allowed to behave like that

Same here. My ds was and still is an extremely well behaved and respectful boy. I would never allow him to do something like this. It is poor parenting on behalf of the mother. Have a talk with her and let her know that this is unacceptable and the arrangement is becoming difficult to live with. She needs to step up and know that your home is being disrespected. If she can't be bothered after that, you can look at ending the placement.

If I were staying in a stranger's house with my toddler I would do my best to make sure the child didn't wreck the house.

I don't consider this normal wear and tear.
It screams neglect by the mum who is not going to supervise her child.

She would do better to be housed in a home with similar parenting to her.
I have had children and DGC and never seen this behaviour.
Yes Toddlers break stuff, so I put all of that out of reach but would never let any kids draw on walls. You give them plenty of papar and help them to understand where it is ok to draw.
The mum is not going to change so maybe best to help her find a better match as I have friends with different standards its ok for people to be different in parenting but having your home wrecked will cause stress and resentment.

This article made me chuckle a bit. I’ve recognised certain aspects from my own childhood, and I suppose some of these things are still true but a lot of it does seem quite old fashioned. The “evil eye” thing is just a superstition. I’ve forgotten all about that.
Surprised to read about no bedtime. I found the opposite in my childhood. Bedtime was always 9 pm and up until we started school (at the age of 7) we had to take daily naps after lunch which were 2 hours long, they were a part of the daily routine.
*I was born in the eastern part of Ukraine back when it was a part of USSR.

i also agree with the previous posters that direct approach is best. Don’t beat about the bush and say exactly what you mean, and set clear expectations and boundaries. It’s very likely that the mother would have had a lot of help at home with her toddler. Cultural differences are definitely a thing, it took me years to get used to how things are done here in the U.K. and my husband is British.

Toddlers can be a handful and accidents do happen.
You sound incompatible.
Toddler removing nappy whilst back is turned has happened to me before as have many of the other things you mentioned. I have 4 DC, its hard to watch them 24/7.
I think hosting people with DC or perhaps hosting at all isnt right for you, you are clearly houseproud and have lots of boundaries which is fine but it probably doesnt make for a relaxing environment for the anyone.
Im in Greece atm and was on the beach observing parenting styles from differenf cultures, i was marvelling at one family where parents didnt leave their sunlongers at all whilst young DC played in the sea and poked around sailing club equipment. I would have been on high alert the whole time. There is definetely more relaxed parenting in europe as a whole so not watching DC all the time in the home might well be normal. Also the mother could well be depressed- I think I would be in her circumstances tbh.

The comments of my toddler was not (allowed) to do this sort of thing. No one allows their kids to do this . It happens . Mum gos to the bathroom or simlar. Comes back and toddler has managed to write on a wall.

Also things like ripped books. Should theses not be out of the toddlers reach? Maybe some toddler proofing needs to be done.

Is there a language barrier at all ?
Maybe set up some ground rules chores ect

My children never did any of that! But we supervised them properly at home and even more so in other people's houses.

If the mum is hands off, and spends a lot of time upstairs, do you think she might be depressed, missing her husband and/or homesick? She's not going through an easy time herself.

“I doubt this is due to cultural differences. Many people of all different cultures allow their kids to trash the house and not have a bed time. It sounds like OP had no prior experience of sharing her home long term end had a utopian view of how it would all work. I think lots of people got swept up in the moment and now the honeymoon period is over. This was inevitable. If you know any mother and bay foster carer they will tell you this is the top of the iceberg. Luckily you have a partner to help. Is he proactively involved in making sure house rules are adhered to also?”

True. What matters is seeing if the current situation can be adjusted so that the arrangement can continue long term in a more harmonious way. The OP should express her concerns with the mother - obviously there needs to be a decent element of “give” in the circumstances, but living with zero rules won’t work for anybody for months / possibly even years on end.

You have NEVER had a toddler get hold of a pen?

How, 2 of my 3 have and the 3rd hasnt hit toddler stage yet... its probably the most common issue specific to toddlerhood. I remember my brother doing it too and my nephew.

Do your kids actually LIVE in your house?

To be honest it sounds like your house isnt toddler proof, we have wood floors and carpets that don't show stains, same for the sofa/chairs (dark leather, black wood chairs and brown velvet cusions for the kids). Several of my lovely vintage furniture pieces have been replaced by paw patrol cube shelves and car themed toy boxes etc... thats just what you do with kids, its not the kids fault the enviroment is unsuitible.

It's not your job to parent the child, you've been very generous opening your home up to a parent and child, and I think the mum needs to be more respectful of that fact. It's ridiculous to leave the toddler running amok downstairs in someone else's home.
I'm very house proud and prepare myself for chaos when babysitting my niece and nephew, or friends' children, but they've never, ever drawn on my things or ripped any books, and they're all from parents with v different parenting styles. I know kids cause mess and toddlers in particular can be v destructive, but the mum needs to be more hands-on and respectful that she's a guest in your house. I don't like this whole "toddlers wreck stuff, what did you expect/suck it up" kind of attitude some PPs are displaying/alluding to.

THIS.

Exactly! My son never drew on walls and I watched him like a hawk - because he was a toddler

I don’t think this is a cultural difference so much as a parenting difference. I think she has a more, shall we say, ‘carefree’ approach to parenting whereas you appreciate a clean and tidy home so are a bit more uptight.

I’m more like you, have 5 DC and I’ve never had pen on the walls because they weren’t allowed pens until they were old enough not to draw on anything other than paper. The wee accident does happen with toddlers a lot though, my 2 yo went through a phase a while ago of removing his nappy and peeing everywhere. She should have listened when you asked them not to use the fancy dining room chairs or leave the dining room until clean though. I wouldn’t dream of letting my DC run amok in someone else’s home, I’d honestly be so embarrassed.

Such a difficult situation but I’d honestly really struggle to continue hosting them in your shoes.

The stuff the toddler is doing is normal, but the mum seems to be quite inactive, and that would concern me. I would be upset, not at the damage the kid does, but more that the mother does not seem to be making the effort to stop it.

Unacceptable and I say that as a mother of two.. my house was never wrecked like this and if I was a guest in someone else's house no way would I allow my toddler to cause such damage!!

Yes you are hosting the family but you are not a nanny to the child so the mother needs to parent!!

Quick scan of replies on my break! Things have changed since I was on here this morning as 80% are now YANBU. I haven't had a chance to read all your replies yet but I hope there aren't lots of you in the same situation as it is tricky!

The matching charity said to set expectations and house rules beforehand so the family could decline our offer if not prepared to live in our house, which we did...I was obviously very naïve in expecting them to be followed!

Well some may consider this normal, it's not ok for the mother to sit upstairs and expect OP to parent her child.

This is beyond the level of damage that my kids caused at that age........... and if they had caused damage like that in someone elses home Id be so embarrassed.

Do we think the mother is being lazy and disrespectful or maybe traumatised/depressed/ lacking in energy after what she and her family have been through?

OP have you spoken to her about this? Then you may be able to tell which one it is.

Not necessarily. My two year old knew not to destroy other people's things. We're not special.

But really what can you do? They're there now. When do they leave? How long are people being hosted for?

I have a friend whose children are like this and I've had to cut contact with the children. I guess this woman needs leeway etc. for her unfortunate situation but I'd now be working towards an end point.

Are there work placement/housing/future arrangements for these people? We didn't just bring them here to live forever in people's homes did we? They can work, right and children attend school? They will be able to soon afford a rental on a social home and integrate and contribute to UK life?

Personally that doesn't sound normal to me. My now three year old wasn't allowed to do things like that at any age. Perhaps the mum is depressed/traumatised which is why she isn't getting involved? The situation sounds really difficult for you. I'd really struggle to have my home wrecked regularly.