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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this normal wear and tear? Ukrainian hosting

251 replies

Isthisexpected · 05/08/2022 09:55

Hosting a Ukrainian family. Difference of opinion between me and my husband. I feel our house is getting trashed because the mother is too hands off parenting and leaves us to tell her toddler "no". We have been clear about things such as no climbing on the furniture, child must be clean before leaving the dining room and no food in the lounge etc but I basically feel I have to be the parent. Sometimes the mum will stay upstairs letting the two year old run amok downstairs until I intervene.

My husband says it's wear and tear and part of opening up our home. Some examples:

Brand new books for our youngest, ripped.
Biro and felt tip on the walls and tables
Toaster left too close to gas hob and melted
Food stains on the new dining chairs because I am not there for every meal to keep saying "no the wooden ones are for you"
Wee on my new sofa (child climbed on and took nappy off)
Food stains (red Borscht) on lounge carpet as child wasn't clean before leaving dining room

Anyone else hosting children please comment....is this acceptable wear and tear? Yes - YABU.

OP posts:
PegasusReturns · 05/08/2022 10:12

I’ve brought up 4 children to teens/adulthood and this is not normal. Accidents happen occasionally but this is happening because the child is not being parented properly.

That’s one thing in your own but in someone else’s is unacceptable.

hadtonameC · 05/08/2022 10:14

Lavendersquare · 05/08/2022 10:04

I'm with you about the house rules you sound very similar to me, food at the table, child in high chair etc. That said I don't think that everyone is the same and I used to watch in horror when my sister in law used to allow her children to eat meals on the sofa or do craft on the dining table without covering it first.

I think what you've got is two very different parenting styles and your hosting arrangement is unlikely to survive much longer. Sadly I would probably call it quits now before there's an almighty row and start helping her find alternative accommodation.

I agree it sounds like you should end the placement

knittingaddict · 05/08/2022 10:14

I will add that if things got damaged by me while I was staying as a guest in someone's house I would be mortified and offered to replace it. The toaster would be a case in point.

MistyRock · 05/08/2022 10:14

After living in various parts of the world different cultures have different parenting styles, and this is what you are experiencing. I would open my home for others personally as I haven't got the tolerance levels for it.

OperaStation · 05/08/2022 10:14

That level of damage is not normal at all. It sounds like the mother isn’t overseeing her child. Ordinarily I would say it’s bad parenting but I would give her the benefit of the doubt given what she’s been through.

RedHelenB · 05/08/2022 10:16

I agree with your dh. Toddlers equals mess yabu

Charlieiscool · 05/08/2022 10:16

The problem is the mother, not the toddler. You need to establish some house rules or this will break down very soon. I couldn’t put up with someone letting their toddler run riot, giving them pens unsupervised and burning kitchen equipment. I think You have to set up some clear expectations or back out. Your sanity matters and your home is your home.

MistyRock · 05/08/2022 10:16

MistyRock · 05/08/2022 10:14

After living in various parts of the world different cultures have different parenting styles, and this is what you are experiencing. I would open my home for others personally as I haven't got the tolerance levels for it.

WOULDN'T

hadtonameC · 05/08/2022 10:17

girlmom21 · 05/08/2022 10:12

What happens when you end their placement? Do they have to find a new host family or do the local council find them housing?

I'm just interested.

Show quote history

In our case we approached the local authorities (social services and housing) and they took over I don’t actually know if the family were placed in social housing or with another family. It was quite difficult for all involved . I don’t believe the scheme offers enough support for hosts

Original poster
Isthisexpected · 05/08/2022 10:19

hadtonameC

Sorry to hear that. I know if I was in someone else's home I wouldn't dream of not supervising my kids and would be cleaning up their mess and replacing things they broke.

After attending a preparation webinar we did go through a set of house rules before they arrived in the UK, so they could see what our expectations were and see if they matched. When they arrived we quickly established they agreed to whatever we said to be polite and didn't want to seem stupid but didn't really understand the translation. So we went through it all together over the first couple of months.

If your experience was upsetting your kids it just have been awful for everyone concerned!

OP posts:
CannibalQueen · 05/08/2022 10:19

I suspect you didn't toddler proof your house before they arrived. Mum's being a lazy cow tbh but who knows what she's dealing with? Too much new stuff in your house - that's not compatible with a toddler. Can you afford to rent them a room somewhere?

girlmom21 · 05/08/2022 10:22

@hadtonameC it was inevitable wasn't it, when the scheme was launched. The government said all the right things but we knew there'd be no real things put in place

joojitzoo · 05/08/2022 10:24

Yes that is normal tear and wear when you have a toddler.

When my DC were toddlers they would do all of that and more. The issue is that she is if she is leaving you to to parent the toddlers and if she isn't cleaning their mess and trying to teach them correct behaviour (won't be learnt at that age but it's a start and parenting) or apologising to you about their mess.
There are people who live in trashed homes and who don't have your same standards for cleaning or parenting. It's what happens when you open up your home to strangers, you don't know what you're taking on + the trauma + any existing MH issues + cultural differences + language barriers.
It's a terrible scheme that's not been well thought out.

Original poster
Isthisexpected · 05/08/2022 10:25

Thanks for the ideas all. We have put the new (two years old now but pristine) chairs in the shed and have borrowed some old wooden ones from the village hall as they've recently been replaced.

It's definitely a clash of expectations and styles despite doing our best to discuss it all in advance. It's been a rough five weeks to be honest. I take the point I'm definitely houseproud!

I have to get to work now, thank you for your thoughts!

OP posts:
hadtonameC · 05/08/2022 10:26

Isthisexpected · 05/08/2022 10:19

hadtonameC

Sorry to hear that. I know if I was in someone else's home I wouldn't dream of not supervising my kids and would be cleaning up their mess and replacing things they broke.

After attending a preparation webinar we did go through a set of house rules before they arrived in the UK, so they could see what our expectations were and see if they matched. When they arrived we quickly established they agreed to whatever we said to be polite and didn't want to seem stupid but didn't really understand the translation. So we went through it all together over the first couple of months.

If your experience was upsetting your kids it just have been awful for everyone concerned!

In theory it was a good idea in practice it was awful and just no real support. I have a friend who had some similar issues although they managed to resolve the problems and the arrangement is still in place. I’ve seen a lot of threads as well with people struggling.

i don’t think really it’s the fault of either guest or host I think it’s a lack of support, mismatched expectations and unexpected cultural differences

HOTHotPeppers · 05/08/2022 10:28

I think alot of people have gone into this with their eyes firmly shut, expecting to be the hero of the hour and the families eternally grateful. Whilst not great, I'm not sure how up to scratch my parenting would be if I'd just watched family and friends murdered infront of me, worried for my families safety and lost everything I've ever known.

SushiShopSearch · 05/08/2022 10:29

The mother is not doing her job. She's not even trying.

HOTHotPeppers · 05/08/2022 10:29

I say this as someone who did not open up their home as I couldn't have coped.

joojitzoo · 05/08/2022 10:29

Op: Sorry to hear that. I know if I was in someone else's home I wouldn't dream of not supervising my kids and would be cleaning up their mess and replacing things they broke.
Yeah but that's YOU. You can feel sorry for someone, empathise with them, want to help them practically and financially but it doesn't mean you will get on well as housemates or have the same outlook on life.
Did you honestly not think of any of this before hosting?
Because it was very obvious to me how it will unfold as soon as I heard of this scheme.

Charlieiscool · 05/08/2022 10:31

There’s nothing wrong with being house proud. I think the poster asking if you can afford to rent a room for them is being ridiculous. You have done a great deal for them already by sponsoring them and getting them out to a safe place. You have opened up your home to them. If they are impossible to live with them then the council have to move them. Placements do break down sometimes, you have to be able to maintain a happy home for your own family and if your guests make that impossible then it has to stop. You have done your best.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 05/08/2022 10:33

Aquamarine1029 · 05/08/2022 10:04

Sometimes the mum will stay upstairs letting the two year old run amok downstairs until I intervene.

I would not be having that at all. This arrangement isn't working for you.

Toddlers are toddlers and this is standard toddler behaviour.

But there is no way I'd let the mum stop her parenting or let you take over, as it's her child which she should be parenting whilst they're staying with you.

Sunnysideup999 · 05/08/2022 10:36

I don’t think this is normal.
burning the toaster isn’t wear and tear - it’s carelessness (and could have been very dangerous).
a child taking off its nappy and weeing on the sofa is not wear and tear. It’s unhygienic and just shows poor supervision/ parenting .
good luck OP - I don’t think this arrangement is working for you at all

grey12 · 05/08/2022 10:37

achillestoes · 05/08/2022 09:59

It’s stuff that happened in my house when I had toddlers. It’s not really about ‘wear and tear’ - kids wreck stuff, don’t they? But it sounds like the arrangement might be too much for you.

Kids wreck stuff, true, but that seems a bit out of control..... especially in someone else's house!!! I would have been much more careful. Have they tried to clean it up?

AnuSTart · 05/08/2022 10:37

OperaStation · 05/08/2022 10:14

That level of damage is not normal at all. It sounds like the mother isn’t overseeing her child. Ordinarily I would say it’s bad parenting but I would give her the benefit of the doubt given what she’s been through.

This!!!

I have had 5 kids of my own and at no time would this stuff have been happening!
The fact that this level of damage is considered normal says an awful lot about families nowadays imo.

This woman is not parenting and is not respectful of your home. I would request that the placement ends. She is from Ukraine (a country I know fairly well) not the arse-end of nowhere where this stuff may be normal. She could be doing better.

Musti · 05/08/2022 10:37

We each have different standards. I also didn’t allow food anywhere other than at the kitchen table , messy stuff was in the kitchen and conservatory etc.

one of my kids did draw on a wall once.

it sounds stressful op and I think you’re going to struggle to relax in your own home.