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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this normal wear and tear? Ukrainian hosting

251 replies

Isthisexpected · 05/08/2022 09:55

Hosting a Ukrainian family. Difference of opinion between me and my husband. I feel our house is getting trashed because the mother is too hands off parenting and leaves us to tell her toddler "no". We have been clear about things such as no climbing on the furniture, child must be clean before leaving the dining room and no food in the lounge etc but I basically feel I have to be the parent. Sometimes the mum will stay upstairs letting the two year old run amok downstairs until I intervene.

My husband says it's wear and tear and part of opening up our home. Some examples:

Brand new books for our youngest, ripped.
Biro and felt tip on the walls and tables
Toaster left too close to gas hob and melted
Food stains on the new dining chairs because I am not there for every meal to keep saying "no the wooden ones are for you"
Wee on my new sofa (child climbed on and took nappy off)
Food stains (red Borscht) on lounge carpet as child wasn't clean before leaving dining room

Anyone else hosting children please comment....is this acceptable wear and tear? Yes - YABU.

OP posts:
Whippetquick · 05/08/2022 12:01

Lazy parenting sounds like to me

alltheevennumbers · 05/08/2022 12:03

Josette77 · 05/08/2022 11:49

I think most on here have zero understanding of trauma and the brain. Both her and her toddler are dealing trauma. That changes everything. The ignorance on here is astounding.

This with bells on.

rightonthyme · 05/08/2022 12:05

No it's not normal W + T. No I don't think you're being unreasonable. But I do think the mum and child are still extremely traumatised and it's impacting the mum's ability to step in. I guess the ways around it are to end hosting or breathe and let it happen - stuff can be replaced (I know you shouldn't have to do it but still). You're providing a stable home for this family (your rules are actually a valuable part of that) and for that I commend you.

QOD · 05/08/2022 12:05

my friend had a very similar experience. The mother and daughter broke off a kitchen cupboard door, broke a lock on a door and stained a carpet.
It was hard to explain how to do things or how not to due to language barrier and fear of "nagging"
There were other things too like always boiling the kettle full up and putting the dishwasher on to wash 5 cups
I think it's probably "normal" but you can't communicate easily to ask them to abide by your own house rules
Is there a group you belong to with others? can you maybe try to have a translated chat?

I have to say that after my friends failed stay, I wouldn't host now. They didn't like the schooling or shops or area. Was very stressful and my friend didnt even get any money until 7 weeks after their stay

Rowen32 · 05/08/2022 12:14

Isthisexpected · 05/08/2022 09:55

Hosting a Ukrainian family. Difference of opinion between me and my husband. I feel our house is getting trashed because the mother is too hands off parenting and leaves us to tell her toddler "no". We have been clear about things such as no climbing on the furniture, child must be clean before leaving the dining room and no food in the lounge etc but I basically feel I have to be the parent. Sometimes the mum will stay upstairs letting the two year old run amok downstairs until I intervene.

My husband says it's wear and tear and part of opening up our home. Some examples:

Brand new books for our youngest, ripped.
Biro and felt tip on the walls and tables
Toaster left too close to gas hob and melted
Food stains on the new dining chairs because I am not there for every meal to keep saying "no the wooden ones are for you"
Wee on my new sofa (child climbed on and took nappy off)
Food stains (red Borscht) on lounge carpet as child wasn't clean before leaving dining room

Anyone else hosting children please comment....is this acceptable wear and tear? Yes - YABU.

I would be appalled if my children did any of those things... Bar the tearing of books, that can literally happen in two seconds but all the other things wouldn't have happened if they'd been supervised, cleaned, put sitting in the right place etc so I'm totally with you and there'd have been no issues like that when I was small either as we were supervised and told what we could and couldn't do and behaved. I would be having strong words with her and telling her it's totally unacceptable for this damage to be happened and she has to keep the child supervised. I'm so sorry, I would be so upset and if my child did any of that in someone else's home there's no way I would even need it said to me, I'd be apologising and paying for the damage..

Baaaaaa · 05/08/2022 12:15

Toddlers do cause carnage left to their own devices, but it is perfectly reasonable to say child not allowed to stay downstairs unsupervised.

Be blunt, you shouldn't have to put up with this.

Rowen32 · 05/08/2022 12:15

I don't think trauma has anything to do with it, the child is 2, when he's downstairs she needs to be downstairs with him. It's not hard to remember he sits on the wooden chair for example..

RuthW · 05/08/2022 12:17

No acceptable and certainly not wear and tear.

woodhill · 05/08/2022 12:20

Sounds a nightmare and not acceptable

Especially the drawing with pens on walls

Hobbesmanc · 05/08/2022 12:21

HOTHotPeppers · 05/08/2022 10:51

Alot of people are judging this lady based on how she would react in normal circumstances. Imagine potentially your own child had been murdered, very brutally infront of you. And then your husband was too. You've lost contact with your mother. No idea if she's dead or alive. Would you still act the same way?

This hyperbole just isn't needed. Of course some of the refugees have experienced horror. But many haven't and the vast majority are assimilating well and hopeful enriching their host as well as having a safe and welcoming haven.

I'd hope that anyone having survived such trauma would have access to some professional support- not left with a volunteer host.

Hosts should be recognised for the altruism of their actions. It's not unreasonable to have some expectations of behaviour and conduct. Sadly the lack of infrastructure and support mans that lots of placements are failing. And honestly how many posters guilt tripping the OP are actually hosting themselves?

woodhill · 05/08/2022 12:25

I wouldn't want to host tbh, I get stressed out when dgd comes and then wees on my carpet

Yes she must be traumatised but ooh some of the things described are not on

saveforthat · 05/08/2022 12:26

CuriousCatfish · 05/08/2022 10:07

I think people should have gone into hosting with their eyes open.

This. There have been a number of threads where the hosts are a bit taken aback by the guests behaviour. A bit naive imho

925XX · 05/08/2022 12:28

No matter what nationality I could never do what you are doing as I would be driven mad with the mess!

Tessasanderson · 05/08/2022 12:28

I havent read all the way through but those claiming this is normal for a 2 year old must live in a different world to the one i live/lived in.

I parented my kids. If they were playing with a pen, i would be there to ensure they had some paper in front of them to write on, not my fucking walls. If they ate any food (A 2 year old doesnt get free access to food) it was because i gave it to them and i made damned sure they ate it in a manner that either i was prepared for the mess or they didnt make a mess in the first place. Piss on seats, no chance. A melted toaster, nope i have never witnessed that happening and i would go apeshit if it happened in my house.

Of course kids should be kids, they are not robots. But parent need to be parents and make sure they are given the environment to thrive without destroying your fucking house.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/08/2022 12:30

Ah, I think the issue is, you’re not set up for a toddler.

Toddlers can cause havoc quickly and constantly.

The problem is, usually when you have a toddler you’re in your own home and can have everything toddler proof. This woman would have to be constantly “on” and policing her child to meet your standards. You just wouldn’t have that in the normal run of things - you’d have times when you could switch off. Plus as others have said she’s just come through terrible trauma which is exhausting .

Now it was extremely kind of you to open up your home to others. That’s a wonderful thing. I confess I haven’t been able to do this, as I don’t really have a spare room (I do but it doesn’t meet the minimum size requirements). So can’t really preach to you, but it doesn’t sound that unusual for a toddler.

incognitodorrito · 05/08/2022 12:31

I think OP realises that it’s normal toddler behaviour, what’s not normal is the child‘s parent using OP as free child care, the mum needs to step up and ensure their child can’t run amok in OPs house. Yes I also have a very wild 3 year old and older kids.

CuriousCatfish · 05/08/2022 12:32

'how many posters guilt tripping the OP are actually hosting themselves?'

Perhaps they are not hosting because they knew it would be a very difficult thing to do? And there would be many many problems they couldn't to cope with?

Thehop · 05/08/2022 12:33

I can’t believe anyone thinks this is normal kids stuff. I’ve had my own and am a childminder and NEVER had this!

HMSSophia · 05/08/2022 12:34

HOTHotPeppers · 05/08/2022 10:28

I think alot of people have gone into this with their eyes firmly shut, expecting to be the hero of the hour and the families eternally grateful. Whilst not great, I'm not sure how up to scratch my parenting would be if I'd just watched family and friends murdered infront of me, worried for my families safety and lost everything I've ever known.

This

HOTHotPeppers · 05/08/2022 12:34

Hobbesmanc · 05/08/2022 12:21

This hyperbole just isn't needed. Of course some of the refugees have experienced horror. But many haven't and the vast majority are assimilating well and hopeful enriching their host as well as having a safe and welcoming haven.

I'd hope that anyone having survived such trauma would have access to some professional support- not left with a volunteer host.

Hosts should be recognised for the altruism of their actions. It's not unreasonable to have some expectations of behaviour and conduct. Sadly the lack of infrastructure and support mans that lots of placements are failing. And honestly how many posters guilt tripping the OP are actually hosting themselves?

Show quote history

For many families this is the reality. If you think this is hyperbole you really shouldn't comment on this thread as you have literally no idea what many of these women have been through. And no in many cases there isn't the professional support in place, they are indeed being left with volunteers.

woodhill · 05/08/2022 12:34

Plus the money offered by the government isn't enough imo unless you must end up subsidising them

Especially the heating issues

Dajeeling · 05/08/2022 12:53

This was quite honestly the most stupid and ill-thought out scheme going. You do sound a nice person OP but I can’t bring myself to have much sympathy for this situation. Anyone who has left been forced to leave their house/ job/ family from a war zone to come and live in a stranger’s home abroad is never going to be the best version of themselves (and they could have been an arsehole beforehand, who knows). Like I say, a very rushed and badly considered scheme.

TowelChair · 05/08/2022 12:54

I’d be upset at the mother too. She isn’t supervising her child properly.

How long did you sign up for? I have no idea how the scheme works. Presumably there’s an end date for hosting. Sit down with the mother and say for the next x weeks etc you need to agree how everyone behaves etc.

NotMyselfWithoutCoffee · 05/08/2022 12:55

My toddler is 2.5 and the only thing I've had happen is ripped books but that's from being unsupervised.
Op you need to get tough and say to the mother she has to supervise her child and follow the rules otherwise you will have to kick them out.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 05/08/2022 12:56

Isthisexpected · 05/08/2022 10:06

Yes I have children and have never had stained carpets or pen stains on my walls or furniture before hence asking for the experiences of other hosts.

How are you all finding it? We're getting there with all of their documentation and appointments etc but the cultural differences in parenting are tricky. I had no idea that they would have no bedtime. Should definitely have checked that.

I'm not hosting.

However, I don't think there is that much cultural differences in bringing up/parenting children.

Off the top of my head I've got Polish and Bosnian friend who've got or had young children. They're more or less the same as English parents with parenting and they definitely do have bedtimes!

I know Ukrainians aren't Russians (but they were obviously until the Ukraine gained independence), maybe the linked article helps a bit:

blogs.transparent.com/russian/what-are-russian-parents-like/