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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this normal wear and tear? Ukrainian hosting

251 replies

Isthisexpected · 05/08/2022 09:55

Hosting a Ukrainian family. Difference of opinion between me and my husband. I feel our house is getting trashed because the mother is too hands off parenting and leaves us to tell her toddler "no". We have been clear about things such as no climbing on the furniture, child must be clean before leaving the dining room and no food in the lounge etc but I basically feel I have to be the parent. Sometimes the mum will stay upstairs letting the two year old run amok downstairs until I intervene.

My husband says it's wear and tear and part of opening up our home. Some examples:

Brand new books for our youngest, ripped.
Biro and felt tip on the walls and tables
Toaster left too close to gas hob and melted
Food stains on the new dining chairs because I am not there for every meal to keep saying "no the wooden ones are for you"
Wee on my new sofa (child climbed on and took nappy off)
Food stains (red Borscht) on lounge carpet as child wasn't clean before leaving dining room

Anyone else hosting children please comment....is this acceptable wear and tear? Yes - YABU.

OP posts:

achillestoes · 05/08/2022 09:59

It’s stuff that happened in my house when I had toddlers. It’s not really about ‘wear and tear’ - kids wreck stuff, don’t they? But it sounds like the arrangement might be too much for you.

girlmom21 · 05/08/2022 10:01

I think some of that's to be expected and you shouldn't have really offered to host a toddler.

Where did they get the pen from?

CuriousCatfish · 05/08/2022 10:01

It's what two year olds do. Do you have children yourself?

Maireas · 05/08/2022 10:02

You've got a toddler living with you, that's what it's like! They're not going to check which furniture is "for them".
I agree with pp, though. It sounds a bit much for you - have you negotiated them leaving?

CuriousCatfish · 05/08/2022 10:02

Oh sorry, just re read your OP. Surely you must know how two year olds act?

Putonyourshoes · 05/08/2022 10:03

I wouldn’t call your examples ‘wear and tear’ but they’re definitely things to be expected when there’s a two year old living in the house. I think if things like scribbles on walls and ripped books are causing you upset then you’re not an appropriate home for a toddler.
The toaster left to close to the hob I assume wasn’t the toddlers doing either so I’m not sure why that’s been lumped in the same category.

mycatisannoying · 05/08/2022 10:03

I enjoyed the toddler stage but also remember it as a stressful time, as I'm quite uptight about house stuff. I'd find this difficult to deal with OP, particularly if the mother is being too hands-off.

naomi81 · 05/08/2022 10:03

It is what toddlers do, but melting toaster isn't normal. We've got a great hand held vax carpet/fabric cleaner, would expect the mum to try and keep on top of accidents. For example we need new dining chairs but no point replacing them until she's bigger, it's hard work.

BryceQuinlanTheFirst · 05/08/2022 10:03

I mean toddlers do create loads of mess but that doesn't make it less annoying for you. My mum is hosting and she would be stressed if this happened to her house. I think the mum should be more respectful about the food situation

Aquamarine1029 · 05/08/2022 10:04

Sometimes the mum will stay upstairs letting the two year old run amok downstairs until I intervene.

I would not be having that at all. This arrangement isn't working for you.

Lavendersquare · 05/08/2022 10:04

I'm with you about the house rules you sound very similar to me, food at the table, child in high chair etc. That said I don't think that everyone is the same and I used to watch in horror when my sister in law used to allow her children to eat meals on the sofa or do craft on the dining table without covering it first.

I think what you've got is two very different parenting styles and your hosting arrangement is unlikely to survive much longer. Sadly I would probably call it quits now before there's an almighty row and start helping her find alternative accommodation.

SalviaOfficinalis · 05/08/2022 10:04

That’s probably things that would happen to most parents with toddlers over a period of time.

I suppose the difference is that if you had toddlers yourself you might not have got a new sofa/chairs that can be stained etc as you’d be expecting some mess.

ILoveYoga · 05/08/2022 10:05

Unfortunately it would appear that what is normal wear and tear for you and your guests are different. Through the years, Ive seen friends/family allow their children to do things that we in our family would never even think of doing/was never even attempted by our children.

I think you should have the mum attempt to clean these things up so she’ll learn it is not acceptable in your home. Also trying to mitigate damage by covering up furniture, chair seats etc. I don’t think you’ll be able to solve this completely though

no not normal wear and tear for certain households.

Original poster

Isthisexpected · 05/08/2022 10:06

Yes I have children and have never had stained carpets or pen stains on my walls or furniture before hence asking for the experiences of other hosts.

How are you all finding it? We're getting there with all of their documentation and appointments etc but the cultural differences in parenting are tricky. I had no idea that they would have no bedtime. Should definitely have checked that.

OP posts:

maranella · 05/08/2022 10:06

The accident on the sofa, the food on the furniture, the books getting ripped - all normal IME. I had two toddlers and all these things happened at some time or other. However, the mother just staying upstairs and letting her toddler run amok downstairs is not okay - she is the mother and she should be watching him - he's not your responsibility. Presumably she's the one responsible for the toaster too - that's not good enough. She sounds lazy, slovenly or possibly depressed and a bad match for you, who is clearly someone who is houseproud. You shouldn't expect that having a toddler in your home though will result in it remaining pristine. Toddlers wreck things and make a mess - it's what they do.

Georgeskitchen · 05/08/2022 10:07

It's fairly typical behaviour of a 2 year old child whose parent allows him/her to run amok. You need to stress to her that she must be present at all times to monitor her child . It's not your job!!

CuriousCatfish · 05/08/2022 10:07

I think people should have gone into hosting with their eyes open.

CrapBag39 · 05/08/2022 10:09

Yes sounds like normal (albeit annoying) toddler stuff apart from the toaster (adult carelessness) however a lot of it could have been lessened or prevented if the parent was supervising.

SarahSissions · 05/08/2022 10:09

It sounds like you are very house proud which is not at all a bad thing, but then that has conflicted with you trying to be kind and open your house up to a woman and toddler.
I don’t think anyone is unreasonable here, just incompatible. I think you need to suck it up for now, and put some of the cost of living payment you get from the government aside to pay for a deep clean when they leave-carpet cleaners and a handyman to touch up the paint etc

IndigoNZ1 · 05/08/2022 10:10

Many of these problems are common if a young child is unsupervised, but I would have thought the mother would make more effort to supervise, especially if they’re guests in your home - have you pointed out all this damage to her?

Buttons294749 · 05/08/2022 10:10

I comsider my kids to be pretty unruly (and i am still at the toddler stage!) And i think this is unacceptable especially with just one to watch. The dining chair bit - can you get cheap ones off facebook and put your nice ones away for now?

hadtonameC · 05/08/2022 10:10

We had a very, very similar situation and we had to end the placement very abruptly it was not possible to continue without me and the dc becoming unwell from stress. I was constantly clearing up after the dc and my dc we’re getting their things taken and broken and were upset in their own home

Original poster

Isthisexpected · 05/08/2022 10:12

Ah yes the toaster isn't about parenting or wear and tear - it was an accident. But I felt an example of just not really being "with it" ... ie pretty obvious to me you don't give a biro to a toddler and let them walk off with it or leave plastic to melt.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 05/08/2022 10:12

hadtonameC · 05/08/2022 10:10

What happens when you end their placement? Do they have to find a new host family or do the local council find them housing?

I'm just interested.

knittingaddict · 05/08/2022 10:12

I have two children (now adults) and all of those things happened in their toddler years, so I would say that it's fairly normal. I had not choice but to get through those years if I wanted children. I couldn't foster them out from age 1 - 3, so I accepted it.

I think the difference is that you do have a choice about hosting this family and it's causing you upset. To be fair I would struggle to tolerate that behaviour from people I didn't know even though I would accept it from my own children. I don't think it's kind of me, but it is honest.

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