Is this normal wear and tear? Ukrainian hosting

[Isthisexpected]

Hosting a Ukrainian family. Difference of opinion between me and my husband. I feel our house is getting trashed because the mother is too hands off parenting and leaves us to tell her toddler "no". We have been clear about things such as no climbing on the furniture, child must be clean before leaving the dining room and no food in the lounge etc but I basically feel I have to be the parent. Sometimes the mum will stay upstairs letting the two year old run amok downstairs until I intervene.

My husband says it's wear and tear and part of opening up our home. Some examples:

Brand new books for our youngest, ripped.
Biro and felt tip on the walls and tables
Toaster left too close to gas hob and melted
Food stains on the new dining chairs because I am not there for every meal to keep saying "no the wooden ones are for you"
Wee on my new sofa (child climbed on and took nappy off)
Food stains (red Borscht) on lounge carpet as child wasn't clean before leaving dining room

Anyone else hosting children please comment....is this acceptable wear and tear? Yes - YABU.

This explains it beautifully. This is a government problem they have put on the backs of normal families. It was not fair and you are made to feel like you have 'failed' when it inevitably goes wrong.

I know eight families through various channels who have hosted refugees, six of them have already ended due to difficulties including one physically reprimanding a host's child, another due to theft, another due to incredible hostility and a further three simply due to cultural differences. I repeat - this is not your fault, please don't feel guilty.

To the poster who said along come all the perfect mothers with perfect children away with your nonsense. I would say along come normal people who set boundaries for their kids, enforce rules and raise respectful kids. Yes there may be an odd lapse or poor behaviour but not as standard.

I totally understand the view that if we were guests in their home we would be treating their kindness and their home with respect.

As someone who is hosting a teenager (18) it has been somewhat easier but not without difficulties and whereas with my own kids there can be consequences there can't be with the guest.

A lot of time and effort is spent welcoming the Ukraininan guests into our homes and people who aren't hosting have no idea of the obstacles faced, the lack of council and government support.

Those who have taken more than one person into their home or families with young kids I applaud you. In the FB support groups there are some very sad tales and some lovely ones too and it has been very much the luck of the draw even if you chat first etc with promises made and assurances given that they will comply with house rules etc which go out of the window once here.

I would suggest asking,OP, her intentions as to how she will be moving on at the end of the 6 months, give appropriate notice and let the council know you won't be extending the hosting period past that date.

You have done a kind and loving thing but it is not part of the deal to be unpaid childcare.

Take care of yourself and your family. It is not a failure to have provided a place of safety but to pass the reins to the council at the end of the 6 month hosting period committed to or even earlier if the relationship has broken down.

The op asked for other hosts experiences. There seem to be a lot of posts from people with views of the situation who haven't hosted. Given that, if we were suddenly all to become refugees, there would be so be mums who were strict with toddlers,some the opposite and all in betweens. The degree of our trauma would also vary as would how we dealt with it.

Season finale is a good supportive post

I think maybe the mum is not very present because she's traumatised. And maybe families aren't expressing gratitude because they can't come to terms with being dependent on goodwill when they had a similar comfortable life in Ukraine.

I think you were great to step up and help them and I think you are entitled to ask them to prepare to move on. Your husband sounds lovely but I'm with you that these things are not normal wear and tear.

I just don't think k I'd be cut out for hosting for similar reasons to you, but I really respect you for doing it

I am sure many hosts are having the same thoughts. It’s tough hosting family, for a few days but months on end for strangers from another culture must be a real challenge. Unless you are a very laid back type of person. I take my hat off to you for trying, I know I couldn’t cope with it. Good luck.

My two year old was an absolute nightmare at that age.

I mean my child was a nightmare when she was two, she’s not two now 🤦🏻‍♀️

Kids do break things and mess things up so it is general wear and tear but it’s still heartbreaking.

I remember only buying 2nd hand things when mine was little just so it didn’t matter as much.

I personally wouldn’t have taken in anyone with young children as they are difficult, messy, loud and active all of the time.

If they were normal guests then I’d think YANBU but this is their home just as much as yours right now and you are getting paid for that very reason. So YABU.

I would not be doing any parenting though as that is her job as she is less likely to get involved if you’re already doing it.

I think things like this are to be expected when you take in refugee families who have gone through the trauma of leaving behind their family and friends and almost every aspect of their life, who have seen awful things happening in their country and who are trying to navigate a new culture and language whilst living with stress and uncertainty of not knowing whether the people and places they left behind will still be there when they return and not knowing when or even whether they will be able to return.

This. There's an astonishing lack of empathy and imagination on this thread. At best this woman is in a foreign country and culture, with little understanding of the language, having lost her home and most of her possessions, and is writing her partner, who she must be desperately worried about. I don't know how I'd me acting in that situation. I can barely imagine.

So many people, with the best of intentions, seem to have taken people in without really understanding the effect displacement and loss of family and partner will have on sometimes behaviour and mental health. If we had to suddenly move in with our next door neighbour for six months it'd be really hard. Add in trauma, language difficulties and displacement, and you have a recipe for disaster.

Writing= lacking

I am sure many hosts are having the same thoughts. It’s tough hosting family, for a few days but months on end for strangers from another culture must be a real challenge.

Surely people thought about that before doing it though.

Many people take in overseas students, foster or have placements for young mothers and babies so it’s not uncommon for people to share their homes but they think long and hard about it before signing up.

I think too many people saw the money and thought it was an easy way to make some cash and thinking it’ll only be a couple months, now they’re getting fed up.

Yes I wouldn’t allow that with my own 2 year old and would be annoyed.

Things like biro or wee on sofa sound like an accident. but letting them into living room with food on hands to stain things or on fabric chairs to eat without covering with a towel (or using wooden) aren’t.

So whilst people do things differently in each house, if you clearly explained the last few months that you don’t allow food in x room or similar then that should be adhered to.

I'm trying to imagine what it's like for this woman and her toddler. What a desperate situation for her, and not of her making. Does she need more help and support with the little one?

No it is not what two years old do. It is what unsupervised two year olds might do. This woman is not parenting her child.

She needs to stop being upstairs and her child downstairs. You offered them a home, not child minding.

'This woman' is probably a very traumatised woman. The way some of you speak about refugees is nothing short of disgusting.

Have a bit of bloody empathy.

Sounds like your babysitting rather than hosting

I think most on here have zero understanding of trauma and the brain. Both her and her toddler are dealing trauma. That changes everything. The ignorance on here is astounding.

If this is the case then you would think that she would be even more careful for her child, want him near her etc. We are all just putting our points across as let's face it no one really knows.

Difficult one accidents like this do happen with young dc but you shouldn’t feel you have to parent. At the same time the woman you are hosting probably cannot maintain guest like vigilance the whole time - although she should parent

You have done a hugely kind thing though and if you need to feel less like you’re doing parenting then I’d see what you can do

No that is not Norma wear and tear that is unsupervised poor parenting of toddlers

It's neglectful for your guest to let her DCs freely roam and trash your house. You will have committed to 6 months is that nearly that now? Give notice to convince with the end of 6 months exactly and contact the local housing authority to say you can't have them to stay longer as she is letting her toddlers trash your home as is not watching them & leaving her DCs unsupervised. Drawing on walls is never ok. It happens once by accident but then you watch and supervise & ensure all pens are away and you apologise and help clean up the damage. That's not a cultural difference that's shit parenting. Remove all pens etc and see if you can safety lock all your kitchen cupboards.

Return DCs upstairs to her each time she lets them roam free without her supervising them . I would never have left my 2 year olds roam around my house unwatched!!

I do agree that most toddlers are like this, however you have opened up her home to her and she should respect the ‘house rules’, otherwise it’s just disrespectful in my opinion.

If she wants to let the child ‘run amok’ in her own home, fair enough, but she should be keeping a closer eye on him in yours.

I would personally seek another arrangement for them - sounds awful and whilst you want to help people in dire situations, unfortunately you can’t sacrifice your own sanity for it.

Well I had three toddlers and never had this shit going down.

Surely the point that most posters are missing is that you have NEVER had the shit go down that this mother is dealing with unless you've fled a war and your home doesn't exist any more. How can we judge her currrent abillity to parent?!

Are we not understanding that not just something on the news? This is her real life. I'm one hundred percent sure she'd rather be cooking dinner tonight in her own home, meeting her friends and their kids in the park and going to birthday parties. The kids and her will be traumatised. They are away from everything that is familiar.

Someone mentioned do gooders, I think it's really important to question your motivations for opening your home, and work out who you wanted to feel good.

People saying its normal that's as maybe but they are in someone else's house, wheres the mother ? You don't just let kids do what they like fine if its your own house but come on its not acceptable in someone else's house. The mother should be is responsible for her kids or should be