Is this normal wear and tear? Ukrainian hosting

[Isthisexpected]

Hosting a Ukrainian family. Difference of opinion between me and my husband. I feel our house is getting trashed because the mother is too hands off parenting and leaves us to tell her toddler "no". We have been clear about things such as no climbing on the furniture, child must be clean before leaving the dining room and no food in the lounge etc but I basically feel I have to be the parent. Sometimes the mum will stay upstairs letting the two year old run amok downstairs until I intervene.

My husband says it's wear and tear and part of opening up our home. Some examples:

Brand new books for our youngest, ripped.
Biro and felt tip on the walls and tables
Toaster left too close to gas hob and melted
Food stains on the new dining chairs because I am not there for every meal to keep saying "no the wooden ones are for you"
Wee on my new sofa (child climbed on and took nappy off)
Food stains (red Borscht) on lounge carpet as child wasn't clean before leaving dining room

Anyone else hosting children please comment....is this acceptable wear and tear? Yes - YABU.

No, this is not normal wear and tear. This is the result of an unsupervised toddler and a lazy mother.

You need to re-iterate your house rules and be 100% clear on consequences if they aren't followed.

It might be normal
'Wear and tear' if it was your child but it's not right that someone else's child inflicts that damage on your property.

If I was a guest in someone else's house, I'd be hyper vigilant with my little one. You've kindly opened up your home but you presumably didn't include free babysitting services in the offer.

I think you have to set some boundaries. You're not a babysitter and you need to ensure the parent is always looking after/with their toddler. Either that or they'll have to move on.

I think if you decide to do this you have to be ok with your house being trashed. I wouldn't dream of signing up to having a random family in my home for all the things you've mentioned. If you get a family who are lazy parents you'll have no house left. Can you retract the offer and move them on? I couldn't put up with this, I have young children myself and we have very strict house rules, I'd be embarrassed if I was the parents.

Cripes feeling fortunate now that DS didn't do these things when he was 2, I wouldn't say it was to be expected although can see how some of them happen. It would make me really uncomfortable and actually pretty fuming but not sure what you can do really.

I'm assuming it was the mum who put the toaster there, and not the toddler.
Why would a toddler have access to a toaster near a gas hob?

It's a difficult balance. In your own home, you accept that occasionally walls will get scribbled on, etc, and you don't buy new furniture until they're older. When visiting someone for a weekend, you watch your kids like a hawk lest they do anything that might cause damage - but you can't maintain that for weeks and months.

Revisit the ground rules - perhaps look at any others that might be added - eg child not allowed in certain rooms unsupervised. Perhaps ask if there's any changes she'd like, so that it's not all one-sided.
You've put the chairs out of the way - look at throws for sofas and keep your kids' new things in their rooms.

No absolutely not acceptable unless you have super low standards, none of these things happened with my two boys as I was vigilant I’d be even more so in a kind strangers house!

The recurring theme here seems to be with these people ‘entitlement’ rather than gratitude and relief! They seem to think it’s a hotel rather than private homes and do gooders taking them in!

Along come the perfect mothers with their perfect children 🙄

Meanwhile back in the real world. Two year olds do cause mess.

If I was renting in the normal manner, those are all things I would expect to affect my deposit at the end of the tenancy.

Normal wear and tear is things like scuffs on the hallway walls, the carpet wearing thin where it's walked on a lot, and the toaster breaking after 5 years of usage.

BUT it's not a normal tenancy agreement and there is no deposit to claim from. Even if there was, the deposit protection services would take into account that you agreed to host a toddler, and so would allow for a higher degree to wear and tear.

How long until the end of their placement, and is there a realistic prospect of them moving on then (e.g. are they actively househunting?)

I’ve had two kids and the only one of these things that happened was drawing on a wall while my lazyarse now exh was watching the toddler while I cleaned the bathrooms and kitchen. And surely it’s normal practice to wipe a little down before they leave the table?

I’m curious what the mum’s reaction was to any of this (especially the toaster)?

'these people' ?

You mean people who have lost their homes and have a fled a war? People who don't know if they will even have a country to go home to?

Yanbu. Some people though just don’t care about their stuff as much as others. I’ve brought up 4 children. One with severe learning difficulties and with him being the exception the others have never trashed anything. The odd mark on the carpets and an incident with slime that stands out but nothing major. The mother should be supervising her child. I’d be pissed off too.

Meanwhile in the real world you don't sod off upstairs leaving others to deal with your DC.

It sounds like my house. My LO is almost 3. I have ADHD and I’m sure my LO does too.

There no point having a strict bedtime as her currently unmedicated hyperactivity means she won’t go down until she drops. Having a disability that effects your ability to sustain your attention for long periods of times is incredibly tough when you have a child who wants/needs you all the time. I’m often that exhausted I’d make mistakes like the toaster or find I’ve hidden upstairs for twenty minutes as I needed headspace to get on with the day. This is without having to cope with the emotional impact of fleeing a war torn country.

If these issues do stem from disability needs having a stern taking to her is unlikely to resolve anything and will more likely exhasberates her issues. Due to the false stereotypes that are promoted most women with ADHD have no idea that this is the root cause of their issues.

I think that would be the point for me.
If the Mother was trying to minimise mess and damage and was apologetic when it happened I wouldn't be as annoyed as if she just ignored it or expected you to parent her child

Alot of people are judging this lady based on how she would react in normal circumstances. Imagine potentially your own child had been murdered, very brutally infront of you. And then your husband was too. You've lost contact with your mother. No idea if she's dead or alive. Would you still act the same way?

I voted YANBU - it’s your house and you were kind enough to open your home to them. The least they could do is respect your property and your rules. I wouldn’t be happy either!

I must have done toddlerhood a lot different to everyone else and I've got three kids. I don't think most of that kind of stuff happened in my house at all and I'm definitely no Hyacinth Bucket when it comes to my hovel of a house. I had one single pen incident once when DD5 told DD2 to draw on a wall to get her in trouble. I took every pen away that they owned and have them such a bollocking that it never occurred again. Even their brother who was still in my tummy received the message loud and clear! All kids automatically got cleaned up before leaving the table so I didn't get stains anywhere else.

OP, for the table issue, can you purchase a small cheap chair booster and strap it to one chair, meaning the kid needs to sit in that one designated chair. Have a damp flannel on a plate at the side for cleaning him up before he leaves and ask his mum to do that every single time.

You also don't host a traumatised family and expect a two year old not to do two year old things. Or expect everyone to parent the same as you.

If the toddler is downstairs without the mother for longer than it takes her to go to the loo / have a shower, id take the toddler back up to mother and firmly (but kindly) hand them over. You're providing accommodation, not a babysitting service.
And if anyone would like to comment that mother is used to having family help, I reiterate... accommodation, not nanny. Lots of us cope without any childcare support.

It's pretty normal 2 year old behaviour - but your home doesn't sound as though it's toddler friendly. I can understand it's upsetting, but you can't expect small children not to behave like this. Either accept it and tolerate the mess/damage or ask to re-house them is probably the only answer. Toddlers are messy and destructive and have no consideration for new sofas or new dining chairs.

Well I had three toddlers and never had this shit going down.

Can you take preventative measures such as placing things out of reach, pens have to be asked for, throws on the sofa etc?

I think you should end the arrangement for the sake of your dining chairs.

Yanbu sounds like maybe mum is depressed? which is understandable however it’s not your role to parent her child maybe you could have a gentle word with her and see if she needs extra support.