To ask if anyone else hoards their 'nice' things and buys/uses new not so nice ones?

[ThatBliddyWoman]

For example-for my birthday a couple of months ago I got bought all sorts of lovely things including nice wine, nice beauty products etc

Even further back than that, for birthdays and xmasses I've been bought similar lovely things, I've got some expensive vodkas and gins, gift boxes with all sorts of perfumes and beauty products, ornamental candles, slippers, photo frames,note books, gift sets

My sister bought me a lovely miniature wooden set of drawers, each drawer containing a perfume, make up or beauty product, little candle...in 2017. I've not even opened it.

If I fancy a drink I buy myself some cheap wine or prosecco-I've got stacks of wine and prosecco given as gifts for me, in lovely bottles on top of my fridge or on shelves in my kitchen-untouched some for years. When people came over for a recent family 'do' I bought aldi gins (perfectly nice by the way!)instead of opening the other ones I've already got that are in nice ornamental bottles!

I buy cheap body lotion when I must have 50 bottles of luxury lotion in my bathroom from birthdays and xmasses of the past.

I've got so many eyeshadow palettes of various expense, but if I need an eyeshadow palette I'll get a cheap one from eBay.

WHY do I do this?! I am sure when I die there will be a load of lovely things in their boxes.

When my Grandmother died they found that she'd done the same. Boxes and bags of things she'd 'saved for best' including clothes (I don't do that at least) make up, perfumes and beauty things. BUT she was a 1920s baby, brought up in poverty. I understand that. I was born in the 80s and although we weren't rich, I never wanted for anything.

Does anyone else do anything like this, or do I have some sort of problem?

A very good friend is like this. Last Christmas I bought her cashmere socks, and she told me that the pair I had bought her about five years ago were still wrapped in tissue, unworn. It’s so wasteful.

Was there an element of you being told at some point 'there's no point getting (nice thing) for you, as you'll only ruin it' by somebody?

So you thought you had to prove you can look after things - by not using them?

I have to admit that sometimes I feel a bit put out that DP will absolutely trash something I've bought within about a week, but it's still better than him refusing to use whatever it is.

I was brought up to "save for best" and "not waste nice things by diving straight into them" and the old habit died hard. My parents don't do this so I wonder if Mum was dumping a family script on me so that she could be free to use her own nice things. I remember being shocked when I gave a schoolfriend some nice chocolates (Thornton's back when it was a premium brand) and she said, "Ooh, lovely, thanks, I'm starving!" and ploughed straight into them instead of gushing a bit and putting the bag aside for later. I've got much better over time. DH just puts new clothes etc. straight on and opens and eats food gifts, and if my children give me something they'll be like, "Aren't you going to wear it/drink it/light it NOW?"

I can see the attraction in 'saving for best / a special occasion' but no I don't, I remind myself that life is too short and I go ahead and drink the nice wine or burn the nice candle.

You'll probably find that a lot of beauty products you've had for years are past their best now, so fling those out and start over. The act of doing that may embed the fact that it's an awful waste not to us them. Next time you receive a lovely gift use it at the first opportunity.

Booze will probably be ok, but do not buy another thing until you've drunk what you already have!

Good Luck OP!

Like others, I changed my stance on this when my DM passed away unexpectedly & relatively young, I was so sad to see items she'd saved for best & ultimately never got to use & enjoy. Start to use them, a little luxury is nice & makes you feel good

I used to do this, but have stopped in the last couple of years, and now I use and wear everything. I think I used to worry about ruining an item of clothing, or using a product up, but my mindset has changed so I now realise it’s better to enjoy the items even if they do get ruined or used up, than to not enjoy them at all!

don't know where to start! With the oldest items I guess?

Here is a radical idea, a challenge if you like. Look for the one that appeals to you the most, one that 'jumps up at you'.

Pick that one.

Having cleared out first DMiL and then DM's house, I know just how heartbreaking it is to discover presents you though might make for an everyday touch of luxury, carefully laid away, wrapped in tissue paper.

DH loves to give presents, his DM said she loved perfume. Like PP, we found a whole drawer full of the bottles of perfume her had given her, completely unopened.

Pick on that appeals and use it now.

I used to. Then my grandmother (who lived to 101) told me to use the nice things she gave me, including her Wedgewood Roses dinner set.

She was a very wise woman, who grew up very poor, so knew value! What's the point of stuff just sitting there, gathering dust or going bad when you could enjoy it?

An elderly relative(95) has done this their whole life, to the extent of not decorating their home in 50 years as it's 'wasteful', having a room full of boxes of 'stuff to keep'
Now life has near passed by and no joy has been had; they're a miserly miserable person.
Saving things for best is pointless, you could be dead tomorrow, why buy more of the same albeit a cheaper version; when you have it right there.

This is me, absolutely.

I go a little further though and give them away. I would take the lovely wine etc to a party, buy cheap for me.

I would put the lovely candles and bath stuff out for friends or into holiday cottage, never ever use.

A friend might say, oh I love x, so I would give them it.

I hate receiving gifts as well, hate my birthday, hate attention.

Definitely my issue, not worthy, not good enough.

I used to be exactly the same until I got divorced 20yrs ago. The fancy canteen of cutlery was cracked open, box thrown away and the cutlery used everyday. It's still going strong!

Every gift I receive, I use and enjoy. That's why it was given to me - to enjoy! Try approaching it that way, OP. These things were given to you in love for you to enjoy. By not using them, you're denying the gift giver. And yourself!

I do this sometimes, but I used to be terrible with it. There was actually a thread on here a couple of years ago where the OP said she didn't understand why she denied herself things, even something like opening a brand new drink when she was thirsty out and about. It really resonated with me.

For me it comes partly from DM. I was never allowed to use the craft set or the stickers or the fun bath stuff because then "it'll be gone". Now I can get my DC a huge pack of stickers for a couple of quid in loads of different shops, but in the nineties (not even that long ago!) they weren't so cheap or so easy to find. DM still bristles sometimes when she sees them using their stickers or colouring with their nice pens, etc, but she's getting better because she knows we can replace them easily and cheaply. Craft sets are opened and used whenever they want, too.

I try to use my things now, but there's still that nagging feeling of "it'll be gone", sometimes. Especially if it cost a bit more than I'd usually spend, or it was something I can't easily get again.

I used to do this.
I had a wardrobe full of unworn clothes, boxes and boxes of new shoes, perfumes, make up etc etc.

But then I got sick & nearly died and figured life is too short and why the hell shouldn't I wear the new dress and the expensive perfume, even if my only plans for the day are food shopping!?

Use the nice make up, drink the nice wine. Trust me, it's worth it!

It seems disrespectful to the gift givers. Someone has thought about you and chosen something I think you will like and you are just ignoring it and leaving it to go off. That's pretty horrible when you think about it! You are rejecting their act of friendship by putting something in a cupboard until it's too old to be used anyway.

Yes - I’m the same! In my case I don’t feel I’m worth using the higher end/“nice” stuff that I’ve been given. Beautiful wine glasses still in their box, champagne from birthdays/graduation not drunk, nice makeup and smellies still in their packaging.

When my MIL died and we had to clear her house it was heartbreaking to find all the Christmas and birthday presents we’d bought her put away and never used. Like she couldn’t give herself permission to enjoy them.

As a therapist op, if you were to be pushed, what would you really think the reasons are for the way you are?

Never keep wine unless you know how to store it correctly.
It will degrade, especially white.

I rarely used my crystal glasses but I'm getting better. My cousin died in a tragic car accident 5 years ago, it puts material things into perspective.
What's a broken glass really?

Wow there are so many examples on this thread of items saved for best being left untouched.

It is sad and a very interesting topic to delve into the reasons why.

I'm pleased to see many used to be like this and are not anymore.

I USED to do this. And so much was wasted.. creams and perfumes went out of date and smelled bad because I'd kept them so long, so I couldn't use them anyway. They were beautiful and would have cost a lot of money.

Something about it for me was not feeling worthy of using it. Like I'd be 'wasting' it on myself.
Also we were poor when I was younger so if I ever got a present from someone, I wouldn't use it. I'd just save it. So I then did that as an adult with all the things you've mentioned - candles, make up, perfume, creams, alcohol and bath products etc.

I don't do this anymore. I use it. It was after someone close to me died. There was a poem read out called 'When I am old I shall wear purple'. I realised I had a favourite bottle of perfume that I LOVED but had left it unopened for about 2 years with no intention of ever using it. And I thought how sad that was. If I died and I'd never worn it.
I have also had lots of therapy.

Now, when I receive these gifts, I open them straight away. I use them and enjoy them and I know I'm worthy of them. I don't need to store them for years until I can't use them.

I also now buy some of these things myself. I still feel a bit funny about that sometimes. But I do it.

Please try it. Try and enjoy these gifts you've been given. Open one of them today! And let us know what it is! And how you feel about opening it, and using it. Sounds like you have lots to choose from! 🌸

Life is too short and whilst you may be getting cheap stuff in when people come over, like Aldi gin, it's still a considerable waste of money considering you've already got shelves of gin at home! Does knowing your home is full of beautiful/ expensive items bring you joy? Or perhaps would sharing them and enjoying them be even better? Not to mention that toiletries, especially eyeshadow palletes have use by dates so it's likely they will have to be binned now anyway.

My MIL's house is bursting at the seams, not with things she uses, but with things she keeps and it's so bloody useless. Who needs three dining sets JUST for christmas day? She worked for it, she should enjoy it, as should you!

This is so sad that you can't allow yourself to enjoy these lovely things that others have wanted you to have.

Can you make a little pact with yourself that you will use the thing next time. Just to see if you can do it and what it feels like?

We are all of the same worth.

I don’t do this. And I think if I’d bought you a lovely gift it would make me really sad to think you’d never used and enjoyed it. It would make me happy to think about you enjoying them. Would that spur you on to use / consume these things?

Look into money blocks. Denise Duffield Thomas blog very insightful

Going through a parent's things at the moment. So much nice stuff that I bought them and never used. I didn't buy it so it could be stuffed in a drawer never to see daylight again. I remember buying them a beautiful dressing gown and they said but they were an old woman and couldn't wear it. Nearly made me cry. They did eventually wear it. The dressing gown they had for wearing after their shower was totally done and had been bought off a market stall though was an M&S second.