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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did DD deserve to be told off??

603 replies

PillowFeather · 04/08/2022 20:46

My sister came around earlier. DD (9) was being quite animated dancing around in the living room. I went to make a cup of coffee and just as I walked back into the room I heard my sister say “don’t come clarting around me!”. DD stopped dancing, gave a nervous laugh then retreated upstairs to her room. I shouted up that I’d made her a drink and got no reply so I went up to find her crying. I asked what was wrong and she shouted at me to go away.

I went back downstairs and asked my sister what had happened and she said “she was doing that stupid dance around me and I can’t be arsed with it, she needs to grow up”.

DD is quite immature for her age and it doesn’t help that my niece (sisters DD) is the same age but mature for her age. Niece is spending the holidays hanging out with friends whereas DD doesn’t have any friends 😞

I can’t get it out of my head, I think DD was embarrassed and I don’t think she deserved to be told off?! Or am I being soft?

OP posts:
Rosebel · 04/08/2022 22:23

Kick boxing instructor doesn't tell them off either. He engages the kids and in the children's class if this was happening he would talk to said child and their parents rather than telling them off.
My children have just moved up to the adult class as purple belts so it's not as if the class is undisciplined but if the instructor can't engage the children then they shouldn't be telling them off.

Helpel · 04/08/2022 22:23

I agree this is heartbreaking- she's got no friends so is presumably bullied or at least excluded at school and even with her family and in her own home she's being teased and laughed at. Bless her, even if she has annoying behaviours they are hardly heinous. She should feel like her family are her safe haven. I'd limit the time spent with the oh so mature nieces as a first priority.

InattentiveADHD · 04/08/2022 22:24

PillowFeather · 04/08/2022 21:14

She was told off in martial arts for not paying attention (day dreaming, not messing around) and because she touched the piano

Have you considered whether she might be ND. Immature for her age, no friends, day dreaming and being distracted/doing inappropriate and annoying things.

Sounds like possible ADHD?

Sounds so similar to my ADHD/ASC son at that age.

Choopi · 04/08/2022 22:24

Kanaloa · 04/08/2022 22:18

@Choopi

I don’t think the dd thinks her auntie shouted at her and told her to go away. I think the auntie said ‘don’t clart round me’ and the dd ran upstairs and cried in her bedroom. When her mum (op) went up to ask what was wrong the dd shouted ‘go away mum.’ That was my understanding.

Ah sorry. I read that completely wrong Blush

stayathomer · 04/08/2022 22:24

It will be a rare child who goes through life with no friends who ends up more resilient than their peers. I've not seen one and have watched many children grow and progress in school. The ones with no friends tend to go one of two ways down the destructive route ending up in a PRU or expelled, or severe introversion leading to considerable mental health struggles, suicide attempts or school refusal
while I obviously don’t have your expertise I can’t let someone generalise about a 9 yo not having friends and would assume you only see extreme examples and not everyday ones. If you talk to most adults they’ll say they only found their people in secondary or college. Primary school, particularly for girls is a day to day thing, kids change friends at times, or don’t have friends simply because they’re not sporty or into certain crazes. You’ll actually find the ones with ‘the most friends’ are sometimes the overly dominant personalities that people follow because they don’t want to be on the outside. Any of these personalities are as likely to face the same issues

chatterbug22 · 04/08/2022 22:24

@InattentiveADHD I agree. I think it is heartbreaking to look back through the thread and see so many people finding fault in her behaviour.

Dancingwithhyenas · 04/08/2022 22:25

supersonicginandtonic · 04/08/2022 20:48

To be honest if I'd gone round my sisters house to see her and my niece was dancing around all over the place, it would irritate me too.

I can guarantee you wouldn’t be invited round to your DSis much if that was your attitude.

HikingforScenery · 04/08/2022 22:25

Not read through, OP.
Is there a chance your DD is ND? Some of the bits, especially the baby voice and lack of friends/awareness.
My initial reaction was yabu but that could be the reason.

Kanaloa · 04/08/2022 22:26

Rosebel · 04/08/2022 22:23

Kick boxing instructor doesn't tell them off either. He engages the kids and in the children's class if this was happening he would talk to said child and their parents rather than telling them off.
My children have just moved up to the adult class as purple belts so it's not as if the class is undisciplined but if the instructor can't engage the children then they shouldn't be telling them off.

So what are they allowed to say to a 9 year old who (in only a couple of sessions) regularly doesn’t pay attention and plays with a piano she knows fine well isn’t part of the average karate lesson? She takes ‘don’t clart round me’ as a telling off of such a harsh scale she must run upstairs crying and shout at her mum to go away so presumably if she managed to go back to this class it was something like ‘Milly leave the piano, we’re doing x now’ which is a perfectly normal thing to say to a 9 year old who is playing the piano in judo class.

Ideasideas · 04/08/2022 22:26

Some of these posts are quite sad. "Why was she touching the piano". "Does she talk like a baby?". As if this would then justify embarrassing a child! It's like posters want to confirm that she is indeed annoying and therefore deserves it. Erm, no.

Perhaps your DD can be annoying, or perhaps not. No one really knows but at the end of the day, should she be ridiculed or made to feel bad? Absolutely not. If your family feels she is allowed to does what she wants which results in her annoying everyone then they should talk to you about it. Not put a 9yo down ffs! Way to kill a girls confidence!

They need to grow up. Don't tolerate this anymore OP.

LizzieVereker · 04/08/2022 22:26

CrossStitch87 · 04/08/2022 21:00

Depends.

if she was dancing around in the middle of the room your sister was being a grump.

if she was right up in her face or dancing near her to annoy her or whatever then I’m with your sister.

This

Kanaloa · 04/08/2022 22:27

Choopi · 04/08/2022 22:24

Ah sorry. I read that completely wrong Blush

Show quote history

Haha I was wondering if I’d got it wrong! Obviously if the auntie shouted at her to go away then that’s different and no wonder she was crying! But from the sounds of it the dd really struggles with being told not to do anything she wants to do.

PrettyasaPainting · 04/08/2022 22:29

9 Yr old child dancing in her own house.
My dd does this all the time.
Your sister was a bit unkind to talk to her like that, it'd be different if she'd gone to visit there but in her own home I think your sister should be more tolerant - take an interest even. She wouldn't have to put up with it for long.

Minimalme · 04/08/2022 22:29

I think you should keep your dd away from your family members, niece included - they are not very kind are they?

Some kids take longer to find their feet socially and I thought her idea to play castaways was a brilliant one.

I have lots of Bruce's and nephews and help out a couple of girls who live near me who are 9 and 11. They are all different, just like no two adults are the same.

Alfenstein · 04/08/2022 22:30

stayathomer · 04/08/2022 22:24

It will be a rare child who goes through life with no friends who ends up more resilient than their peers. I've not seen one and have watched many children grow and progress in school. The ones with no friends tend to go one of two ways down the destructive route ending up in a PRU or expelled, or severe introversion leading to considerable mental health struggles, suicide attempts or school refusal
while I obviously don’t have your expertise I can’t let someone generalise about a 9 yo not having friends and would assume you only see extreme examples and not everyday ones. If you talk to most adults they’ll say they only found their people in secondary or college. Primary school, particularly for girls is a day to day thing, kids change friends at times, or don’t have friends simply because they’re not sporty or into certain crazes. You’ll actually find the ones with ‘the most friends’ are sometimes the overly dominant personalities that people follow because they don’t want to be on the outside. Any of these personalities are as likely to face the same issues

Ive never met an adult who said they were friendless in primary and found their tribe in secondary

So I really doubt it's most as you proclaim

And yes those with very large social circles aren't immune to issues in life, but they don't often present in the same way. Nor are they as common

In the past 6 years with CAHMS I've not met one child who has 'too many' friends

They're always the ones who are limited in terms of social interactions.

And during my school years they weren't 'extreme' examples, just average intakes of children. And again those who struggle socially often end up spiralling around 13/14.

Primary is where children should hone those social skills so they can make friends easily in secondary. The OP enabling this behaviour won't be helping her child in the long run, as her self esteem will be so low by the time she reaches 11-12 due to the negative feedback she is receiving - rightfully.

Her mother is failing her in this instance, and I'd bet my house that DD is an only child.

Minimalme · 04/08/2022 22:30

Nieces not Bruce's Grin

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 04/08/2022 22:30

For those saying “let her be a child”.

Being a child isn’t just about dancing around living rooms and having fun. It’s also about being aware of how your actions affect other people and learning boundaries. It’s imperative children learn these things, and no amount of fun should get in the way of this. It’s not one or the other. You can ‘be a child’ and have both fun and empathy & boundaries.

TulipDay · 04/08/2022 22:30

I found with my two that the quirky kids were looked down on at primary, but at secondary they found kids they got on with and the other kids (who'd matured a bit) were often quite fond of the quirky kids. My dd had a much happier time at secondary. She's just left sixth form.

Dalaidramailama · 04/08/2022 22:32

She didn’t get told off she was just told to stop dancing around her? Did she get to close? I would have told my niece too if she was dancing too close and I had a hot drink etc.

Teateaandmoretea · 04/08/2022 22:33

Hmmm niece and dsis sound like boring supercilious types. I am always 🙄 of people who are always moving kids onto the next level. Why didn’t she play in the climbing frame? I don’t thing that’s normal at that age, tbh.

My 10 year old constantly does gymnastics but I make her go in the garden. The biggest thing here is your dd having no friends, and it needs to be looked at a bit deeper. But it isn’t because she dances around and isn’t as ‘mature’ as her cousin. The cousin isn’t like most of the kids I know of that age.

FarFarFarAndAway · 04/08/2022 22:33

I had no friends in primary, eventually started making friends at secondary, found a definite group by about 12/14 and excelled at friends from sixth form onwards. No idea why I didn't fit at primary, I just didn't, and enjoyed playing with dolls by myself. Didn't enjoy pretend games, had no idea what to do.

Have lots of friends as an adult, it can be a skill you learn or you just find one person you gel with and take it from there.

yougotthelook · 04/08/2022 22:33

Ideasideas · 04/08/2022 22:26

Some of these posts are quite sad. "Why was she touching the piano". "Does she talk like a baby?". As if this would then justify embarrassing a child! It's like posters want to confirm that she is indeed annoying and therefore deserves it. Erm, no.

Perhaps your DD can be annoying, or perhaps not. No one really knows but at the end of the day, should she be ridiculed or made to feel bad? Absolutely not. If your family feels she is allowed to does what she wants which results in her annoying everyone then they should talk to you about it. Not put a 9yo down ffs! Way to kill a girls confidence!

They need to grow up. Don't tolerate this anymore OP.

Exactly this. She is the auntie of your dd. So what if she was being a bit annoying?
My sister would NEVER have told my dd off when she was younger, she absolutely adores her.
But if she had (and bare in mind my sister doesn't have kids, doesn't like children and prefers cats) I would have kicked her the fuck out the house.
And as for your dad WTAF?
If your dd does turn out to have additional needs or not, unconditional love from close family members should be a given.
Your sister and father are out of order.
Could you try brownies? That may help her confidence xx

Wetblanket78 · 04/08/2022 22:33

So basically told her off for being a child. Childhood is short enough as it is. They grow up far too quickly these days.

Discovereads · 04/08/2022 22:34

This is so heartbreaking. A 9 yo girl is crying in her room after being snapped at by her aunt for dancing in her own home- what should be a safe space did her, she was humiliated in front of her cousins by her grandfather because her voice is a bit high, she called “childish” or a “baby” by her cousin for having a fantastic imagination regarding islands and castaway, she is drawn to music but is told she is wrong for simply touching a piano, she has no friends and has no self esteem.

And this thread is a litany of further abuse directed at this poor girl. It’s like everyone in her life has decided she’s an annoying baby and relishes saying nasty things about her at every opportunity. Even Mumsnet of all places. What if she reads this thread?

This is horrendous. This 9yo girl hasn’t done anything wrong at all, except be her age and possess an imagination. Her day dreams are probably her only refuge and comfort in the face of such rejection from family and society. She doesn’t deserve such awful treatment.

As for what you do OP, you need to


  • stand up for your daughter. She shouldn’t be treated like this at all

  • refer her for ADHD and ASD assessment so that not only can school accommodate her but also so you and your family can get guidance on how to properly parent a ND child, because right now your DD is sinking fast. No one can withstand such constant chipping away at their psyche, the snide “don’t be a baby” comments, the constant telling off and being called “annoying”, the never doing anything right because she doesn’t get social cues like a NT person does.

allboysherebutme · 04/08/2022 22:34

I'd rather my child be a child at nine, than try to act like a nineteen year old, kids these days are made to grow up too soon. X