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Original poster

Did DD deserve to be told off??

603 replies

PillowFeather · 04/08/2022 20:46

My sister came around earlier. DD (9) was being quite animated dancing around in the living room. I went to make a cup of coffee and just as I walked back into the room I heard my sister say “don’t come clarting around me!”. DD stopped dancing, gave a nervous laugh then retreated upstairs to her room. I shouted up that I’d made her a drink and got no reply so I went up to find her crying. I asked what was wrong and she shouted at me to go away.

I went back downstairs and asked my sister what had happened and she said “she was doing that stupid dance around me and I can’t be arsed with it, she needs to grow up”.

DD is quite immature for her age and it doesn’t help that my niece (sisters DD) is the same age but mature for her age. Niece is spending the holidays hanging out with friends whereas DD doesn’t have any friends 😞

I can’t get it out of my head, I think DD was embarrassed and I don’t think she deserved to be told off?! Or am I being soft?

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 04/08/2022 22:34

It’s coming across that both your dad and sister have been quite unpleasant and short with her. An adult should be able to relate to a child without being unpleasant, it’s really their failing. Are they generally quite disagreeable/ grumpy? Some people are just like that. I would say something, especially to
your dad as he should have realised that was humiliating. The people I know like that are generally a bit selfish and don’t really care about upsetting others though. I’d try and do some try outs with other clubs for your daughter, maybe something a bit less disciplined than martial arts? Maybe run by a teacher? Or perhaps something like art/ play therapy as it sounds like she’s struggling a bit.
most 9 year olds aren’t that grown up, I think your niece is probably more so than usual and your daughter a bit less so than average so the gap seems bigger. I think there is a huge difference at 9/10/11 as some are well into puberty and some still little kids but it does narrow after that

InattentiveADHD · 04/08/2022 22:34

Oh and the "oversensitive"
reaction to your sisters comment. Emotional dysregulation is a key feature of ADHD. I have always felt that I feel things much more strongly than other people. But apparently it's an inability to regulate emotions that's the issue. What that feels like is that emotions can very easily (and often) be overwhelming and it feels impossible not to express them. I have great admiration for stoical types who appear not to react to what must be strong emotions! I spent a lot of time crying when your daughter's age. Primary years were the hardest for me and my DS.

Alfenstein · 04/08/2022 22:35

Discovereads · 04/08/2022 22:34

This is so heartbreaking. A 9 yo girl is crying in her room after being snapped at by her aunt for dancing in her own home- what should be a safe space did her, she was humiliated in front of her cousins by her grandfather because her voice is a bit high, she called “childish” or a “baby” by her cousin for having a fantastic imagination regarding islands and castaway, she is drawn to music but is told she is wrong for simply touching a piano, she has no friends and has no self esteem.

And this thread is a litany of further abuse directed at this poor girl. It’s like everyone in her life has decided she’s an annoying baby and relishes saying nasty things about her at every opportunity. Even Mumsnet of all places. What if she reads this thread?

This is horrendous. This 9yo girl hasn’t done anything wrong at all, except be her age and possess an imagination. Her day dreams are probably her only refuge and comfort in the face of such rejection from family and society. She doesn’t deserve such awful treatment.

As for what you do OP, you need to


  • stand up for your daughter. She shouldn’t be treated like this at all

  • refer her for ADHD and ASD assessment so that not only can school accommodate her but also so you and your family can get guidance on how to properly parent a ND child, because right now your DD is sinking fast. No one can withstand such constant chipping away at their psyche, the snide “don’t be a baby” comments, the constant telling off and being called “annoying”, the never doing anything right because she doesn’t get social cues like a NT person does.

Talk about not reading the OP properly

She was dancing too close to the aunt

Was asked to pack it in

Not told off

She also does talk like a baby, not a high pitched natural voice

The OP herself said she puts on a baby voice

itsgettingweird · 04/08/2022 22:35

Why does your dd and I take it you think it's normal or acceptable behaviour to be dancing around a living room disrupting adult conversation?

Ime of growing up and my friendship group it was expected children didn't interrupt the adults and certainly didn't behave in a way to be centre of attention.

A very few in our group didn't have that same value.

They got invited less and less and by the time the children were 9/10 and still couldn't have an adult conversation without them trying to be in the middle of it they weren't invited at all.

I get being immature. I get it's her house.

The only thing I'd criticise your sister for was if her dd is the same age it would have been nice for her to bring her cousin to play with her.

Alfenstein · 04/08/2022 22:36

Wetblanket78 · 04/08/2022 22:33

So basically told her off for being a child. Childhood is short enough as it is. They grow up far too quickly these days.

How is being asked to pack it in being told off?

She was asked to stop dancing too close to her aunt

Hardly told off

dapsnotplimsolls · 04/08/2022 22:36

Is there a youth theatre or drama group she can join?

InattentiveADHD · 04/08/2022 22:36

Discovereads · 04/08/2022 22:34

This is so heartbreaking. A 9 yo girl is crying in her room after being snapped at by her aunt for dancing in her own home- what should be a safe space did her, she was humiliated in front of her cousins by her grandfather because her voice is a bit high, she called “childish” or a “baby” by her cousin for having a fantastic imagination regarding islands and castaway, she is drawn to music but is told she is wrong for simply touching a piano, she has no friends and has no self esteem.

And this thread is a litany of further abuse directed at this poor girl. It’s like everyone in her life has decided she’s an annoying baby and relishes saying nasty things about her at every opportunity. Even Mumsnet of all places. What if she reads this thread?

This is horrendous. This 9yo girl hasn’t done anything wrong at all, except be her age and possess an imagination. Her day dreams are probably her only refuge and comfort in the face of such rejection from family and society. She doesn’t deserve such awful treatment.

As for what you do OP, you need to


  • stand up for your daughter. She shouldn’t be treated like this at all

  • refer her for ADHD and ASD assessment so that not only can school accommodate her but also so you and your family can get guidance on how to properly parent a ND child, because right now your DD is sinking fast. No one can withstand such constant chipping away at their psyche, the snide “don’t be a baby” comments, the constant telling off and being called “annoying”, the never doing anything right because she doesn’t get social cues like a NT person does.

Very well said. I agree completely.

Mally100 · 04/08/2022 22:37

allboysherebutme · 04/08/2022 22:34

I'd rather my child be a child at nine, than try to act like a nineteen year old, kids these days are made to grow up too soon. X

Why do people keep saying let her be a kid. She can still prance around but just have the social awareness when to do it? It's not either or? My 6yo would know better than to annoy people like this. The op said she was too close to her sister- what is so bad about telling her to move away?

MercuryOnTheRise · 04/08/2022 22:38

@Alfenstein I find your comments to and perception of only children rather offensive. I am an only child. My SILs, two of three struggle far more than I. They had an indulgent mother who is, shall I say, as one of five, rather quaint.

As the only child of two only children, we are, or were in father's case, rather more normal and perhaps better boundaries.

Wipes self down to get rid of the taint of the found only dust.

CAMHs eh. Yep says it all in my opinion. Wouldn't touch them with a barge pole after the manner in which they failed dd due to misdiagnosis and incompetence. Golly she's not even an only so they couldn't hang their hat on that one.

Dalaidramailama · 04/08/2022 22:39

@Mally100

Exactly. A 6 year old could understand this. Reading between the lines it sounds like the whole family is irritated by her.

Mississipi71 · 04/08/2022 22:39

I would be concerned that such knock backs are going to dent your daughter's confidence in expressing herself. Easy to say it is an overreaction, however, how many people does it take to be negative towards DD before her self esteem goes rock bottom? These are the kind of experiences children tend to store and revisit at some point.

TulipDay · 04/08/2022 22:40

Helpel · 04/08/2022 22:23

I agree this is heartbreaking- she's got no friends so is presumably bullied or at least excluded at school and even with her family and in her own home she's being teased and laughed at. Bless her, even if she has annoying behaviours they are hardly heinous. She should feel like her family are her safe haven. I'd limit the time spent with the oh so mature nieces as a first priority.

Agree

Alfenstein · 04/08/2022 22:40

MercuryOnTheRise · 04/08/2022 22:38

@Alfenstein I find your comments to and perception of only children rather offensive. I am an only child. My SILs, two of three struggle far more than I. They had an indulgent mother who is, shall I say, as one of five, rather quaint.

As the only child of two only children, we are, or were in father's case, rather more normal and perhaps better boundaries.

Wipes self down to get rid of the taint of the found only dust.

CAMHs eh. Yep says it all in my opinion. Wouldn't touch them with a barge pole after the manner in which they failed dd due to misdiagnosis and incompetence. Golly she's not even an only so they couldn't hang their hat on that one.

Again, I am betting this child is an only

Bears all the hallmarks

AlviarinAesSedai · 04/08/2022 22:41

I didn’t realise that clarting about was being messy/getting dirty. My DF always said it about messing about/being silly.

itwasntmetho · 04/08/2022 22:41

Sorry but I think your DD is talked about in your family, for the adults to dig her out while the kids snigger. The cousins sound self satisfied and annoying.

At these clubs does she feel got at rather than actually being told off? My child is like this too and does not commit to hobbies.

She sounds very sensitive and low in self esteem when your family are around, I used to leave the room when my older brothers would visit because they made me feel self conscious, I think the silly voices can be a way of hiding yourself, don't let people see the real you or maybe they will lay off if they see you as younger. I remember being accused of doing this, but don't actually remember doing it, or a reason why I just remember awkwardness and being deeply self conscious.

My Son has issues with his friends atm and is young in some ways for his age, he is great with younger kids though, I find he is boosted when he plays with my friends kids who are 2/ 3 years younger, they are just a bit less judgey and more on the same page. It's nice she feels confident at home to dance around and yeah your sister is mean.

Wetblanket78 · 04/08/2022 22:41

^This^

Giveoveritchingandscratching · 04/08/2022 22:42

Your sister sounds horrible! She spoke about your Dd not very nicely either, mine would never do that.
Your Dd probably felt so embarrassed, bless her 😌

mumpants · 04/08/2022 22:42

Your daughter sounds EXACTLY like my 9 year old. Is be furious of anyone spoke to her Luke that in my house.

Notanotherwindow · 04/08/2022 22:45

She was being annoying and was told not to, it seems like a bit of a storm in a teacup tbh.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 04/08/2022 22:45

I must be on another parenting planet to other people. If my child was getting in someone’s personAl space in my home, id be telling them to pack it in, not furious at the person who simply wanted a dancing child out their face and asked them not to do that.

Prinnny · 04/08/2022 22:45

Sounds like she’s got special needs, maybe seek a diagnosis and educate your family.

Algbu6 · 04/08/2022 22:45

@PillowFeather can you please clarify the term clarting around???

I know that word... I think but I wouldn't say it to my own child never mind my sisters and not in that context either.

Your sister has been harsh. Is she impatient? Because she could of asked nicely but it sounds like she just arrived and snapped. Tbh step back from your sister your own child comes first.

Kids can be hyper to see someone it's not naughty though unless you have repeatedly asked the child to stop... and they don't.

Some people are sensitive nothing can be done about that BUT it sounds like your sister shamed your DD

MercuryOnTheRise · 04/08/2022 22:46

@Alfenstein it is a grave concern if you work for CAMHs and hold such stereotypical views. It is deeply concerning if such views affect and colour your professional practice.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 04/08/2022 22:46

Clarting around just means ‘fannying around’ doesn’t it?

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 04/08/2022 22:46

Is she the same girl from a thread ages ago who was prancing around on the way home from school, and her friend quite reasonably gave her a karate chop?

OP, your sister could have handled it better, and 9 year olds should still be able to play imaginary games of castaways etc - but OTOH my DD had a girl in her primary class who was an attention-seeker (prancing around endlessly, baby voices, pretending to be a pony and asking everyone to brush her mane, etc, etc). If anyone became impatient with her, she'd burst into tears. She was an absolute PITA, and all the other children and parents thought so too. Her parents were lovely - they just couldn't see that their PFB (and only child) was monstrously annoying, and that their niceness and indulgence was actually creating a big problem for their daughter.