Did DD deserve to be told off??

[PillowFeather]

My sister came around earlier. DD (9) was being quite animated dancing around in the living room. I went to make a cup of coffee and just as I walked back into the room I heard my sister say “don’t come clarting around me!”. DD stopped dancing, gave a nervous laugh then retreated upstairs to her room. I shouted up that I’d made her a drink and got no reply so I went up to find her crying. I asked what was wrong and she shouted at me to go away.

I went back downstairs and asked my sister what had happened and she said “she was doing that stupid dance around me and I can’t be arsed with it, she needs to grow up”.

DD is quite immature for her age and it doesn’t help that my niece (sisters DD) is the same age but mature for her age. Niece is spending the holidays hanging out with friends whereas DD doesn’t have any friends 😞

I can’t get it out of my head, I think DD was embarrassed and I don’t think she deserved to be told off?! Or am I being soft?

@Phineyj @HappyBinosaur @FurAndFeathers Thank goodness! I read through all the replies worrying nobody was going to mention it, there’s still such a big lack of awareness in society about neurodiversity in girls clearly

@PillowFeather only you know your girl. Sounds very much like it could be ADHD to me, or possibly autism. Struggling to make and keep friends is a big feature of both. Being more sensitive than most at perceived or actual rejection or criticism (this is termed rejection sensitive dysphoria). Not knowing social cues. You mentioned daydreaming, which is definitely an ADHD trait. Have a read up and see if any of it resonates. It’s not a sentence or a label, it’s actually quite common- it must be, the waiting list for adult diagnosis is now 4 years in some places on the NHS. People are realising. Both are very much genetic and lots of parents only realise and get diagnosed themselves when DC are…

Just a thought, sorry if it sounds blunt. I tried to say it gently.

Either way. 9 year olds should be 9 year olds, so what if she’s dancing in her own house. Your sister sounded blunt and your dad was definitely out of line but possibly they are trying to communicate something with you and don’t know how. Hugs.

Feel sorry for the lassie to be honest. If she can’t dance around in her own house, then where can she?

and why on earth should she “grow up”? She’s 9!!!!

I guess this is another thing I don’t agree with a lot of mnetters so- 9 to me is an age you can absolutely be dancing around. I have more of a problem with people saying kids should grow up. Let them be kids! And yes some kids are sensitive because they don’t know how to react to an adult snapping at them!!

OP it very much sounds like you can’t see the wood for the trees, and that (I mean this nicely!) your daughter is actually incredibly annoying to others - even your own family - and they are losing patience. It is definitely your job to teach her not to get up in people’s spaces ‘dancing’ and that at 9 years old using a baby voice is unacceptable and it doesn’t seem like you are doing this?

Teach your daughter to ‘read the room’. It’s your job as a parent! 9 is definitely not too young to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around you.

So Where did you get shout from? See this is where you can tell posters love to throw in drama where there is none.

No one said she can't dance around

Dancing close to others to the point it makes them uncomfortable despite being asked to stop is never ok

No matter your age

I think if my 9yo was in my personal space doing it I would find it quite irritating after a few mins and probs would say something too. If at that age my child still spoke like a baby I would probs try and address it myself too as I’d equally find that annoying . I don’t think your sister was BU

And your dad is a bit of a bullying prick to be honest. He had no right to embarrass her in front of eveyone.

id be telling your dad and sister to fuck off. If you don’t stick up for your daughter, who will?

I think she sounds sweet. Your family sounds a bit hard and intolerant. You’re her mum, you should be her champion. Have a quiet, constructive word with her if you can see a specific incident where she’s annoying someone, and maybe practice some role play with her but you should be on her side always.

Is there ANY way she could learn a musical instrument? It sounds as if she might really love it and it would be so good for her self-esteem.

Why can't she be a kid before and after her aunt is visiting? Why can't she display social skills and also dance, just not to annoy others?

She has learnt in the past she gets attention when she performs or acts like a baby.

She has reached 9 now and it is no longer cute. She might be a bit late realising this or slower unlearning it, every child goes through it at some stage but it is harder for some, she'll get there. Just focus on giving positive attention for behaviour you want and ignoring the baby stuff, including the crying when all she was asked to do was stop dancing.

I didn't vote because your sister was being reasonable if she didn't raise her voice or say it nastily, but I feel for your dd. Some kids are just a bit different and they haven't yet learned to fit in perfectly. I've got one with very good social skills and one who's a bit different. She's kind though. Probably kinder than some kids who fit in perfectly. I bet your dd is too. I bet she'll find a group at secondary school. Most do. Primary school can be tougher as they are stuck with the same 30 kids and there can be a bit of a pecking order. At secondary they've got a huge year group to mix with as they're not with the same kids all the time. I hope things improve for your dd soon. I feel for her.

Tricky.
Babyish voices really are annoying and could potentially lead to mimicking and sniggering at school.

That your sister asked her to stop dancing around near her might suggest that your sister feels that enough is enough.

I'm not saying that your daughter's behaviour is right or wrong but that other family members seem fed up of it , including your dad, suggests that maybe your daughter's behaviour is , actually, annoying, to others.

Sorry.

What did you say to your dd when she said that your sister shouted at her to go away? Did you correct her as it seems from what you say your dd wasn't correct in her assessment of the situation?

To be honest you have a responsibility to guide your dd in appropriate behaviour. When you saw she was being annoying you should have guided her to a less annoying activity, come help me make drinks dd, why don't you sit down and tell aunty's about our day out last week whilst I make drinks etc. You said yourself that she was being quite animated in a small space, you should have picked up on your sisters irritation before she stepped in to say something.

The same with the baby voice, you need to step in and guide her. Making friends, teach her how, put her in situations where she has to mix, watch, see what'sgoing wrong. It isn't enough to make sad faces and say that everyone else is the problem. You need to actively work on her social skills, if she feels better able to handle social situations then she will have more confidence and perhaps won't feel the need to get attention by dancing around and talking in baby voices.

OP, I get it. This sounds like my DD - she has ADHD and is awaiting assessment for autism. I agree with some of the other posters who mentioned this - please look into this and see if any of it resonates. Some of these responses are heartbreaking and confirms for me how harshly my DD is judged by other adults.

OP in the kindest possible way I think she needs some boundaries and I think you need a meaningful conversation with the Senco when they are back at school.

Quite. I mean, call it a wild extrapolation if you will, but I've encountered quite a few women using the breathy, girly, pleading tone well beyond the age of immaturity.

They seem downright astonished when it doesn't result in people bending the rules for them or fawning over them. And it's not just a tactic employed towards men, which to me suggests both parents have been a bit wet when it comes to helping their kids adjust.

@Choopi

I don’t think the dd thinks her auntie shouted at her and told her to go away. I think the auntie said ‘don’t clart round me’ and the dd ran upstairs and cried in her bedroom. When her mum (op) went up to ask what was wrong the dd shouted ‘go away mum.’ That was my understanding.

Martial arts is very disciplined! You mess about, don’t listen you will get hurt . You can’t be wondering around day dreaming when everyone else is sparring especially around the higher grades who get really into the sparring. I would not want to train where the instructors are not on the ball and making sure everyone is safe.

Oh, and my Daughter talks in baby voices too sometimes - not for attention, but because her self-confidence is through the floor, thanks in part to being on the receiving end of unkind comments from and “looks” adults who should
know better

The fact that your sister said 'she's doing that stupid dance again', suggests that the dance is a pretty frequent occurrence. Yes kids like to dance but there is a time and place and when adults are trying to relax, have a cuppa, have a conversation is the time to take the dancing into the garden. Your sister could have phrased it more nicely but I suspect if she had said 'could you stop dancing for a little while whilst we have as it down, you might bump into us' your DD might till have felt she was being told off.

There seems to be a bit of a misunderstanding on her part as to what is a telling off. Being asked not to do something is a request which may become a telling off if the behaviour persists. Did the tellings off at martial arts consists of 'pay attention DD, don;t day dream' and ' please don;t touch the piano' (not tellings off) or were they 'why on earth can;t you pay attention, and listen you, are very rude' and 'why are you touching things you know you shouldn't, keep your hands to yourself, how many times do you have to be told' (Telling off).

I think a bit of discussion about the difference might help your DD cope a bit better.

Your Dad was unkind about the baby voice - it is annoying but he could have had a word with you, rather than humiliate her, or spoken to her privately and kindly.
I don't think the wanting to pretend to get a boat and play castaways is babyish - that seems quite normal to me, and also sounds like fun.

It seems your sister, your dad and your niece are all persistantly calling her babyish/immature needs to grow up - That to me suggests they have been talking about her and come up with this way of describing her personality. people get cast in roles in families and it sounds like your DD has been labelled the babyish one - which means that everything she does will be cast in this light, and when she does something more grown up it will be ignored or misinterpreted because the constructed narrative is that she is immature.

Like most 9 year olds, I'm sure she has times of being a bit immature and times of being quite sensible and thoughtful. Yes she probably needs to think about where and when she whirls about, but whirling about is not in itself a bad activity as long as you do it with consideration. I think it is also possible that she senses some people find her irritating and is trying a bit too hard to get their attention and to get them to like her and going about it the wrong way. Which very much suggests a lack of confidence in herself.

My neice was a bit like this as a child, in her own world, a little eccentric, found it hard to make friends, very sensitive and somewhat immature. She's now nearly 40 and is one of the sweetest kindest most thoughtful adults I know. I'd rather my child was a little bit different, a little bit socially awkward, than was someone who says nasty things to others to hurt them. If your sister, dad and neice have been discussing your DD and have all decided to keep pointing out she is immature, then they are bullying her.

I think your daughter sounds charming and your sister sounds grumpy. Some people (including posters on this thread) only like children when they are being convenient to adults, not when they are being childlike, trying things out, needing interest and support. But 9 is still young. I agree with the pp who said that she will probably find her own group at secondary. Good luck to you both!

This is quite heartbreaking to read. It sounds like she needs support. Have you thought of having some observations by a child psychologist?

Your DD was being annoying and got told to stop it. Perfectly reasonable reaction from your sister.

A 9 year old with no respect for personal space is hardly charming