Did DD deserve to be told off??

[PillowFeather]

My sister came around earlier. DD (9) was being quite animated dancing around in the living room. I went to make a cup of coffee and just as I walked back into the room I heard my sister say “don’t come clarting around me!”. DD stopped dancing, gave a nervous laugh then retreated upstairs to her room. I shouted up that I’d made her a drink and got no reply so I went up to find her crying. I asked what was wrong and she shouted at me to go away.

I went back downstairs and asked my sister what had happened and she said “she was doing that stupid dance around me and I can’t be arsed with it, she needs to grow up”.

DD is quite immature for her age and it doesn’t help that my niece (sisters DD) is the same age but mature for her age. Niece is spending the holidays hanging out with friends whereas DD doesn’t have any friends 😞

I can’t get it out of my head, I think DD was embarrassed and I don’t think she deserved to be told off?! Or am I being soft?

I’m torn on this. I don’t think your sister was very kind but do you step in when DD is being annoying or attention seeking?

I’ve known onlys (not all) who are used to being the star of the show at home and expect it when they are in a group or family setting. Sometimes parents are a bit blinded by their love and it does the child no favours.

Its not possible to say on the little info we have here but it’s worth thinking about. It would be nice for her to settle into having friends - does she need a bit of support to understand different dynamics beyond mum, dad and her?

Oh your poor DD, sounds like your sister should have just sucked it up if it was irritating her or gone to a different room and let your DD have some fun.

I’m going to be blunt and say there is a reason your DD has no friends - by that age, no one wants to be mates with the annoying kid. And by pandering to her drama you’re only feeding that annoying nature

I was a teacher for over 10 years and currently work for CAHMS

I can bet my bottom dollar I've seen and interacted with more children than you have in your tiny sample size mentioned

And my current role I get to see the long term impact

It will be a rare child who goes through life with no friends who ends up more resilient than their peers. I've not seen one and have watched many children grow and progress in school. The ones with no friends tend to go one of two ways down the destructive route ending up in a PRU or expelled, or severe introversion leading to considerable mental health struggles, suicide attempts or school refusal

I should add that DD has lots of friends and a real knack for making them. Having a few challenges doesn't doom you to be friendless forevermore! And if she'd heard another kid make that rowing boat/desert island comment she would have gone with it immediately.

It’s her house. Your sister was being unreasonable.

How is saying ‘stop mucking about’
shaming her exactly?

What does it being her house have to do with anything

She was annoying, dancing too close and generally getting in the way

Of course she should have been told to pack it in

Op everyone else can't be wrong or nasty - your family, her clubs and friends can't all be wrong. Your dd seems sensitive but you are not doing her any favours by not teaching her social awareness. Yes it is her house, but if she makes people annoyed then no one would want to come. That goes with anything - there's some things you adjust when you have people visiting. Your op states that she was getting close to your sister- your sister was perfectly reasonable to tell her to stop it around her. Along with the baby voice, it all does sound highly annoying.

Crap martial arts class then. My DDs do kickboxing and I have never (in the 3 years they've been attending) heard the instructor shout at anyone.
Your dad also sounds horrible. I know they are your family but I expect they play a big part in your DD being sensitive. I'd seriously consider going very low contact with all of them, you sister, your dad and her cousins.
With the friendship issue I'm guessing she's off school now but when she goes back ask them for support. My DD had friendship problems and they started a girls group once a week. About 4 girls in it all of whom were quite shy and didn't really have any friends. They also started a drama group for the small group.
Has she tried a dancing class?

You are heard what your sister said and did she shout at her to go away? Not really from what you've said here. Your dd's interpretation of this and other incidents might mean that she is taking things badly and a little resilience building might be a good thing for the future, especially with making friends and going to clubs.

I agree and I don’t get this ‘it’s her house’ crap. In my house, guests are treated well and it’s rude to expect them to put up with annoying behaviour.

And so what? If you want people to visit you and have company then you learn some social skills.

@PillowFeather
just a thought

ADD/ADHD presents very differently in girls than boys and is massively under diagnosed.

the dancing/fidgeting/boisterousness and daydreaming all fit.
as does the sensitivity to criticism

www.additudemag.com/slideshows/adhd-emotions-how-they-affect-your-life/

@Rosebel how is telling off the same as shouting?

The OP said her DD was told off in martial arts

Not shouted at

Its a sad world when a 9 yo can't dance in her own living room.

My nearly 9yo loves dancing. I just ask her politely to dance elsewhere if i want some peace and quiet.

She wasn’t shouted at, she was ‘told off’ for daydreaming/not listening and playing with a piano. My son does karate (to quite a high level now) and his instructor wouldn’t just stand there if a kid was playing piano in the corner of the room and not following the class. And it sounds like this particular child takes any criticism/being told to do or not to do anything as being ‘told off.’ So likely the teacher just said ‘leave that piano and come over here to join the class. That piano isn’t for playing in karate class.’

I think that 9 is quite old enough to be told to find something else to do when Aunty X gets here as she and mummy want a chat. That means you take responsibility for the behaviour for your child when visitors come or you get fewer visitors.

Asking someone not to dance around you is not unkind or unreasonable. It isn't telling off, it isn't even asking her to stop, its just asking her not to do it to close.
The castaway comment was a lovely use of imagination and one I would think is perfectly normal for a 9 year old.

OP are the same person who posted a few months ago about your DD dancing around another girl when walking home from school?

Crap martial arts class then. My DDs do kickboxing and I have never (in the 3 years they've been attending) heard the instructor shout at anyone

The OP didn’t say the instructor had shouted though, just told her off. In my martial arts class that could be a mild as the instructor just telling a kid to stop fidgeting and pay attention. Which is certainly appropriate in a disciplined activity like a martial arts or dancing class.

When that 9 year old isn't respecting personal space of a guest she should be told to pack it in

How is it a sad world for a child to be told to stop dancing too close to someone else

Sorry that should be are you the same poster. It was meant to be a question not a statement

She can dance but it’s plain rude to get In people’s faces

Your sister was sharp with your DD. Understandably she was upset. As you mentioned she is young for her age. And also lacks confidence.
What stands out for me is that your DD might benefit for an assessment by an educational psychologist. Neuro diverse children usually are developmentally 18 months to 2 years younger than their biological age.
Lack of friends can be a warning sign too.
Have you spoken to her teachers about her behaviour at school? Maybe speak to the SENCO.
Better to have an assessment and it come to a no on a diagnosis than not have a diagnoses and help/accommodations.

Whether your sister was wrong or not, it does seem she needs to learn a bit of resilience.

I am massively in the 'let them be kids ' camp but we also have to be mindful of the real world and how mean it can be.

My immature nine year old boy would prattle about trains and Minecraft and pretend to be a dog all day long. But we've had to talk about where this is fine and where it's best not to. He never mentions trains at school as he knows some of the others think it babyish. He knows it's not. He knows adults into railways but he also knows they don't get it so aren't his audience.

Similarly he can rabbit to his cousin about building his world for hours but mummy hasn't a clue what you are going on about!

You really do need to try and help her brush things off a bit easier. I was a brusque comment. You just need to say 'oh aunty x was never good at dancing, she doesn't like it. Don't you worry '. Then find a calm moment to talk about when it is or isn't appropriate