Did DD deserve to be told off??

[PillowFeather]

My sister came around earlier. DD (9) was being quite animated dancing around in the living room. I went to make a cup of coffee and just as I walked back into the room I heard my sister say “don’t come clarting around me!”. DD stopped dancing, gave a nervous laugh then retreated upstairs to her room. I shouted up that I’d made her a drink and got no reply so I went up to find her crying. I asked what was wrong and she shouted at me to go away.

I went back downstairs and asked my sister what had happened and she said “she was doing that stupid dance around me and I can’t be arsed with it, she needs to grow up”.

DD is quite immature for her age and it doesn’t help that my niece (sisters DD) is the same age but mature for her age. Niece is spending the holidays hanging out with friends whereas DD doesn’t have any friends 😞

I can’t get it out of my head, I think DD was embarrassed and I don’t think she deserved to be told off?! Or am I being soft?

@Discovereads

That was a follow on comment, not the one I was responding to.

Really showing the lack of reading ability yet again.

You gloss over where you've made factual errors, it's quite tiring.

I think in these situations you need to convince the child that you aren’t angry and that’s what matters so come out of hiding.
The niece sounds stuck up.

Absolutely nothing wrong with a 9 year old wanting to row/pretend or play on a climbing frame. The niece sounds a bit rude and a killjoy. It's ironic that the family are criticising your dd when they are the unkind and irritable ones and your dd isnt

Yes, but your advised punishments for each example are equivalent to each other in severity and tone- despite that fact that hey cunt give me a bacon roll you fucker isn’t really imho an equivalent offence to saying a perfectly correct request but saying it in a baby voice.

Its like you have a sledgehammer and it gets used for any type of incorrect speaking no matter how major or minor.

I don’t think your sister did anything wrong. Sounds like your DD started dancing too closely to her aunt so she was told to at least move away. I’ve said similar to my best friend’s kids, no one was offended and no one reacted by running off crying.

It’s not a binary choice between her acting immaturely and acting like a 19 year old, so I’m not sure why some people are treating it like that. Kids can be kids, but kids also need to grow into independent and functioning adults. Developing social skills, reading a room and understanding context are all part of that. There’s times for dancing around and indulging in whatever play you feel like, and there’s times where that’s not acceptable.

It’s all very well letting your daughter carry on as she is and never attempting to guide her for fear of her reaction, but she’s already unhappy and struggling with her peers. Interpersonal skills don’t just appear fully developed out of thin air when secondary school starts. She needs some help with that because she’s going to be the one that suffers if she doesn’t get it.

I would actually say your niece is TOO old for her age. And if she is going out by herself with her mates then your sister is giving her too much freedom/responsibility for her age.

My almost 9yr old spends half his day prancing and dancing around and the other half building dens to then curl up and read a book in.... don't see the issue with that.

I have a sister in law who likes to cause trouble with my older dd by comparing her negatively with her dd who is a year younger. It is always in ways where dd had diagnosed issue unsurprisingly. Ironically where her dd now has a diagnosis (dyslexia which my dd also has although shows in different ways) we all have to pander to her....

In terms of helping your dd have you tried Brownies? It might just be the right kind of age group for her to develop as younger girls will be 7 and she doesn't need to move on to Guides till 11ish (there is flexibility if need be). My dd flourished in Brownies and is doing amazing things in Guides!

This user seems to have a fundamental lack of understanding of how to comprehend written language so I wouldn't bother trying to reason with them.

Like playing chess with a pigeon

Sure, when you cannot defend the indefensible, it’s best to launch the personal attacks and claim the other person cannot read. I see you.

Speak for yourself on the ‘factual errors’ - after all you’re the one making up fake facts like when you said the DD was in the aunts personal space…when there is zero evidence of this and given what was said, she most probably wasn’t.

You can see why the niece is so scathing. She's probably been told off for playing or doing anything other than sitting quietly from a young age by her irritable mother

@Alfenstein
Oh dear, touched a nerve have I? Can’t formulate a response to my points and feel you are losing the debate, so what to do? I know call me an illiterate idiot that will do the trick.

@Discovereads multiple times on this thread you've either purposely or just idiotically missed what people had said, including the OP

You claimed the DD was simply using a slightly higher voice, when in fact the OP herself said it was an obvious baby voice. Which she uses around her too. Do you think you know better than this child's mother?

Not just around the mean relatives

The room was small, DD was dancing around, clearly the aunt wasn't comfortable with it so asked her to stop.

That's not telling off.

one snapshot of the niece doesn’t really provide context. We don’t really know if the niece had been on the receiving end of attention seeking behavior for hours at this point (as well as on previous visits) and just wanted to be left alone. We also don’t know the long term dynamics at play in the relationship between the two of them. We do know the DD struggles with friendships though, and it’s likely the same issues are at play when it comes to her interactions with her cousin.

@Discovereads it's hard to argue back to someone with such little understanding tbh

You don't seem to understand that saying X = Y doesn't mean A can't = Y

Using the same response to a child calling you a cunt and a child using a baby voice isn't the same as saying they're the same thing.

Saying children with no friends often spiral in secondary and some end up in the PRU due to distributive behaviour doesn't mean children with lots of friends don't end up in the PRU.

You have 0 concept on how language is used it seems and are incapable of understanding that despite multiple posters pointing it out to you.

I won't respond further as it's pointless engaging with someone like you.

Yes, but your advised punishments for each example are equivalent to each other

no. they aren't punishments. They are me laying out ways in which i will accept being spoken to. You don't have to comply, but if you want something it's in your best interests to do so.

incidentally i am the same with adults - try to order me about and you'll get a reply along the lines of "you're not my sgt major, what is it you want from me"

You're determined to make this into a huge fight about how mean and horrible i am and how fluffy and lovely you are. but it isn't that. Many people agree with me. shrug Others agree with you shrug

Bottom line: if you want something from me, speak normally. (unless as i mentioned above the situation warrants it) it is hardly rocket surgery.

@Alfenstein that gave me a good chuckle

At first I thought that what your sister said to your DD was hardly the end of the world. What she then said to you about your DD was really rude and untrue. Better off dancing round the living room than glued to tik tok and trying to be 15. And what your dad did, is downright nasty.

But I really feel for your DD. I thought the crying was an overreaction, but she just seems to be getting it from all angles, and not feeling like she fits in anywhere, not even in her own family So I'm not surprised if she can't handle the slightest perceived rejection or criticism.

I don't know the answer, but I just wanted to say that I hope she finds her place soon

That’s not the case. It’s a difference in interpretation and you keep ignoring the updates from the OP.

The OP said the DD “uses a baby voice” she never said the DD “puts on a baby voice” as you have altered that to. You’ve claimed the DD knows she is doing it, but, in fact the DDs reaction to her grandfather bullying her indicates that she likely doesn’t know she has a baby voice and isn’t purposely putting one on. But youre choosing to ignore that update from the OP and cherry pick evidence to fuel a negative narrative about this child.

The room was small, the aunt said “don’t come clarting around me” which is not asking someone to stop dancing in any way resembling a polite or nice request, it is most certainly a rude demand ergo a telling off by an adult. The fact it was intended to be a telling off is clear in how the aunt then told the OP that “she was doing that stupid dance again and I couldn’t be arsed. She needs to grow up”

Again you have ignored this evidence in which there is no mention that the DD was dancing too close to the aunt at all, from the aunts own words she told her off because it was ‘that stupid dance’ and she ‘couldn’t be arsed’. Somehow you’ve invented the narrative that the DD was dancing too close and in the aunts personal space all to justify the aunts nastiness. If the DD had been too close, wouldn’t the aunt have said so to the OP?

Your DD sounds a lot like my DD8 OP. She loves dancing around acting out plays and she does the baby voice thing and doesn't always realise she is doing it. My DD has been diagnosed with DCD and we are still waiting on some other assessments.

Your sister was BU. She shout at a little girl, in her own house, for dancing.

OP, I am wondering what your own childhood was like. Were you mocked and belittled by your dad and sister? Were you dreamy or 'young for your age'?

My DSis was 'different' growing up. We didn't mock and belittle her but my parents were (I can see now) at a bit of a loss. One of the results is she's asserted her own way of parenting strongly. It can be tricky when you have a different parenting style to your sibling and/or there are issues still unresolved from childhood.

Families can be a pain!

TLDR but I would be more worried about her having no friends than getting told off by her aunt. You might need to do some work with her on social skills and how to get on with people.

well to be fair you have invented the scenario where the DD was nowhere near the aunt.
There were 2 people in the room and neither of them is posting on this thread so it's really a moot point.

Neither do we know if the tone of the "telling off" was a sharp, mean undertone or a sigh and a pls stop type of tone. So all anyone can do is speculate.
I'll reiterate: a kid waving their arms in my face, anyone waving their arms in my face, will be told (not asked) to stop. And my tone will be friendly at first, and if there's a second time they will be in no doubt in their minds that it is not a request.

I wonder how this 9 year old reacts if a teacher tells them to stop talking in class? since we know that being told not to faff with a piano during a martial arts class didn't end well.

The DD, IMO (since i'm writing this it is my opinion but I want to be very clear here so you don't burst off on another tangent) probably needs a little more coaching in what is appropriate behaviour in some situations.

More personal attacks I see. I agree there’s no point discussing with you further as you are in the mode of deny deny deny and then attack the person who’s poked holes in your tissue paper construct.

I forgot to mention this post but your dd doesn't sound immature to me. Your niece sounds unusually older instead.

My kids and their friends never had friendship issues and wouldn't have raised an eyebrow at the castaway suggestion. They probably would have brought up something scary like Dr Who or Jaws but it would have taken something like a suggestion to play Peppa Pig that would have them saying no. It's very strange that a 9 year old doesn't fancy a climbing frame. I've seen 9 yo lacking confidence especially when a friend finds the climbing frame easier but none of my kids would have sat with me rather than go climbing at that age.

I live by the woods and my kids often played Minecraft with their friends while walking through it. They would pretend to punch a tree then carry sticks/branches as swords while collecting any interesting stones. They are teens now so walk through it with AirPods on but I have lots of photos of them at that kind of age playing.

Regarding "voices", we live in the SE. DH is from the NE. If he's talking to a Teesider his accent comes back. He doesn't realise he's doing it. I am 100% sure my DD doesn't do the baby voice after being with toddlers deliberately either.

well to be fair you have invented the scenario where the DD was nowhere near the aunt.

No I haven’t said that at all. The DD was in the same room as the aunt, that is near and all we know. What I am saying is there is zero evidence the DD was “too close” to the aunt or “in the aunts personal space”. Saying there’s no evidence of those two things, doesn’t mean I’m saying she was nowhere near the aunt. I’m saying what we do know is they were in the same room and that is all. And you can be in the same room without being ‘too close’ or in someone’s ‘personal space’.