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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Did DD deserve to be told off??

603 replies

PillowFeather · 04/08/2022 20:46

My sister came around earlier. DD (9) was being quite animated dancing around in the living room. I went to make a cup of coffee and just as I walked back into the room I heard my sister say “don’t come clarting around me!”. DD stopped dancing, gave a nervous laugh then retreated upstairs to her room. I shouted up that I’d made her a drink and got no reply so I went up to find her crying. I asked what was wrong and she shouted at me to go away.

I went back downstairs and asked my sister what had happened and she said “she was doing that stupid dance around me and I can’t be arsed with it, she needs to grow up”.

DD is quite immature for her age and it doesn’t help that my niece (sisters DD) is the same age but mature for her age. Niece is spending the holidays hanging out with friends whereas DD doesn’t have any friends 😞

I can’t get it out of my head, I think DD was embarrassed and I don’t think she deserved to be told off?! Or am I being soft?

OP posts:

Oblomov22 · 05/08/2022 03:28

You sound far too soft. She wasn't told off, she was told to stop dancing, which irritated your sister.
Just seen the bits about baby voice and not doing well at clubs. Why are you absolutely failing to address these issues? How is this poor parenting helping her develop and why are you not addressing her poor self esteem and no friends? You need to put some serious work in here.

Oblomov22 · 05/08/2022 03:35

What does her teacher say about no friends? What has been put into place to try and address this?

Has her school ever suggested any problems? ASD or slow processing or anything?

Namerchangerextraordinaire · 05/08/2022 04:23

I think your daughter was trying to engage with your sister and doesn't know how to do it.

Could you get some social stories or similar to work through with her on how to be friends and how to navigate some social situations?

Not every child gets it without a little help.

Porcupineintherough · 05/08/2022 04:49

As an aside, can people stop suggesting arts based activities as an alternative to "more disciplined" activities like sports? Group arts activities for children-music, dance, drama- require a high level of group work, cooperation and discipline. Not at a the right environment for the type of creative child that prefers doing their own thing at all (not sure if this last applies to the OPS dd just a more general point).

SD1978 · 05/08/2022 05:23

It does sound like you need to adress sone behaviours with her. She talks in a baby voice, acts quite young, and regularly gives up on activities if she feels she's been embarrassed or acted in appropriately and been picked up on that behaviour. Maybe she needs an activity you don't immediately stop if she decides they have been unfair? You probably aren't doing her many favours in the long run by always making excuses instead of helping her with solutions- and running off crying/ sulking because your sister said stop clarting about is an over reaction, and you supported it.

Itsbritneybitch22 · 05/08/2022 05:35

antelopevalley · 05/08/2022 01:31

"Being told off for being a daydreamer is normal?
Being told off for touching something that she’s curious about is also normal?"

Being told not to touch the piano and to pay attention are normal. She is nine, not three years old.

And adult women who put on a babyish voice are annoying as fuck.

But your opinion and my opinion do not really matter. What matters is the opinion of other children and they do not want to be friends with OPs DD. So carry on saying she should be herself as much as you want (what does that even mean anyway?), but if she does not learn appropriate social skills she will continue to struggle to have any friends.

The harsh reality is that if parents do not help their children to learn social skills and appropriate ways of behaving, other children do not want to play or be involved with them.

Show quote history

@antelopevalley

WOW.

OP please don’t take advice from people who don’t understand what being themselves mean, and certainly don’t teach her that all that really matters is the opinions of other children, just so that she has friends.

There’s a lot of people on this thread that seem to have forgotten what being a child is like
and don’t think that everyone isn’t the same.

wellhelloitsme · 05/08/2022 05:40

SpidersAreShitheads · 05/08/2022 00:34

I know people hate it when people suggest additional needs, but I'm another who can see red flags here. I have 12yr old twins who are both autistic - DS was diagnosed at age 4 but DD wasn't diagnosed until she was 10 and even then that took me pushing to get her in front of the right person. Girls are so, so often overlooked when it comes to being diagnosed as neurodiverse because they present in so many more subtle ways.

The unusual voice tone, difficulties with forming/sustaining friendships, sensitivity, immaturity, impulse control (ie/touching the piano), daydreaming could all point to a child who is neurodiverse. Of course, neurotypical children can all experience these things too. But I would say there is more than enough things just in your short descriptions to suggest she needs to be assessed. Do you have a SENCO at your school you could approach? That's often a good start.

She may not be neurodiverse but I would suggest that your descriptions absolutely warrant further investigation.

This is very sensible advice OP.

Tropicalsquirrel · 05/08/2022 05:50

Your family sound unkind. Why was your Dad trying to humiliate your daughter? Why was your sister so unpleasant to her? Why is your niece being mean? And why are you putting up with it?

georgarina · 05/08/2022 05:50

DS4 runs around like a maniac all the time and I have no problem telling him to stop if it's getting annoying/too in people's faces.

If DD was dancing like this I would have already told her to stop dancing and talk nicely and give her space, or go outside if she wants to dance.

I think the problem is you're treating her as young for her age and letting her behave in potentially irritating ways without stepping in or gentle redirection, and then other people get annoyed and she is confused and hurt.

MiddleParking · 05/08/2022 05:59

It does sound like she needs a bit more guidance on her behaviour/resilience etc, but I would quickly disabuse your family of the notion that that means they now have carte blanche to speak to and about her however they want. Snapping at a kid for an annoying-but-not-hugely-naughty behaviour like your sister did isn’t the first step, you say it nicely first, especially to someone else’s child in that child’s home - snapping like that is what you do if a child directly disobeys the more gentle instruction. Also, your nieces sniggering about another kid’s telling off and calling her childish is not a sign of ‘maturity’. It’s a sign of hearing things from the adults that they shouldn’t be hearing and not having their own inappropriate behaviours corrected. Maturity isn’t just about stopping playing games, it’s also about empathy, kindness, minding your own business when someone else is getting told off etc. It’s a real shame that they’re being encouraged to alienate her because a network of similar aged cousins is such a blessing, I’d love my kids to have had cousins so close to them in age.

Arnaquer · 05/08/2022 06:25

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 04/08/2022 21:11

Hmm the fact she keeps getting told off in clubs as well as by family makes me suspect that her behaviour may be a problem rather than your family just a bit miserable?

Sorry but it does sound like your daughter may need to learn to moderate her behaviour. Maybe she has no friends as she gets in their nerves as well?
I'm not trying to be unkind but 'silly' behaviour can become irritating quite quickly.

Ignoranceisbliss44 · 05/08/2022 06:32

Your daughter wasn't doing anything wrong.
I can totally understand why she was upset. As far as she was aware she was just having a bit of a light hearted fun, and was then hurt (understandably so) when your sister snapped at her. This would have really upset me at that age and it would my daughter too.
Your sister could have said, "Don't do that near me please sweetheart. I've got a bit of a headache today". That would have been kinder.
If it was me I would given DD a big hug and told my sister to clear off.

Yourheartwillleadyouhome · 05/08/2022 06:34

Yes, on all these occasions she deserved to be told off. She's a kid learning how the world works and she was being irritating each time.

TowelChair · 05/08/2022 06:38

Presumably she came round to yours for a cuppa and catch up, not to watch your daughter dance about.

My niece is a couple of years younger thank your DD and loves the spotlight!! She dances, sings and asks a thousand questions. She literally doesn’t stop talking. Sometimes it’s cute, mostly it’s irritating. Totally different dynamic when she’s in the room. So I can understand why your sister said that to her.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 05/08/2022 06:41

redtshirt50 · 05/08/2022 00:31

I think you’re using the word ‘told
off‘ very liberally here -

her auntie asked her to stop dancing around her, she ran upstairs to cry which to me sounds like a major overreaction on your daughters part
she left a martial arts class after she was ‘told off’ twice? One of them being she was asked to stop touching the piano. That also seems like a major overreaction.

You need to teach her a bit of resilience. It’s normal for people to ask children to stop doing things so she needs to be able to deal with that

I agree, have you actually spoken to her about why people have asked her to stop these things OP? Your sister didn't tell her off but asked her to stop dancing near her, that's what you should have told your daughter.
She's sounds incredibly sensitive to any type of being told not to do something, and she's 9 now but if she gets to a teenager and older still behaving like it because you don't say something, she's going to be a massive pain.

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 05/08/2022 06:55

I don't think your sister did anything wrong. I have plenty of memories of being told to "stop mucking about and pack it in" by various relatives when I was a child

Children need to learn that there's a time and place for certain behaviour - if guests are over (and yes, that includes your aunt) you don't piss about in the living room getting in their personal space. It's rude. She can go to her room or out in the garden if she wants to dance about like that - and your sister should be able to say that without being told she's horrible.

Are you the same poster who posted a while back about your DD dancing around a friend on the way home from school and either the friend or her mum told her to pack it in then as well?

Rosebel · 05/08/2022 06:56

Alfenstein · 04/08/2022 22:30

Ive never met an adult who said they were friendless in primary and found their tribe in secondary

So I really doubt it's most as you proclaim

And yes those with very large social circles aren't immune to issues in life, but they don't often present in the same way. Nor are they as common

In the past 6 years with CAHMS I've not met one child who has 'too many' friends

They're always the ones who are limited in terms of social interactions.

And during my school years they weren't 'extreme' examples, just average intakes of children. And again those who struggle socially often end up spiralling around 13/14.

Primary is where children should hone those social skills so they can make friends easily in secondary. The OP enabling this behaviour won't be helping her child in the long run, as her self esteem will be so low by the time she reaches 11-12 due to the negative feedback she is receiving - rightfully.

Her mother is failing her in this instance, and I'd bet my house that DD is an only child.

Show quote history

I'm not sure. Only my experience so obviously not an average experience but my DD2 had no friends in Y4, Y5, Y6, Y7 or Y8. In Y9 she found a group of girls that she really liked and became friends with them. It was lovely as nothing worse than your teen being lonely.
My DD can struggle socially and emotionally. She also has a monotonous voice and often acts younger than she is. She was diagnosed with autism when she was 11, although we'd expected this for a while.
I do wonder if your DD is on the spectrum but regardless you family sounds incredibly toxic and they seem to enjoy bullying your DD (your dad was much worse than your sister). Don't keep exposing her to it or call them out every single time.

Harrystylestutu · 05/08/2022 07:01

Aww your poor daughter, she's obviously sensitive.
I would think it's stranger for your 9year old niece to be sat with the adults than playing on a climbing frame.

if you can't dance around like a loon when you're young then when can you?! I think she'd get on with my son brilliantly!

I get other peoples kids can be annoying but your family seems harsh on her, plus shes not some random child, she's part of the family.

LDN1 · 05/08/2022 07:01

Your sister is horrid. Bless your DD. She was dancing, good for her.

Youaremysunshine14 · 05/08/2022 07:03

I don't get some of the comments on here telling OP to encourage her DD grow up and start behaving more maturely. She's 9 FFS, not 19! Why is 9 now too old to still be goofing around doing silly dances and playing on climbing frames? It's bonkers. She's a CHILD. Why do so many parents want to wish their children's childhoods away and turn them into mini adults?

OP, you're doing nothing wrong. Your DD is a perfectly normal nine-year-old who still wants to play. Let her be herself. Your concern should really be the fact your family is bullying her, and you, into forcing her to be something she isn't yet. She'll mature in time, there's really no rush at that age. A friend of my DD was like your niece and is now overly sexualised at 12 because her parents encouraged her to act like a much older teenager. Yet she's clearly not emotionally mature enough to deal with the attention she now gets from men in the street and it's a worry what could happen to her.

MissMaple82 · 05/08/2022 07:08

Jeez, I was playing with dolls, and playing 'Grease' at 11. I'd be more concerned about a "mature 9 year old"

georgarina · 05/08/2022 07:13

No one's saying she has to be a 'mini adult' or she can never play.
But kids need to be reminded there's a time and a place. If she's getting on people's nerves to the point she's not able to attend after school classes and has trouble making friends, OP is doing her a disservice by failing to correct and guide her behaviour.
A 9 year old should be fully capable of understanding that other people don't always want her dancing around in their face. If no one's teaching her that, she is being done a disservice, as she won't understand why people react to her negatively.

cookiesNcrea · 05/08/2022 07:23

@PillowFeather

have you considered a summer camp for your DD? My eldest was very shy and had no friends but I’m so surprised how quickly she’s adapted to camp. Please give it a try. And I don’t think she did anything wrong by dancing around. Your sister sounds cold and nasty.

Bwix · 05/08/2022 07:27

Maybe they were both acting reasonably, just that your dd was in the mood for clarting and your dsis wasn't

Just one of those things - I'd not be dwelling on it.

MiddleParking · 05/08/2022 07:28

MissMaple82 · 05/08/2022 07:08

Jeez, I was playing with dolls, and playing 'Grease' at 11. I'd be more concerned about a "mature 9 year old"

That famously child friendly film

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