Did DD deserve to be told off??

[PillowFeather]

My sister came around earlier. DD (9) was being quite animated dancing around in the living room. I went to make a cup of coffee and just as I walked back into the room I heard my sister say “don’t come clarting around me!”. DD stopped dancing, gave a nervous laugh then retreated upstairs to her room. I shouted up that I’d made her a drink and got no reply so I went up to find her crying. I asked what was wrong and she shouted at me to go away.

I went back downstairs and asked my sister what had happened and she said “she was doing that stupid dance around me and I can’t be arsed with it, she needs to grow up”.

DD is quite immature for her age and it doesn’t help that my niece (sisters DD) is the same age but mature for her age. Niece is spending the holidays hanging out with friends whereas DD doesn’t have any friends 😞

I can’t get it out of my head, I think DD was embarrassed and I don’t think she deserved to be told off?! Or am I being soft?

Because it was the grandfather just wouldn’t let up. I’m paraphrasing here because the conversation is many pages back. He said why do you talk like that, like a baby. The DD said she didn’t talk like that, but he then was saying yes you do, and the DD was saying no I dont, and he’s just going yes you do, and DDs getting beaten down and gets unsure as says “no I’m not?”. All this was in front of her cousins who were sniggering and laughing at her.

That’s public humiliation.

My friends DD does the baby voice and she is 10, no one can work out why she does it but it irritates everyone! Personally I think your sister is right but I think you have a bigger issue than your sister.

Your dad and sister sound like rude, spiteful dicks to be honest and your sister is teaching your niece to be a rude, spiteful dick as well.

I do see where you are coming from. I’m a parent of ND kids too, but it’s a matter of whether OP steps in to explain to DD when she’s behaving inappropriately. It’s one of the hardest things I find about SEN parenting. You know why they don’t behave like other kids but how much do you try to mould socially acceptable behaviour?

The pp from camhs seems very sure of herself. I’m amazed she’s never met a child who struggles socially to the point of not having “friends” to hang out with in the holidays who hasn’t ended up in a PRU or been expelled. I know very few children who have been in a pru or expelled but many many with who are socially limited or have additional needs. Honestly I think she’s talking bollocks and I’m rethinking my thoughts on camhs as a result.

The pp from CAMHS is suffering from confirmation bias and only has experience with a very limited segment of the child population. Her assertion that DC with lots of friends don’t end up in a PRU or expelled is fundamentally silly, and it’s because she is only seeing the mentally unwell DC. The severely mentally unwell DC tend to have the fewest friends due to self isolation or bullying, so she’s mistaking lack of friends for the DC being bad rather than sad.

She’s not seeing the perfectly mentally healthy DC that get involved in crime…most of which have TONS of friends that they’d literally do anything for including break laws, and engage in risky thrill seeking behaviours at all hours of the night.

Does your niece have older siblings, and your DD is your oldest (or only) child? I think it's more usual for younger ones to seem more grown up because they have older siblings and are more likely to see things/read/listen to music that's maybe aimed at the older age group? I think if your niece is very grown up for 9, and your DD on the younger side it will seem a bigger difference.

The piano... well, I used to help at a dance class when I was in my late teens and there was a piano in the corner of the church hall that was usually covered. On the very rare days it wasn't it did seem a bit of a magnet, and not just for the very little ones!

I do think dancing around with hot drinks imminent might not be the best, and could have been annoying, but your DSis could have been a bit nicer about it — she's the grown up.

Also, I think I'd be tempted to see if I could manage piano lessons somehow for her — she wants to do them, and that one-to-one time with a different adult doing something with quite a lot of discipline and where she'll be praised might be really good for her.

It’s not public humiliation.

He was asking her why she’s doing something and she’s stood there denying it. Yet she was doing it at the same time. She knows she’s doing it but she’s denying it for some reason.

Poor wee thing. She doesn't exactly have the support of her extended family, does she? My dd was forever dancing and now my 9-year-old dgd is too. I'd be concerned about the "mature" cousin

This. 100%. Ditto all the spiteful dickheads on this thread who think your sister or dad are in any way justified. YANBU, OP.

It’s also really strange that the niece said “stop being childish” to your DD. I’ve never heard any of my DC or any of their friends use that word as an insult - it wouldn’t make any sense as they are children. She is repeating that as she has overheard it being discussed by the nasty adults in your family, please make some new friends for yourself so you have different company. Maybe some who have DC and who expect them to behave like children and play, rather than encouraging them to sit with the adults and bitch about other children - there is nothing to aspire to in that.

My youngest is almost 9 and has autism, she comes across as being young for her age. If anyone took the piss out of her for it I'd rip them a new one.

She’s denying it because she thinks she is speaking normally.
Strange you think bullying someone for their voice pitch while the rest of the group sniggers and laughs at them isnt public humiliation.

Im sure you’d feel differently if it happened to you? What if someone said
“Becky, why do you do that? Have that resting bitch face all the time?”
“I don’t have resting bitch face”
“Yes you do, you’re doing it now” (laughter from onlookers)
”But I’m not?”

Now imagine being a 9yr old girl…

She sounds imaginative and lively. Maybe she would enjoy a drama club / performance arts classes.

Your family sound a bit mean, and antagonistic, to a child they seem to have decided is 'different.'

I’d simply reply because I don’t like people, hence the face.

She doesn’t think she’s speaking normally though. OP has said she does it around family so if she can switch between speaking normal and speaking like a baby she knows she’s doing it.

@Becky6758 She’s 9 years old!
She may not realise she’s doing it and is just being herself and being criticised/put down by her Grandad and her auntie.

Grandad and sister sound very insensitive.
Is there a possibility she is autistic? I ask as you mention her sensitivity to criticism, lack of friends and high pitched voice in some situations.

Exactly … She’s 9… not 4.
I can’t see how the grandad was critiquing her by asking her why she’s speaking like a baby… it’s not normal for 9 year olds to act like that.

The OP needs to start addressing the issue(s) as it’s not long until she goes to secondary and she will have a horrible time there if she acts like a baby.

I was always referred too as the immature one too OP. In adult life, I am the most mature 😂 and spent most of my late teens looking after my older sister who couldn't be trusted out drinking. She's still a bit of a mess now aged 33

I actually got to be a kid. I remember feeling embarrassed because I was jumping around on a pogo stick whilst a girl a year younger was sat down being very grown up and talking. My mum made it clear she was embarrassed about me. I've never forgotten it.
They're only kids for so long. I really wouldn't worry about it.

She might not know she is doing it. Even adults can get nervous and start talking loudly without realising their voice has gotten louder, or gotten a snappy tone. So why is it so strange that a childs voice might go up a register when they’re nervous and not realise they’re doing it?

And even if she does realise she’s doing that, it still isn’t ok to publicly humiliate a child like that. It’s nasty mean behaviour.

I think, maybe, your father and sister were a bit harsh but several things jumped out at me from your original post, particularly when you said she is immature and has no friends. My first thought was that she maybe has some special needs - possibly autism or adhd, which would explain a lot. How does she get on at school and what have her teachers said about her? There is a big difference between behaving as a child because you are a child and immaturity. I would not expect a nine-year-old to be dancing around a room, attention seeking in this way, nor speaking in babyish voices. Are there any dance or gymnastics classes she could join? Is Stagecoach - a dance/singing/drama group in your area? These classes are great fun and give an outlet for expressing her need for movement in a positive, disciplined manner.

I don’t think it’s unusual for a nine year old to want to to play a game of castaway in a rowing boat. Imaginative games are a good thing.

But some of the other behaviour is unusual and she probably needs some extra support.

No grandparent should be shaming a child in front of an audience. It’s cruel. He should have taken her aside to speak to her.

I don’t think your sister really did anything wrong.

@Becky6758 - her grandad clearly wasn't just asking her. He was deliberately humiliating her in front of other people. Can't understand how you can't see that. If her grandad had any real concerns about her behaviour he'd have had a quiet word with her Mum, his daughter.
The fact that you think the OP should be addressing her DDs behaviour, and not that of her clearly spiteful relatives, speaks volumes. It's bullies that need to modify their behaviour, not victims told to change their behaviour so they aren't bullied?!

Sister sounds a misery she could have actually got up and had a little dance with her instead she upset her. I know which the best route to go down was.