Did DD deserve to be told off??

[PillowFeather]

My sister came around earlier. DD (9) was being quite animated dancing around in the living room. I went to make a cup of coffee and just as I walked back into the room I heard my sister say “don’t come clarting around me!”. DD stopped dancing, gave a nervous laugh then retreated upstairs to her room. I shouted up that I’d made her a drink and got no reply so I went up to find her crying. I asked what was wrong and she shouted at me to go away.

I went back downstairs and asked my sister what had happened and she said “she was doing that stupid dance around me and I can’t be arsed with it, she needs to grow up”.

DD is quite immature for her age and it doesn’t help that my niece (sisters DD) is the same age but mature for her age. Niece is spending the holidays hanging out with friends whereas DD doesn’t have any friends 😞

I can’t get it out of my head, I think DD was embarrassed and I don’t think she deserved to be told off?! Or am I being soft?

Oh your poor DD and how inconsiderate of your sister. I'd be furious. Hugs to you and DD

as I walked back into the room I heard my sister say “don’t come clarting around me!”.

Last weekend my dad asked her in front of all her cousins why she talks like a baby.

Honestly, I would have a lot more issues with what your dad said than what your sister said.

What your dad said was extremely insensitive.

I read the OP and all the updates.

1. We don’t know if she actually danced too close to the aunt, the OP wasn’t in the room. The way the telling off was phrased, it sounded just as much la warning to not dance too close- “don’t come clarting around me!” And it was a telling off. You can pretend it isn’t, but the way it’s phrased isn’t a suggestion or polite in any way. And given how the DD ended up crying in her room, suggests to me she didn’t actually dance too close and so felt the telling off was unfair and thus upsetting.

2. She may sound like a younger child, but she’s not putting on a baby voice. Did you even read the conversation with the grandfather? The DD had no idea she was speaking in a high pitch and said she didn’t sound like a baby and wasn’t doing it. But was laughed at.

OP was out the room so no conversation going on. What’s the problem with a child dancing around a room? Some people are more theatrical
than others, if she was too close as an adult the aunt is perfectly able to regulate her language to ask her to move away without upsetting her. if I’d upset my niece like that I’d go up for a chat, apologise and say why she annoyed me. Best thing for children is to
model the behaviour you want- maturity, kindness, acceptance, understanding. I don’t tolerate bad behaviour but all she was doing was being over exuberant, not something to punish a child for. OPs daughter sounds like either she’s just young for her age or might have some trouble with emotions or might be neurodiverse. All of those things require acceptance and a bit of patience from the adults around her.

Oo @FOTTFSOFTFOASM
"Is she the same girl from a thread ages ago who was prancing around on the way home from school, and her friend quite reasonably gave her a karate chop?" Remember that now and the girl on that thread was hard work, in your face and space but highly emotive if pulled up on annoying behaviour!

Your family sound really cruel OP. Poor DD.

Could she possibly be neurodiverse? Just with you mentioning her being immature, not having friends.

So...

Your daughter talks in a baby voice and your father questions why she does this.

She goes to a martial arts class and spends some of the time ignoring the teacher and playing on a piano.

You're trying to have adult time with your sister (and she's being potentially disruptive) and your sister has asked her to stop the behaviour in a non-aggressive manner.

You seem to be on the defensive with everyone else for questioning her behaviour. I don't mean this in an smarmy way but does your child struggle with discipline? Or could she potentially have a disorder?

Your sister sounds horrible "Can't be arsed with it". Strewth. I feel bad for your DD.

It sounds as if your daughter is bloody irritating, and peoples patience with her is now wearing thin.

That isn't HER fault, it's yours. You haven't made it clear to her how to behave, she's attention seeking for a reason (no one, ever, attention seeks without reason. Attention seeking is a symptom... insufficient attention, not getting the right sort of attention, some mental health issue whereby more attention is needed than is usual... whatever the reason there IS a reason).

It doesn't sound like the telling off was particularly strong, just a 'go away and stop doing that in my face' communication which, if she IS getting in peoples personal space and being loud/dancing about, is warranted!

Why is she over-reacting to what is really a fairly mild admonishment, and why is she still doing this immature stuff to get attention? You have to address that, you're the adult.

I I sweat and neurodiversiry. I have a disabled child.

I would still not be angry at another person not wanting them in their face.

My da for in my personal space a lot. I told him repeatedly not to do it. So did others.

Took him a while to learn but I had no issue in the lesson being taught.

I don't agree children have a right to behave how they want in their own space if it impedes on others space.

No denying some children don't understand - so you have to keep teaching.

People are being really weird and not just about a child in this thread. Weird behaviour from adults tbh
a lot of what you've said does sound like possible adhd might be worth exploring.
as for a 9 year old wanted to play castaway type games- very normal. All the kids 8-10 from my DS's school play imagination games like this in the park after school for hours

That's the one!

Your sister sounds horrible to be honest.

Excellent post.

In the past 6 years with CAHMS I've not met one child who has 'too many' friends

That’s because by the time a child is unwell enough to be seen by CAMHS any friends they had are usually long gone. Either the DC has withdrawn from them due to poor MH or they’ve been ripped away from them by bullies. The fault of “no friends” doesn’t lie with the DC “being enabled” or “lacking social skills” - it’s a red flag that all is not well with their lives. It’s actually quite sad that you work in CAMHS and can’t even recognise confirmation bias in yourself.

Your daughter sounds a little like me as a child, I had extreme social anxiety and lack of confidence, I was silly and a bit of a ‘tomboy,’ had no interest in blending in with other girls and hated their prissy drama, boring doll playing, and talking about boys / hair /nails…ugh. Meet 34 year old me, who’s now got lots of real friends, successful career, lovely husband etc, Also turns out I have ADHD….
I put the no friends situation when I was younger down to being a bit airy fairy, and not as street as my rougher neighbourhood peers. I had great emotional intelligence and preferred adult company. The nature 9 year olds were mostly pregnant by 18 and had no aspirations.

your daughter will be fine if you teach her how to stand up to people, how to be assertive and how to accept her quirks. Could she have adhd though? Might explain the immaturity bit could also just be that she’s surrounded by assholes.

Also the dancing around could have just been social anxiety. My husband is socially awkward and acts like a lunatic sometimes.

Why is it 'humiliating' her to acknowledge she speaks in a 'baby voice' if op and dd feel that her speaking like this is fine why the worry?

Haven't rft so this key have been mentioned,
but my son is 11 and this reminds me of him. He's very immature in many ways and annoyingly hyperactive... but that's because he has adhd. I could control a 4 year old easier than I control my own son. But he's my 3rd so I know it's not my parenting it's who he is. And I don't want him to be someone else.

I do talk to him about being aware of others. And we are working on it. But he is who he is.
He also has no friends BTW.

Support her and talk to her.

I also agree better to be immature than too mature xx

*mature 9 year olds

OP your DD sounds a lot like my DD at the same age. She is ND. I do think it would be worth looking into ADHD, dyspraxia etc.

Heartbreaking as the parent of an ND child to read all these posts about annoying kids getting in personal space. Some of them can't help it, however much they are 'coached'

OP have you considered if your daughter has ADHD? I suggest it as the things you have mentioned thus far are behaviours that could indicate ADHD but are regularly over looked as girls with it (often) present very differently to boys (and everyone looks for boys behaviours which are often more disruptive and obvious). My DDs school were adamant that she didn’t have ADHD and was just “flighty”, “immature” and “lacked focus”. Turns out she was almost off the ADHD scale and now with meds is far more mature, in control of her body/actions and less impulsive. Not saying you should Medicare her at all. That would —clearly— be an individual choice for your family but if she is then it gives your family a reason for the behaviours and should help them to be more understanding. Also there are lots of things you can do with your daughter to build her confidence once she knows there is a reason for what she does.

P.S. I think your daughter sounds lovely! Don’t worry if she isn’t growing up at the rate her cousins are. She has her whole life to be an adult and mere moments to play desert islands 🥰

I feel like your family should be more accepting of who your DD is. Baby voice might be irritating but there's nothing fundamentally wrong about it. It can be a sign of anxiety or low self esteem. Wanting to row to the lake island sounds really normal for her age, as is dancing around the room. 9 year old are still fairly young children and shouldn't be held to the same standards as adults.

On the other hand the fact she has no friends is worrying. Did she used to have friends? What happened?

Hmm for context OP i visited my friend this afternoon, her 2.5 yr old showed me how fast she could run and how high she could jump and wanted attention. Her 7yr old son gave me a hug and came out to the garden to show me his marbles and asked me to play. I haven't read the full thread but usually when there's so many people becoming irritated with your dc it's usually something to do with trauma, parenting or SEN.

I remember making dance routines with my friends in street and showing our parents but if I (and I frequently did as I was a huge show off at that age) acted like my friends 2.5yr old I would have been directed to go and play and told to let the adults have a cup of tea in peace. Thats my norm from my parental background and might not be someone elses though.

Your sister sounds horrible. If I were in your position, I would tell her that she was not welcome in my home again until she apologised sincerely to my DD, and I would mean it.

Let your DD see that you have her back and that she is more important than someone who came into her home - her safe space - and was so rude that she felt uncomfortable in her own living room.

If you two had gone to visit your sister then my response would be different, but how dare she come into your home, embarrass your DD and then not even apologise.

Speaking in a baby voice could just be due to feeling anxious. Your dad sounds like a twat as well.

I have a 9 year old DD who has a diagnosis of autism. She is what used to be described as “high functioning” though and it means her struggles are invisible to most others. They are there though. She is physically quite overactive and often does headstands think or cartwheels at home.

She doesn’t have as many friends as others her age and is aware of it, so already has low self esteem and is hard on herself.

If I had someone visit who told her off doing headstands, they’d be straight out that door and told not to speak to her like that, and would have been the same pre-diagnosis. It’s her home.

I feel angry on your behalf reading your post. Your sister is clearly comparing her own DC to yours and deciding that she views yours unfavourably and saying that yours needs to grow up.

Where has she got the idea from that she is okay to slag your own child off to you?

Your sister has a problem.
Your dad has a bigger problem. I would have showed him the door. Talk about destroying someone’s confidence.
Your family needs sorting while your daughter needs to carry on with her dancing!