To think that my contributions to our family home count for anything?

[Greenlife1]

I know that I have few rights as per current legislation but am I being unreasonable to think I have earned a segment of our next family home (I'm talking in terms of ethical principles not legality)

Living with partner of 15 years and our 4 children. He is buying a house outright which will be paid for by selling the house we have lived in for 10 years and is also owned by him. I have worked and contributed to running the household for 15 years and have, of course, sacrificed career progression to support my family and his career, not to mention, I have also grafted on the current house, helping to increase its value and spent small amounts of money on it when I have been able to.

Partner thinks I'm ludicrous to even have these thoughts as I've not put in any big amounts of money. I had hoped I might be able to aim for a small mortgage on our next home that I could pay off myself to give me some security and to just feel like I have a place in the world that I have earned but he wants to own it outright.

Marriage not on cards right now for various reasons.

To be fair to OP’s boyfriend she’s not said he’s against marriage or civil partnership just she doesn’t want to be a ‘wife’.

The OP can’t register Matrimonial Home Rights as she’s not married. Law hasn’t changed.

I believe there needs to be far more education on subject starting in schools

Absolutely. There is already space in the timetable for SRE. The legal options for committed relationships, and how that differs from cohabitation, should be covered. Even if not all the message sticks, at least more people might remember that there important issues and therefore know to check when life decisions are being made

Why are you together when he doesn’t value you enough to make you feel secure

if you don’t want marriage then don’t marry him 100% but i would not be moving into the next home unless you can get your name on it, I don’t think your being unreasonable wanting that at all

I don’t really see that it’s morally wrong. The house was a gift to him, she’s paid nothing whatsoever towards it, but has lived there rent-free. Why would she get to claim part-ownership because of that?

If we are going to start giving people’s property away to their girlfriends, how is this going to work? Some sort of sliding scale, so you get a percent or so of their estate after the first date, building to half a year after they invite you to live with them, or just some sort of hard cutoff, so you acquire half of what they themselves earned at the ten year point?

We already have a really good contract in place to ensure a shared allocation of assets, it’s called marriage. If a couple make the conscious decision to not get married, knowing that this means that assets remain individually owned, then what is the reason for retrospectively changing the deal?

No, that choice should be honoured. Get married if you want to go down the route of shared assets, or write up a contract to the same effect, or choose not to get married and keep things each owned by one person.

I don’t really see that it’s morally wrong. The house was a gift to him, she’s paid nothing whatsoever towards it, but has lived there rent-free. Why would she get to claim part-ownership because of that?

If we are going to start giving people’s property away to their girlfriends, how is this going to work? Some sort of sliding scale, so you get a percent or so of their estate after the first date, building to half a year after they invite you to live with them, or just some sort of hard cutoff, so you acquire half of what they themselves earned at the ten year point?

We already have a really good contract in place to ensure a shared allocation of assets, it’s called marriage. If a couple make the conscious decision to not get married, knowing that this means that assets remain individually owned, then what is the reason for retrospectively changing the deal?

No, that choice should be honoured. Get married if you want to go down the route of shared assets, or write up a contract to the same effect, or choose not to get married and keep things each owned by one person.

Stop paying anything into the household and put your earnings into a savings account to buy your own house.

Of course you can’t. Not without good legal reason. Wanting to take their house is not a good legal reason.

Yes, they count for nothing in terms of acquiring rights over his house. That’s right, as many others have pointed out.

How, legally, are you getting the impression that that’s not right?

If someone truly loves -- They will want to share their future with you, financially look after you, marry you and make everything legally 50% yours, there will be no question about it, they will put your name on the mortgage and make sure you're provided for.

If financial security and part ownership of a home, in a long-term relationship is denied/refused/spitefully horded...they don't love and care for you as much as they think they might do. I'm really sorry, OP obviously I don't know the whole marital problem situation, but I don't think I would want to marry someone like this.

Stop wasting your time and kick them to the curb.

You don't need to get married. If you genuinely love someone and want to take care of them, their name will go on the mortgage no question's asked.

When you decide to have a partner, live long term with them, stick your D**k in them, put them through 4 pregnancies- It's a 50/50 decision. Those children belong to both of them, therefore you take on the responsibility of giving your family a shared roof over their heads. Everything becomes 50/50. Otherwise what you're saying is; You can house my offspring in your body, go through severe pain pushing them out, give up your life and career to continue my line, potentially ruin your body with problems which develop after pregnancy (even years down the line), but I won't share a mortgage with you. Does that sound OK to you? Isn't it about equality? Why would you not want your partner to share equal parts of your home?

To be honest, OP - I think he's used you. I work in a sector where I see financial abuse on a daily basis, including in the form of properties. I work supporting vulnerable adults who are exploited and financially abused. This is financial abuse.

My husband has read this, he thinks your partner is a spineless coward and a pu**y. He also thinks anyone who sees this as morally OK, to learn what 'Narcissistic personality disorder' means. He works in the opposite sector to me; he works with the actual abusers, the criminals. He can see those traits here and thinks you need to get out.

You really do need to contact CAB and get yourself some legal aide. That home belongs to your children and any inheritance owed to them is actually protected by their guardian -You-.

@AhNowTed I agree I am not sure why posters would say to the OP that he ‘let her and the kids live… ‘ that’s up there with ‘living rent free’.

It’s misogynistic nonsense.

@GingerWit

“My husband has read this, he thinks your partner is a spineless coward and a puy. He also thinks anyone who sees this as morally OK, to learn what 'Narcissistic personality disorder' means”

Do you want to have another run at that?

Anyway, I reported your post for the personal attack. You need to learn to try to out your point across without accusing others of having a serious psychological problem just because they don’t agree with you.

It was a nice tough though that you gave your post what you thought was more weight by telling me that that bit was a man’s input.

No you’re not being unreasonable to feel that you also are entitled to that security, especially as you’ve paid in. Unfortunately it sounds like he doesn’t see the value in what you bring to the table! Typical behaviour of a male who hasn’t had to contribute as much in the child rearing. The law isn’t on your side, unfortunately as you know! But no, to answer your question without making unneeded bitchy remarks, YANBU! Hope you work it out.

Obviously having young children has limited my working and saving capacity over the recent years. Ultimately, I can earn more than my partner but it didn't make sense to work more than part-time with childcare expenses and the fact that I would see the children less.

If he's a low earner, why were you the one to give up work?

Why did it not "make sense to work more than part-time" for YOU, but not HIM?

How on Earth have you been personally attacked? What’s the matter with you?

You don’t think accusing me of having narcissistic personality disorder is an attack?

That’s quite an unusual take on the accusation. Do you view is as a neutral term then?

Op you have been extremely stupid. I’m sorry it’s harsh but you could be my sister. She had to walk away 3 years ago, with nothing. You need to get married or have something written up ASAP. You have contributed 50% you have built a life together and should that end you will have absolutely nothing but 4 children to financially support primarily. My sister never ever thought it would happen to her but it did. I can happen to you to.

Her: My husband has read this, he thinks your partner is a spineless coward and a puy. He also thinks anyone who sees this as morally OK, to learn what 'Narcissistic personality disorder' means. He works in the opposite sector to me; he works with the actual abusers, the criminals. He can see those traits here and thinks you need to get out.

You: That is a personal attack and I’m repeating you.

Nobody made any accusations. I think you have a quite novel and self centring approach to communication and/or the English language.

It was literally posted in reply to a post of mine where I said that I didn’t find it morally wrong. How can tit be “self centring” to read a direct response to me, quoting one of my own posts as referring to me?

You seem to just want to sneer, and add nothing, so I’ll leave you to it.

@StillHappy Some of it was directed at you, some of it was directed at the OP and some of it was about her partner. All of this was extremely clear.

If you consider me pointing out the ridiculousness of your claims of ‘accusations’ and ‘personal attack’ to be ‘sneering’, that’s your prerogative. Based on the above, I don’t really hold your judgement in very high regard, tbh. Do please leave me to it.

I have to ask as I'm not quite educated in UK laws when it comes to defacto, co habitation and marriage. But over here in Australia Married or not if you been together after a certain time both are entitled to half of anything including superannuation.

Hits the mail on the head. Sums ever up very precisely. You are in a very vulnerable position OP. how did you ever allow yourself to end up like this? It doesn’t matter if you contribute 50% of household costs. He is the one financially holding all the cards.

I can’t believe after 15 years together and 4 kids, he won’t put your name down on the property- shows what type of man you’re with. You’ll need to start finding ways to financially protect yourself as he is the type to leave you with nothing. Time to get savvy.

Move to Australia it seems!