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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my contributions to our family home count for anything?

395 replies

Greenlife1 · 04/08/2022 15:12

I know that I have few rights as per current legislation but am I being unreasonable to think I have earned a segment of our next family home (I'm talking in terms of ethical principles not legality)

Living with partner of 15 years and our 4 children. He is buying a house outright which will be paid for by selling the house we have lived in for 10 years and is also owned by him. I have worked and contributed to running the household for 15 years and have, of course, sacrificed career progression to support my family and his career, not to mention, I have also grafted on the current house, helping to increase its value and spent small amounts of money on it when I have been able to.

Partner thinks I'm ludicrous to even have these thoughts as I've not put in any big amounts of money. I had hoped I might be able to aim for a small mortgage on our next home that I could pay off myself to give me some security and to just feel like I have a place in the world that I have earned but he wants to own it outright.

Marriage not on cards right now for various reasons.

OP posts:
BeanieTeen · 05/08/2022 10:59

STOP paying a single penny into this house. Start savIng because you're going to need it.

I think she’s going to need it too. Just going on what’s been written it doesn’t sound like there is much spark or love in this relationship - not on either side. The OP will be out on her arse at some point. If her DH loved her and respected her and saw this as a viable relationship to last into the future, there would be no reason to not share homeownership with her. Generally, women choose not to marry because they feel it will negatively affect their independence. Men, and yes I know I’m generalising, choose not to marry when they actually don’t see the relationship lasting. They pussyfoot around saying marriage isn’t for them or use delaying tactics, when actually they are just waiting for someone better to come along. He’s avoiding a messy break up by the sound of things - he doesn’t want to be in a situation where he loses his house. When those kids are grown up, that may well be the end of it.

Decidualcast · 05/08/2022 11:30

Dixiechickonhols · 05/08/2022 10:17

Yes there is a possibility to try to establish a beneficial interest but it’s not easy and depends on evidence - law doesn’t readily give part of your home away to someone. It’s usually where someone can prove they paid for substantial renovations. It will cost thousands in legal fees so isn’t often done.

The I paid £1000 he paid £1000 into pot and that paid all bills inc his mortgage isn’t enough.

Show quote history

Agree. Establishing beneficial interest is not for the faint hearted. You’ll need forensic evidence and ££££ to fight it. There is case law for establishing beneficial interest. However, sounds like her DP never gave her reassurance of a stake in the property.

SunThroughTheCloudsAt6am · 05/08/2022 12:07

I was with my ex for 15 years, unmarried, career on backburner etc - I bloody made sure that I was still on houses, mortgages etc. So when we split I got my share.

OP, YANBU, you are being the very essence of reasonable - you absolutely should have a stake in your home.

This reminds me of that lady on twitter who came out with the binder of how it was going to work financially if she were to have children with her partner, and the partner was utterly scandalised at how business-like she was being whilst all us jaded single mother were cheering her on for her nouse.

pigeonstreet123 · 05/08/2022 18:01

If you have higher earning potential; get yourself back to work full time. Its his turn to take over childcare. You can start saving

JimTheShit · 05/08/2022 18:08

AussieMozzieMagnet · 04/08/2022 18:45

My husband bought our house in my name as well. The house will one day go to our child. We are therefore united as a family and well protected. There's a reason marriage has always been so important to protect the family unit. But yeah, you just contribute your bit to the "partnership" and see how far that gets you in reality.

Show quote history

We are therefore united as a family and well protected

Yes, because you're married so if you split up your husband would legally be entitled to 50% of the house in your name. Or if the OP were married, it wouldn't matter whose name the house was in; she'd have the full protection of marriage.

The OP is not married. In the UK, legally she is entitled to absolutely nothing.

Mumofthreeteenagers · 05/08/2022 18:13

WinterMusings · 04/08/2022 15:29

15 years, 4 kids & he wants to own your family home on his own?

how did it come to this?

has no one ever said to you 'WTF are you doing?'

Did you have a very very rubbish upbringing, that you feel you have so little worth that you willingly accepted this arrangement & even now feel you have to BUY into it by getting a mortgage.

this wanker has taken you for a ride and you've gone along for the ride -why??

This^^

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/08/2022 18:30

Personally I would talk to a solicitor op about beneficial interest and how to protect yourself. This man doesn’t seem to respect you and what you’ve done for and given him at all.

Baaaaaa · 05/08/2022 18:30

Greenlife1 · 04/08/2022 15:26

No, what matters at the moment is whether I am being unreasonable!

Entirely reasonable, and he is not.

However as others have said, it makes no difference.

Honestly, I think he is being immoral.

He has deprived you of the chance to get on the housing ladder whilst accruing assets for himself and benefitting from your labour (and cash) The only reason he would do that is to protect himself in the event of a breakup.

If you are splitting everything else 50/50 on this basis, you are being fleeced.

I would be insisting on changes or making exit plans.

Dibbydoos · 05/08/2022 19:10

Put a question into the Legal Queen - seen her on fb reels.

Spuffcat · 05/08/2022 19:21

As well as seeking legal advice, may I suggest researching tax etc as you would be classed as having a second home - so might incur sdlt.

bpirockin · 05/08/2022 19:36

YANBU 81% - are you not seeing the same as I am OP ?

PlopPlop · 05/08/2022 19:37

Me and DP aren’t married, but want to spend the rest of our lives together. He has a house, we won’t be getting married for reasons, I also earn more than him and pay for a lot of the household stuff.

He added me to the deeds as tenant in common because he isn’t a prick, we also have legal arrangement in place (wills, insurance etc) in the absence of a marriage certificate.

StillHappy · 05/08/2022 19:37

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/08/2022 18:30

Personally I would talk to a solicitor op about beneficial interest and how to protect yourself. This man doesn’t seem to respect you and what you’ve done for and given him at all.

That’d really just be a waste of money though. She’s not contributed to a mortgage, or paid rent (they have only split bills) so if anything she’s been benefitting from living there for free rather than building up a beneficial interest.

It’s his house, where he has let her live while they are a couple. She doesn’t and shouldn’t try to launch a claim on something that she hasn’t contributed towards.

etcher70 · 05/08/2022 19:42

But surely this situation is morally wrong? I know technically we all 'should' be married for protection, but life often doesn't work out like that and women usually look after the children, do the lion's share of the housework and consequently lack the career progression and the pay rises. Is this fair? So many women are in this situation, shouldn't we be trying to change this?!

Rhaenys · 05/08/2022 19:47

Greenlife1 · 05/08/2022 08:09

So yabu wins! It is interesting but not surprising.

The vast majority have voted YANBU?!

Cherchezlaspice · 05/08/2022 19:49

Greenlife1 · 05/08/2022 08:09

So yabu wins! It is interesting but not surprising.

What on Earth do you mean? 81% of people have voted that you’re not being unreasonable!

justgotosleepffs · 05/08/2022 19:50

I think you have messed-up ideas of what marriage is, and that's why your in tjis terrible position. You say things like "I don't want to be someone's wife" as though its an antiquated old-fashioned institution and you want no part of it. But you've basically screwed yourself over because you've been playing the role of s wife for all these years, just without the legal protections that come with it. Marriage protects women financially. And a registry office wedding can be done incredibly cheaply with just 2 witnesses so you could literally do it by the end of thr summer holidays

SallyB392 · 05/08/2022 20:28

I don't know all the legistics, but I do know that you can place a charge on a property owned by a partner. This prevents them from selling the house from under you.

Please. Please PLEASE see a solicitor or if this is not possible CAB. I think legislation has recently changed so you may be better protected than you realise!

Dahliasandtea · 05/08/2022 20:33

This is exactly why I married my partner. He was talking kids and life plans and wanted me to move in with him into his house, give up my job to move etc etc… and I said ‘yup, let’s get married and we can do all of that. But I’m not making a step towards any of it until I am legally recognised as your wife’

i don’t believe in the institution of marriage in the conventional sense. But it was the only way to make sure that when his career went interstellar (as it is now) that my contribution would be recognised. My career stagnated when I moved and then had kids and I’m having to start again now the kids are a bit older. Luckily he does recognise all of this and we are very happy and we are now buying a house together in 50/50 agreement. But having been brought up in a family which made ‘messy’ divorces look like an episode of Peppa Pig… I can’t put trust in his ‘word’ if we ever end up breaking up.

Dillydollydingdong · 05/08/2022 20:40

You should explain to him that you need protection for the future. You are worried that you could end up on the streets if your relationship ends. Which is a very real concern if you're not married, and your name isn't on the deeds. All your hard work and financial contributions will be wasted. Start saving up now so that you can afford to look after yourself if necessary.

AhNowTed · 05/08/2022 20:53

@StillHappy

"That’d really just be a waste of money though. She’s not contributed to a mortgage, or paid rent (they have only split bills) so if anything she’s been benefitting from living there for free rather than building up a beneficial interest.

It’s his house, where he has let her live while they are a couple. She doesn’t and shouldn’t try to launch a claim on something that she hasn’t contributed towards."

Are you for real?

Let her live? She is the mother of his 4 children for gods sake!

And I'm willing to bet her money goes on feeding and clothing those children.

Just because his money technically pays the mortgage, does not mean she hasn't contributed.

I'm also willing to bet it wasn't him taking maternity leave and potentially sabotaging his career.

15 years and 4 children apparently count for nothing.

Xzyon · 05/08/2022 20:55

You’re not being unreasonable at all. Both morally and legally you certainly do have a claim. If you don’t have a declaration of trust you can still have a claim on the house if you can show you have contributed to it or being there has had a detrimental effect on your life (paying bills, raising kids and not having a career etc)

read this for info

www.familylawpartners.co.uk/blog/property-rights-for-unmarried-couples

Topazmumma · 05/08/2022 20:57

Movingsoon21 · 04/08/2022 15:28

OP does he not love you? Does he not want the mother of his four children to have some stability and security? He’s a complete a**hole if not!

This!

Retired65 · 05/08/2022 21:20

82% agree you are not being unreasonable. You need to see about getting your name added to the deeds.
I am shocked that you have had 4 children with this man.
Why isn't marriage on the cards? It can be done on the cheap at a registry office. Marriage would give you a lot more security.
I didn't understand why you cannot claim any benefits if he is on a low wage.

Dixiechickonhols · 05/08/2022 21:43

etcher70 · 05/08/2022 19:42

But surely this situation is morally wrong? I know technically we all 'should' be married for protection, but life often doesn't work out like that and women usually look after the children, do the lion's share of the housework and consequently lack the career progression and the pay rises. Is this fair? So many women are in this situation, shouldn't we be trying to change this?!

I believe there needs to be far more education on subject starting in schools. It’s bizarre that so many adults believe in common law marriage.
I also think there needs to be more awareness that marriage or civil partnership is a legal contract not a party. It’s £170 all in to marry.
I don’t agree that there should be rights accrued simply from living together. Lots of people live together and don’t intend to have financial obligations to other party for good reasons.
I read an article where a woman left in a mess when her fiancé died wanted legal info on cohabitation v marriage given to parents by midwife or when they registered a child’s birth as she was clueless but I can’t see that being seen as acceptable.

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