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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do I really need XH's permission to take DD abroad?!

176 replies

mumyes · 01/08/2022 23:12

Is this really a thing?!
Government advice states that a lone parent needs written permission to travel abroad with their child.
WTAF?!
Is this really the case?
Can anyone who has experience advise?

Thanks!

OP posts:
gogohmm · 01/08/2022 23:31

It's safeguarding to avoid child abduction

EasterIssland · 01/08/2022 23:32

mumyes · 01/08/2022 23:22

I'm surprised because I think it's OTT.
My XH has no issue with us going, but it just seems like major faff!

It’s to protect abduction , don’t think so much ott
if child’s dad is happy for you to go abroad it doesn’t take you that long to get the paper sorted. I got a template off online

Dobbyismyabsolutefav · 01/08/2022 23:32

Slightly different scenario but when my DD was younger, 12-16, we took one of her friends on holiday with us every year. Eurotunnel always asked to see permission letter from parent to travel. I was never asked when I travelled on my own with my DD but had a letter just in case.

TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot · 01/08/2022 23:32

DS1 has my surname and his dad isn't on his birth certificate. He went abroad with him quite a few times and was never questioned. I always wrote a letter giving permission for him to take with him just in case, though I don't know how they could know it was genuinely written by me though.

Lockheart · 01/08/2022 23:32

You might think it's ridiculous as you have a good relationship with your XH.

You might not think it's so ridiculous if you had an ex who might try and leave the country with your children to separate you from them.

bellac11 · 01/08/2022 23:33

mumyes · 01/08/2022 23:22

I'm surprised because I think it's OTT.
My XH has no issue with us going, but it just seems like major faff!

So he has no issue with you going, so you have already discussed it with him, thats part of the law, to get permission

The second part is the bit you dont seem to get, how on earth would immigration/border staff know that your ex husband is ok with it? Are they mind readers?

09Mediocre82 · 01/08/2022 23:33

I've never been asked when travelling with my 3. The oldest 2 have their fathers surname & youngest has my family surname.

Twillow · 01/08/2022 23:35

Technically, yes. I did it the first time. But not then or since been asked for it. And yes, you could very easily forge one!

BiscoffSundae · 01/08/2022 23:36

Yes it’s normal, you’re lucky your ex doesn’t mind, mine isn’t involved at all so unable to ask him so it could be worse 🤷‍♀️

daretodenim · 01/08/2022 23:38

mumyes · 01/08/2022 23:29

The ridiculous thing is that the government advice is it just had to be a letter from the other parent?!

I mean, seriously, anyone dodgy would surely just bloody forge that anyway. Ridiculous!!

Exactly. I got stopped and was chilled because I had the letter. Border control said I couldn't prove the father (who I'm still married to) signed it. I had to provide a photocopy of his passport, which I didn't have. In the end he let us through, after my kids were almost crying and asking "Mummy, what's wrong?".

It was awful. Bring a photocopy of his passport (or driving license if no passport) too.

It's a PITA but honestly better than dealing with a border control agent who is intent on stressing you out.

Treacletreacle · 01/08/2022 23:38

My son has his fathers surname and not mine. I was never asked when he was smaller on his first 5 year passport when the photo was on him aged a week old. So surely i could have been travelling with any child then. But aged about 7 suddenly i was asked entering back into the Uk at gatwick if i had a copy of his birth certificate or written confirmation from his father i could travel with him. I said no so the customs lady looked at my son and asked him who i was to him. My son looked at me and used my name. I was like but im your mum yes!!!. He thought it was funny and after that used to say to me im gonna tell them i dont know you. Typically i kept a copy of his birth certificate but have never been asked to show it but often asked if he is my son.

Ugzbugz · 01/08/2022 23:38

Me and my Ds have different surnames. I never ever get questioned leaving the UK, only when i re enter and show his birth certificate but no one would say fuck all if we had the same surname.

theChickenDinner · 01/08/2022 23:38

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 01/08/2022 23:39

If it's for 28 days or less you do not

BiscoffSundae · 01/08/2022 23:39

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 01/08/2022 23:39

If it's for 28 days or less you do not

Not true. That’s only with a cao

Womencanlift · 01/08/2022 23:40

So what would happen if the other parent has died? Genuine question not trying to start anything. Do you have to carry a copy of the death certificate?

SoupDragon · 01/08/2022 23:45

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

The planet where you actually don't always need permission.

tunnocksreturns2019 · 01/08/2022 23:46

Womencanlift · 01/08/2022 23:40

So what would happen if the other parent has died? Genuine question not trying to start anything. Do you have to carry a copy of the death certificate?

I’ve travelled with the DC lots since DH died and never been asked for anything, but we do have the same surname. I’d be a bit hacked off if I had to carry his death certificate in with the passports. Ultimate holiday vibe.

Manekinek0 · 01/08/2022 23:46

There are different rules for different countries. To get into the US it is advisable to have the letter of permission but not necessary (correct back in 2015). We wanted to go to Cape Verde but apparently most countries is Africa are quite strict due to a crackdown on trafficking.

The rules have caused us to not travel as much as we would have liked. My ex was violent towards me for years, then after I left him he stopped seeing the DC and my DH has raised them. I understand why the rules are in place but I wish they could make it easier to get feckless, absent parent's parental responsibility removed.

Lockheart · 01/08/2022 23:49

daretodenim · 01/08/2022 23:38

Exactly. I got stopped and was chilled because I had the letter. Border control said I couldn't prove the father (who I'm still married to) signed it. I had to provide a photocopy of his passport, which I didn't have. In the end he let us through, after my kids were almost crying and asking "Mummy, what's wrong?".

It was awful. Bring a photocopy of his passport (or driving license if no passport) too.

It's a PITA but honestly better than dealing with a border control agent who is intent on stressing you out.

They're not intent on stressing you out. They're intent on making sure everyone is travelling legitimately and that children aren't being abducted or trafficked.

Womencanlift · 01/08/2022 23:50

tunnocksreturns2019 · 01/08/2022 23:46

I’ve travelled with the DC lots since DH died and never been asked for anything, but we do have the same surname. I’d be a bit hacked off if I had to carry his death certificate in with the passports. Ultimate holiday vibe.

Well that was my thinking. Not exactly something you want to discuss at border control.

We travelled a lot with my aunt and cousins after my uncle died (we were all early teens when he died) and I never remember that happening although may be wrong.

SherbertLemonDrop · 02/08/2022 00:01

My sons dad disappeared when he was 3 so I've never asked the disappearing mans permission. Didn't even put his details on the passport application as I didn't have them. Never had an issue.

Happyhappyday · 02/08/2022 00:10

Yes, my parents are not separated and when I was a kid I went abroad with mum for the weekend and she had a letter she was asked for from me dad.

it’s a really excellent way to kidnap a child for example if there was a custody dispute…

Summererfluff · 02/08/2022 00:31

Border Force Officer here.

Section 55 of the Borders, Citizenship & Immigration Act 2009 says that we must carry out all our functions in a way that safeguards children. Obviously the most important thing is stopping children being kidnapped and/or trafficked (and I've encountered quite a few over the years)! So you might be asked questions leaving or entering the UK (probably more likely to be when entering, just because there aren't always exit checks).

We are trained to assess certain situations so I won't always ask for documentation if I've asked a few questions and I'm satisfied that the child is travelling with their parent or guardian, and is happy to do so.

If I do ask for a permission letter I would be happy with a quick squiggle saying "I give permission for xx to travel with xx", but I would also hope to see a photocopy of that person's passport to prove it's written by them and a contact telephone number in case I want to confirm any details.

Obviously you get good and bad Border Force Officers. Some of the bad ones will not even bother asking anything, while some will interrogate passengers unnecessarily and incorrectly say that passengers MUST produce documentation. Please feel free to lodge a complaint against any bad ones you encounter!

To confirm, it's not compulsory to produce something but it makes things easier if you do. I carry a photo of my children's full birth certificate on my phone as they have their dad's surname.

Hope that helps.

Do I really need XH's permission to take DD abroad?!
villamariavintrapp · 02/08/2022 00:51

I've been asked this year, wasn't expecting it as I'm married and kids all have my name.