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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm not prepared to move my life for his kids

138 replies

TheOverthinkr · 01/08/2022 13:00

AIBU..ive been with my OH for almost 6 years and in all that time things have been great. We had a 5 year plan ironed out as he was in the process of getting a divorce. However, things have started to feel strained as my home isn't big enough for his 3 and my 1 child so stayovers don't work ( I have a 2 bedroom house of which i have a mortgage of my own) . My OH has been renting a place for 3 years now as waiting for a financial settlement to be agreed before a divorce can take place. He's not asked for much in terms of cash so to keep his ex and their children in the same home. Yet now comes the discussion around me and him getting a home together, this was always in the plan but we are some years away from where we should be because my OH and his ex haven't been able to settle on a figure. The money he's offered won't be anywhere near enough to secure a deposit for a bigger house in the same area so he wants us to move further away? I don't think it's fair for me and my child to have to uproot away from the school ( child is in year 3) and away from my child's father - my child is very close to him and spends a lot of time with him...all so my OH kids can stay in their home with their mother and can have somewhere to stay when visiting me? I live 60 miles away from his rental but he's with me when he doesn't have his Children. Feels like it's a make or break situation as he's asking me to make all the sacrifices it would seem.

OP posts:
FlipFlops4Me · 01/08/2022 13:03

Have you discussed this with him - in the same words as you've posted here - so that he's aware of how uneven this feels to you? If so, is he still insistent on it? Because if he is, I'd be wary about a future with him as it seems you are to consider his childrens' welfare while he has not a single thought for your dc's happiness. Your dc comes first in your heart, and maybe it's time you told him that.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/08/2022 13:05

I don’t understand why people with existing children are always in a rush to blend families.

Just stay as boyfriend and girlfriend for the time being. Stay with your child in the house the suits you for as long as it does suit you both.

Sirzy · 01/08/2022 13:05

Surely the fact one or both of you would need to move area had featured in your long term plan?

he isn’t unreasonable to want a house that can house his children. Your not unreasonable to not want to move. You either need to compromise somehow or decide if that’s a deciding factor

Qwertyyui · 01/08/2022 13:05

I wouldn't move. If my DH had wanted me to even move 5 miles away I wouldn't have done it. My DD is my priority and always will be. I love my DH but my daughters needs come first and as she sees her dad most days I wouldn't come between that.

OldFan · 01/08/2022 13:06

I think you're right not to want to move your LO @TheOverthinkr . We moved house when I was about 8 and it was pretty awful and stayed that way (but that was probably because where we moved to the people and school were vile (mostly posh but nasty.))

Xiaoxiong · 01/08/2022 13:06

Why do you need to move in together? If you've been together 6 years and all is going well, why not keep your own places?

millymollymoomoo · 01/08/2022 13:07

So basically he thinks it’s ok to uproot your child but his own ( ie paying to keep them in sane house / location)

I would not be having that and would also be putting g some ultimatums on timeline up his own divorce

Longdistance · 01/08/2022 13:08

He’s only thinking of his needs and to appease his exw. There’s nothing for you in this arrangement.

ParanoidGynodroid · 01/08/2022 13:09

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/08/2022 13:05

I don’t understand why people with existing children are always in a rush to blend families.

Just stay as boyfriend and girlfriend for the time being. Stay with your child in the house the suits you for as long as it does suit you both.

I agree with this, but don't agree that OP and her DP are in a rush... they've been together for 6 years!
OP, you don't want to move for a perfectly valid reason - your child is your priority - so don't.

Mally100 · 01/08/2022 13:09

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/08/2022 13:05

I don’t understand why people with existing children are always in a rush to blend families.

Just stay as boyfriend and girlfriend for the time being. Stay with your child in the house the suits you for as long as it does suit you both.

This. It does not benefit your child at all, only you. Don't uproot your child away from everything especially their other parent. It doesn't seem feasible right now, so maybe he needs to work on his divorce and settlement a bit more. Can't he just continue as is? He comes to you when he doesn't have his kids?

FourTeaFallOut · 01/08/2022 13:09

No. I wouldn't risk the security and familiarity of your own life to subsidise a bigger home somewhere else for him. I'll never win any awards for being super nice but then I've never been screwed over either.

TinaYouFatLard · 01/08/2022 13:11

Neither of you ABU. You don’t want to disrupt your DC’s life for a new relationship and he doesn’t either. You can’t live together at the moment. Maybe not for many years. Your resentment of his DC’s is already showing. Find a partner without baggage.

GoT1904 · 01/08/2022 13:11

He obviously knows how important it is for children to be settled - as he's considering that for his own children in his home. But no, it's not fair to uproot you or your DC.

Original poster
TheOverthinkr · 01/08/2022 13:13

He was prepared to move and still is. The plan was for me to extend my existing home or for us to buy bigger so to accommodate a bigger family and he would look to finance but for his children to remain with their mother in their family home ( which was also the plan) would mean he comes away with a lot less money. Hence the need to consider buying further away from my area so that it's cheaper. Feels like we're in a rock and a hard place.

OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 01/08/2022 13:13

You need to consider your child and you. You don't need to consider his three children.
Why get involved in such an awful messy situation, I wouldn't even have considered it when I was a single mum, I wanted my son to have a good life, I didn't want to consider someone elses multiple children. I also wanted only my DS to inherit my property.
I think if you want this relationship to continue he will have to rent and you'll have to live seperately. This is so unfair on your child and she should be your only consideration before everything else.

FourTeaFallOut · 01/08/2022 13:15

Feels like we're in a rock and a hard place

Well, you're fine. Just keep it that way.

SpaceshiptoMars · 01/08/2022 13:15

Read the step parenting forum. Please.

NCHammer2022 · 01/08/2022 13:15

He should be prioritising his DC and you should be prioritising yours. That probably means you don’t move in together at the moment.

rainbowstardrops · 01/08/2022 13:16

I think you need to sit down and try to come up with other options. I wouldn't be happy to uproot my child if he isn't willing to compromise too.

Ponderingwindow · 01/08/2022 13:16

He shouldn’t be moving away and uprooting his kids any more than you should be moving and uprooting yours. You both need to be in close proximity to the other parent and to schools because that is in the best interest of your children.

You would probably be better off each keeping your own home. Whenever one of you does is not in your parenting time, you can go stay at the other place.

IncompleteSenten · 01/08/2022 13:17

I wouldn't negatively affect my child's relationship with their father to move for a new partner's children's benefit.

IR230622 · 01/08/2022 13:20

I wouldn't move that far from your DCs father if I were you. My DH and I live 50ish miles from my DSD and it is only feasible for us to have EOW and school holidays with her. We would love to have her more but it would be too far for her to go to school each day. I think you should prioritise your DC. But your DP also should prioritise his kids. So it's a tough situation that needs careful planning and consideration

maranella · 01/08/2022 13:20

You shouldn't stay put OP and I'm amazed that you're even considering moving so far away, just so your DP's ex can be nicely set up for the future. Fuck that!

You have your own home, which suits you and your DC, and is close to his dad. You're also close to the school in which your DC is happy and settled. Your life ain't broke, so don't be bullied into 'fixing' it to suit someone else and their set up.

maranella · 01/08/2022 13:20

You SHOULD, not shouldn't 🙄

Sunshinegirl82 · 01/08/2022 13:20

Can he buy somewhere suitable for him and his DC in his current location? Then you just carry on as you are with each of you having an investment and then you reconsider in a few years?

I think it's entirely valid for you not to want to move and it's probably quite risky for you to pour so much capital into a house that mainly accommodating his/his DC's needs.