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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm not prepared to move my life for his kids

138 replies

TheOverthinkr · 01/08/2022 13:00

AIBU..ive been with my OH for almost 6 years and in all that time things have been great. We had a 5 year plan ironed out as he was in the process of getting a divorce. However, things have started to feel strained as my home isn't big enough for his 3 and my 1 child so stayovers don't work ( I have a 2 bedroom house of which i have a mortgage of my own) . My OH has been renting a place for 3 years now as waiting for a financial settlement to be agreed before a divorce can take place. He's not asked for much in terms of cash so to keep his ex and their children in the same home. Yet now comes the discussion around me and him getting a home together, this was always in the plan but we are some years away from where we should be because my OH and his ex haven't been able to settle on a figure. The money he's offered won't be anywhere near enough to secure a deposit for a bigger house in the same area so he wants us to move further away? I don't think it's fair for me and my child to have to uproot away from the school ( child is in year 3) and away from my child's father - my child is very close to him and spends a lot of time with him...all so my OH kids can stay in their home with their mother and can have somewhere to stay when visiting me? I live 60 miles away from his rental but he's with me when he doesn't have his Children. Feels like it's a make or break situation as he's asking me to make all the sacrifices it would seem.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 01/08/2022 14:53

Your child comes first. Just continue as boyfriend and girlfriend, without the commitment of moving in together.

Hallamus · 01/08/2022 14:53

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy have you never made a 5 year plan with a partner/ for yourself? I'm the least type A person ever and I've done it, can't say it was all that terrifying.

Festoonlights · 01/08/2022 14:54

I have a five, ten and twenty year plan it’s hardly unusual. Some of it will happen, some may not. For financial regulation and planning it’s really important

FrancescaContini · 01/08/2022 14:55

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/08/2022 13:05

I don’t understand why people with existing children are always in a rush to blend families.

Just stay as boyfriend and girlfriend for the time being. Stay with your child in the house the suits you for as long as it does suit you both.

I don’t understand this either. What a mess. The poor kids.

Ugzbugz · 01/08/2022 14:56

Why was he going to move 60 miles away from his kids? My ex moved away and its just ridiculous, he can't come to any school stuff, help out, see his child mid week and everything has been left to me. Sounds like a selfish twat to me.

Trying20 · 01/08/2022 15:09

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StaunchMomma · 01/08/2022 15:09

You're right, OP. He's expecting you to give up so much. I take it you would have to sell your home for this new place to happen? That's a huge ask in itself, especially as he's expecting you to move an hour or more away and then child your having to change schools and the ensuing issues it will cause for her time with her father. Why would he think you'd want to do that?!

It sounds like your DP is more prepared to bend over to suit his ex wife than he is for you, unfortunately.

I'd be putting my own child first then a big fat foot down with regards to his demands.

I bet he'll come with the guilt, as they do, but it's just too much!!

Palg68 · 01/08/2022 15:12

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/08/2022 13:05

I don’t understand why people with existing children are always in a rush to blend families.

Just stay as boyfriend and girlfriend for the time being. Stay with your child in the house the suits you for as long as it does suit you both.

Exactly this!!!

I personally couldn't imagine it. Never mind the area just keep your own houses. He has 3 kids which is a lot compared to your 1 child... how would it work finicially more so on your part OP? Don't do it.

neverbeenskiing · 01/08/2022 15:18

You need to put your child first. Uprooting them from their home, making them leave their school and friends and move further from their Dad, to set up home with your DP and his kids would send a clear message to your child that they are no longer your no 1 priority. I think it's interesting that your DP doesn't seem to realise this given how keen he is to ensure his own DC continue to have the stability and security of staying in the family home. Dont get me wrong, he's right to want that stability for them but in your position I would be concerned that he was prepared to throw my DC under the bus to make it happen.
I am also wondering how a DC who has been an only child all their life will feel suddenly having to share their space with 3 other DC. I suppose the adults involved could 'sell' it to them as being an adventure and how fun its going to be but I would be willing to bet the novelty wears off quickly once reality sets in.

Trying20 · 01/08/2022 15:25

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lOPAS · 01/08/2022 15:25

I don't live with my DP of 4 years for this very reason. All but one child are 18+ but I'd never blend.

Worked out perfectly for us.

Original poster
TheOverthinkr · 01/08/2022 15:29

I'm not sure if if wasn't clear in my post but my OH of 6 years lives 60 miles away. I'm talking about moving to a bigger house in the same town, I wouldn't move my child that far away from their father. The plan was to buy a bigger house on the same road/ village or extend my current home but his money is unlikely to make that possible so I was just seeking some reassurance I guess as I have no intention to move my child out of their school or away from their father. It's just frustrating that for us all to be together it feels like he expects me to sacrifice my security and child's needs so not to disrupt his kids. I think I know what I need to do !! Keep things as they are and if it's meant to be its meant to be. But I WILL NOT BE MOVING!!! Thanks for all the helpful messages everyone.😊

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOverthinkr · 01/08/2022 15:30

Thats nice to hear xxx

OP posts:
Moonface123 · 01/08/2022 15:31

l definately wouldn 't, l wouldn' t even entertain the idea, its too high risk. Stay as you are, your daughter will thank you for it.

toobusytothink · 01/08/2022 15:32

As above. I don’t live with my DP of 4 years for this reason too. He needs a place near his kids’ school for when he has his kids and o need a lace near my kids’ school so we can’t move in together (we are only 35 mins from each other so it’s fine). He got a crap settlement from his divorce too so that his kids could have a bigger place with their mum as they are with her more, so his place is tiny but it has to do. He’s not there with them that often as on his weekends he can bring them to mine or take them to his parents. But I don’t think blending is a good idea anyway so I’m happy with the set up. I definitely would not move my kids it and wouldn’t expect him to either

Mally100 · 01/08/2022 15:32

TheOverthinkr · 01/08/2022 15:29

I'm not sure if if wasn't clear in my post but my OH of 6 years lives 60 miles away. I'm talking about moving to a bigger house in the same town, I wouldn't move my child that far away from their father. The plan was to buy a bigger house on the same road/ village or extend my current home but his money is unlikely to make that possible so I was just seeking some reassurance I guess as I have no intention to move my child out of their school or away from their father. It's just frustrating that for us all to be together it feels like he expects me to sacrifice my security and child's needs so not to disrupt his kids. I think I know what I need to do !! Keep things as they are and if it's meant to be its meant to be. But I WILL NOT BE MOVING!!! Thanks for all the helpful messages everyone.😊

That's great that you will be doing what's best for you and your dd. She is the most important factor here. It's a red flag that he's 6years on and no divorce. Seems like he was hoping that you would be the one to fall back on. There's no way you should be extending yourself financially to accommodate 3 other children at the expense of your own.

Original poster
TheOverthinkr · 01/08/2022 15:33

Terrifying?? Nope not my plan at all actually, he's the one keen to live together. I said for that to happen it would mean a bigger home in the same area so the plan was for that to become a reality he would need to find the money because I have mine and always have done.

You should never assume

OP posts:
Clymene · 01/08/2022 15:36

TheOverthinkr · 01/08/2022 15:29

I'm not sure if if wasn't clear in my post but my OH of 6 years lives 60 miles away. I'm talking about moving to a bigger house in the same town, I wouldn't move my child that far away from their father. The plan was to buy a bigger house on the same road/ village or extend my current home but his money is unlikely to make that possible so I was just seeking some reassurance I guess as I have no intention to move my child out of their school or away from their father. It's just frustrating that for us all to be together it feels like he expects me to sacrifice my security and child's needs so not to disrupt his kids. I think I know what I need to do !! Keep things as they are and if it's meant to be its meant to be. But I WILL NOT BE MOVING!!! Thanks for all the helpful messages everyone.😊

I think in your shoes I'd wonder when he realised that he wasn't going to have the money to fulfil the plan?

Surely he realised this a while ago?

PegasusReturns · 01/08/2022 15:37

He’s expecting you to subsidise his ex wife and DC to the detriment of your own DC.

You need to be very clear. If he wants to take less money so his DC can stay in the family home then there are three options:

You stay as boyfriend/girlfriend and he continues to visit when he doesn’t have DC.

You move into a slightly bigger house (using the money he brings to the table) in the same area but his DC have to compromise on the space available to them in their “secondary” home.

You split.

I’d go for option 3, this has heartache written all over it.

Quitelikeit · 01/08/2022 15:46

Why has it taken three years? Unless there are millions of pounds in their marriage to be distributed I think someone is having you on?!

its nice that he doesn’t want to see his children without a home but the courts make sure that both parents can be adequately housed with any monies

if he wants to make sacrifices then so be it but do not subsidise his ex and his children unless you feel that it is something you are completely happy about!!

Original poster
TheOverthinkr · 01/08/2022 15:50

Who mentioned marriage? I have no plans on getting married again thank-you . I've come on here for help! Literally the first time I've used this forum. Don't need a ring?? Who mentioned a ring- do you even know what post are you even responding to?

I've been called naive, lacking intelligence, resentful of an ex keeping the house??? What is wrong with some of you people..do you join these places to troll and spread you unhappiness.

My post was am I being unreasonable not wanting to move my child???

To the rest of you who have been honest( sometimes brutally too 🤭) thank you For your advice, shared experience and kind words of support.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 01/08/2022 15:52

Just out of interest, what would have been the plan if he had put money into extending your house but then you later split up? That’s seems risky for him also.

Applesonthelawn · 01/08/2022 15:53

You are absolutely right to put your child's stability first. Men really do come and go but children only have their childhood once. Glad to hear you have that approach.

Trying20 · 01/08/2022 15:53

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TooHotToTangoToo · 01/08/2022 15:55

It seems you are both putting your dc first, as you should do. However that also means you're at an impasse, as is he. If you don't want to move your dc away (and I agree with you not to), and he won't insist on taking more money out of the divorce (this affecting his dc) then you can't do anything other than wait until the dc are old enough to accommodate the move