I'm not prepared to move my life for his kids

[TheOverthinkr]

AIBU..ive been with my OH for almost 6 years and in all that time things have been great. We had a 5 year plan ironed out as he was in the process of getting a divorce. However, things have started to feel strained as my home isn't big enough for his 3 and my 1 child so stayovers don't work ( I have a 2 bedroom house of which i have a mortgage of my own) . My OH has been renting a place for 3 years now as waiting for a financial settlement to be agreed before a divorce can take place. He's not asked for much in terms of cash so to keep his ex and their children in the same home. Yet now comes the discussion around me and him getting a home together, this was always in the plan but we are some years away from where we should be because my OH and his ex haven't been able to settle on a figure. The money he's offered won't be anywhere near enough to secure a deposit for a bigger house in the same area so he wants us to move further away? I don't think it's fair for me and my child to have to uproot away from the school ( child is in year 3) and away from my child's father - my child is very close to him and spends a lot of time with him...all so my OH kids can stay in their home with their mother and can have somewhere to stay when visiting me? I live 60 miles away from his rental but he's with me when he doesn't have his Children. Feels like it's a make or break situation as he's asking me to make all the sacrifices it would seem.

He’s putting his children first - so should you

We had a 5 year plan ironed out

Christ, you sound terrifying. I'm assuming this was your plan?

And now he doesn't fit into it?

Just live separately, look after your children and then see each other? Why do you all have to live together? The kids will hate it.

Stay in separate homes until your children are in university or jobs.

I would definitely not be selling my place or marrying him if I was you! Sounds like he wants to pour all his money into the ex and the kids and let you prop up his future, whilst not giving a damn about the impact on your child. Seems the ex has been merrily stringing this out for years now so I doubt that will end soon, no doubt it benefits her to not let it end.

If this is make or break then it needs to break, don't let him force your hand on this one, you need to put your child first.

How old are all the children?

how much contact does he have now and expect to have when you are living together?

why can’t his family home be sold so both families (yours and his) can shuffle a bit closer together now so the children, assuming this is a serious relationship, can bond as step siblings too? my logic, if his kids have to stay in the family home why doesn’t that apply to yours? Why not have both families consider moving a bit closer so it’s fairer?

I don’t think a 5yr plan is terrible or terrifying as a PP suggested. It’s good to have a guide of where you want to be vs where you are.

how will your own personal 5 yr plan change if his plan goes ahead? Do you want that change?

Regardless of where you live, If you get married then the assets are shared - surely you want to protect your assets for your child ? Does this factor in your plans ?

It doesn't sound like it's possible for you to live together and both be near your children/children's other parent.

Putting your children first, you can't live together. It seems that simple.

Make your 5 year plan a 10 year plan and move in together when they're older.

Don't move and don't get married to him.

My OH and I have our own houses and we've been together several years. Things will change once his DS leaves for uni but uprooting either child was never an option and our arrangement works well.

Its great that he is prioritising his DC however you deciding to buy together allows him to get a bigger home for his DC. I dont see you gaining anything from this or your DC.

I would be prioritsing my own DC and putting him first and staying put. A man who seems to be amicable with his ex but yet after 6yrs isnt divorced and finances not resolved is a big issue in itself

Hell no!

So he has poured all of his money into setting up his own children with his ex, and now he is expecting you to move your child and house to prop up his future lifestyle.

Why on earth would you even consider this?
You are going to bank rolling him in time!
You are at risk of losing everything you have worked for if you marry him.

Live separately then trust funds for dc individually not collectively and move in when dd move out

You don't gain anything from this so don't do it. You don't have to live together!

He's got very little to bring to the table. What is he contributing? How much money will he be given in divorce. How much deposit is he contributing? This is all one sided. If you can't see that, and need MN to post out to the glaringly obvious, then you should be worried re your lack of insight intelligently and emotionally.

God no! Don’t do it!

Why on earth does the OP "sound terrifying"? Are you particularly easily scared by normal life plans that couples might have? tbh the boyfriend sounds far more "terrifying" if any of them are - he wants to uproot the OP's life, get her to sell her house, and can't sort out his divorce. His part of the 5 year plan sounds very beneficial to him.

And why should the OP give up on the idea of a healthy relationship living together with someone just because of this man and his lack of money? There might be someone out there better for her.

Yanbu. there’s no way I would have uprooted my DC from his dad and school. I made that very clear to DP from the beginning.

He’s putting his children first. you need to do the same for yours even if that means you live separately or come up with a different plan for how to afford a place big enough.

Can you not go with the original plan of extending your house?

I mean, if she was Stalin and in the midst of overseeing the Soviet Union, then I could see ‘terrifying’ being an apt description. As it is, she’s a woman that made a plan with her partner in regards to what their future would look like. Fairly normal tbh.

I can see her being resentful and think it’s a fairly reasonable response. He wants to keep his children and ex wife in the marital home so she’s got to put herself and her child out to make that happen? Absolutely fucking not.

Stay where you are OP. If it’s not feasible for him without having to fall back on you then he needs to reconsider his options. Do not marry him either, you don’t want to become financially entangled with him and lose half your assets in the event of a split. I doubt he would be so generous a second time.

If it were "just" moving schools, I'd consider it, but moving your child further from their father for the benefit of your partner's relationship with his own children wouldn't sit right with me.

Keep looking for other solutions that are more balanced in terms of what you each sacrifice.

How far does he want to move?

I assume he wouldn’t want to move too far away from his children anyway.

So it depends how far it’s going to be.

I wouldn’t completely rule it out but be honest about how you don’t want to move but you’re willing to look into other areas and see if it’s possible to make them work or not.

The only other option is to live completely separate which could be a deal breaker for him.

Why on earth do people insist on getting married when their existing children will suffer. You have your own home which your one child will inherit. Now you are going to throw this inheritance awY on a man and his three children. Why? So you can show a ring off and put Mrs on stuff. I dont get it at all.

I agree.

This , this and thrice this.

You are right not to consider moving, and being 60 miles away from his kids sounds hard.

And he is doing the right thing by prioritising the stability and security of his kids in the divorce settlement.

You simply need to be honest with him if you don't want to move. It is normal to want to live together, but if it's not for you speak up

another vote for staying put and let him do the same. Its not a given that a couple in a healthy relationship must progress to co-habiting if there are good practical reasons not too. It doesn't have to be the end of the road, if he is a good guy, it can work, but you have to balance all the factors.

this. neither of you are wrong. but yes its hard.

Don't do anything at all until they've got properly divorced and sorted themselves out financially.

Even then I wouldn't do anything if he's not prepared to make a sacrifice for you.

It's utterly batshit crazy to try and merge the concepts of 'divorce financial settlement' with 'how much do we need for a house' if you already own your own property and have a child.

Just prioritise your own child's needs instead of those of whoever you're shagging and whoever his kids might be.