I'm not prepared to move my life for his kids

[TheOverthinkr]

AIBU..ive been with my OH for almost 6 years and in all that time things have been great. We had a 5 year plan ironed out as he was in the process of getting a divorce. However, things have started to feel strained as my home isn't big enough for his 3 and my 1 child so stayovers don't work ( I have a 2 bedroom house of which i have a mortgage of my own) . My OH has been renting a place for 3 years now as waiting for a financial settlement to be agreed before a divorce can take place. He's not asked for much in terms of cash so to keep his ex and their children in the same home. Yet now comes the discussion around me and him getting a home together, this was always in the plan but we are some years away from where we should be because my OH and his ex haven't been able to settle on a figure. The money he's offered won't be anywhere near enough to secure a deposit for a bigger house in the same area so he wants us to move further away? I don't think it's fair for me and my child to have to uproot away from the school ( child is in year 3) and away from my child's father - my child is very close to him and spends a lot of time with him...all so my OH kids can stay in their home with their mother and can have somewhere to stay when visiting me? I live 60 miles away from his rental but he's with me when he doesn't have his Children. Feels like it's a make or break situation as he's asking me to make all the sacrifices it would seem.

Of course he’s keen to live with you. You have assets and he wants to use those assets to compensate for everything he’s giving to his wife in the divorce. and then he gets the benefits of a live partner.

He feels he can give her more of the marital assets because he can fall back on you, your income, your equity. But, your house isn’t big enough, and he’s not going to contribute enough so he wants you to uproot your and your child’s life so you can buy the kind of house he wants.

He needs to negotiate a sensible settlement with his wife. They’ve had 6 years to sort this out. She hasn’t gotten herself into a position where she can afford the house on her own while he gets a reasonable share of the assets so he can also house their children. It’s not up to you to provide the safety net that allows him to be more generous in this settlement.

Living apart together is definitely the way to go here. If that doesn’t suit him, then the relationship will never work.

On the basis of this I think I'd end it. Sorry.

No but the op said the divorce isn’t finalised due to financials which indicates that they can’t agree so in that case who decides?! A judge? Yes?

or will the wife magically wake up one day and agree something

60 miles if he drives isn't undoable.

His kids should be with their mum in the family home, your kid should be with you in yours.

I appreciate its a 2 bed, but presumably he doesn't have his kids more than a few days a week? I'd personally put all the kids in the bedrooms and then sleep downstairs with DH, or have you got a dining room or other room you can temporarily use as a bedroom?

This. The time is clearly not right. Stay as you are for now. It's worked well so far.

Glad to hear that you will not be moving @TheOverthinkr. I think that is the right decision.

As an aside - six years, and his divorce has been ongoing all that time? Is there a reason for it to have taken so long?

I think this post says it all really and I agree with it.

Still, you sound sensible OP and I read from your last post that you''re not going to move which is good.

He needs to negotiate a better settlement with his ex otherwise he'll end up in rented all his life. I bet once you tell him your not moving he re-negotiates with his ex.

Thing is, they have to negotiate a settlement that meets both of their needs. A horribly unbalanced one won’t be approved.

He’s clearly hoping the OP will rearrange her life so that she is meeting most of his (and his children’s) needs so he can just hand everything to his ex.

It is so common for divorced/divorcing men to look for a new partner who will provide a home for him and his children. And an income to cover his additional expenses. This seems to especially be the case where he’s had a more or less financially dependent wife.

It’s simply not in the OP’s interests to reorganise her entire life and make her assets and income available to him so that he can feel like the magnanimous exH who did the right thing. He needs to negotiate a settlement that looks at the assets in their marital pool and divides them to best meet both their needs.

Then think about what life might look like. Not view the OP as a way of compensating him for what he’s giving up.

I’d bet this too.

without the OP’s income and assets, it’s likely that he is going to recognise that he needs more of the marital asset pool
so he can house his children. He needs to stop seeing his girlfriend as a convenient way of avoiding financial discussions and responsibilities in his own life.

Both their parents need to be able to house them. If that means the FMH has to be sold and his ex needs to take more financial
responsibility for her life… so be it.

I agree, although I don't think the OP is rushing.

I wouldn't do this OP, sorry. And I say this as a single mum myself - I wouldn't uproot my children's lives.

I think you’re absolutely right to put your daughter’s needs first. The best solution seems to be that he pays for his own property wherever he likes for his dc.

I have an uncomfortable feeling though that he has been so understanding with his ex thinking that you are going to make up the difference in his mortgage. Be careful.

It's difficult. He is not unreasonable in wanting to sacrifice some cash in order to keep his children secure in their home. He is also not unreasonable in wanting to have a place where you can live together and accommodate all the DC. However, you are also not unreasonable to not want to uproot your child from their familiar home and close relationship with their father to make that happen.

It sounds like the status quo is the best solution for now and just keep an open mind if a solution that works for everyone presents itself.

So I've just worked out how to respond to message😳 so my replys albeit seemingly random they were in response to a comment or two- you people know who you are!!!

Regarding my original post!
I've been having all these thoughts and agree, just wasn't sure If I was being unreasonable and selfish. To some extent I have to be selfish- for my child right?
I work full time, have a great job, amazing relationship with my child's father- we are the best of friends who separated amicably . I wont jeopardise that..I can't!!

i just needed to hear it from others who are not emotionally invested .

Thank-you
@CharlieAndTooManyCharacters and @DenholmElliot1 x

Even if he had unlimited funds, he still shouldn’t be moving 60 miles away from his kids and their school. That would be an awful commute for them during his parenting time. How could that ever have been the plan? Was he only going to see his children on occasional weekends? Would you really want to partner with a man who thought that was ok?

Definitely a Them problem, not a You problem 😉

Firstly @Shehasadiamondinthesky your comment is not helpful

Secondly you should read, think , respond and then check your response before sending. But perhaps in you case to be extra sure..go back and read your comment to check its relevant to the post.

Lastly,
I've been a Mrs, had a sparkling ring - was married for 11 wonderful years . Albeit divorced now but hes my best friend and my OH is just fine with that. I have no intentions of marrying again thanks!!

So it’s fine for your child to be uprooted but not his?

He needs to finalise his divorce settlement first before you both plan, you selling your house to fund a move to a cheaper area can’t be his back up so he can set his ex up with the house. It’s insane that it’s taken 5 years, is he being expected to just walk away from the house and let his ex have it?

That's what it feels like hun.. we've been having these very conversations for the past 12 months now...I let things slide during covid but I can't anymore. I'm blunt but fair and he knows I'm not going to move for the very reasons people are pointing out on here. Its just frustrating when he can't see what we all can- or doesn't want to??

If you're not marrying just keep things as they are. Let him sort out his own issues regarding housing and children. If they come to a settlement his wifevmsy well have to downsize so moving may be on the cards for his children anyway.

It's not your problem.

Very very important that you keep your own front door in my opinion, if in the future it doesn’t work out you’ll still have a home, if you buy together and it doesn’t work out you’ll be having to sell up. Maybe move in with him, renting something bigger, rent yours for an income, but keep your safety net.

It sounds like as co-parents they unfortunately do not have the money to allow for the mum to stay in the family home with the kids, and the dad to buy a place big enough on his own for the kids to stay in.

Which really is his problem to sort out. The whys and wheres of where he lives with you are actually beside the point.

Having said that you are right that its a make or break situation. Because he is, understandable, more concerned about the welfare of his children than yours. And whilst that's great from his point of view, that's not someone who can be making life changing decisions for you and your child.

Your choices appear to be:

He lives in rented accommodation and stays with you when he doesn't have the children - as he does now
He comes to a different financial arrangement with his ex
You split up and go your separate ways

I am a bit 🙄that he is willing/needs you to find accommodation for his children whilst not taking yours into consideration, doesn't necessarily bode well for a blended family.

Your absolute priority is yourself and your own DC, period. But you already know this.

Since you (apparently) aren't considering marrying this man (wise move IMO) you need to carefully consider whether or not you even want to 'mix finances' by buying a house with him/extending your home. I certainly wouldn't, especially because it appears as if you will be funding the majority of the purchase! The exception would be if I could afford to extend my home on my own. If things go to shit in a few (or many) years you could be left without the wherewithal to buy another home. If it was just you, it might be less of a risk, but you have a child to consider. At the very least, before you make a hard and fast decision, see a good solicitor and educate yourself as to the ins and outs of buying a home with someone to whom you are not married and how to protect your investment.

You need to be honest with this man and tell him you are NOT moving and that (if you so decide) the joint purchase of a home/extending yours is off the table. No man is worth jeopardizing your financial security (ie a home).

He doesn't necessarily sound a cocklodger per se, just a typical man who thinks "This is the way it should be because it solves MY problem" without regards to the consequences on their partner.

I get where you are coming from OP. He has compromised with his ex and in order for his kids to stay in the family home but is now expecting you and you child to move instead. Just tell him. No, you don't want to uproot your lives either. Carry on as you are. How old are his kids? Have they agreed a timeframe for his ex to keep the house etc?

Entered too soon.

I'm not criticizing this man for putting his own children first and wanting to have accommodations for them. It's right that he should do so. But he needs to do this on his own and not expect you to facilitate him doing so, OP.