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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm not prepared to move my life for his kids

138 replies

TheOverthinkr · 01/08/2022 13:00

AIBU..ive been with my OH for almost 6 years and in all that time things have been great. We had a 5 year plan ironed out as he was in the process of getting a divorce. However, things have started to feel strained as my home isn't big enough for his 3 and my 1 child so stayovers don't work ( I have a 2 bedroom house of which i have a mortgage of my own) . My OH has been renting a place for 3 years now as waiting for a financial settlement to be agreed before a divorce can take place. He's not asked for much in terms of cash so to keep his ex and their children in the same home. Yet now comes the discussion around me and him getting a home together, this was always in the plan but we are some years away from where we should be because my OH and his ex haven't been able to settle on a figure. The money he's offered won't be anywhere near enough to secure a deposit for a bigger house in the same area so he wants us to move further away? I don't think it's fair for me and my child to have to uproot away from the school ( child is in year 3) and away from my child's father - my child is very close to him and spends a lot of time with him...all so my OH kids can stay in their home with their mother and can have somewhere to stay when visiting me? I live 60 miles away from his rental but he's with me when he doesn't have his Children. Feels like it's a make or break situation as he's asking me to make all the sacrifices it would seem.

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 01/08/2022 13:21

So he wants his kids to stay in the family home, but your kid needs to move to facilitate this? It would be a no from me.

JudgeRindersMinder · 01/08/2022 13:21

Why are people so often surprised that a financial settlement divorce won’t fund 2 houses of the same size to house all the children? Surely this hasn’t come as news to him?

Zilla1 · 01/08/2022 13:21

FWIW, your priority might be staying in your house which prioritises your DC. Based on his choices about financial settlements, if his priority to to seek to buy a house further away that is large enough to have his DC sleep for whatever period then he should fund that himself. In effect his choice to have enough money to buy a large enough house was traded rightly to enable his DC stay in their family home but he is wrong to impose his preferences to your detriment. He understood the consequences when he propsoed the settlement. If you want to stay together then encourage him to see it in those terms and that he'll see his children more by being closer to them but I would not sell up and impose those costs on your DC. Good luck.

womaninatightspot · 01/08/2022 13:21

I don’t see how this works for you and your child. I’d suggest that you stay as you are with him renting until he is able to finance a house purchase.

Midnightblack · 01/08/2022 13:23

Put your child first.
He needs you to do that and nobody else is going to.

Hankunamatata · 01/08/2022 13:24

Could you rent your house out and then rent bigger house together in the area you live?

Cantbeliveyoufakeit · 01/08/2022 13:24

Would settling with his exW improve what he will be able to put into the new house? What exactly is the delay with his financial settlement? I would be wanting all that sorted before I looked at buying somewhere together anyway so anything he's proposing now would be a moot point tbh. Bit unfair to expect you to make such a big move when he can't even finalise his divorce and it kind of reinforces the impression that he thinks you and your DC matter less than him and his. I wouldn't be going anywhere in your shoes, are you actually even unhappy with the current set up or is it him pushing to live together?

Ponderingwindow · 01/08/2022 13:24

IncompleteSenten · 01/08/2022 13:17

I wouldn't negatively affect my child's relationship with their father to move for a new partner's children's benefit.

It depends on how far you move and if the father was ever present in the child’s life. Generally though, If it prevents weekday visits, the ability to do the school run, go to doctors appointments, or show up to the school play, then it impacts the relationship.

Therealjudgejudy · 01/08/2022 13:24

Put your own child first

RedHelenB · 01/08/2022 13:25

Xiaoxiong · 01/08/2022 13:06

Why do you need to move in together? If you've been together 6 years and all is going well, why not keep your own places?

This. It seems like you're resentful his ex is getting to keep the house to me. If you don't want to move then dont.

Devotedcatslave · 01/08/2022 13:25

It does seem massively unfair. He is saying his DC must stay in their home, and yours should move to accommodate that. Is extending your existing house not an option with the money he'll come away with? Even if it would take a while to save up, that sounds like a better option than uprooting you and your DC. If not I'd say living apart until DC are grown up is the better option. How is your DP generally? Does he expect his DC to take priority when all of you are together?

Ponderingwindow · 01/08/2022 13:26

@IncompleteSenten

i misread your statement and substituted and “It” for and “I”which completely changed the meaning. I really wish we had a short-term edit feature.

Pizza2P0cket · 01/08/2022 13:31

He has not finalised his divorce yet

No point in any planning until then

Protect your assets & child

Clymene · 01/08/2022 13:31

So you and your child are supposed to uproot your lives so that his children aren't disrupted?

Well it's laudable that he's prioritising his own children's wellbeing, you need to do the same for yours.

I'd just carry on as you are. You don't need to live together.

KettrickenSmiled · 01/08/2022 13:33

Hold on - he's had SIX YEARS to sort out finalising his divorce & financial settlement - but still hasn't managed it?

WTF is going on with him?

Do NOT uproot your DC's lives & schooling just to make his ex-wife's life more comfortable, or to allow him to continue his passive acceptance of the situation.

LittleOwl153 · 01/08/2022 13:34

Of your child sees their father often, rather than eow the I would think he can blockba move which stops this from reasonably happening. Perhaps your new partner should consider this and appreciate it is not all about his kids.

If the ex wife is delaying the divorce because of money then she isn't going to agree to release more funds to him so he can house himself in a more expensive area to suit another family is she?

I think the reality of this situation is that he needs to take the divorce to court and get what he's entitled to. That might mean the kids moving - hopefully they will be able to get a smaller property in the same area so their loves are not too disrupted either. But it will resolve the issue.

You need probably to give him a decision - EITHER he finds £X,000 to buy into and extend your home to make it suitable for 6 people,
OR he finds the funds required (with your support to cover a fair proportion) to buy a home in your child's catchment/close by childs father for all 6 of you
OR life moves on and either you split or continue as you are until the kids are independant.

Clearly your 5 year plan means nothing if he isn't prepared to seek sufficient from his divorce to realise it for everyone. I wouldn't attempt to uproot your kid from their father for someone who doesn't see them worth considering in all of this.

SamPoodle123 · 01/08/2022 13:35

If you live seperately, why do his kids need to stay at yours? Can they not just continue to stay and visit their father and his rental? And he can stay with you when he does not have his kids.....

butterflied · 01/08/2022 13:36

He isn't even divorced yet. Your priority should be yourself and yourself.

Lobelia123 · 01/08/2022 13:37

I think you have good instincts. In you rpost you say, you are not prepared to move to accommodate his life, and that it feels like you're expected to make all the sacrifices. You are spot on. Trust those instincts and stick to your guns. Dont sell your child out and compromise your home and financial security for a man - even one youve been in a long term relationship with. All the decisions he wants to make here are very much in favour of him, his children and his ex-wife. I also think it sets a precendent. Next time and for all future practical and financial decisions, what are the odds that once again, you and your child will be exepected to make the compromises and disadvantage yourself for everyone ahead of you in the queue of his priorities - ie him, his kids and even his ex. You have to stand up for yourself and more importantly, for your child.

IR230622 · 01/08/2022 13:37

What does your DCs dad think about it? How often do they have your DC? Would he potentially fight to have them live with them so they wouldn't have their lives uprooted?

butterflied · 01/08/2022 13:37

*your child and yourself!

Pipsquiggle · 01/08/2022 13:42

Your DC is 10?

How old are his DC? How much access does he get to them?

He's essentially asking you and your DC to sacrifice your life / home / relationship with ex, so that you can have a bigger residence to house his DC 3 days out of every 14?

Doesn't sound like a sensible solution to me. I would stay put

AchatAVendre · 01/08/2022 13:43

SIX YEARS for him to agree a settlement figure?

I live 60 miles away from his rental but he's with me when he doesn't have his Children.

Are you sure he's not still living in the family home?

Blanketpolicy · 01/08/2022 13:44

He isn't rushing that divorce is he? Six years!

You cannot plan unless that is done and you both know where you actually stand financially. There is no reason why the financial settlement should have taken this long.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 01/08/2022 13:45

You sound like you have your head screwed on right. It would be awful of you to make your child move away from her father, her school and her home just so that you can have a bigger house for your partners contact weekends.

Presumably you’re hoping this relationship lo be with you for the rest of yours or his life, so there’s no rush. Your children will all grow up so quickly, and you’ll have many years left to set up a home with your partner when their needs aren’t your priority.