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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm not prepared to move my life for his kids

138 replies

TheOverthinkr · 01/08/2022 13:00

AIBU..ive been with my OH for almost 6 years and in all that time things have been great. We had a 5 year plan ironed out as he was in the process of getting a divorce. However, things have started to feel strained as my home isn't big enough for his 3 and my 1 child so stayovers don't work ( I have a 2 bedroom house of which i have a mortgage of my own) . My OH has been renting a place for 3 years now as waiting for a financial settlement to be agreed before a divorce can take place. He's not asked for much in terms of cash so to keep his ex and their children in the same home. Yet now comes the discussion around me and him getting a home together, this was always in the plan but we are some years away from where we should be because my OH and his ex haven't been able to settle on a figure. The money he's offered won't be anywhere near enough to secure a deposit for a bigger house in the same area so he wants us to move further away? I don't think it's fair for me and my child to have to uproot away from the school ( child is in year 3) and away from my child's father - my child is very close to him and spends a lot of time with him...all so my OH kids can stay in their home with their mother and can have somewhere to stay when visiting me? I live 60 miles away from his rental but he's with me when he doesn't have his Children. Feels like it's a make or break situation as he's asking me to make all the sacrifices it would seem.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOverthinkr · 01/08/2022 17:04

FrancescaContini · 01/08/2022 14:55

I don’t understand this either. What a mess. The poor kids.

Show quote history

@FrancescaContini @GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing We are in no rush but thanks for your comment- that's how it's got to be as far as I'm concerned. It's not a mess btw, the children are fine and we all hook up every now and again. They have a home with their dad who is 30 mins away from their mum and my child is 5- 10 mins away from their dad. My OH and I are just trying to build one family home whereby we can all be together, it's just not going to be possible is my conclusion- not without upset so we are to remain as we are.

OP posts:
DashboardConfessional · 01/08/2022 17:06

I agree. It isn't possible with his finances and the location of the other 2 parents.

Original poster
TheOverthinkr · 01/08/2022 17:07

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/08/2022 16:07

Glad to hear that you will not be moving @TheOverthinkr. I think that is the right decision.

As an aside - six years, and his divorce has been ongoing all that time? Is there a reason for it to have taken so long?

@WhereYouLeftIt serious illness and a death delayed things massively. It wasn't appropriate nor possible to some extent to progress. Thank you for your support x

OP posts:
whumpthereitis · 01/08/2022 17:11

This reply has been deleted

This post has been withdrawn by the OP

If he wants to move on and be able to buy a house big enough to house him and his children then yes, that’s exactly what he needs to do. It’s an unfortunate reality of divorce that marital assets normally need to be sold so as to fairly set up both parties in their single lives.

He absolutely should be doing that rather than thinking OP is going to cover his shortfall and/or accommodate him by uprooting her life and that of her son.

CallOnMe · 01/08/2022 17:14

I would just stay as is and re-visit the idea in a year or 2.

I can see why he wants to move in together but not make his ex and children move out of their home.
But I can also see why you don’t want to move your daughter 60 miles away from her dad.

Have you discussed the possibility of not moving in together for at least another 10 years?

whumpthereitis · 01/08/2022 17:14

TheOverthinkr · 01/08/2022 17:04

@FrancescaContini @GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing We are in no rush but thanks for your comment- that's how it's got to be as far as I'm concerned. It's not a mess btw, the children are fine and we all hook up every now and again. They have a home with their dad who is 30 mins away from their mum and my child is 5- 10 mins away from their dad. My OH and I are just trying to build one family home whereby we can all be together, it's just not going to be possible is my conclusion- not without upset so we are to remain as we are.

Show quote history

What’s his reaction been to you telling him that?

DashboardConfessional · 01/08/2022 17:16

whumpthereitis · 01/08/2022 17:11

If he wants to move on and be able to buy a house big enough to house him and his children then yes, that’s exactly what he needs to do. It’s an unfortunate reality of divorce that marital assets normally need to be sold so as to fairly set up both parties in their single lives.

He absolutely should be doing that rather than thinking OP is going to cover his shortfall and/or accommodate him by uprooting her life and that of her son.

Show quote history

This is the thing. If I split with DH, we have had one child and would be able to comfortably sell our 4 bed for a 2 bed each. You can't make one family 4 bed home (housing 2 adults, 3 kids) into two 3 beds on the same budget. That's before you even start blending families!

SleepingStandingUp · 01/08/2022 17:19

for us all to be together it feels like he expects me to sacrifice my security and child's needs so not to disrupt his kids

Well you don't want to sacrifice your kids security, which is reasonable. He doesn't want to sacrifice his children's decker, which is also reasonable.

Why should he threaten his kids security just so he can live further away from them?

Deafdonkey · 01/08/2022 17:23

FreezerOrgReq · 01/08/2022 16:57

Very very important that you keep your own front door in my opinion, if in the future it doesn’t work out you’ll still have a home, if you buy together and it doesn’t work out you’ll be having to sell up. Maybe move in with him, renting something bigger, rent yours for an income, but keep your safety net.

This, you are lucky that you are amicable with your ex but most don't end up like that.

Also for inheritance, you will have to divi up the house four ways.

From someone that I trapped I strongly advise you to keep your own house.

Deafdonkey · 01/08/2022 17:30

SleepingStandingUp · 01/08/2022 17:19

for us all to be together it feels like he expects me to sacrifice my security and child's needs so not to disrupt his kids

Well you don't want to sacrifice your kids security, which is reasonable. He doesn't want to sacrifice his children's decker, which is also reasonable.

Why should he threaten his kids security just so he can live further away from them?

But he wants the OP to fund it.

SwedeCarrotLime · 01/08/2022 17:55

It's just not practical for you to move in together at the moment. It sounds like it would be very sensible for you to keep your independent home with your DC for now. I wouldn't be in any hurry to change the status quo.

BungleandGeorge · 01/08/2022 18:31

A judge has to approve all financial settlements to ensure that they are fair to both parties. If she gets the house it will be because legally she’s entitled to it. If the children are there most the time she may well be allowed to stay in it regardless until they are 18. Can’t he get a mortgage for the extension? It j mu use be cheaper than moving away. Or is he expecting you to subsidise him financially? How often does he actually have the children?

NannyOggsWhiskyStash · 01/08/2022 18:45

What about his ex wife's income, is she not going to be contributing to the cost of the home for her kids?

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