To not want to celebrate people's weddings/marriages

[Waferbiscuit]

There are a number of people in my office getting married and the grumpy old cynic in me is finding it hard to get excited. I'm not sure marriage means much these days, what with the almost 50% divorce rate. Given that it's a commitment that is fairly easy to escape from, what exactly are we celebrating - the hope that it will work out or a legal contract committing them to one another?

In fact I can't help but feel that for many couples marriage is primarily the joining together of two people's assets and/or protecting one another, and in that way perhaps couples need to be more discrete about marriage, a bit like one is when they win the lotto or come into an inheritance.... keep it quiet.

Of course if couples do want to make an emotional commitment to each other, that's between them and seems like something you'd agree to privately.

I'm happy to celebrate major achievements in life that involve a lot of effort, things like someone graduating with a Phd or getting a black belt in karate. But celebrating a commitment that can easily be unravelled or a legal contract that ensures the sharing of assets... well that doesn't seem much to celebrate, does it? AIBU?

My mother too. She us the world's most efficient mood hoover, fun sponge. Miserable, grumpy old crunt.

You could be charitable and wish for them that it is a happy day. I wonder if the smaller the wedding, the higher percentage that are 'til death us do part'.

I think that's a sad place to be in OP. I don't really care about colleague's weddings but overall I'm happy for other people when they happen. You sound too cynical, IMO.

@balalake

Actually studies suggest this isn’t the truth. Registery marriages often end in divorce often because they are often done by people who are in the lower income bracket, which has higher divorce rates.

Are you a misogynist? You sound very sexist!

You imply single women are bitter because they’re somehow incomplete without a man.

And for all those calling OP a fun sponge, she’s not actually saying this stuff aloud. She’s simply critiquing an old institution and saying what a lot of us are thinking.

It’s a cultural milestone, it’s important for communities to have those sort of markings. It’s great that it doesn’t have to be religious. But like funerals, graduations, housewarmings it’s great that a fair proportion of the population mark them in some way….

I was single for years, escaped abusive relationship and had a child alone. Found dp age 35 and just booked our wedding yesterday.

I am well aware that it might not work but recently we have had a pandemic, the climate crisis, rising cost of living, family deaths etc so damn right i am organising a piss up / ceilidh to celebrate. We are going budget too

You must be in a pretty bleak place if being happy for someone else is such a difficult, rare thing for you that you don’t want to waste it.

I find this a very weird post for several reasons but mainly the emphasis on the divorce rate as if, years go, marriages were blissfully happy. They werent. Years ago, divorce was incredibly taboo and due to women not being financially equal, many women stayed in miserable marriages because they couldnt afford to get out and it would have made them a social pariah. So, if you are looking at statistics as a guide to tell you that more marriages are failing now, you are very much wrong.

Marriage will continue to be wonderful and successful for many people, and miserable and horrid for many others. Marriage isnt good or bad, it just is what it is and will work for many and not for many others. If you dont want to get married, then dont. But you are coming across as rather bitter and unpleasant to be so mean spirited as to begrudge a newly wed even a congratulatory wish.

As PP have mentioned, getting a year older takes zero effort at all- does that mean we should never wish anyone a happy birthday? what about having a baby- all theyve done is have sex, why should we congratulate that?

I pity you. I wouldnt like to live in your head- it sounds rather horrible.

I think a wedding is a celebration of love and hope. Hope is a beautiful thing. I am a marriage critic in many ways too but i'm going to try it once to see how it goes.

Many feminists have been critical of marriage as a concept and it's fair and reasonable to suggest if an institution is not upheld in the way it used to that it has less value.

OP for a different perspective I suggest you read some Louise Perry or Mary Harrington who are both feminists who have made the feminist case for marriage, very persuasively imo.

As I get older the more I believe that two of the factors which have contributed to my success in life have been my parents' marriage and my own marriage. Both have provided an absolute rock of stability which is the foundation I have built upon. There is huge evidence that marriage is by far the best environment in which to bring up children and that societies which have monogamous marriage are more successful overall.

So I think marriage is something to be celebrated, and actually I think the public nature of it is very important, and not something that would be better done privately at all.

The dementor analogy was an accurate one for you OP!

Just decline the invite. Most people are happy to attend weddings and celebrate joy for a friend

I think the hope is exactly what's worth celebrating.

I really enjoy weddings unless there's some specific reason to feel otherwise. I've got enough reasons to be miserable.

Yes, of course marriages can go wrong. Anything can. What, we should never try?

And of course you don't have to be ecstatic about the weddings of people you don't know very well. If they are supposed to be special to you, though, it's hard to see why you wouldn't be pleased that they're happy even if it's not the same life you would choose. Doesn't seem "above it" or sensible or cool, just seems churlish.

Because all single people are bitter and all married ones are happy don’t you know?

On the divorce rate point - I don't think the couple have to stay together forever for it to be have been worth celebrating the marriage / wedding

I’m not really a fan of weddings either. The £10k plus affairs seem like such a waste of money to me and DH and I had a much smaller more low key affair. However I appreciate everyone’s different. My close friend was so radiantly happy at her wedding it was a joy to see. 20 years later they are getting divorced but I don’t think that negates her happiness at the time.

I hope you decline any invitations then so people don't waste money on your meal etc.

And I think I'd be happier celebrating marriages now that are relatively easy to get out of, rather than back in the day where it was hard to get divorced.

Back then I'd probably be shouting 'don't do it!!!' - the idea that people would HAVE to stay together even if it became miserable or abusive is terrifying

But I loathe weddings and all who sail in them. The hysteria, the expense, the way they funnel people into being obsessed with nonsense like table setting etc.
this bit I agree with, the Wedding with all its excesses, but what’s wrong with celebrating two people’s joy and love? The intention to join their lives together?

Sounds like you have a pretty miserable life, trying to suck everyone's joy away 😂

FFS. Stay home then. Is it more that you're being asked to contribute to the wedding gifts that has you miserable? If you wouldn't celebrate with them you don't need to contribute to the gifts, just stay quiet. Let people have nice things, even if you don't think they're nice.

For me, it depends how cynical I am about the people getting married.

I went to a family wedding very cynical as I knew the ceremony would just formalise the total control the wife had over the groom. Ten years later he has a thumb print on his head a mile wide and they are as seaside postcard embarrassing now as they were on their big day.

With some people I hold in esteem, I go because it's nice to see them happy. After that, the chips fall where they fall - nothing to do with me.