To not want to celebrate people's weddings/marriages

[Waferbiscuit]

There are a number of people in my office getting married and the grumpy old cynic in me is finding it hard to get excited. I'm not sure marriage means much these days, what with the almost 50% divorce rate. Given that it's a commitment that is fairly easy to escape from, what exactly are we celebrating - the hope that it will work out or a legal contract committing them to one another?

In fact I can't help but feel that for many couples marriage is primarily the joining together of two people's assets and/or protecting one another, and in that way perhaps couples need to be more discrete about marriage, a bit like one is when they win the lotto or come into an inheritance.... keep it quiet.

Of course if couples do want to make an emotional commitment to each other, that's between them and seems like something you'd agree to privately.

I'm happy to celebrate major achievements in life that involve a lot of effort, things like someone graduating with a Phd or getting a black belt in karate. But celebrating a commitment that can easily be unravelled or a legal contract that ensures the sharing of assets... well that doesn't seem much to celebrate, does it? AIBU?

no its higher hegarty.co.uk/news/uk-divorce-rates-2022/

I somehow doubt you’ll be missed at these weddings tbh.

Given that it's a commitment that is fairly easy to escape from

fairly easy? No, it really isn’t.

Lol no. People arent upset you are questioning marriage- you have every right not to get married, not to agree with marriage, not to like it, and not to do it- you are perfectly entitled to that view.

The reason people are reacting as they are is because you come across as so miserly that you cannot seem to accept that others choose to live differently to you and therefore you refuse to congratulate them. EG. If a person celebrates a different religious festival to me, I will happily wish them a happy time according to what it is they are celebrating. For me to whine on about well, I DONT agree with that religion so I'm going to refuse to say anything and I'm going to avoidothat person and I'm going to piss on their cornflakes because I personally live my life in the exact same way makes me come across like an intolerant, ignorant bigot. The same principle is happening here and its why people are saying they are glad they arent you. Because you are coming across as deeply unpleasant.

Actually OP/my fellow nerds it's a bit more complicated than that. There's a brilliantly interesting table (table 2 in the 2013 link here): www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/divorce/datasets/divorcesinenglandandwalesageatmarriagedurationofmarriageandcohortanalyses

That gives the cumulative divorce rates by how long people have been married etc. 42% is the highest number to be seen anywhere on the chart so no surprise the divorce solicitors chose to feature that one! NB these are the most recent of these figures and finish in 2011 so we don't know what's happened since.

I work with a mood hoover like you! She can find something negative about anything…

Wow you really are a dour joyless fun sucker of a human ain't ya.

I find attending weddings a pain the a😳. My own included. So much faff, expense, blah. Have recommended to son to elope. But think his partner has other ideas.

I’m not a big wedding fan and certainly don’t see it as a status symbol, but you don’t have to celebrate anything you don’t want to. Would probably be a nice thing to not piss on the chips of those people that are happy to be getting married though.

And I disagree with your comment that because marriages can be dissolved more easily means it’s not as important. It means that women are now regarded as human beings and not property. A woman couldn’t get a mortgage on her own until the 70s, so no wonder they didn’t get divorced as often.

Hardly a waning institution if multiple coworkers of yours are getting engaged/ married and divorce has been in steady decline in the past 20 years, is it?

I have to say, aside from OP being a bit of a killjoy, I love the competitive people who come out on these threads.
“I spent £20 on a registrar, borrowed a dress from a friend of a friend and got married in a box, and here we are, still together after 20 years. I don’t get why people pay over the odds!’ 😂😂

It’s down to the compatibility, commitment and respect between the couple, not the money spent. If I’d have married my ex in a £200 wedding we’d still have divorced after he bashed my face in. Instead I married my amazing husband and we spent £13,000 on our wedding many moons ago as we were in a fortunate living situation (no, not with parents, it was quite unique) and we’re here stronger than ever having stuck together through deaths, pregnancy losses, births, redundancies and serious life-long conditions.

I’m unmarried and been with my partner for a good number of years, we have young children together and we have no interest in getting married. We cannot justify spending lots of money on a day we ourselves won’t enjoy. We have talked about it for the other reasons you’ve mentioned, so we know we’re alright when we’re older. For me, if we were to get married it’s more about being married, not the getting married. I have nothing against any of it for other people, they should do what makes them happy, but like you, I cba with weddings. I know that makes me sounds miserable but they’re just long boring days. I’ve been to few weddings and there was only one that I enjoyed.

@Waferbiscuit the cynic in me completely agrees with you. Ive been burned in life!

I don't see the point in paying mega bucks so people can enjoy a free three course meal at your expense.

My fiance and i already have assets merged, we have a mortgage and a joint account. Whats the point in getting married....

I shouldn't say it because I'm Catholic...but there are a few reasons why.

One of my dads cousin's got married a few years ago...a fancy do...we all shlepped off to some country house in the south...really posh place...we're all talking famous people married there, and we HAD to stay there the night of the wedding at great cost!!!!
Whole family took three days out of our lives to enjoy the blessed day, the day before we travelled down, stayed in a hotel at great cost, the day of the wedding. Bride and groom barely mingled with us just their friends and then the day after when we travelled back, they were too busy so we didn't say bye before we left, we had to leave as partner had to get the car back to his disabled dad. Sadly the moment we got back i had nasty messages from the groom saying how ungrateful I was despite giving up three days of my life and money to spend time celebrating with him!!!

Then, a few months ago, we christened my son, right at the beginning of the omicron drama...but apparently because i asked relatives to wear masks whose partner had covid and couldn't attend, i really hurt them....ruining my sons day and making me cry.

Im eloping and telling noone that way i don't upset anyone!!

I just wanted to add that the significance of marriage also depends on your culture /religion and ones background and beliefs etc. As a Christian, for example, getting married is more than a piece of paper and it symbolises something beyond just the wedding day, dress, cake and the other things you listed. I’m not sure this person’s background, but I can imagine there is a limited perspective on this matter. Speak to people from different communities and your views about this so called wanting institution will be enlightened. Side note: I’m not sure the level of diversity on mums net but I have found (in my opinion) that many conversations are often driven by or from one particular group of people/one cultural background and views are generalised to everyone else making it seem like all groups of people have the same outlook. You a thought.

*im eloping if i ever do decide to get married...sorry

Should be “waning Institution” and “just a thought”.

Your taking the whole thing too seriously OP liven up!

If you don’t want to them don’t! I would be fuming if I shelled out money for you to come and chose you above someone else then found out you didn’t want to even be there.

Are you married oP?
I'm married and really not a wedding person. They are so boring if you go for the whole day!
I’m

Oops. I’m glad we just got married late and had a party! Nobody was hanging around waiting for hours.

Stay at home then and donet bring your negativity to their special occasion not every marriage ends in divorce and its lovely to be invited to any occasion to celebrate someone's happiness life is too short to be so miserable

It must take almighty effort to actively begrudge celebrating happiness.

Marriage is a big deal in people's lives and it makes sense for them to want to celebrate that step with the people they love. It makes sense to be less bothered about people that you work with as you don't tend to be that close to them. So I can understand you being meh about it but that doesn't mean people shouldn't be able to celebrate their relationship of they want to.

I know what you mean, OP. But don’t put yourself under pressure to feel and show genuine joy for other people’s happiness and celebrations.. simply remember to say the right thing, do the right thing. Weddings can be an awful bore, new babies all look the same… but easy to say Lovely/congratulations/ how beautiful/ I’d love to come etc etc.

the posters who are accusing you of being a grump etc just don’t get it . Ignore them 🙂

Ahh that’s sad - you sound about sad, just my opinion !
weddings are a cause for celebration …

Very torn on this one. While I accept that unfortunately a lot of couples seem to be completely focused on the wedding day rather than their married life thereafter, it seems the OP is being terribly pessimistic: I hold onto the idea that on their wedding day, most couples intend their marriage to be forever. I think that is a commitment that should be celebrated.
Not sure how I feel about only celebrating achievements. If you follow this to it’s logical conclusion, a university graduation shouldn’t be celebrated as it only reflects that the student had the good fortune to have the genetic gift of intelligence, a parental example of hard work and ( often) parental support in terms of time and money.