To not want to celebrate people's weddings/marriages

[Waferbiscuit]

There are a number of people in my office getting married and the grumpy old cynic in me is finding it hard to get excited. I'm not sure marriage means much these days, what with the almost 50% divorce rate. Given that it's a commitment that is fairly easy to escape from, what exactly are we celebrating - the hope that it will work out or a legal contract committing them to one another?

In fact I can't help but feel that for many couples marriage is primarily the joining together of two people's assets and/or protecting one another, and in that way perhaps couples need to be more discrete about marriage, a bit like one is when they win the lotto or come into an inheritance.... keep it quiet.

Of course if couples do want to make an emotional commitment to each other, that's between them and seems like something you'd agree to privately.

I'm happy to celebrate major achievements in life that involve a lot of effort, things like someone graduating with a Phd or getting a black belt in karate. But celebrating a commitment that can easily be unravelled or a legal contract that ensures the sharing of assets... well that doesn't seem much to celebrate, does it? AIBU?

I think the problem is weddings have become so extra.
No-one needs the castle/ country club/ string quartet/ retro caravan/ glamping / vera wang dress stuff.

We are doing a cheapish do in the lovely town hall.

I have heard some hilarious stories of bridezillas breaking friends with bridesmaids who won't pay thousands for a hen do in vegas.

Im not doing bridesmaids, speeches, car hire, expensive flowers etc.

Im spending my money on a nice buffet and a band. Still a lot of money though.

I was quoted £2000 to hire a barn for 1 night!! Er...no!

@Trying20

It was very similar in essence - it was for life and women were in the home and expected to bear children. That was marriage in a nutshell.

To pretend that modern marriage with its high divorce rate where you can divorce for any reason and still get the kids or whatever isn’t radically different from centuries preceding where you couldn’t divorce and if you did you wouldn’t be getting squat is false.

Acting like all changes across time to marriage are equivelant in size and all people across time felt like “things aren’t what they used to be” in the same way about marriage is just not true.And tbh it sounds like your just saying that to convince yourself marriage is just like it’s always been. It’s not. It’s less important and meaningful, less binding and therefore less worth celebrating.

I agree weddings are boring. But I attend smile and eat the food drink the drinks if I have to go. Even worse when it’s a 2nd/3rd etc wedding. Can’t quite muster the same yay.

I went out of my way in that post to say I didn't feel like this about marriage. I feel like this about weddings.

Weddings have this very odd effect on women's critical thinking skills (there's five pages of posts of people accusing OP of being "bitter" because she is not arbitrarily ecstatic at the prospect of a near strangers' wedding).

They also just take up a vast amount of time, money and energy (both that of the couple and anyone sucked into their yoke) and when people are planning a wedding they lose the ability to have an intelligent or interesting conversation about anything else.

When people commit to spending the rest of their lives with one another of course I wish them the best. But I'm damned if this means I have to pretend to be excited when a colleague shows me, for the fifth time, a bunch of pictures on their phone of some flower arrangements or napkins and seeks my view on them, when I was having a much more interesting conversation in the first place.

It is possible both to wish the best for people in their marriage but also to be slightly bored talking about the bloody thing and wish it was over already.

Clearly marriage in modern society means both less to individuals and to society than it has at any other time in the past.

@Thepeopleversuswork I disagree that couples planning a wedding lose the ability to talk about anything else - I think the problem is no one asks them about anything else during the process. That’s certainly what happened when we planned our wedding - it was literally the only thing our families, colleagues, friends ever talked about. I remember I got promoted during the time of wedding plannning and was working on a big project with a massive client and I tried to discuss it with my Mum, and she immediately asked me about the florist! It drove me nuts, I was so relieved when it was over and people started chatting about other things again.

Speaking up about taboo issues is not a bad thing. Silencing people is. .

FFS. No one is "silencing" the OP. She has come on here and invited people to comment on whether or not she is being unreasonable so, somewhat predictably, some people have said they think she is being unreasonable. Disagreeing with someone is not the same as "silencing" them.

I agree with this, you are overthinking it. I personally don’t really enjoy weddings, I find them quite boring aside from seeing the dress and eating the food, but I would go if invited and would join in and celebrate their day.

I totally agree with this.

Life can be a slog sometimes, why not celebrate other people being happy and hopeful every so often? It doesn't cost anything to be pleasant to people that are excited about getting married.

I only know one divorced couple in my social circle, that may of course change but most marriages don't end in divorce. Besides, I just find this a really cynical, pessimistic point of view. Don't bother celebrating marriages....it could end in divorce. Don't bother celebrating birthdays....you haven't done anything special, you've just aged. Don't bother celebrating a new baby being born...... you just had sex 9 months ago.

Being a happy, positive person or being a cynical misery-guts is often a choice. Personally, I choose to be happy.....it makes life much nicer!

@GnomeDePlume hilarious! I think your brain works the same as mine - it is completely logical to reward longevity yet positively nuts at the same time! Have a virtual gift from me💰💰. Get back in five years and I will make it 💰💰💰

Yep I can imagine. But the broader point is that everyone gets swept up in this idea that a wedding is far more important than anything else which will ever happen to you.

The marriage itself may be an unmitigated positive but IMHO it’s very damaging that we overinvest so much in the wedding.

Are you married OP? Did others celebrate with you? Or are you unmarried and feel your stance is the superior one?

A wedding is a celebration of marriage, which is a life event! No, it doesn't always work out, but at the time of the wedding the couple are making a public declaration of their intent to share their lives together.

It might not be something you would choose, but it is a celebration. If you don't wish to share I it, then don't!

YANBU in general, OP, but you come across as a bit bitter somehow.

Marriage I get, but I dislike the indulgence of weddings.

For me weddings are an ego driven, self congratulatory waste of money and energy. The stress and hassle they cause for one day is ridiculous.

Having said that, Mumsnet would be less enjoyable without the hilarious bridezillas and crazy stories of hen do's and bridesmaids.

My partner and I wouldn't get married even if it didn't cost a penny, we are just not interested in being centre of attention in that way.

I guess maybe if I had the experience of weddings and marriage that I read about on MN (bridezillas, offensive wedding guests, absurd OTT weddings, serial cheats, women going ahead marrying men they obviously should have dumped long ago, tons of divorced friends and family members etc etc) then I might agree with the OP

But... irl I don't see any of this at all. I'm 50 and have known about 3 couples who have divorced. Never been to an OTT wedding or seen any evidence of grabby or bridezilla wedding behaviour. I've been genuinely happy for people I know who have got married.

It’s a joyful occasion and chance to meet up with distant relatives. Even if they get divorced further along the line the day is usually fun.

Don’t go to anyone’s wedding if you don’t want to but there’s no need to be so bloody mean spirited and to piss on people’s chips.

if that’s how you feel OP then don’t attend any celebrations or contribute to any collections.

I think it’s a shame that you have such a bad opinion of marriage though. Of all weddings that I can recall attending in my 53 years of life (the first I can remember was when I was about five) 4 have ended in divorce and I can remember 22 I’ve attended and another half dozen I couldn’t attend for various reasons. That’s on top of my parents who were married over 30 years before FM died, both sets of grandparents married for life. My closest friends have all been married over 30 years as have I. In my experience the divorce rate is low.

I enjoy a good wedding! It’s nice to see people happy and hopeful.

Didnt personally feel the need for a big day myself. We got married in a registry office with our Mums as witnesses and 5 ‘guests’. Still going strong 22 years later.

@LadyDanburysCane

except the divorce rate isn’t low - your experience doesn’t change that. Obviously the divorce rate is low for your grandparents time but that’s not the same as today.

This! Such a typical and boring retort that because we are single we must be bitter and jealous and no one wants us. Newsflash: some of us don't want a man around all the time.

@systemerroroccurred

I m so sorry. I hope you managed to make some happy memories in that short time. Love is never wasted

@butterflied

Such a typical and boring retort that because we are single we must be bitter and jealous and no one wants us.

Totally pathetic. It's attitudes like this which lead to so many women making poor choices in their relationships and their lives. Avoidance of being single at any and all cost is a fast road to destroying your life.

I would distinguish between marriage, which is a worthwhile institution when entered into by two equal partners, and ‘weddings’. I’m not going to get started on arranged marriages, or marriages of convenience.

weddings are an event. Some are good, many are a bit of a waste of time to me. They tend to be celebrating the egoism of the bride and groom rather than their entry into probably the most important relationship of two adults ‘lives’.

Its a celebration of joy and hope for the future surely? Life day to day for most of us is routine ,working and so on .A happy occasion between 2 people who love each other and want to commit .Maybe it might not work out who knows? Lots of people have long marriages ,not everyone gets divorced.Its no picnic thats for sure! You sound quite sad TBH