To not want to celebrate people's weddings/marriages

[Waferbiscuit]

There are a number of people in my office getting married and the grumpy old cynic in me is finding it hard to get excited. I'm not sure marriage means much these days, what with the almost 50% divorce rate. Given that it's a commitment that is fairly easy to escape from, what exactly are we celebrating - the hope that it will work out or a legal contract committing them to one another?

In fact I can't help but feel that for many couples marriage is primarily the joining together of two people's assets and/or protecting one another, and in that way perhaps couples need to be more discrete about marriage, a bit like one is when they win the lotto or come into an inheritance.... keep it quiet.

Of course if couples do want to make an emotional commitment to each other, that's between them and seems like something you'd agree to privately.

I'm happy to celebrate major achievements in life that involve a lot of effort, things like someone graduating with a Phd or getting a black belt in karate. But celebrating a commitment that can easily be unravelled or a legal contract that ensures the sharing of assets... well that doesn't seem much to celebrate, does it? AIBU?

I don't get excited about weddings but I'm happy to celebrate other people's happiness with them. Doesn't matter if divorce exists. I can't agree that karate belts are to be celebrated more, people sack off karate too.

Btw being single is the easiest thing on earth, unless you're trying not to be.

Aah OP. You are just raining on their parades.

It's normal and natural to celebrate the big life events.

As for this:

When it’s your family or close friends then I get it but expecting everyone to get genuinely excited at Suzy from accounts’ fourth baby is just too much.

No one expects you to get genuinely excited about Suzy's fourth baby. Putting a fiver in an envelope and your name on a card is a shorthand for saying "good luck Suzy, hope all goes well and that you and the baby are healthy. We're acknowledging that something big is happening to you, and that you won't be around the office for a while, but don't worry we won't forget you. Something lovely is happening to you and we're happy for you."

Wow the responses on here are like from readers of Chat magazine! Weddings are lovely, you are a grump etc yikes.

Many feminists have been critical of marriage as a concept and it's fair and reasonable to suggest if an institution is not upheld in the way it used to that it has less value.

And the divorce rate in the uk is circa 44-45% not 26% as a previous poster commented.

Agree, and hate all the expecting people to travel miles , pay to stay in hotels and subscribe to a present list.
Not to mentioning having to pay to now go on a hen do abroad.
People shouldn't expect people to pay out money to attend a wedding.

It's their special day as long as they are there that's all that matters.

Many feminists have been critical of marriage as a concept and it's fair and reasonable to suggest if an institution is not upheld in the way it used to that it has less value.
Heterosexual marriages or all?

''the sort of person nobody wants'' ouch @JosephineGH but to be blunt, that description fits a lot of married people too!

I go to weddings, when I'm invited. I'm happy for people if they're happy.

But I was just making the point that perhaps it's easier being married in a world built for couples and that being single can be a little more challenging at times. Not for everybody, some single people are fearless and can go everywhere on their own. Others have to work on that bravery and become a stronger person

Have you ever been married, OP?

Oh OP, do fuck off. Many people get married for many reasons - I married my DP because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. He died 6 months later. What have I gained from it? Nowt.

Most colleague type collections and celebrations are a bit odd if you think about it. Especially a leaving do. Weddings are at least about wishing someone you work with well.

"...readers of Chat magazine"?? You're pretty sneery yourself OP about your fellow women who don't happen to have the same pessimistic world view as you.

In our circle of friends - both DP and I - there is only one married couple who have split up. So it's a very low percentage indeed. I'm only in my 40s so there's a while to go yet I suppose, but certainly there's every sign that my married friends take their vows very seriously and seem to be staying the course so far.

You mention marriage and feminism as an explanation for questioning the modern sanctity of marriage. But in saying that marriage isn't being "upheld in the way it used to", you're effectively suggesting that women should remain in unhappy marriages, or marriages where they're being abused. Because that used to be the expectation and what happened, which is why divorce rates were lower. It's not particularly feminist to suggest that if women don't remain in an unhappy marriage then they're "not upholding marriage as an institution"....

I don't like big weddings. When I get married, we'll run away and do it quietly somewhere with just me, DP and the DC. But that's my choice, and my romantic heart loves to see two people declaring their love, no matter how they choose to do it.

You sound extremely jaded. What's the reason?

There are a lot of joyless people on MN atm. And weirdly enough they seem to think this is admirable.

I probably wouldn't admit it in public, but I agree. I know when I got married, it was such an important day to me (although it didn't last...), but when I hear about other people's wedding days, I just don't really care that much.

Not in a nasty way, but it's just like a graduation or something; it's something the majority of people go through, and very important to the people doing it, but not that interesting to everyone else.

And I do feel sorry for people who don't marry as they never get the load of presents that essentially furnishes their house for them!

Sorry if anyone has already covered this, but the much mentioned 50% divorce rate isn't accurate anymore, if it ever was. Its currently 33% in E&W. Seems to be mostly heterosexual couples, allowing same sex marriage perhaps has brought the stat down, which just proves why it should have been allowed in the first place.

I'm older so for my peer group it's mostly 2nd time around and they're just a fabulous party. Rarely in a church (which is the worst bit IMO) or a sit down meal. We just get thoroughly sloshed and dance all night. Great fun.

Having done a few things that took effort noone cares, people it seems are only interested in milestone markers they understand and can get a free drink out of.

Getting a black belt, cycling very far, volunteering those are just for my own sense of achievement- literally noone has been interested or celebrated those.

Things to celebrate that others are remotely interested are already thin enough on the ground without excluding those that prop up the lie that is society.

I looked into the divorce rates thing recently, because from my own experience, amongst all my family and friends, there's no way it's anything like 50%. Turns out, it's not, it's something like 40% of all marriages. And...

University graduates are less likely to divorce.

Those who get married before having a child are less likely to divorce.

Couples who pass their 10 year anniversary are less likely to divorce.

Rates of divorce are going down overall.

OP sounds like the kind of person who wishes there was a completely plain Pot Noodle variety. The flavours are unnecessary, superfluous, but real cooking is a waste of her very valuable time. She has lectures to give to people she corners in lifts, net curtains to twitch, and drying paint to supervise, after all.

You sound very negative about life OP. You need to do something about that. Perhaps See a therapist. Might do you the world of good.

It's actually only a third of marriages end in divorce OP (and hasn't changed much in the last 40 years) So that's two thirds of the marriages you see will stay together for life.

I get where the OP is coming from. I’ve been married for 25 years and I didn’t see the point of it then and I still don’t. We only did it for a bit of peace and quiet as we had two children and were fed up with the constant asking of when we were going to do it. My parents organised everything. I wasn’t remotely interested. Tried on a wedding dress,said “yeah that will do”. I’m not the romantic type at all (obviously),all that crap gives me the “icks”. We’re still together but we don’t acknowledge the date of our wedding as it meant nothing. If I had my time again I would never get married. When I see people getting married now I just think WHY?!