To not want to celebrate people's weddings/marriages

[Waferbiscuit]

There are a number of people in my office getting married and the grumpy old cynic in me is finding it hard to get excited. I'm not sure marriage means much these days, what with the almost 50% divorce rate. Given that it's a commitment that is fairly easy to escape from, what exactly are we celebrating - the hope that it will work out or a legal contract committing them to one another?

In fact I can't help but feel that for many couples marriage is primarily the joining together of two people's assets and/or protecting one another, and in that way perhaps couples need to be more discrete about marriage, a bit like one is when they win the lotto or come into an inheritance.... keep it quiet.

Of course if couples do want to make an emotional commitment to each other, that's between them and seems like something you'd agree to privately.

I'm happy to celebrate major achievements in life that involve a lot of effort, things like someone graduating with a Phd or getting a black belt in karate. But celebrating a commitment that can easily be unravelled or a legal contract that ensures the sharing of assets... well that doesn't seem much to celebrate, does it? AIBU?

Very glad to see JosephineGH's ridiculous post has been removed. Even gladder to see it's now being discussed on gransnet.

Where do you store the joy you’ve sucked out of things?

I'm with you OP - can't stand weddings. Many people who get married don't get what sort of commitment it is, and it's certainly not a 'once in a lifetime' experience for many. The amount of over-the-top spending, expectations and involvement that goes with it is too much. I tend to politely decline wedding invitations - having young kids is a good excuse.

To be honest, I think divorce parties should be a thing - divorces can be liberating in the end. After all the trauma that goes with it, the divorcee could really do with some friendly pats on the back, hugs and an excuse to unwind.

You’re being a grump because you’re jealous. I understood the 50% divorce rate has been somewhat debunked. Just been nice, it’s how humans work.

Relationships and marriages do require a lot of work and effort, though. From both sides. Not sure who told you otherwise. Why do you think so many of them fail?

Discreet

Jesus wept. How utterly joyless can one person actually be?

All we have is now.

If you are in a now where two nice people who want to be nice to each other love each other enough to want to make a commitment (and it is a commitment even if it can be dissolved) and are happy, celebrate it. Maybe it won't work out for the rest of their lives; none of us has a crystal ball. But this is the now, and it's all we've got.

It shouldn't feel like hard work though. I have been married for over 40 years, and I can honestly say that it never felt like work at all.

^
This with bells on

We are getting married next year. In my parents garden, cheap as chips on a budget. 25 people max. I'm more excited about the honeymoon 😂
For us it is a natural progression of our relationship and yes partly for legal protection as we have assets. We aren't going over the top and quite alot of people don't actually know, all they know is we are engaged.

Yeah I agree with this. If a relationship started feeling like hard work (beyond minor disagreements which crop up and can be easily resolved) I’d just leave? Hard work is not something I want from a relationship.

If everyone felt this way, couples counsellors would be out of work! Lawyers would have a field day though 🤣

This response highlights your disdain for people in general. Why post on MN if you think so little of people who will reply.
I have just finished my BA and start my MA in Sept. I have already been invited to do a PHD. But if I go round the office blowing my own trumpet people will think I'm pretentious. It is a very private achievement for me and only those close to me know.
Getting married is a public affair as banns have to be published and there has to be witnesses. I get it can be boring to hear the bride gush about dresses and plans for months on end, but this doesn't mean you are entitled to dictate how others choose to celebrate. If you don't like it just ignore it.
Being rude to people who respond to your post doesn't give a better impression of you as an empathic person tbh.

Yessss omg

I would love to see the stats for cohabiting partners who split up compared with divorce rates.
Some people have no choice but to marry for religious reasons or because of the country/culture they live in. A friend of mine lived with her partner for over 20 years had kids, house etc but had to get married when she went to work in Dubai otherwise her partner could not come and stay with her.
Some married couples do not have joint finances, never buy a house or have joint debt. We also now have the civil agreements and contracts for people who don't want to get married but need the security for their children/future. There are plenty of marriages of convenience for immigration status etc, so this has to be factored into divorce stats, not just marriage breakdown.
Society has changed but I hate the way people use feminism as an excuse for rejecting any traditional institution.

It depends on what is going on. My DH had depression a few years ago due to work issues and his DM's death. It was incredibly hard work for me carrying him, the children and work etc. I wanted to walk away but I made a promise for better or worse. He has also wanted to walk away at times as it has been hard to come together and compromise. But people can work through things and be strong whether married or not.

I do think there’s a different between work and hard work, particularly when talking about a relationship. I do think it takes work to have a happy relationship - it takes some compromise, empathy, adapting to external circs (as a PP said - bereavement, ill health, financial strain). I don’t think throwing in the towel the first time the going gets tough is how most people have a successful, long marriage. If life with them consistently feels like a grind, that’s different. But life in general takes some work to keep yourself happy!

If this were true it would be time to rethink the relationship.

OP, you'll like this - there are still some sensible people around www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2022/aug/03/we-called-the-mums-about-an-hour-after-the-ceremony-the-rise-of-secret-weddings

This is nothing new and there's no evidence that there's a "rise".

We invited our parents and siblings to lunch on the day of our weding , and only told them we were also getting married when they go there. That was 30 years ago.

Yes, you are being miserable for the sake of it. Can you not just say congratulations and leave it at that? Surely that's easy enough 🤷

It's actually not that easy to divorce. If one party refuses to accept blame it can drag on for years, and you need a lengthy separation period.

People tend to only find this out when they actually do it.

I'm with you, OP. I understand entirely what you mean. I used to work in a big open office and lived through dozens of engagements and weddings, being expected to be interested in everything the brides were interested in. They'd bring in wedding favours for us to choose from, we'd hear all about their diets and hair and we'd be asked to vote on the bridesmaid's dresses, the colour of shoes and flowers... These were colleagues, not friends. It was interesting that the men who got married just went off and got married without all the hoop-la involved for women.

It's capitalism and consumerism. It's about an industry that keeps coming up with more, bigger, more elaborate ways for women, mainly, to fixate about and spend money on. I'm married (23 years in November) and we had the loveliest wedding day. Two of us, two friends, a register office and a no-expense-spared lunch afterwards. It was about us, just the two of us, doing something that felt very significant and intimate — not putting on a show.