I'm probably wrong but so angry

[Outoforder2]

So my DS has moved back home, he is so lazy! He's 28, his flat with mates came to the end of his tenancy.

I made it clear when he moved back he had to abide by the rules, clear up etc. it's not happening.

As an example DH and I normally cook Sunday lunch together, we did last week. It's hot and we were having trouble with flies, DSi is dreadful for leaving stuff out, not cleaning the worktops so it attracts them more.

We cleared up after Sunday lunch, said to DS, make sure if you cook anything extra you clear up etc.

Came down Monday to the plate the leftover Ed meat was on, left so I hat attracts flies, he'd made a shake thing, machine, dirty cup, dirty machine all left out.

He was at work monday and I was out in the evening. Told DH, he just shrugs.

Tuesday evening, I said to DS, look we agreed don't leave stuff out etc. as always he's aggressive and defensive, ended in the usual row. So I said to DH, you could've backed me (he never ever does), he just barks at me, you're just trying to cause a row.

So he's not spoken to me all week, he's being super nice to DS and I'm the outsider. I was out all day today as I had a dog training thing. DH has made dinner. I've eaten mine alone in the garden asI'm not sitting at home he table with them so nice to each other and excusing me.

DS has eaten his dinner, put his plate in the dishwasher and left the room. It's full of clearing up, which I would normally do, but I'm thinking well if you act like a selfish sod in this house you get treated better. So I just want to leave it.

I'm probably wrong, but the "you alright mate" from DH to DS, in an overly loud nice tone for me to hear is really pushing my buttons.

What the fuck do I do?

She’s certainly more loyal and mutually reciprocal around your needs for comfort and care than your “D”H.

He didn’t want to go for a coffee because he is avoiding your wrath and pain. Tosser.

Agree. There'll be no lessons learnt, they don't care enough.

You’re 100% in the right. Maybe a sit down with DS ans DH and tell them exactly how you feel and, more importantly, what you expect. I would in advance prep DH so he’s fully on your side during the discussion. I would make it clear if he can’t meet your expectations you will give him a short set notice period for him to find his own place especially as he is 28 years old. A friend of a friend has this once and DS wouldn’t change nor find his own place so they changed the locks 🤣🤣🤣. I’m sure it won’t come to that! Be strong and don’t take any sh*t is the key with children.

I wouldn't be doing anything for either of them, and I'd be telling ds his times up and to find elsewhere to live pronto.

Oh dear OP. Take tonight to regroup and 1st August (tomorrow) take the bull by the horns. Status quo can't continue and doing nothing will prolong the agony.

Chuck them both out!

They are bullying you. This is so horrible, OP. Honestly, if I were in your situation, I'd be telling DS to fuck off and 'D'H that I want a divorce. He is cruel and contemptuous - very hard to come back from that.

Might add, she said she wouldn't bother replacing the lost forks and spoons and bought her own private spoon and fork just for her.... Her partner hasn't bothered buying anymore, he is still using a fucking spoon for everything....

Hide the spoon . . .

I couldn't agree more! Fuck being calm and waiting until your awful husband decides to finally make time for a chat. Why shouldn't they see how upsetting their behaviour is? You're just continuing to minimise any discomfort for your husband and son at the moment.

I agree with what others have said and especially how @DFOD has summed it up.

I don't see how your DH can possibly respect or care for you to treat you like this.

No additional advice to add, I agree with others and hope you decide you'll be happier without your DH and find a lovely little, lazy arse free, place to live.

My first post probably won’t work as didn’t realise how bad DH is. I completely agree with @DFOD . This is a terrible situation to be in and I really feel for you. If DH won’t take your side and parent his DS properly then wtf is a marriage for? DH is so weak and pathetic as a parent. The biggest positive in this awful situation is that YOU are strong and applying the correct parenting techniques. Like I said I concur with @DFOD and would follow his/her advice and well done for being the strong one and trying to parent properly despite everyone around you working against you. Good luck!!!

What about an air b&b that accepts dogs......

Seems like your husband is conflict avoidant with your son which has allowed an unhealthy dynamic to evolve where your son can count on his dad backing up his behaviour. There are no consequences for your son reneging on his agreement to step up in your home, which was probably said to ensure you allowed him to come home. There are also no consequences for your husband throwing you under the bus.

Your options are to allow this to continue at the expense of your stress and frustration levels. Could you mitigate it by letting your husband pick up after your son and set him a deadline to move out? Once he's gone, under no circumstances allow him back home because he can't be trusted with his promises.

Decide on some consequences for the situation ie give your son a deadline to move out and prepare an ultimatum if your husband kicks off or doesn't back you up. Would you consider a separation to enforce your point?

Ask for some family therapy to get a third party to help you resolve this. Get some relationship counselling as parent/child vs other parent is not healthy at all. Your son has got in between your couple relationship.

It doesn't seem as if your husband and son are listening to you or taking you seriously and I suspect this dynamic has been going on for some time. Your level of anger and upset is an indication of a deep rooted disconnect going on.

Beautiful dog by the way!

Honestly I’d kick them both out. Your DH is a dick and unfortunately you have both raised a pretty horrible son. Pack them some stuff and change the locks. Or, go find your own place and when you are ready start proceedings for separation and divorce.

Each time he leaves out food or dirty dishes put them in his bed upside down. He will soon get the idea.

Agree

get a cleaner and tell them they are paying , unless they both help out , not just dh.

Is DH scared of DS for some reason?
DS is 28, not 8 Give him a month's notice to leave. If DH doesn't like it then he can go with him.
Alternatively evict DH from your bedroom to sleep on the sofa and make it your space. Get your own dishes etc and wash only those. Don't do anything for them at all. I'd put a lock on the door then let them wallow in their own mess until DH backs you and DS leaves.

I would talk to your DH when DS isn't around. Say how you are feeling alienated in your own home. How you both need to come to an agreement on expectations from DS. Marriage needs to be the first priority followed by our children or it doesn't work. Ask him if he would like to improve this situation and get back to being a team. Try to be non confrontational and blaming. You have every right to blame but it won't get a good response. It's all well saying leave the stuff, book into an air B&B but this won't solve any problems only exasperate them. There needs to be communication over how you are feeling. I hope your DH sees where he has gone wrong and makes changes.

Do you have a spare room you can move into? Literally just say nothing and take yourself and your gorgeous dog off to bed in the spare room! I’m guessing it wouldn’t be long before he come and asks “what’s wrong” and if he doesn’t, then you start asking when THEY’RE moving out so you can have your bedroom back!
I feel for you and really hope you get some sleep - they’re BOTH treating you terribly and showering a complete lack of respect to you and it’s really not on!

He should pay a third of his salary towards your roof over his head. You can spend it on yourself or save it secretly to pay towards his down payment for a flat. He should also pay a third of the utility bills. Then he if doesn’t wish to clean up, he should pay for a cleaner.

I would down tools

Where's the logic in expecting him to pay a 3rd of his salary?

A third of the bills, yes, but his salary doesn't proportionately affect the cost of running OP's house.

I have tried this before, I asked yesterday that we went out for coffee, but he was "too tired".

I'm full of anger today, how dare they treat me like this.

To be honest, I really don't want to talk now. I've done it all before and it's never worked.

I just want to retreat and detach from them.

I don't think he's scared but doesn't like confrontation and it's easier to piss me off than DS I suppose?